Something I Struggle With Is The Question Of If I'm 'strong' Or 'weak'.
Something I struggle with is the question of if I'm 'strong' or 'weak'.
Not to steel-ball-run my words but I mean in the sense of a protagonist. Some protagonists have a mind of steel. They take hardship on the chin and take on the burden of responsibility, or honor, or martyrdom. The stories I love to read the most are characters with little to no talent. They grind at the wall of talent and background until nothing remains, through the power of concerted effort and their only true talent of the iron will.
But I don't have that. I never have. I don't even find it relatable. I have spent my entire life keenly aware of it. I coast on talent, I lean on familial benefits, I give up when the going gets tough, and I choose the path of least resistance and most stability.
When I grew up the faculty of my school always would put the word GRIT on the walls. This hard won effort and willingness to endure that they advertised as the height of true internal strength. At the time, I was far too mentally ill, and found it insulting. Don't they know that some people can't afford effort?
Then time passed. I stamped down some illnesses and corralled some others, I become a new man a dozen times. And every time I'd check. Just maybe I'm strong now. Please. Please make me someone who can withstand hardship. Because I lived in fear of falling into hard times and being unwilling to survive them.
Other people lived in spite of circumstance. They fought and whether they win or lose it let them grow as a person. I just built myself from spare parts. I did not grow organically, I just kept replacing pieces of myself until I looked like a real person.
So I wondered. Did I live well under an unfathomable weight, and now I simply do not feel it? Or have I always lived it on easy street, whining over something small? Or is it some combination, and if so, am I stronger than I was when I was younger? Or have I grown complacent?
It's meaningless. I know it is. There's no way to quantify it. I'll just have to live without knowing if what I'm fighting is strong enough to warrant my current standard of suffering.
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Quad's arc between 20-G4 is something I go back to constantly, episode 23 specifically. But this comic was inspired by a moment in G4, when Quad went out to get coffee for the group, which included Blora and Susan.
I think it was a difficult transition for Quad to go from catering to Order's every wish because that's what he thought love was, to understanding that people will like him just the way he is, not for what he can do. But it's okay, he now has a support system that will help him along :')
This isn't a review or anything I just... I think I came to a weird realization.
So I frequent a lot of pornographic forums (mostly due to the human desire to talk about something you like) and I find they drop into two categories neatly:
1: aw yeah we're so fucked up and I love being a degenerate yeeea
Or 2: so I'm looking around and it seems like everyone here is missing, like, the exact same thing from their daily life that this gives me. Which uh, feels bad, but I guess this is group therapy now.
Like, check any gentle-dom, mommydom, even some pegging forums and you will just find a wealth of "oh." As people realize the bone deep desire to be told they are loved, wanted, and are doing a good job is uh, not primarily at least, a sex thing.
Posts with titled like "I don't care about gender, sex, identity, I just want to be loved" over a shockingly well rendered animation of a dude getting his back blown out by an older woman hit different when you know they're 1000% serious.
Like. I am guilty. I'm on those forums.
But I find myself at times of weakness, where I wonder if I'm Ace or Aro at all, having to draw a knife's edge border between psychological need and genuine desire.
And I do not know where that line is because I am not sure I've ever been on the other side of it.
Like, do I want romance or is the love of a trusted person a shockingly effective shortcut to self-actualizing and pride? Do I want to engage in a sexual act with someone or is it just a fastpass ticket to being told I am wanted and worthy of being desired?
Is it BDSM or do I just want to be reassured that what I'm doing is good, correct, and effective? That I can engage in an act I am unconfident in and be forgiven my inability due to my lack of choice and being provided constant instruction.
Am I not AroAce or just Insecure?
Ahh idk. It feels good to scream to the void. I'll figure it out, or I won't. Ain't like it's the weight of the world.
Hey I know you're working on pumping out a bunch of videos rn and we're all super excited but please take care of yourself salt man, you're our favorite white boy and we want you to be okay 🙏
Thank you for the reminder dude. I’ve been busy with personal real life issues alongside all the upcoming videos I’ve been working on, so I’m trying my best to take breathers when I can.
For a majority of the day I’ve actually just been giggling reading comments, so it’s been a nice change of pace haha
A blog for me to shitpost and expose my deepest secrets. Jason Fakename, He/Him, mid 20's
142 posts