This Is What It's Like To Be Here

In highschool I wrote a story about a middle-generation of stellar travelers. Their parents were born on earth and left as children, and the middle generation will not live long enough to see their destination. They live their entire lives on the ship and I wrote about them trying to find their place in everything. They will never know blue skies and warm beaches and open fields with warm breezes. They’ll never know birdsong or crickets or frogs. They’ll never hear the rain on the roof of a dreary day. I never could find the right way to end the story. I wanted it to be a happy ending, but I didn’t know how to do it.

I realize now that it was a book about me dealing with depression before I even knew it. Looking back at how blatant the projecting was, it’s obvious now. It wasn’t then.

In the story, the middle-generation people are lost. They’re apathetic. They’re just a placeholder. The only job they have is to keep the ship running, have kids, and die. As the middle generation of people began becoming adults, suicide rates were skyrocketing. Crime and drug rates were jumping. This generation was completely apathetic because they felt that they had no use.

In the story, a small group of people in the middle-generation create the Weather Project. They turn the ship into a terrarium. They make magnificent gardens and take the DNA of animals they took with them and recreate them and they make this cold, metal spaceship that they have to live their entire lives on into a home. They take what little they have and they break it and rearrange it into something beautiful. They take this radical idea and turn the ship into a wonderful jungle of trees and birds and sunshine.

And I realize now how much it reflects my state of mind as I transitioned from a child into an adult while dealing with depression. You always hear “it gets better” and “when you’re older things will be easier” and I was so sick of waiting for it to get better. I was in the middle-generation stage. And I was sick of it. I was so sick of waiting.

When I was in highschool I didn’t know how to end the story. I didn’t know how to have a happy ending. I didn’t have the life experience then to finish the story in a meaningful way. I didn’t know how to make it better for these middle-generation characters.

But now that I’m older, I’m learning. That if you sit and wait for things to get better, it never will. You have to take your life and break it apart and rearrange it into something beautiful. You have to make the cold metal ship into the garden that you deserve. You have to make your own meaning. You have to plant your own garden.

You have to teach yourself that being happy is not a radical idea.

—female rage

? // medusa by caravaggio // gregory radionov // artemisia gentileschi // monstrous flesh: on women’s bodies in horror by rebecca harknis-cross // carrie (1976) // corruption by camille norton // midsommar (2019) // helen of troy does countertop dancing by margaret atwood // medusa in her throne by reza sedhi

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Reblog this to prove your blog was made before the February 2022 tumblr resurgence

and you know what ill be crazy and say it IDC if closeted people make lighthearted gay jokes and also i know schlannie comfort character jschlatt isnt going to come talk to me about accountability and how to foster a non-toxic community And while im at it im so sorry that someone was hypercriticized for being homophobic to Dream GOOD LORD it must be so hard having thousands of eyes on them picking apart their every word but APPARENTLY if they were in Dream's shoes it would all be different so really whats the problem wheres the gracious apology? and i knaurrrr we all love to cry privileged rich dude on the internet but besides the obvious fact that ummmm You just described half of your Fav CC list, its srsly time you deconstructed this twisted notion that Dream is the second fucking coming of elon musk -- because really im sitting here wondering what lavish luxuries Dream is sitting in as he stews in his dark ass fucking room for a full two years terrified of leaving his home and only experiences the social interaction of his discord friends and every bitch on twitter who has some shit to say, and he cant even trust the people he has on discord to defend him either because here comes dsmp member #33 cranking out a cheap diss for clout -- not that he'd call them out for it. and maybe if u got off ur prideful high horse about being the paragon of virtue then youd be able to actually do something good in the world instead of telling some 22 year old to khs because all ur twitter friends have made him the perfect punching bag for u to take cheap shots off of while u project every issue uve had with another human being onto him (luckily those kind people who doxxed a teenage girl have provided something for you to talk about for 3 years) and you can cry and mald over the fact that Dream HAS done a lot of good for the gaming community and its probably more of a # leftist win ! then youll ever accomplish in your gawddamn life. but umm heres a consolation prize for reading more carrds i guess. and yes, people WERE asking him to come out and if u have selectively chosen to forget that then its a problem with your neurologist and not my fucking issue and ultimately if you are upset with Dream all u are doing is causing urself and others misery by continuing to scrutinize his every act so move on and be above the internet drama like you apparently would if you were Dream.

PLUS, RATIO.

Yes, Spain!!!!

[Image descriptions: 1. Tweet by AJ+ @AJPlus [gold check verified] that says: Spain became the 1st country in Europe to offer paid menstrual leave, for 3-5 days. It also gave final approval to laws that: [bullet point] enshrine rights to abortion for people over 16 [bullet point] let trans people over 16 self-identify gender by simple declaration, one of the only places to do so [Attached to the Tweet is a photo of a group of people with trans flags gathered on the steps of a building with large stone columns.]

2. A headline from DW that says: “Spain passes laws on trans rights, abortion, menstrual leave – DW.” The visible part of the article says, “The new laws expand transgender rights and abortion access, as well as give workers paid menstrual leave. The approval comes ahead of…” \End descriptions]

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