I Will Succeed. Not Immediately. But Definitely.

new beginnings and falling back into routine

its been a long time since i've used this blog, I made this blog last year in hopes that it will hold me more accountable to being productive and while I have been productive without the blog, I feel like it only adds to a bigger problem that I am only now becoming aware of. i do things for the sake of others to appear cool. i realize how incredibly embarrassing and juvenile that is to write out loud, but it is true. i want the attention of others because I feel like if I do cool things that will earn me friendship, and I need to stop doing this. i need to do things I enjoy, and allow myself the pleasure of being mediocre for things I am just starting to learn, and do things for myself instead of things for others. that was really a long winded way of me saying I'm getting back into old hobbies I quit because I didn't give myself enough time to be good at them, and I am going to continue doing my hobbies even though I realize I will never be as great as others. i will continue to try to improve because I like improving and not for the sake of others.

to keep myself motovatied, I will be doing a 30 day challenge for some of the hobbies I want to get back into. I feel like by the end of 30 days I will learn if I really like these hobbies, or I like how others made me feel when I said I could do these hobbies, anyway, I will be making myself post because its a good way for accountability and I loved the online community I met when blogging.

babygirl the way you forsake your happiness on your relentless quest to vengeance, your complicated relationship with gender and the way you're covered in blood have bewitched me body and soul

create your own archives people!!!

You should be starting a recipe book. I don't give a shit if you're only 20-years-old. The modern web is rotting away bit by bit before our very eyes. You have no idea when that indie mom blog is going down or when Pinterest will remove that recipe. Copy it down in a notebook, physically or digitally. Save it somewhere only you can remove it. Trust me, looking for a recipe only to find out it's been wiped off the internet is so fucking sad. I've learned my lesson one too many times.

5/31/24

sorry guys for the breif break, but school got out and I decided to allow myself a bit of a break. for the past two weeks I have had the luxury of being a slug, but i start my job in two days and decided to begin to acclimate myself to being a functional human. throughout my break i was proud of myself because i wrote every day, weather that was journaling or working on something publishable, and i read daily.

being home was an unwelcome change, me and my mom don't get along, and thankfully she had been working in office the past 2 weeks, but now that shes working from home I've decided to spend as little time as possible at home. my mom is generally unsupportive of anything that she doesn't seem as valuable, and sees my hobbies as a waste of time unless she can brag to her friends about it.

in other good news, i've found a new eq barn and am trying it out tomorrow, I've been drinking water consistently and i found my bracelet and necklace that i thought i loss. they belonged to my dad before i 'stole' them, and have become very important to me, despite my hatred of working retail, i am excited to have some structure in my life, i find that when i have appointments or schedules it makes me more productive so working again should be good for me, anyway here's to what i did today

whay i did today:

wahsed hair

oiled scalp

read only the brave washed and put away clothes

washed dishes

cooked

journaled

went through storage bins

drunk a crap ton of water

not quite fall, but i want it to be fall reading list

don't judge me, i know its not technically fall ( and still 105 degrees where I live), but I can do what I want.. anyway here is what I plan to read this fall/academic year

books i'm rereading

the outsiders

the hunger games

the hunger games- finished

catching fire-need to annotate

song of Achilles-need to annoatata

the poppy war-reading

if we were villains-rereading

5 survive- rereading

the girls Ive been

ace of spades

the girls I've been

the gold finch

how to be eaten

a good girls guide to murder

good girl, bad blood

tiny little fires

things have gotten worse since we last spoke

lock the doors

all the young dudes trilogy

the illiad

jayne eyre

the atlas 6

if we were villains

dune

little women

circe

the raven boys triology

a little life

bunny

a song of ice and fire

dark rise

six of crows series

neon gods

red queen sereis

the perks of being a wallflower

the last thing he told me

the good lie

this might hurt

the meaning of night

my dearest darkest

the bell jar

Reading my own writing like

Is it the best thing in the world? No

Is it flawless? No

Do I love it from the bottom of my heart, to the moon and back? Oh my God yes

[04.29]

hey pookie bears. i'm actually very proud of myself despite the fact that i didn't do much. I did a lot in my mind though. Little life update, I started talking to a man (Ik its gross), and I thought we made a connection but then he invited me over to 'watch a movie' so I guess not. I started lifting weights, and my thighs are sore but in a good way. I kind of want more internet friends so dm and tell me about your day if you want :)

what i did today: annotated a secret history oiled my hair finished taking notes ate lunch went to the gym played badminton drink 3 bottles of water from my nalgene wrote 1000 words

i want more friends, so if you like horses or books or anime dm or just need someone to talk to hmu

[4.17]

today I: went to the barn took notes finished speech outline sewed sleeves went to a meeting wash and folded clothes wrote 800 words registered for classes

for my daily allotted complaining time, I had to wake up at 4AM to register for classes, and then at around 11, I went to the barn for practice, which went well, until it was time to turn the horses out and one escaped, so me and the coach spent the better part of an hour attempting to catch a runaway horse, and while I wanted nothing more than to shower and spend the rest of the day in bed, I didn't let myself wallow in the embarrassment of what happened, I showered, and made myself tick things off a now manageable to-do list

all the moons of 2024

foreshadowing done well makes me go feral like there’s NOTHING better than getting to the end a book or an important storyline moment and realising that the author laced information so intricately into their writing that weren’t noticeable upon first read but when you read back sections they’re light giant red flags like wow writing is amazing