No Longer Masking Near As Hard, They Managed To Get It Out Of Me That I Wasn’t The Host. Still Pretending

Being an ADHD author is so counterproductive sometimes. You scroll back twenty chapters to make sure you’re consistent with details and suddenly it’s been two hours, it’s time to go to sleep, and you’ve only written two hundred words because you went back to checked a detail and never stopped reading.

This was a reply on a response to an ask. In the post I mentioned why I don’t want endogenic systems on my page. I’ve said it a few times but here’s it again for those who missed it or were asleep in the back of the classroom.

My experience with the Endo community hasn’t been totally terrible, but I have seen their bad side. A lot of other traumagenic systems have been targeted by the endo community because of their difference in opinions. This can come in many forms including attacking trauma only discord servers, targeting those with opposing view points, cyber bullying, and spreading hate and discourse.

People tend to feel attacked when their viewpoint is challenged, whether they’re being attacked or not. And people who are insecure in their identity or view point (as I believe many endos are) tend to lash out when they feel that way. I don’t want to say anyone is a bad person, I’m just pointing out patterns I have seen and heard of over and over. A lot of endos have resorted to hate and cyber bullying when they find those who don’t believe them.

Now this isn’t to say that the traumagenic community hasn’t also been hurtful. I’ve seen plenty of people attacking every endo or supporter they see based on their past experiences with a different endo or supporter.

Now here comes the really messy part. Even if endos aren’t purposely hurting those who aren’t in their community, they are actively spreading misinformation that can seriously damage the public view of systems. By making claims like “you can choose to be like this” or that it’s all fun and games warps the reality of the pain and trauma that is associated with dissociative disorders. And by spreading a false narrative it makes it harder for those struggling to be taken seriously.

Just to be clear I do not condone any kind of attacks or targeting of endos or their community. I am perfectly happy to coexist as long as they stay in their own lane.

Have a good day -Apollo/Elizabeth

That system feeling when,

“We don’t actually have a lot of physical trauma so-“

Huge flashback and muscle spasm because of it.

“Never mind.”

Tw: syscourse

I’m going to be totally honest, I don’t have a problem with endos as long as they stay in their own lane. They don’t belong in DID/OSDD spaces, but I refuse to hate someone for their beliefs. If they believe they are a system, cool, let them do their thing. I personally believe that you form a system as a coping mechanism to repetitive inescapable trauma. But if you believe something different and you aren’t hating on me for what I believe, totally cool, agree to disagree.

That being said, I will not support people who hate on traumagenic for any reason. I always tag my posts with #endos dni because so many people have been attacked by them for being traumagenic with their own ideas.

I’m not saying if you identify as endogenic you’re a bad person and you’re hateful. I just don’t want to invite endos into a place for traumagenic systems. The same way that cishets and straights aren’t always allowed in LGTBQ spaces, there are spaces just for traumagenic systems. And I want this to be one of them because I believe that trauma is the only way to truly be a system.

If you believe something different, that’s cool, I just ask that you don’t interact. I can’t stop you, all I can do is warn you that if you choose to interact anyway you are representing your community as one that does not listen to boundaries.

These are my own beliefs, please do not hate on others (including other alters in my system as they have their own beliefs) due to these beliefs. If you really want to hate on someone hate on me, just know again that you are instilling an image of a hateful community that does not believe that others are entitled to their opinion. Which everyone is.

Okay that’s it, rant over, have a good day whoever you are and however you identify. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

-whoever the heck is fronting

I’ve tried journaling and we collectively suck at it, but the pictures definitely might help if we can figure out how to do it consistently. Thank you so much for the suggestion/gen /pos

-Apollo

Okay but can we talk about how much amnesia sucks? As a system we don’t have a lot of in the moment Black outs. We have some grey outs and a lot of emotional amnesia, but we don’t fade in and out of consciousness. At least not that we remember.

What we do struggle with is remembering past events. Even as far back as a week or two ago we have black spots that we can’t even remember that we don’t remember. Friends will tell me something happened and I just have to go with it even though I have absolutely no clue what their talking about.

I apparently beat my bf at a board game a few weeks ago and he brought it out again for us to play. I didn’t recognize it all. My first reaction was:

“Oh that looks like a fun game,”

Because I had zero recollection of ever playing it or even seeing it. My bf looked me dead in the face and asked if I was serious because it had only been a few weeks since I destroyed him at it.

There are so many good memories that I’m missing because of my disorder. So many moments that are lost to me and without me even realizing that they aren’t there.

This is one of the darker parts of the disorder that I don’t see talked about a lot. Missing time with loved ones so you don’t remember the trauma.

There are good things that have come from my system and headmates. But let’s not invalidate the pain that comes from not remembering your past.

Touches you with my traumagenic median fingers

I’m gonna be honest I have no idea when this showed up in my asks I continually forget to check that thing.

Anyways

Boops you back

As previously stated, I have no quarrels with those who believe something different than me as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. A lot of the endogenic community is great at hurting people so as a default I ask them to steer clear of my page to keep my followers feeling safe. But if you can chill, believe whatever the hell you want. That has nothing to do with me.

We really need to choose comfort shows that are actually, you know… comforting.

Just started rewatching one of our favorite shows and I honestly don’t remember it being so heart wrenching wrenching.

Anyways. *wipes tears and starts new episode* Back to it.

-Apollo? Maybe??

This, but for every mental illness. Self diagnosing can be really helpful and when backed with proper research I have very little problem with it. If you feel that ceritain terms help you understand something, go for it, those terms aren’t only there for people who are in a position where they can get a diagnosis. They are also there for those questioning and trying to understand who they are.

I personally start to have a problem when people use terms incorrectly and spread misinformation using them (shout out to the majority of the endo community)

It’s like someone with a hoarding disorder telling people it’s because they’re autistic. Both of these things can be issues separately and should both have support, but they are two entirely different things. Claiming you are one thing without doing the proper research can very easily spread discourse and misinformation.

Spreading misinformation can be detrimental to someone trying to understand themselves or anyone trying to understand someone in the community.

And spreading discourse is a great way to further divide a community like this one that is already rocky.

I’m fine with people self diagnosing in certain situations with proper research. Getting an actual diagnosis just isn’t possible for a lot of people and it can be really difficult to live your life not fully accepting that something is happening, or not being able to explain your symptoms properly because you don’t feel those terms are for you.

-stay safe and well, Apollo

In my autism evaluation today, my evaluator said "whether or not we can give you an on-the-books diagnosis, you do have autistic traits. I would never want to take away language that has helped you find a supportive community or skills and tools that help you navigate the world. Don't use the diagnosis as the be-all end-all measure of your validity."

There’s nothing quite like watching your source and being traumatized by what your future would have held.

-Izuku

Well apparently they aren’t primary care like it said on their website. Apparently they’re just like a virtual urgent care and can’t write me a referral for a tilt table test. This is so frustrating. I’m literally in tears.

Ha ha, doctor’s appointment in the morning to see if I have a chronic disease. Let’s see how this goes.

-Apollo