Ooh Fancy Pants Rich McGee Over Here ✨

Bruce not experiencing Damian’s baby and toddler years was probably for the best, because can you imagine how sickeningly sweet and positively over-the-top he would’ve been?

Damian would’ve been dressed in those adorable animal, character, and theme onesies. Halloween? Pumpkin that baby. Christmas? Lil baby angel outfit. Hanukkah? You’re a latke now, sweet boy. It’s Tuesday? Guess you’re a starfish today, baby. A limitless amount of adorable, ridiculous outfits.

And don’t let the facade of high-society sophistication and propriety fool you—Bruce would’ve been calling that baby everything but his name. Stinky man, my lil boo boo, baby boy, sweetheart, goober. When Damian sees a cow for the first time and goes “moo”? Guess your name’s Moo Moo now. What? I could just call him Dami? No, thank you. His name is Squish today. He will be Chubby Bunny tomorrow. No, I am not taking notes or suggestions.

Randos trying to touch or hold Damian? Be prepared to catch a whole Batfamily’s worth of hands. No, don’t look at my baby—bitch, I said don’t look at my baby. See, you looked at him, and now I have to buy your whole life on a discount. Look at what you made me do.

Harley (dieting for three days): If I don’t eat something that’s not celery… I’m going to snap.

Her eyes darted to Jason, who was savoring a cheeseburger. He chewed slowly, oblivious to Harley’s hungry gaze fixed on him. She smacked her lips staring at the burger he tried to hide his meal.

Harley: Give me that cheeseburger!

With a burst of energy, Harley pounced on Jason, knocking them both to the ground as she wrestled him for the burger while he tried to crawl away, pushing her back.

Jason: I spent a lot of money on this!

Harley: Let me have at least one bun!

Jason: Just stop dieting already! You look fine!

Artemis (sarcastically, while cleaning a gun): Oh sure, because that’s going to fix everything.

Jason: Why did you decide to diet during a mission?!

Harley (attempting to swipe the burger away): I have to go to an awards show; just let me have a bit!

Roy (while reading): Harley, you have to fight the urges.

Artemis: You should know—

Roy: Don’t finish that sentence.

Jason, being dragged away while holding the burger, pleaded for help.

Jason: Could one of you help me?!

Bizarro walked over to the scuffle, effortlessly lifting Harley as if she were a backpack and shoving Jason's burger into her mouth.

Bizarro: It’s not a veggie burger, as well.

Harley (with her mouth full): Good lookin' out, buddy.

Bruce doesn’t often give out hugs because they are the most powerful device in all of the dc universe.

One hug from this mammoth of a man will have you feeling the most comfort you’ve ever felt in your entire life. He’s bigger than most people so it completely engulfs you, it’s warm, and he squeezes everyone the right amount.

He’s got the art of hugging down to a science and he doesn’t even know it. All of his kids are too stubborn to ask for a hug and whenever he gives them out spontaneously they go silent in his hold, making him think that he’s bad at giving them.

It’s truly a powerful weapon.

The batkids also don’t ask for hugs often cause if they did they would always forgive Bruce. They wanna stay angry just a while longer.

more of the amnesia incident* au (first post)

these tags are from @solarkindred, thanks for the coolio headcanons my brotha 👍

also stink comic thing i unintentionally made it wasnt meant to be one

tags from @radioactiverats thanks for more coolio headcanons my guy 👍

tags kind related to this pic? like the yapping teenagers part ig yeah

(i had a fun time drawing his eyes here :D ) i think Meg is that one person thats so awkward and quiet and a COMPLETE LOSER when hes around people he doesnt know, but when he gets to know them more then hes legit unrecognisable like he goes from "oh, hi....." to "OMG HEY GUYYYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!" literally me with my school frfr

Imagine for me please Gothamites mocking Batman because sure he’s their ‘savior’ and all, but he’s also one of them and it’s been a few years since he’s become Batman so he’s well known and just- Batman: *growling* go home! Teenager:… gO hOmE~ like what are you? My dad? Batman:… Teenager:… I’m kidding please don’t adopt me - Batman: I am vengeance. I am the night. I am Batman.  Gothamite: ~I aM vEngeAnCE~ like do you practice that in the mirror? Batman:…  - Batman: don’t sell drugs to students Drug dealer: doN’T sElL dRuGs tO stUdeNtS- please as if you didn’t need drugs to live in college  Batman:… Batman:… just… not too much Drug dealer: *scoffs* of course not dude I don’t want them overdosing we need more smart people who don’t want to kill everyone- plus if they die I lose a customer Batman:… good to know

Teenager: *walking home from school, drops books* Batman: *watching from a nearby roof* damn that sucks Teenager:... Batman: Teenager: *grumbles as they bend down to grab stuff* Batman: stay in school! Teenager: *flips him off* ~ Visitor from Metropolis: ugh omggg this city is soooo grosss! its because none of you have superman! all you have is that wannabe furry Batman! Gothamite:... *looks up and spots Batman* yeah you right Batman: fuck you! Gothamite: *grins and flips him off* Batman: *leaves* Gothamite: *beats the shit out of the Metropolian for saying something as blasphemous as that* ~ Gotham citizen: ugh i got my hair all done and no one notice- Batman: *from above* ohhh emmm GGGGG that sucksssss Citizen:.... Batman: :) Gothamite:.. no one asked you you furry black hotpocket Batman: :( ~

Cryptid Bruce is awesome

Cryptid Bruce

Martha and Thomas Wayne struggled to have a child for years and Thomas meets a shady man who tells him that a child will come to them soon

Thomas just ‘??? okaaaaaay’s him but in a week, Martha bursts into his office looking frazzled

“We’re being haunted.”

“….”

“Don’t give me that look, Thomas Wayne. The Manor. It’s haunted. Alfred! Tell him we’re being haunted!”

And Alfred comes in, also looking frazzled but to a lesser degree.

The two explain that things are moving around the Manor without any kind of explanation, but Thomas doesn’t believe them. Until he notices things in his office also being moved. The weirdest event is when they start hearing a child’s giggles. No explanation. None.

Not until Thomas, sleep deprived after going over paperwork for one too many hours, pops into the kitchen and…there is a child. Sitting on the kitchen counter.

The child, a boy, turns. Grins. Waves.

“Hi, daddy.”

—

Bruce, they name him, can melt into shadows. He finds it hilarious. Martha thinks she’s going to go grey at her young age. She adores him. Thomas adores him. He’s their son now.

The Waynes have a mysterious child, but they keep their private lives very private, so maybe they just successfully hid a pregnancy? And then a child. For…three years. They think Bruce is three, at least.

Despite how odd of a child Bruce is, they love him dearly. He’s some kind of miracle. A…very weird, possibly magical(?) miracle.

—

Dick thinks his adoptive father is strange. Extremely strange. Bruce makes absolutely no noise when he moves. He doesn’t cast shadows but he seemingly is able to *blend into them*. His smile, whilst genuine, seems a little too sharp.

He thinks he’s a vampire.

Bruce laughs so hard, he doubles over.

“No, but I am the Batman, so I guess you’re not far off.”

“…is this a joke?”

“Nope.”

“A dream?”

Bruce pinches him and Dick yelps.

Bruce doesn’t explain to Dick what he is, because he doesn’t have a clue himself. He just…is.

—

But when Jason comes along, he has a million and one questions. Bruce blinks at him.

“How did you do that? You literally *melted* into the shadows!”

Bruce shrugs.

“No. *No*. Explain.”

“I…can’t.”

“You said no secrets, B!”

Bruce puts his hands up defensively. “It’s not a secret! I really don’t know! It just…kind of happens.”

Jason stares at him. Bruce stands there. He seems to flicker? The edges of his body go a bit transparent and Dick knows he only does that when he’s stressed.

“Leave him alone, Jay. He’s telling the truth. He’s just…like that. But he’s still Bruce.”

It takes Jason two months to accept it. By then, his questions are more from genuine intrigue and wonder. He hides under Batman’s cape and somehow it’s spacious? It can even fit Dick at the same time. No one (but Bruce) can even hear them when they’re under there.

And then one day, when he goes to take a nap under Bruce’s cape, someone else is there.

“….B?”

“…”

“You know what I’m going to ask.”

“…”

“*Bruce*.”

“No real names, Robin.”

“No one can hear me!”

“…I didn’t kidnap him.”

“What his name?”

“Timothy Drake.”

“FROM DRAKE INDUSTRIES?”

And Tim wakes up, rubbing his eyes. He looks exhausted and way too skinny, and all of a sudden, Jason understands why Dick has cooed at him the first night Bruce brought him home.

“Um…hi.”

“B, we’re keeping him.”

Jason doesn’t need to see Bruce’s face to know he’s smiling.

—

Damian just…appears. Bruce suddenly understands his parents’ reactions to his first appearance because nearly the same exact thing happens. Bruce wakes up from a nap. He doesn’t need to sleep very often, something Tim finds incredibly annoying, declaring it to be *unfair*. He wakes up, and curled against his chest is…a boy. Who looks a *lot* like him.

“Uh.”

The child wakes up, blinks at him w striking green eyes.

“Hello Father.”

What the fuck.

Dick slams his way into Bruce’s office, followed by Jason and Tim, who are bickering with each other.

“DAAAAAAAD, THEY WON’T SHU- oh. Steal another kid?”

“…he just appeared.”

“That’s the excuse you used for Jason.”

“No. Literally. I fell asleep. No kid. Woke up. Kid.”

“My name is Damian.”

“That’s no fair. You came pre-named?”

Damian is as odd as Bruce. Actually, he’s weirder. And stabby. Bruce finds him *delightful*. He adores him.

—

Dick is Nightwing, Jason is Red Hood (no death, he just thought it was a cool name), Tim is Red Robin, and Damian’s Robin.

Bruce is Batman. Despite being in his late 30s, he still looks like he’s in his mid 20s.

—

Batman stands in front of a bank robber who’s going on about their evil bank robbing plans. Nightwing pops his head out from beneath Batman’s cape.

“Can you get to the point?”

Red Hood pops out next.

“I’m getting bored.”

Red Robin follows.

“This is sad.”

Damian.

“Scum.”

Batman sighs.

“Why are all of you here?”

“Missed you.”

They all chime in.

The robber.

“How…how the *fuck-?*”

“Language. There are kids around.”

“B, I’m 23.”

“Says the boy taking a nap in my cape. And I was talking about Red Robin and Robin.”

“…’s comfy.”

“I’m eighteen???”

“F- Batman! I am not a child!”

There’s some shuffling sounds, no doubt Red Hood moving over to ruffle Robin’s hair.

“Whatever you say, Tiny Demon.”

And then Red Hood shrieks.

“No stabbing your brothers, Robin.”

“He called me small!”

“…you are.”

“This is insulting, F- Batman. I will grow to be as big as you. No. *Bigger*.”

The robber watches in confusion, mild amusement, and horror.

Batman sighs.

“We’ll talk about this later. Now, you were saying? Blowing up the bank, terrorizing the people.” Batman yawns. “Anything else?”

“Just take me to Arkham. I think I’m insane.”

I'm not crying you're crying

Uncanny X-Men #6 - "The Change in Ourselves" (2024)

written by Gail Simone art by Javier Garron & Matthew Wilson

dadwave

Whenever Bruce can't do something as Batman he sends one of his kids in the cowl. Literally any of his kids. To deal with having to wear the cowl, they turn it into a game: will the justice league notice that Batman isn't the person under the mask?

Spoiler alert, they don't.

Somehow, the league never notices when it's not Bruce under the cowl, or at least that it's not the same person they all know.

Like never.

______

Hal: Hey Bats, you look taller today.

Jason, determined not to lose: hm

Hal, sensing danger and immediately backtracking: uh, that's not to say you don't usually look tall, I mean you just look taller today, um did you change your ear thingies?

Jason: *Batglare intensifies*

Hal: uh, I'm just gonna go

_______

Aquaman: you've been quiet this whole meeting, Batman, even for you.

Cass, currently wearing shoulder pads and absolutely insane platform boots: *a fim huff of breath*

Aquaman: right sorry, I forgot you were dealing with another mass break out from Arkham this week, you don't need to stay for the whole meeting. We know you probably know everything already anyway

Cass: *nods*

_____

Flash: Morning Batman. *zooms past*

Duke, absolutely befuddled:

Duke, quietly into his comm: you'd think the speedster would have the time to notice

The several batkids on the other side of the line: *laughing hysterically.*

Dick, wheezing: just do the thing where B tucks the lower half of his face into his cape like he's Dracula. You're doing great.

Bruce, from somewhere in the cave, actively giving up on the assumption that his coworkers have at least one working braincell between them: stop comparing me to Dracula, Dick

How Catwoman treats the old Robins sometimes

Catwoman: Nightwing, how's my first Robin doing? Aww, you still got that cute face. Or should I say handsome, look at that smile.

Nightwing (smiling): Aww, thank you.

Catwoman: Here you go.

Catwoman handed Nightwing fresh brownies. He took them happily. Catwoman then walked over to Red Hood.

Catwoman: Red Hood.

Red Hood (nod): Selina.

Catwoman: Are you better mentally or are you going to shoot me?

Red Hood (shrugging): Don't want to waste the bullets.

Catwoman (patting the man on the shoulder): Same bratty charm. I missed that, glad to have you back.

Catwoman walked off to head back to Batman. Red Hood looked at Nightwing eating the brownies and snatched one away.

Nightwing: Hey! You can't eat any, you have a helmet on.

Red Hood: I'm saving it for later.