You Know, Ive Always Wanted To Talk About What Happened, But He Kept Avoiding It. So, I Went On With

In Biology we were talking about euthanasia and our thoughts on it. Literally everyone in my class was saying they couldnt imagine wanting to die. That they didnt even have the guts to even hurt themselves in any way. I kept getting flashbacks to last night, and all the fresh scars on my arms and legs and it made me die a little bit more inside, knowing how truly alone i was.

What if im making a mistake...

- this could go terribly wrong....

you can never replace anyone, can you? I mean you can try. you can try like hell. you can try and forget but its always there.

My sleeve rolled up, but only for a second. I didnt even notice my fresh scars were showing. Suddenly i feel my sleeve being pulled up. Its my "friend". She doesnt know i cut. Only 1 person knows. I just said it was my sisters cat. She didnt buy it. Other people start to join in, asking what really happened. Ive beeen keeping this secret for 2 years, and ill be damned if they find out now.

Eventually, they gave up on asking. That night, i cut a little too deep. A little too far down. My thighs were already covered in blood, so i moved on to my upper arms, so it could be covered with a tshirt. It started rolling up again and the next day, i felt that same terror as someone tried pulling up my sleeve without warning. I couldnt think. I was in a group of about 10 people, and i had a total breakdown. I blacked out, but luckily, my one friend was in that group and told everyone to just leave me alone. Thats why i love her so much. I know she'll always have my back, even though we havent talked about it in a year.

Its always in my mind, and it never goes away. I think about cutting all the time. That doesnt change. However, i dont want to anymore, and thats what makes me think im getting better.

- i mostly want the last time to be the last time.

Well, i couldnt even go 24 hours...

Ive been clean for months before, but i just cant anymore.

I said it would be fine. That i was okay just being your friend... until you told me that you love her and that you would wait for her. You once said that to me, and now you dont even think about what we once had, because to you, that was nothing. I knew i was just your rebound, but i just wanted to know what it was like. I was in it for the rush, that high you get. But little did i know there would be such a dark fall after. Were good. Weve both moved on. But, still i go back to us holding hands in the movie theatre, telling me you love me. Well, not really. You went back to her a few weeks later. Youre chasing someone who doesnt love you, and im chasing you, who doesnt love me. What made me this messed up that i dont look at the people who love me but only think about the one who doesnt? Because whats not healthy for you always has the best high, and once youve had a taste, youre hooked.

i could never explain why i cut myself

Im in one of the worst places mentally that I've ever been in. I don't understand what I did wrong. Why did he stop answering my texts and leave me on read for days??? Why only now after only a week hit me up again and think I'll just come back to you? I probably will but that's not the point. If I just disappeared... Would you even notice? You wouldnt care... I know, because I've been gone for months and you haven't even noticed. It's all too much for me... Fuck.

Is this what happiness feels like? Its been so long, i cant quite remember...