Much Like Battinson Is The Opposite Of The Slutty Womanizer Socialite We Usually Think Bruce Is, My Headcanon

Harley (dieting for three days): If I don’t eat something that’s not celery… I’m going to snap.

Her eyes darted to Jason, who was savoring a cheeseburger. He chewed slowly, oblivious to Harley’s hungry gaze fixed on him. She smacked her lips staring at the burger he tried to hide his meal.

Harley: Give me that cheeseburger!

With a burst of energy, Harley pounced on Jason, knocking them both to the ground as she wrestled him for the burger while he tried to crawl away, pushing her back.

Jason: I spent a lot of money on this!

Harley: Let me have at least one bun!

Jason: Just stop dieting already! You look fine!

Artemis (sarcastically, while cleaning a gun): Oh sure, because that’s going to fix everything.

Jason: Why did you decide to diet during a mission?!

Harley (attempting to swipe the burger away): I have to go to an awards show; just let me have a bit!

Roy (while reading): Harley, you have to fight the urges.

Artemis: You should know—

Roy: Don’t finish that sentence.

Jason, being dragged away while holding the burger, pleaded for help.

Jason: Could one of you help me?!

Bizarro walked over to the scuffle, effortlessly lifting Harley as if she were a backpack and shoving Jason's burger into her mouth.

Bizarro: It’s not a veggie burger, as well.

Harley (with her mouth full): Good lookin' out, buddy.

Dinah, who somehow got roped into being the batfam counselor: And why did no one explain to Jason that the Joker was nearly killed twice by the two people he originally called family and only third party interference stopped him from permanently dying, not only giving the young man closure but also opening a line of communication???

Bruce and Dick trying very hard not to look at a bewildered Jason: It just never came up.

My concept for Al ghuls in the caped crusader would be this

Image its them first discovering the Lazarus pit and the beginning of the league of assassins he’s actually normal age because it takes place in the 40,s

When tf did THIS happen?

YOOOOO!!!! TERRIFICS!!! ZERO YEAR BATMAN!!! YEAR ONE BARRY!?!? BATMAN BEYOND!!!!! BOY THUNDER!?!? ZERO HOUR AQUAMAN!!! ABIN SUR!?!? “ WE ARE YESTERDAY” CANT COME SOONER

I need more Tim protects his family from any racist, homophobic, what not comments.

Like Tim, who is white, non-religious, and queer takes all the negative comments towards him and just steers it past him. So people comment about him a lot, because he just doesn't care and lets it happen.

But then someone comments something about the color of Damian's and Dick's skin, the scarred face of Jason, a stereotype of Cass, called Duke a thug, talked bad about Bruce being a Jew? Oh just consider your life over with.

He will publicly humiliate you. He will grill into you so hard your bones will be scorched black. He will break your company down. He will make you bankrupt. He will expose all of your secrets. Ruin your marriage. Ruin your family. Ruin your image.

Mess with Tim Wayne all you want, but if you mess with the rest of the Waynes, just expect Janet Drake's sole child, her carbon copy, Tim Drake, to appear and put your life to shambles.

It is no joke that Tim Drake is far more protective of his family than Tim Wayne is of himself.

Janet and Jack Drake's forthcoming comes in the way of Tim Drake destroying your life entirely, digging up your secrets and uprooting your company at one small discriminatory comment towards his family.

You know the “Dad, How Do I?” YouTube channel? Yeah, that, but with Red Hood, and they’re unlisted videos that Crime Alley residents share with each other.

It started with goons stealthily taking videos of Red Hood ranting about shitty drug quality that they upload under the title “Boss on drug quality control,” primarily for other goons so that anyone can tell if the supplies have been cut with something and don’t need to waste time asking Hood.

Then videos from civilians start popping up too, featuring Red Hood lecturing street kids titled things like “RH on staying warm in winter” and “RH on how not to get mugged.”

Memorably, there’s a video titled “RH on classic literature (y’all did RH go to college???? Is our crime lord a lit major???)” where Red Hood imparts upon some kids the importance of reading. After a very positive reception, the uploader goes back to Red Hood, asks about a book they’re reading for school, and gets a whole lecture on themes and whatnot. It does numbers and becomes a series, and this time Hood knows the camera exists (he’s always known they exist, he just couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge them) and actually talks to it.

(Jason will do anything to help these children, whether it’s giving them a leg up in school, giving the street kids who aren’t in school some semblance of an education, or teaching them how to shank someone trying to traffic them.)

Red Hood never uploads any videos himself, but it doesn’t matter. Crime Alley crowd sourced its own version of Khan academy and it’s better for it.

I bet the JL has a “how fucked are we” metric that’s literally just how many of Bruce’s kids are there.

Like if he pulls up to the alien invasion or whatever with just Robin, then everything’s fine. More than fine, actually, because Bruce feels comfortable enough to bring his eight year old along for the ride. This battle will take approximately fifteen minutes and they’ll all get shawarma after. Not fucked in the slightest.

But if Red Robin shows up too… hmm, okay, this is getting somewhat serious. Tim is one of Bruce’s most trusted partners; he’s the smart Robin, the tactician, the loyal one, and so if Batman brought him along then it means he’s at least a little bit worried about shit hitting the fan and wants one his advisors around. But the combined brain power of Bruce and Tim is pretty much unmatched (DC plot armor for the win), so everything will be fine, basically. Superman might take a hit, but everything’s going to be fine. Just keep calm and you’ll all make it home in time to Door Dash some Panda Express before it closes. So not that fucked.

It starts to get serious after that. When Signal and Spoiler roll up the scene, shit has definitely hit the fan. Batman’s worried enough to call in reinforcements and he’s probably doubting the League’s ability to listen/obey his orders, so he needs a backup plan in case things go really south. But with Signal’s abilities and Steph’s superpower of turning anything into a joke, chances are you’ll be okay. Maybe impaled or something, but okay. But still, fucked.

When Nightwing shows, the JL knows it’s starting to get dicey out on the field. See, Nightwing’s got his own team, his own issues—the fact that he set that all aside to help out his dad is cause for concern. On a scale from 1-10, they are at a 7. Above moderately fucked.

And… oh God. Black Bat? Most of the time the JL doesn’t even see her, but once she makes herself known and starts fighting alongside her siblings, they all start to silently freak out. Black Bat is a fucking machine and if she’s breaking a sweat trying to fight the Big Bad, things are definitely not going to go well. They start praying that Batman figures something out. They freak out. They are intrinsically fucked.

But God Forbid you catch sight of the Red Hood. The prodigal son is a legitimate killer, and if Batman’s letting him blow out brains then the JL knows he’s desperate. And a desperate Batman is not good. At all. They are definitely fucked.

jason, watching tim cook: okay so he got the cookies

jason: grinding them okay, so like, cookie dough - oh adding milk, flour- okay, okay

jason: pancakes. cool, cookie panc- why are you baking them,

jason: WHY IS HE GRINDNING THEM UP AGAI- milk, flour- WHAT

jason: bro? whyd you

jason: whyd you do that??? why did you. make a pancake and made a pancake from a pan- waht??

jason: why did you square root a pancake???

I really need more stuff on some Joker Junior angst, along with Jason finding out about Joker Junior. Even better if you wanna pull in the whole Red Hood (Joker/Jason) Attacking Robin (Jason/Tim), both times when Robin was 15 years old and was supposed to be with someone/somewhere safe.

Hmm... I agree that more content about that would be fabulous. I especially love JJ fanart (there's some really cool ones on TikTok).

Fuck it. Here we go:

TW: torture, Joker Junior, violence, blood, flashback, dissociation, derealization, hallucinating(?)

Tim hands fly to his throat in a desperate attempt to rub away the urge to giggle. He's biting his lips hard enough to bleed in order to prevent them from twisting into a panicked grin.

He's pinned to the floor by a man using one of Joker's alias.

Just like old times, eh?

A snicker slips out at that, which only seems to enrage the man in red.

"Something funny, Placeholder?" The voice modulator in the helmet does nothing to hide the clear disdain and wrath curling through Red Hood. His grip tightens over his holsters, but he doesn't pull them out quite yet. The crimson helmet just glares down at Robin.

Red, red, red. He'd look so much better in Green.

Fuck. Note to self, Tim. JJ likes Red Hood.

Robin locks his face down at this revelation to keep a calm facade. He could try to dislodge the knives holding him hostage, but not with the perpetrator towering over him like this. "Nope. My bad, Hood. Got a little distracted. Where were we?"

The crime lord takes a few steps forward until he's next to the trapped bird. Somehow, he makes even the action squatting appear menacing. "This is the part where I torture you. Where I cut off a little bird's wings so you'll never fly again. Maybe then, B will learn."

Robin watches as Hood draws another knife. The crime lord twirls the blade between his fingers and tilts his head. There's a considering glint evident in his body language.

In a sick mockery of comfort, Red Hood trails the knife down Robin's cheek. It's too close to Joker's signs of "affection" after a round of shock treatment.

Junior shudders.

The leather jacket starts to morph into a lavender lounge coat and Tim blinks rapidly to clear his vision.

A sigh of relief escapes his lips when he's able to see Red Hood again.

The crime lord pauses. He tilts his head once more. Tim can feel the gaze studying him, but he's not sure why. He can't tell if the man is genuinely curious or if he's inspecting Robin like a bug trapped in plexiglass.

When the knife leaves his skin, Tim feels his shoulders lose an inch of tension.

"Don't get too comfortable. I've got a few questions before I snap your legs."

Tim can feel a jolt of pain flash through his legs at the claim. He grimaces at the notion of months off field.

Hood leans back onto his heels, fortunately giving the younger teen some space. It doesn't seem intentional, but it's better.

"You've been Robin for two years now?"

When Tim initially refuses to acknowledge the question, Hood raises the knife. Robin sighs and gives a nod.

The man hums and brings the hilt of the knife to his chin. The weird thinking pose blares an alarm in Tim's brain, but he can't quite piece together where he's seen it before.

"About eight months ago, the clown disappeared."

Phantom feelings of electricity run through Tim's body. His muscles twitch under the memory.

Red Hood leans closer. "Where is he?"

Tim can hear -

"You know better than that, Junior. Where's the smile for your old man?"

A desperate giggle bubbles up Tim's throat.

"Come on, son. You wouldn't want to make your mother sad, would you?"

Joker leans over Tim Junior with a wicked grin. He grips a blade and gestures to Junior's lips. "Do you want your dear old Dad to teach you to smile? Again?"

Junior shakes his head frantically as trembling lips split open in a facsimile of a smile. The motion pulls at his stitches scars.

Scars?

That's not-

Junior's smile starts to fall.

Red Hood Joker crosses his arms. "What the fuck are you smiling at?"

Junior still has a smile on his face (it can't drop), but his eyebrows furrow. "Dad?"

Joker flinches back.

Amethyst cloth flickers to bronze leather and then back again. Forest green hair morphs into a cherry red helmet. Junior watches it peer behind its shoulder before Joker's face turns back to him.

"Batman isn't here."

A cackle erupts from Junior's lips and dissolves into a fit of giggles. Joker peers at Tim Junior in confused horror. The kid turns his head more towards the man. A smile stretches and pulls the corner of his lips, highlighting the faint scars.

Junior Tim hears the man take a startled breath in.

"Batsy isn't Dad. Dad-"

Tim frowns as his gaze drifts away from the man. "I killed Dad. He's dead."

He pouts exaggeratedly before Junior dissolves into a fit of giggles. "Bam!" Both of his hands point an imaginary gun Red Hood's Joker's way. "Bam! Bam!" The hands recoil back as if actually shooting the man.

Tears start to stream down Junior's Tim's face. He fights to bring his lips away from a grin.

"Fuck." He's still grining. "Fuck!"

Red Hood, the cause of all of this, is just staring at Tim. He's observing the teen try to bring himself back to sanity inch by stupid fucking inch.

Tim's eyes dart around the room. He takes a deep breath in and, on the exhale, list something he sees. "Chair. Blender. Staff. Kni-"

Several more deep breaths in and out as he ignores all the knives in the room. "Light. Jacket. Cape. Couch. Lemon. Counter."

His hands paw at his utility breath as he keeps breathing. He grasps one of the sour candies and works on opening the wrapper. He pops it into his mouth and continues the breath exercise.

Red Hood is silent as he watches Robin pull himself back into reality.

It takes several more minutes before Robin's breaths return to normal. He lays there looking at the ceiling absolutely drained and done with this whole situation.

Finally, Tim turns his gaze to the crime lord.

"Can you just kill me already or get the fuck out?"

Red Hood responds by pulling off his helmet.

Tim blinks. Sighs. Then starts up his grounding techniques again.

Superman, trying to befriend Batman: If not friend, why friend shaped?

Literally everyone else, looking at Batman's costume, designed to be menacing and incite fear: He is NOT friend shaped!!