Andyrg099 - And Words Are Futile Devices

Dame la certeza e iré a donde tú vayas

No me digas mil veces que me amas, házmelo sentir

Dime quién eres, qué quieres, muéstrate ante mí

Dame un pedazo de tu alma, la coseré a la mía

Déjame ser tu espejo, desnuda ante ti

Por siempre unidos, que me consuma esta chispa

I don’t think I’ve heard anyone talk about it before, but I really love Nora’s writing style in how unique it is about revealing and describing things. We didn’t know neil’s natural hair and eye color until the end of the Raven king. Before that, it would mention him checking his roots all the time as he made sure none of it showed, but we were never told what color it actually was until it became a permanent part of his appearance. We didn’t know his height until the king’s men when compared to an opposing backliner. I know it’s easy to forget, but we didn’t actually know that his father was named Nathan, or that Lola was a person that existed (+ everyone else in Nathan’s inner circle, or that he even had an inner circle) , until their first scenes where they’re present. There are a lot more instances where this happens in the series, and I haven’t actually encountered another book that’s done this before and it’s really interesting.

I am once again thinking about how in The Naked Time, Spock has an emotional breakdown after contracting the virus and cries about the regret he feels for not loving his human mother vs his shame he feels for his ongoing friendship with Kirk, but before he contracts the virus, Spock finds LOVE MANKIND written on the wall. And it's been written and discussed to death about what it means, I know this, but it's telling that Spock not only loves in spite of his Vulcan upbringing and continued adherence to their customs but that he holds regret and shame deep down inside because the love is still there, regardless.

Whereas Kirk likewise has his virus-induced breakdown over the opposite: his self-inflicted pressure to not love an individual, either due to fear of distraction from duty, losing his position as captain due to the ethical conundrum of "How can a captain date one of their crew?" (no, I do not know the details of how Starfleet manages crew relationships, but I'm assuming rank is an issue, especially where captains are concerned), or even the unspoken taboo of the show's production era, his sexual orientation, hence his focusing on the ship as the only safe and constant outlet for his love. But after this, Kirk finds SINNER REPENT written on the wall, as if to say his altruism isn't the full truth, as if what he desires is what he denies even with the virus lowering his inhibitions.

And like my god. What foils to each other! How damned telling the literal writing on the wall is for them! I am going to eat my fucking sweater!

Balance of Terror is probably, up to that point, Kirk in his most perilous situation. It is full battle mode where if he makes so much as one wrong move, he risks death. Not too mention potential war against an enemy that he knows little to nothing about. Thus, for the vast majority of the episode, we have Kirk in Full On Captain Mode... except for one scene.

It's been hours now since the battle against the Romulans has started. At this moment, the Enterprise is a sitting duck and all that they can do is wait. Which gives Kirk plenty of time with his thoughts and in turn, his doubts. Doubts that he cannot let anyone see under any circumstances. Even when Rand, his personal Yeoman who has seen him at his best and worst, comes to see if he needs anything, the mask stays put. There's no point in bombarding her with what he's feeling internally and freak her out. That's not a luxury that he's allowed.

Well... save for one person.

As soon as McCoy walks in and Rand leaves? Kirk is noticeably more at ease. You can even see Rand realize it and leave, allowing McCoy to help the Captain when she clearly isn't going to get anywhere.

It's only then that Kirk feels comfortable talking and letting his doubts be visible. It's the one vulnerable moment that he lets show in the episode, feeling the pressure as his men to look at him and the fear of what happens if he's wrong. If you think back to The Corbomite Manuver we had a similar moment where McCoy tried to talk to Kirk, but while Kirk was at more ease, he didn't want to hear it nor did he let himself really open up. He doesn't even use Bones then, which sure it's probably because they hadn't thought of the nickname yet, but in-show you can interpret it as Kirk remaining in professional mode even to the guy who has it in his job description to see to his mental health.

Not that McCoy is there just because it's his job, of course.

From what we can tell, McCoy went to Kirk on his own volition. He wasn't called or anything, he went to go make sure that Kirk was doing okay. He's been in Sickbay for the majority of the episode and hasn't exactly been able to make time to go check on the Bridge Crew, especially not Jim. Now that he can, he's just there to let Kirk air out whatever he's been bubbling in for so many hours , as he always does.

But Kirk doesn't need McCoy, his Chief Medical Officer and essentially therapist, right now. And he clearly needs more than a soundboard to vent his feelings to. What Jim needs is Bones, his best friend and confidant. You even have McCoy, once Kirk's done talking, start to go 'Captain I-" before he's cut off, still somewhat in that professional mode (maybe even remembering the last time he spoke out of line in a tense situation ala The Corbomite Manuever). That's not what's needed. Kirk didn't expect an answer, but McCoy stops him. He outright says that he normally doesn't talk to 'a customer' like he is now, which goes to show how much he views Jim as far more than a patient or as the captain of the ship. Kirk is, first and foremost, his friend, and he needs some kind of reassurance right then and there.

And that's exactly what he gives.

MCCOY: But I've got one. Something I seldom say to a customer, Jim. In this galaxy, there's a mathematical probability of three million Earth-type planets. And in all of the universe, three million million galaxies like this. And in all of that, and perhaps more, only one of each of us. Don't destroy the one named Kirk.

Just that bit of assurance and Kirk is good to go. And I think he needed it from Bones specifically. Bones, the one person that Kirk can really be himself around. The one person who he's allowed to be vulnerable around. The one person who has always been there to ease him and help him process his feelings, as we've seen already in episodes like The Enemy Within. And even with McCoy worried himself, even having voiced concern about the gamble that Jim is taking earlier in the episode, he still trusts him and has faith in him. And unlike The Corobomite Manuever where he provoked an argument and had his priorities skewed, McCoy knows what Kirk does and doesn't need right now, and he delivers.

IDK, I just love these two so much and I need to voice it for the world cause dang it, someone has to!

hey hold on a sec. we talk about what baltimore was like for kevin, neil, andrew, but can we talk about wymack for a second. Can we just.

the year before the twins and nicky signed at psu, two of wymack's foxes, ian and kirk, died in a car crash.

the next year, kevin day broke his hand and went to wymack, the only person he thought would keep him safe.

the year after that, seth gordon, the only surving member of wymack's original lineup, overdosed after he was so nearly clean, and it almost destroyed allison.

months later, andrew was attacked in columbia and committed to easthaven. aaron killed someone. andrew was gone and the others came back shattered.

then neil claims to go home for the holidays, they don't hear from him all of christmas break, and on new years, neil calls him and asks wymack to pick him up from the airport. he's there instantly and god, he looks half-dead. neil sees the 4 tattoo and tries to cut it off his face. all he can say is that he didn't sign to the ravens.

then there's the blood in the locker room. wymack can't push away the feeling that something's getting closer, something is coming to hurt his foxes and there's nothing he can do to stop it.

then. the game at binghamton. neil looks on edge but wymack doesn't ask what's wrong. neil and andrew are above his paygrade. then the riot. he can't see any of his kids in the crush. he finally pulls them all out, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight–

neil's gone. neil's gone and they can't find him. andrew can't find him. neil got taken by someone. what was that like for david wymack? did it feel too familiar? did he look at his kids and think not again, i didn't lose another one again. does it ever scare him. does it terrify him. when aaron came back from the police station in columbia, twenty four hours in holding and he couldn't look wymack in the eye, did he think what if i can't save these kids? when andrew was lying in a hospital bed, too drugged to react, did he think what if i can't give them their second chance? when neil grabbed that knife, when he fell to pieces on wymack's kitchen floor, when he came back to them in baltimore, bloody and broken, did wymack think why am i always too late?

Rewatched the Naked Time for Spock in that inner black t-shirt looking hot as fuck Sulu going absolute bonkers fencing and looking pretty Riley being an Irish comedian & performer Spock getting frustrated and angry and raising his voice and continuing being hot LOVE MANKIND Uhura's "Sorry, neither" to Sulu's "I'll protect you fair maiden" Chapel's beautiful bittersweet confession to Spock Spock finally releasing his repressed gay emo self and crying prettily Kirk slapping Spock to get him out of it yet him basically confessing to Kirk and Kirk's whole sad as fuck and iconic monologue and Shatner's funny and amazing acting "loVE" Spock in fact getting out of it thanks to Kirk's slaps and maybe also heartbreak and them successfuly fucking around and finding out going back in time. Absolutely amazing tos experience

Yes, yes, the "i forgive you," the "no nightingales," and the "nothing lasts forever" are all great lines. But to me, the most heartbreaking was this one

And not enough people are talking about it.

This is the moment where Aziraphale breaks. This is the moment he realises the severity of their conversation. The horrible consequences that could follow.

This is the moment where Aziraphale, for the first time in probably all 2 seasons, spoke from his feelings instead of his logic.

Accompanied by Michael's breathtaking acting, where in just 2 seconds, he managed to convey all the excruciating and tragic feelings that Aziraphale has been going through all this time. His eyes, relaying the utter pain Aziraphale is, and has been, feeling for a long time, that he's finally unable to control anymore.

This is the moment where we and Crowley understand that Aziraphale has been lying this whole time.

"He's not my friend. We've never met before we dont know each other." Yes, he is. Yes, we have. Yes, we do.

"Were not friends." Yes, we are.

"We have nothing whatsoever in common, I don't even like you." Yes, we do. Yes, I do.

This is the moment he admits that every time he's called Crowley a fiend, an enemy, evil, not his friend, he has been lying through and through in an attempt to hide what he really feels, what he really thinks, should by chance Heaven or Hell get a word of it. He has been lying every single time.

This is the moment where he lets his true feelings out. Prompted by sheer desperation and panic, he finally said what he's been denying for millennia.

"I need you"

In “The Naked Time”, while Spock becomes overwhelmed by his emotions and love to the point of even questioning why he ever lived by Vulcan values, Jim on the other hand goes almost insane over his rejection of love and intense loneliness. This is the most apparent moment in the franchise where we see that to their core, Spock and Jim are narrative foils: no matter how deeply someone looks into their characters, one will always be surrounded by debilitating isolation for the sake of self dependence while the other is so compassionate it borders on self destruction.

However, with the resolution of the episode we see that such traits will always make both Spock and Jim a strong dynamic, as they are paralyzed apart but perfectly balanced together, showing the unity of some of the most well-intended yet corruptible traits of the human condition. In this essay—

I dreamed my mother killed me.

She had gotten angry because of something related with my friends, the fight grew and grew until she started screaming and throwing things, i was afraid, of course, but suddenly i started to laugh, because everything was dumb and i was tired and just wanted to sleep, that made my mom even more angry, thinking back at it, i guess this wouldn't really happen, because the cruel side would eventually come out and throwing things isn't the only thing she can do.

I dreamed it was time to go to bed and i was just miserable, but i hadn't cried, just like she would've wanted. After a comment cruel enough, a scream loud enough, a thing throwned strong enough, i lost my sanity, i guess.

I went inside the kitchen and grabbed a knife, i walked up to her and saw confusion in her eyes, with a bit of defiance, maybe; but the knife wasn't for her, i shoved it into her hands and pointed it to my wrist, i said: "You made me, you have the right to destroy me, ¿aren't you tired? Everything can be alright if you move, just a little", and she did, scarlet cascades started falling out of my wrist; seeing this she got alarmed, too late, i just told her: "If you already killed me then let me die in peace, i deserve at least that".

As i was climbing up the stairs, i woke up from my dream, my throat ached but i didn't cry, i just wished that is hadn't been a dream, so a wouldn't have to worry about everything i do, because one misstep and her laugh becomes sharp as a knife, ready to draw blood.

Wouldn't it be a perfect solution? Wouldn't she finally calm down if she threw the punch, if the drew blood? I don't know, i'm tired.

What if I was all wrong about the "SINNER REPENT" wall writing. What if it isn't a manifestation of the social attitudes of the 1960s (compulsory heterosexuality, gender binary, etc.). What if, like Spock's message of "LOVE MANKIND," Jim's message also speaks to a hidden fear? A fear that is not the breaking of a social taboo (be it a captain's duty and Starfleet regulations, an affair, non-heterosexual love, etc.), but a haunting thought from Jim's past: that he should not be alive, that his continued existence breaks the order of life itself by cheating a certain death. Hence, the use of the words "SINNER REPENT," a phrase that matches how Kodos moralized basic survival needs to justify his eugenics and massacre on Tarsus IV.