Latest Posts by buttonstheturtle - Page 7

Meet Atlas, he's very vocal when awake but rn he's hugging my thigh and sleepin'.

Accidentally took a really nice shot of my backpack! Haha, you can easily tell which pins I made myself and which are store bought! I found out a few days ago that his bag was my grammy's!

Me and my mom started a fairy garden, just cause and it includes my first succulent! The little tab from the store said it was called "hens and chicks" I think. I'm the one that got to set all of it up so far, it was really fun! We'll be expanding and adding stuff to it really soon!

This post claims to have 1 note but I'm pretty sure me posting it doesn't count. 🙃🐢🙃🐢

Encyclopedias

Of random/oddly specific topics: do they exist and where can I get them. Seriously, I want.

I want encyclopedias/books of/about:

-plants (specifically succulents, cacti, and sunflowers)

-animals (rabbits, cats, frogs, turtles, sheep, goats, snakes, and bees)

-clothes/fashion/trends (fuck me up with that character design material)

-art (just a fucking book about art history and shit because I fucking want one)

I just- I have some things I wanna learn about and they happen to be very strange and specific, ok.

Im in the kind of mood to throw everything away. I feel like deleting all my posts. I want to get off the internet. I'll draw that same fucking window. I'll tell myself that I'll be back to normal tomorrow. But I just want to break anything and everything important to me and then go to sleep. And when I wake up, have nothing be real. But instead I'm going to pretend I'm a real person and keep playing the same mobile game that I've managed not to delete yet. And I'll be ok.

Sometimes I forget to be obsessed with stuff and end up feeling bored and empty until I dredge up things I used to like of find something new.

I'm starting to realize that liking certain stuff shouldn't feel like a chore.

Being in a fandom shouldn't feel like going to school, when school felt like climbing up an endless staircase with the goal of reaching it's nonexistent top.

Having interests shouldn't make me feel like I'm bullshiting my way though an essay but I'm not even sure if it was ever assigned.

I just want to find something to love that I won't forget to like.

Friend: *kills hinself*

My fucking, shit-brain: death? You like death?? You want some dreams of death??? Have some nightmares of people being mauled or run over! Have nightmares of your past friends and old teachers chasing you while tying to kill you!! Have a nightmare of your mom planing to kill you!!!

You LOVE death right?

Me: I'd rather die from exhaustion then sleep.

Brain: not good enough? Wanna imagine your nephew being murdering by someone gouging his eyes out?? Wanna imagine him falling down some stairs and smashing his head open??? I can do that! I'll even make you think about him being kidnapped!! Or maybe even just him suffocating in his sleep!!!

DONT YOU JUST L O V E DEATH???

Encyclopedias

Of random/oddly specific topics: do they exist and where can I get them. Seriously, I want.

I want encyclopedias/books of/about:

-plants (specifically succulents, cacti, and sunflowers)

-animals (rabbits, cats, frogs, turtles, sheep, goats, snakes, and bees)

-clothes/fashion/trends (fuck me up with that character design material)

-art (just a fucking book about art history and shit because I fucking want one)

I just- I have some things I wanna learn about and they happen to be very strange and specific, ok.

I missed. His funeral.

Fuck.

I missed the entire service because my nephew was being loud/giggly/fussy and I offered to walk around the church lobby and outside for a bit to see if he's calm down.

He didn't.

I missed the entire. Fucking. Service.

I was actually relieved at first but then almost immediately get super pissed about it, because this is someone that I was friends with when I was like 3-9 years old and he killed himself and I MISSED HIS GODAMN FUNERAL.

What the fuck am I supposed to do except be fucking pissy???

Long story short: I'm being a bitch because I didn't do something that I didn't even want to do.

I really don't want go to his funeral today.

Went to the creek near my house and these flowers have sprouted up everywhere. Feel free to use for whatever I guess, i don't really give a crap either way.

When your friend kills himself and you cheer yourself up by drawing a lesbian and her nonbinary crush. I'm so good at coping. Anyways, these are my OCs. The girl doesn't have a name yet, she's an alien and she's either related to a rabbit god that lives on the moon or just really likes bunnies, either way. The other one is Sammie, a living scarecrow of sorts, I guess. They're a farmer that really likes pumpkins and doesn't understand affection/romance at all.

I'm mostly numb but I cry sometimes.

I kept debating as to whether or not I should post about this but then I remembered that my only other relatively-social outlet is my therapist so I decided to post.

My childhood friend shot himself yesterday. He died this afternoon while in the hospital.

At first I thought: "I won't be majorly affected by this, I haven't talked to him in over a year! I'm just uncomfortable because talking about suicide makes my anxiety spike due to another friends of mine attempting with me as her last goodbye!"(She's alive as far as I know, thank fucking god)

But then my mom was talking to my grandmother about what happened and mentioned that I'd been friends with him and his little sister...

And I realized... Jacob is dead. One of my childhood friends killed himself.

We're only 15... My friend is gone and we're practically still children

I keep having random bouts of re-realization because it just doesn't make any sense...

I can't feel anything. He's dead. He's gone and my emotions keep going in and out like an indesicve tide hugging the shore.

One second I'm sobbing and then, for a while, I'm completely numb.

I... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I was so sure that this wouldn't affect me.

But she's ok. The friend I mentioned earlier is still alive.

I'm so glad she's alive, though. If I'm reacting like this to someone I haven't talked to in almost a year- I can only imagine what I'd be feeling if she'd succeeded...

I hope she knows how happy I am every time I remember that she's alive.

And how comforting that thought is now.

Because we're still just kids. Because we shouldn't be dying.

We're just kids

Fucking Easter, my dudes

My dad hid some eggs with money in them along with a ton of empty ones.

Long story short: only 17 had money and I now have 11 dollars.

I had an asthma attack partway through searching, though.

Here's a tiny room Tucked behind my ears And hidden in my head The person I want to be The things I want to see The books I want to read Are cluttered in that room Somewhere in my head I don't know where But There's a window And two chairs, Plants I don't recognize And paintings Of people I don't know One lamp For light It's all the- Sticks - stones - words That could ever hurt me Piled up under one roof And stacked On one shelf There's one corner I can hide in And plenty of things To hold And places to sit To think I never want to leave My little room In my head

I don't think I've posted a drawing of these two yet! Lemme just- fix that real quick! This is Selina Kingsley and Franklin Amdras-Simel! As you can see: my babies are growing up and I love them very much(despite the fact they don't actually exist)!

At least my nephew likes my cooking. I made mashed potatoes!

JUST WALKED OUT OF THE THEATER AND I CAN NOT STOP SMILING, HOLY SHIT, GO SEE LOVE, SIMON!!!

I love these dorks💚💛 These are both my own ocs: Pidgeon and Daisy! Pidge is the tol, reserved, dorky one and Daisy is the smol, chubby, loud one. I love then sm

Did I just read this entire book in literally one sitting? You fucking bet I did. What I have not done is sleep... It's 4 am.........

Sometimes I think back to -arguably- my most prestigious accomplishment: Being a creative writer in Piccolo Spoleto:Rising Stars.

And I think: why the ever-fuckity-fuck did I think those poems were good???

I was so stiff and awkward, it was terribleeee

But, you know what, if I were to get he chance to do it again, I would.

But I wouldn't read poems about love (for... reasons)-oh no!- I'd write some poems about anger, or sadness, or something stupid and meaningless! Because this are the things I should write about.

Looking back though, performing was such an insane experience that is do again in a heart beat.

I tried to draw my son... It did not turn out how I wanted. CECIL PALMER, CAN YOU STOP BEING SUCH A USELESS GAY(tm) AND DO YOUR JOB? YES, I KNOW, CARLOS IS PERFECT, BUT PEOPLE ARE DYING, CECIL. ive listened to 1-17 so far. (CAAARLOOOSS💛💛💛💛!!!!!!!!<- mood)

I started listening to WTNV...

And I just need to ask two quick questions:

1. How is Cecil not dead/why haven't any of the things he's not supposed to talk about (management, the shape in the park, etc.) killed him yet????

2. Does Carlos not listen to the radio or is he very much aware that Cecil is completely infatuated with him and just kinda goes with it, 'cause that's a mood??? (I think I've seen people saying they get married? And I'm like?? Cecil dreams actually coming true??? What????)

I should probably point out that I've only listened to the first 6 episodes...

Some people would say I have a problem. I prefer to call it an accumulation of the greatest invention ever: Buttons.

Holy shit.

My therapist is proud of me!

I did really good today during my appointment!!! I'm really proud of me!

This bitch be improovin'!!!

Sometimes

The sun is just the sun,

Yellow is just yellow,

Books are just books,

Friends are just friends,

And none of it matters.

And other times...

The sun is warmth and life,

Yellow is joyful and bright,

Books are portals and light,

And friends are loving and kind.

Sometimes

You need to be told "It's not your fault"

Other times

You already know

Sometimes

You need to be told "Don't give up!"

Other times

You just dont

But maybe it's safer to be told

That things matter

That things can be good

That your efforts are not wasted

That all hope is not lost

That better days are coming

That you just need to keep running

That you might need a brake

That there's no blame to place

That you'll be ok

Because

We often forget the most obvious things

Humans aren't as perfect as we claim to be

We forget

And it's safer to be told again

"I love you"

"You matter"

"It'll get better"

"Its not your fault"

"Don't give up"

"You'll be ok"

There will be better days.

Why did I make this as a post...???

Oh shit I have therapy today!

Ps: friend(you know who you are) if you ever want to hang out feel free to just text me!

I'd love to hang out sometime and I don't have anything else to do, anyways, so you don't need to worry that I might be busy! I love you!

Downloaded a collage maker app and made a thing out of some -edited- pictures I've taken. I kinda like it, tbh.

One of our girl bunnies gave birth to at least 10 babies saturday before last, 2 were already dead when we found them.

4 were gray and tan and the other 4 were completely black.

Only 4 survived until tuesday of the following week. The 4 black ones. One died one sunday, and three on monday.

Tuesday -the day I got punished for drawing a picture- there were still alive.

Two more died -one a day- before I took the remaining two away from their mother.

She had been letting them die and them eating them.

I took care of those last two since then.

One of them was sick and died this monday.

The last one died this morning.

I had been keeping it (I kept both of them in it) in a small box -made nest with a giant sweater and a heated sock full of rice.

Last night/this morning it somehow got out and got into the dog cage.

We have three, small, very old, blind, and mostly deaf dogs.

One of which fucking loves puppies/anything reassembling puppies.

The last baby was loved to death. And with the description my mom, who found it, gave me... It's a horrible way to die.

I don't know why I'm not upset.

I don't know why I'm posting this.

I'm not ignoring you, please know that.

I'm not leaving to spite you.

I Leaving for the benefit of MY mental health.

Why does everything I do count as ignoring you when you hate Me?

You agreed with him, but neither of you want to hear me out.

Stop thinking this is about you, it's distracting you from people you like.

What am I supposed to do...

I'm terrified of getting better.

The idea of focusing on myself scares me.

I'm trying so hard to get better but I'm making myself worse.

But fuck it, I'll comfort you.

Even though you're forcing yourself to pretend you like me as though you owe me something for crying while my mom called the cops that night.

Even if I'll never be able to forgive myself for being so fucking selfish.

How dare my mother take me out of school because it's been negatively affecting me and the only reason I even went was to see my friends.

Friends.

The people that hate me.

The people that couldn't care less.

The people that wish I were dead.

Fuck it.

I'll comfort you.

When no else bothers to think about how fucking guilty I feel for even fucking breathing, fuck it.

Fine.

It's not your fault.

You're not alone.

You're not selfish.

I don't hate you.

I thought...

Nevermind.

You deserve to live.

You deserve to be happy.

You deserve good friends.

You don't deserve to have me hanging around and overstating my brief welcome.

I'm sorry for manipulating you into being my friend. God, I'm so sorry.

I want you to forget about me.

I want you to stay with people who help you.

I want you to stop wasting time on me.

I'm a hopeless bitch.

I'm a waste of time.

So stop it.

Please

I'm so sorry.

I should never have been so fucking selfish.

Because I'm not special.

And things won't get better for me.

I deserve the shit they throw.

I deserve to be isolated.

I deserve for them to hate me.

To wish I were dead.

Can't say I blame them.

You can get better.

And I hope you do.

I'm sorry.