Hey, Apollo Here Going Through Some Host Denial, As Usual. Does Anyone Else Have Symptoms That Present

This is the point we’re constantly trying to get across.

-Apollo

I do not care what alignment you have with syscourse right now.

Harassment isn’t something that should be encouraged. If someone does not align with your views, block them and move on. If they’re harassing people, no matter what alignment you have, keep other people safe.

Don’t go spilling trauma to people either, it can trigger people.

Just block and move on. It does better for everyone.

We are anti-endo, but if someone comments that there is a blog that is harassing people even if they’re also anti-endo, I’m not for it. I’ll tell everyone no matter what. They’re harassing people, they don’t need to interact with anyone if they’re doing that.

Please stay safe.

Had our first therapy session this morning with an actual trauma informed therapist/physiatrist. And she made a few very good points.

The main one being, it doesn’t matter what label your symptoms fall under. While yes getting a diagnosis can be very beneficial in helping you understand what steps can be taken, it is not required in order for you to be valid. If you are not CONSCIOUSLY putting on a show of having a disorder for attention then these symptoms are real to you. They affect you don’t they?

If you are in physical pain it doesn’t matter if there’s a physiological reason like a broken bone or if it’s a misfire in your brain. It’s still painful. And you would never tell someone in pain that it’s not real because you can’t see the problem. So why would you tell yourself that.

No one can take away your validity, you are in total control of whether you belive in yourself. Other people can do their best to invalidate you and influence your confidence, but it only if you let them will they have any success.

And I know it might sound a bit hypocritical because I didn’t feel valid until my therapist told me I was this morning. This is as much a lesson I need to learn as it is for you. I just hope as many people as possible can hear this and start to do something about it for themselves.

Other than that, have a goodnight.

-Apollo

Like, we feel so bad for the host’s boyfriend because she will periodically just disappear and he’ll be stuck with some random person who has her body, like that must suck. I kinda want to force a switch for him but I know she switched out for a reason.

-either Leo or Hunter

Okay but can we talk about how much amnesia sucks? As a system we don’t have a lot of in the moment Black outs. We have some grey outs and a lot of emotional amnesia, but we don’t fade in and out of consciousness. At least not that we remember.

What we do struggle with is remembering past events. Even as far back as a week or two ago we have black spots that we can’t even remember that we don’t remember. Friends will tell me something happened and I just have to go with it even though I have absolutely no clue what their talking about.

I apparently beat my bf at a board game a few weeks ago and he brought it out again for us to play. I didn’t recognize it all. My first reaction was:

“Oh that looks like a fun game,”

Because I had zero recollection of ever playing it or even seeing it. My bf looked me dead in the face and asked if I was serious because it had only been a few weeks since I destroyed him at it.

There are so many good memories that I’m missing because of my disorder. So many moments that are lost to me and without me even realizing that they aren’t there.

This is one of the darker parts of the disorder that I don’t see talked about a lot. Missing time with loved ones so you don’t remember the trauma.

There are good things that have come from my system and headmates. But let’s not invalidate the pain that comes from not remembering your past.

Tw: syscourse

I’m going to be totally honest, I don’t have a problem with endos as long as they stay in their own lane. They don’t belong in DID/OSDD spaces, but I refuse to hate someone for their beliefs. If they believe they are a system, cool, let them do their thing. I personally believe that you form a system as a coping mechanism to repetitive inescapable trauma. But if you believe something different and you aren’t hating on me for what I believe, totally cool, agree to disagree.

That being said, I will not support people who hate on traumagenic for any reason. I always tag my posts with #endos dni because so many people have been attacked by them for being traumagenic with their own ideas.

I’m not saying if you identify as endogenic you’re a bad person and you’re hateful. I just don’t want to invite endos into a place for traumagenic systems. The same way that cishets and straights aren’t always allowed in LGTBQ spaces, there are spaces just for traumagenic systems. And I want this to be one of them because I believe that trauma is the only way to truly be a system.

If you believe something different, that’s cool, I just ask that you don’t interact. I can’t stop you, all I can do is warn you that if you choose to interact anyway you are representing your community as one that does not listen to boundaries.

These are my own beliefs, please do not hate on others (including other alters in my system as they have their own beliefs) due to these beliefs. If you really want to hate on someone hate on me, just know again that you are instilling an image of a hateful community that does not believe that others are entitled to their opinion. Which everyone is.

Okay that’s it, rant over, have a good day whoever you are and however you identify. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

-whoever the heck is fronting

Waves!!

I see you in our notes on @crow-collective15 a lot and wanted to say hello!!!

Hi! Hope you are doing well.

-Apollo

ED, weight and food talk below the cut. Proceed with caution.

So in the past couple of months I’ve started being very particular with my food. Like I could only make myself eat my safe foods unless I was really forcing myself. And then slowly it turned into only being able to eat my safe foods at all. And then two weeks ago it developed into not even being able to eat my safe foods.

In the past three months I’ve lost 25 pounds unintentionally. In the past ten days I’ve eaten a total of four meals. And it’s not like I don’t want to eat, it’s not like I’m having a ED relapse and I’m keeping myself from eating because I don’t want to gain weight it’s just that every time I get something ready, heat it up and put it in front of me, I cannot get myself to actually eat it.

It’s to the point when I’m freezing, shivering, in my bedroom, the same place I used to always think was way too hot. (And don’t blame the season, I’m in Florida and the highs are still in the 80s every day). I’ve started fitting into my mom’s clothes. My mom who is underweight for her height and three inches shorter than me. My own clothes don’t fit anymore. And even seeing all of this, wanting to eat, I just CANT.

I don’t know why.

And I don’t know what to do about it.

I’ve tried eating distracted, giving myself something to give my focus to, all that does is give me an excuse to not look at the food at all and not touch it. I’ve tried eating things I’m in the mood for and that worked until about three-four weeks ago when I was no longer in the mood for anything.

Not eating combined with ten hour work shifts I’m actually scared I’m going to pass out while working. Cause it’s all manual labor and walking around. Todays the first day of my four day work week, with any luck today won’t be terrible but the 500 calories I had yesterday and the 5 hours of sleep that I’m running on are not promising numbers.

Ok, I’m done ranting for now. Hope you guys have a good day.

-Hunter

[Text: This introject isn't their source.]

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That system feeling when you can’t tell if you’re finally coming out of week long depressive episode, or if it’s just the caffeine you drank, or if someone else with more self confidence is fronting…..

Love from whoever the heck this is ❤️❤️❤️❤️ it’s probably not Apollo though

This, but for every mental illness. Self diagnosing can be really helpful and when backed with proper research I have very little problem with it. If you feel that ceritain terms help you understand something, go for it, those terms aren’t only there for people who are in a position where they can get a diagnosis. They are also there for those questioning and trying to understand who they are.

I personally start to have a problem when people use terms incorrectly and spread misinformation using them (shout out to the majority of the endo community)

It’s like someone with a hoarding disorder telling people it’s because they’re autistic. Both of these things can be issues separately and should both have support, but they are two entirely different things. Claiming you are one thing without doing the proper research can very easily spread discourse and misinformation.

Spreading misinformation can be detrimental to someone trying to understand themselves or anyone trying to understand someone in the community.

And spreading discourse is a great way to further divide a community like this one that is already rocky.

I’m fine with people self diagnosing in certain situations with proper research. Getting an actual diagnosis just isn’t possible for a lot of people and it can be really difficult to live your life not fully accepting that something is happening, or not being able to explain your symptoms properly because you don’t feel those terms are for you.

-stay safe and well, Apollo

In my autism evaluation today, my evaluator said "whether or not we can give you an on-the-books diagnosis, you do have autistic traits. I would never want to take away language that has helped you find a supportive community or skills and tools that help you navigate the world. Don't use the diagnosis as the be-all end-all measure of your validity."