[frustrated? That] I Can't Seem To Encounter Comments/attitudes That Feel Weirdbad* To Me Without Feeling
[frustrated? that] i can't seem to encounter comments/attitudes that feel weirdbad* to me without feeling a need to seek reassurance that i'm being reasonable in finding them weirdbad
like yet again this is presumably a leftover artifact of the incessant messaging i got growing up that none of my re/actions were ever reasonable
but it's like. well. (a) it feels like weakness of character to me. like. why can't i just have the courage of my own convictions without needing someone else to reinforce them. (see previous para.) (b) even if we accept that this is an understandable ['if undesirable,' i immediately mentally add, but. table that question for now ig.] urge in the abstract, in practice it's like. well. my social situation lately is such that the various people towards whom i tend to direct bids of this kind will reject them at least half the time. so whether or not it's understandable: it's not viable
plus then of course it also feels like. why do i have to be SO quick to shrug off whatever the weirdbad opinion is, instead of just. sitting calmly with it for a little while. experiencing it. practicing some calm curiosity instead of agitated rejection, like that one post suggested.
unfortunately i think a lot of this stuff is like. well it's about how unsafe and insecure i feel all the time. like it's a bit idiotic to be sitting here going 'huh why am i acting so anxious when. my most crucial social bonds are as attenuated as they are and my current situation doesn't remotely lend itself to forming more.' like. obvious answer is obvious and also quite frankly i'm correct to be anxious about that!! if i were more securely socially enmeshed i could probably Practice Chillness better because these interactions would take up only the tiny fraction of my mental social map they ought to be taking up, instead of looming enormously large in a barren landscape and becoming disproportionately high-stakes as a result!
so like. diagnosing myself with shit life syndrome ig, lol
āø» * using this as a very broad catchall term for a range of things that spans, like, 'actual bigotry' on the one end and 'someone being imo-too-flippant abt something in a way that makes me wonder if they realize i'm personally impacted by it' on the other end
More Posts from 7fff00 and Others
this is from january but i felt like it should probably be on this blog somewhere?? baby's first knitting project, will probably end up frogging and redoing it at some point bc really i like a tighter cowl, but it's extremely Color and extremely cozy and i made it myself :)
baby's first attempt at mending sox any other way than by needle feltingĀ¹! as with all my very amateur attempts at mending we'll see how they hold up going forward,Ā² but i had fun experimenting and so far they seem comfy?
āø» Ā¹ an approach which ime works pretty okay on thick hiking sox, ftr, but which didn't seem likely to be well-suited to thinner ones like these :) Ā² i imagine that if i'd, say, used one long strand boustrophedon-style, that probably would have had a little more structural integrity than this more piecemeal approach. next time maybe!
little pig made of glass and his brother, little pig made of glass made of paint
New Project time :)
Cutieā¦ patootie... agouti? You might know the capybara, but what about its distant cousin the red-rumped agouti (Dasyprocta leporina)? This wide-ranging mammal can be found in forests throughout northern South America including Colombia, Brazil, and Venezuela. Though smaller than its more famous relative, this hefty rodent can weigh up to 13 lbs (5.9 kg). It dines on a diet of fruit, nuts, and seeds. Like a squirrel, the agouti will bury surplus food to save for a later date. But sometimes this critter forgets to come back for its stash, spreading seeds throughout its habitat as a result.Ā
Photo: Robin Gwen Agarwal, CC BY-NC 4.0, iNaturalistĀ
made it to the transfer station before it closed (task i have been failing at for a week) AND nothing leaked in the car on the way over (despite decomposition of compostables very definitely having commenced) AND there was a hot butch there (presumably my reward from a sometimes-benevolent universe) š
one of those 'extremely grateful for jarred indian sauces you can stick a protein and some veg into and eat over rice' sort of nights
art by tracy walker; preorder here :)
get ready to see these guys on every envelope i ever mail until i die
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