An Illuminating Encounter

Meanwhile in the North Pole...

The mistle has gone and stubbed its toe while 3 "wise" men criticise the late late toy show Wine is mulling over his choices there in the corner Frankin isn't making lots of Sense but still getting away with myrrh-der. The music has changed this year in the Workshop The wrapping has lost its "W" and now it's gone all hip hop But the Elves are so sick of carols that they are embracing this unseasonal but totally reasonable musical "about facing". Saint Nick is busy in his office with his most important silent partner, if we were to use business vernacular to describe this unholy alliance between Father Christmas  and a shady business man named "Secular". The meeting is concerned with the fall in demand for Christmas Crackers "If the market doesn't pick up, we could easily lose our most lucrative backers!" Nick sits back in his chair remembering the good old days of sleigh bells and sleet Now he has to employ an elf to write whatever it is St. Nick is meant to Tweet "Things have changed in the North Pole", he says before an ominous pause "I think Father Time is biding himself til he makes a move on Mrs. Claus!!" "Frosty the Snowman is nowhere to be found Some Sunny boy has said he saw him go to ground after he was busted last year for some "snow" at one of his usual gigs When he was questioned by the police he gave up his dealer, the mysterious 'R. Briggs'!" Blitzen through his Christmas card writing, so Donner can begin his splurging Vixen makes the joke that as reindeer go she's hardly like the holy Virgin Comet's streaking through the place, with Dasher swift in pursuit Rudolph is a bit of brown/red noser so he's re-examining the Christmas route Dancer has four left feet so he's nervous about Cupids advances While the final reindeer is mincing around, yep, cause he's the one that prances Noel, the newest elf intern isn't feeling very festive Holly and Jolly the twins in Accounting, didn't like him being so suggestive he got in to this job on his J(olly)1 Visa But now he'd rather have post "St. Stephens day Amenisa"! Mrs. Claus just shrugs at the state of the place saying "Tis the season" While she makes a shoddy jumper for her husband in act of passive aggression "Jack Frost is a cool customer but I must remember I'm not single! And thinking about it, it's not bad at all being Mrs. Kris Kringle" Next year they'll all be more organised and I think  they'll rediscover the joys of it But til then all my well wishes can be summarised in  Nollaig Shona Duit!

A Wilde Day from the Off or an Off Day from the Wilde

As the mid afternoon Sun took its ascendancy in an otherwise grey sky Oscar Wilde staggered into a tavern. The great writer was looking the worse for wear after having put the "deca" into decadence, with ten straight nights of drunken revelry behind him, he had finally crashed and the hangover which plagued his fertile brain seemed more important right at that moment, than anything particularly earnest.

The pub was sparsely populated, an old man was sleeping, his head near a low hanging lantern and two men were laughing amongst themselves in the corner. Slumping down on the counter Oscar Wilde barked a drink order startling the bartender. This tavern worker was more accustomed to an elegant Wilde requesting a drink with no less than his customary lingual guile. This flat shout would win the great orator no fans. "You feeling alright Mr. Wilde?" the barkeep inquired, a note of quiet worry in his voice. Wilde let out an unintelligible wheeze in reply before burying his head in his palms. "What is wrong?" the barman asked, all social niceties dropping away as his concern mounted. "Today...my good barkeep. I just wish to play the game of silence. I have no insights, no pithy observation, just the black oblivion of closing my eyes to ward off the aches in my head." Just then, two customers that were off in the corner of the bar perked up upon recognising WIlde. The first man loudly posed the question to his compatriot. "It's that fella aint it? The witty writer. Tell him your story Gus" "Ha, yes. I'd love to know what an innalectual like him would say about it." They bounded over to the bowed Wilde with great enthusiasm, Jack giving him a mighty slap on the back as he neared. "Ozcar Wilde aint ya? I know a face when I see it." Wilde raised his head slightly, a disinterested look greeting the pair. "Gentleman..." Jack interrupted. "My friend here Gus, he's got a good story about the local constabulary courting one of them actors dressed as a lady. He stole from the big nosed fella, you know the one in books. Leonardo De Bergerac is it...?"

"Cyrano, " the barkeep corrected, his gaze still downward on a glass he was wiping. "Tell him the story Gus!!" "Gentleman," Wilde cleared his throat. "Let me stop you right there. I do not wish to be made aware of the wandering eye of a Policeman nor the gender confusion he suffered upon his wooing. I do not wish to hear of a crooked Judge absconding with a grey squirrel or whatever fanciful tales you wish me to comment upon. All I crave is the calm of a quiet pub and the ceasing of the the loud music in my brain. This is but a modest request for solitude." The pair were silent for a moment. Gus began, "So you see, this local officer has a flair for the ladies, well most of the time he does. But see with this..."

Wilde let out a groan.

The barman took no notice of the story and directly addressed Oscar. "But the wall my good sir". He motioned to the back wall of the bar which had much writing upon it. "I know, barkeep," Wilde replied his voice a soft rumble. "My witticisms dot that wall and have kept me in much fine ale over the seasons but today will have to pass without a sip from that fount. I am bereft of the muse. She has left me." Jack chimed in. "The muse has gone, left him for someone who a-muses her!" He left out a great chuckle at this, happy with his half stab at a quip. "Put that on you wall." "The wall isn't for quotes adjacent to Oscar Wilde! It's for quotes from the great man!" Gus replied. "Well look at him. He's in no fit state to be wise. So we're going to fill in." "Oh Posterity, how she weeps." said Wilde, his face buried in his hands once again. Gus and Jack began to look around and were mumbling. "Something hum'erus, something funny..."  "Oh! Oh! The wife, the other day was complaining about a candlestick and I says to her, I says, sometimes love you really get on my wick." There was no response from the barkeep or the writer. "Yeah, yeah," Jack continued, "But still you carry a torch for her!" They stood began beaming at their impromptu double act. "This wit stuff is easy," Jack declared. "Somewhere my good gentleman, in some crotty attic, there hang portraits of you getting progressively more irritating."

"Well sorry Ossie," Gus retorted. "We're just trying to liven up an otherwise dull day." They slumped back to their corner seats, deflated at the poor response their antics had garnered.  The barkeep leaned in. "You're going to lose your streak though. You have never darkened the doors of this establishment without spinning some words to wisdom." Wilde spoke up. "Streaks are like...windows...I mean...Comets. Streaks are...Streaks are...arrrgh". The barkeep sighed. "Well I need to put something up there." Wilde was becoming incensed."Put nothing. Put silence." Disheartened, the barkeep looked around for some ink to add something to the quotes wall. Finding only a golden yellowy ink his son had used to colour in a picture of the Sun, he took it to the wall and flatly wrote:   On this, the 15th Day of the Month October, Silence- Oscar Wilde. The barman walked back behind the bar and began busying himself.  WIlde eyed up his handiwork and muttered "Hmm, Silence is golden". There came the faint sound of the cracking of a lantern followed by a loud shriek as the sleeping old man returned to consciousness with the top of his head ablaze! A badly corked champagne bottle behind the barman slipped falling at an angle and began soaking Oscar and the barkeep. The local constabulary, who had a big enough nose himself it must be said, fell in the door of the tavern, his arms around an obviously male person dolled up to pass as a woman. They both fell to the floor. Suddenly a noise came from a less that reputable boudoir upstairs and an entire bedding structure crashed through the roof of the tavern, landing square in the room with a mighty thud. It was a local politician in bed with what seemed like, four pigs. Gus, Jack and the barman all looked at Wilde to note this unusual set of circumstances which had occurred all around them. Wilde just stared with a mouth agape, his hair getting wetter and bubblier from the still spraying champagne. Gus nudged Jack looking to the new bed in the room. "I hate it when our politicians just farm things out like that." Writers note: Obviously this is not the etymology of the famous "Silence is Golden" phrase but I like to think that even when he said nothing at all Oscar Wilde still provided plenty of gold!

Star Trek at 50

10 episodes from each of the 5 series to give an overview of 50 episodes of the franchise I love. I will also give honourable mentions and name what I consider the weakest episode (“Total Gagh”) along with 2 other sections. “Praise the Prophets” will discuss elements I think are overpraised and “Cloaked from Culture” will discuss underrated aspects.  This is by no means anything definitive. I wrote this on the fly just to celebrate TREK and invariably will be episodes I have forgotten but part of the fun is in going with gut instinct and seeing which stand out to me.  Also multi part episodes have been condensed to one pick for the sake of sanity. This gets tougher with Deep Space 9 and Enterprise which had more serialised storylines. There will be brief notes on each episode. To avoid ranking episodes I present them in season order. The Original Series Season 1 1.  “Where No Man has Gone Before”. Gary on Star Trek…

The second pilot and third episode broadcast due to TOS’ odd airing of episodes (production order vs. broadcast order is indeed a tangled tholian web of continuity) this episode sets out the Trek stall pretty early using a pet premise from Roddenberry, man being granted the power of a God. I also enjoy the rough around the edges characterisations and approach due to the fact that this was the first proper outing for a show still in flux. Lofty and a touch silly which to me is Trek in a nutshell. 2. “The Menagerie” Cagey attitudes… An irresistible premise in Spock being court martialled which eloquently manages to incorporate footage from the first Trek pilot “The Cage”. Getting to see Captain Pike (Jeffrey Hunter) in full flight alongside the mysterious Number One (franchise institution Majel Barrett) is wonderful and this is an episode that feels like it has real jeopardy. The only two parter from the Original series. 3.  “The Conscience of the King” The Play’s the King… A complex moral dilemma as Kirk stumbles across an actor who may have been a mass murderer in the past, this is an episode suffused with Shakespearean references which serves its knotty narrative well. 4. “Balance of Terror” Das Shoot… The Romulans make their first on-screen appearance in a tense spaceship battle that feels like a dry run for elements of Wrath of Khan. Buoyed by Mark Lenard’s dignified performance as the unnamed Romulan commander this is a seminal original series episode defining one of Treks great villainous races.

 5. “Space Seed”

The scrapes of wrath… An episode with a real Khan-do attitude this is a fantastic introduction to Trek’s most enduring bad guy (for better or worse) Montablan is elegant and suave and it gives us one of the show’s most ridiculous and gloriously entertaining round of fisticuffs between the Khan and Kirk, a trope wisely not repeated in the Wrath of Khan. 6. The City on the Edge of Forever Keeling over… Trek sometimes struggles with convincing romances but here in the relative short timeframe of a single episode Kirk contemplates altering time forever for the love of a good woman. There’s a lived in feeling to the episode that adds to its genuine pathos. Stone cold classic, with a Keeler of an ending. Season 2 7. Amok Time. Some Vulcan sulkin’…

Pon Farr and that music would be enough but as someone who loves Vulcans this episode was a treat for exploring that race’s culture. It was a confident opener to the second series of the show and an instant classic. This was the episode I watched the night I heard Leonard Nimoy had died and it’s a great tribute. 8. Mirror, Mirror The Terran-able twos… The ubiquity of the goatee (a great statement) across pop culture may blunt its impact but Trek’s first trip to the Mirror universe retains its core themes of hopeful optimism. This episode has become a touchstone for a whole genre of dystopian alternate timelines and is meaty enough to still be provocative. 9. The Trouble with Tribbles

Cyrano Jonesin’… An absolute romp and again its iconic nature and subsequent re-visit via a future episode might take the shine off the original but this is just fun stuff, a silly adventure story for our gang where most of the characters get some interesting roles to play. Sadly, the show didn’t always dish things out quite like that. Season 3 10. Day of the Dove Do the Kang Kang…

Energy beings were always toying with the Enterprise and Klingons were a constant looming threat so this episode combines the two to great effect. Klingons are given some much needed shading and Michael Ansara’s performance as Kang is one for the ages. Honourable Mentions: Let that be your Last Battlefield: Heavy handed but iconic with its images and Frank Gorshin is a treasure. Arena: Gorn addiction. Total Gagh: The Way to Eden: Space Hippies. *Sigh* Praise the Prophets: Some of the much trumpeted social commentary feels a bit overemphasised. There’s no denying Star Trek tackled themes and allegory but it was often a very silly show that was just plain wacky. Nothing wrong with that at all! I sometimes think people overpraise the shows soapbox elements to the detriment of its goofier side. Cloaked from Culture: TOS is a pop culture artefact and has been very much pored over but an element that is overlooked is the crew outside the Kirk/ Spock/ McCoy trinity. While some are quite underwritten there is a solid support there from the secondary characters and a recurring roster with Yeoman Rand, Christine Chapel et al. Comments: Season 1 gets the most love. The Next Generation Season 2: 1. The Measure of a Man Soong-rise of the machines… No surprises here, TNG’s first classic and still one of the most beloved instalments. Despite being a somewhat wobbly premise in theory (all this stuff with Data’s rights as a being surely would have come up as he was entering Star Fleet) this is still powerful material and features the best characterisation of Picard up to that point. The measured Picard of the halcyon days of TNG took time to develop. I still believe he is a cranky weirdo in the first two seasons of the show but this was the episode that really began to create my favourite Trek Captain. Peerless. Season 3: 2. Deja Q The real Suddenly Human… A funny episode that evolves Q’s character and gives him some of his best lines. There is a long held belief between my brother and I that the crew constantly misunderstand Q. He is always met with suspicion that he is lying but never really has. He’s so powerful he has no reason for subterfuge. He put humanity on trial. He granted Riker powers. He lost his own abilities here. Picard was responsible for the destruction of humanity. The list goes on and on and I always find it funny that once per Q episode a character will say something along the lines of “But what’s he really up to? Or what isn’t he telling us?” Nothing you fools, he’s mischievous but straight up! Anyway a great episode that ends with Data laughing. Sublime. 3. Yesterday’s Enterprise. I Enterprise C what you did there… Taut, thrilling, complex and finally something for Tasha Yar to do two seasons after she died. A glimpse into the tough war like show Star Trek could have been (and perhaps flirted with in DS9) this is a famously thrown together episode, various drafts and writers coming together to make it work so the fact that it’s a classic is a miracle. All the better for being a done in one. 4. Best of Both Worlds

FIRE on the Bridge…

I can’t add anything to this that hasn’t entered the public consciousness already. Locutus of Borg, that doomsday choir, the cube, resistan…well it’s futile to quote. TNG was a wolf 359 in sheep’s clothing all this time! Season 4/ Season 5 5. Redemption That’s no way to Gowron an empire… A personal favourite which has political intrigue causing schisms in the Klingon empire. Introduces Gowron (played by Robert O’Reilly the most unblinking of actors I have ever seen) and ties into several episodes of Worf’s personal arc as well as Yesterday’s Enterprise. Masterful. Season 5 6. Darmok The language warrior… The episode that created a meme and a thoughtful exploration of cultural differences. I’m not sure the logic of an entire language based on metaphors is particularly sound but as an allegory and an episode it’s so well-crafted that to complain would be churlish. Shaka, when the walls fell. 7. The Inner Light Time flutes when you’re having fun… I mentioned earlier about the slow process of Picard settling as a character but this episode gives Patrick Stewart the best work he’s done as Picard lives out an entire life in less than a half an hour. The script really sells the idea of a life lived and despite it having that studio bound feeling of many Trek planet and civilisations this world feels more authentic than normal. Season 6

8. Tapestry Taking my Q from this… An insight into Picard’s past and an ambiguous treatise on his relationship with Q this episode’s conceit is brilliantly sustained giving a Quantum Leap-esque shot for Picard to right the wrongs of his past. The dull dreary present he finds himself in is quietly devastating in its way and total contrasts for how timelines are usually altered for the apocalyptic. Seeing Picard as such an uninspired non-entity is truly depressing.

 Season 7 9. The Pegasus Riker taken down a peg or two… This might surprise people but I just really love this episode. A great guest turn from Terry O’Quinn and it examines some disconnects from Riker’s character in which he can oscillate from fun loving rogue to oddly stoic stick in the mud. This episode provides a rationale for an officer who found blindly following duty could lead to questionable decisions and tough choices. Also the Enterprise gets to cloak! 10. All Good Things Picard’s picking the cards… Arguably my favourite episode of all Star Trek, the episode is a celebration of a great tv show. With Generations on the horizon the episode didn’t have to round off the characters’ lives, something that can hobble tv show finales. Instead this just acts as a great send off, touching on aspects of the show from the beginning and going full circle with that very first arc. It really feels like the stakes are universally big and even if the time travel is wishy washy and the central problem more cerebral that some would like the episode is warm and funny and again lofty in scope. An episode of ideas and a perfect send off before these characters went to the big screen. Honourable Mentions: The Drumhead: I just really like this one. McCarthyism in the 24h century. Who Watches the Watchers: Prime example of the Prime directive and its complexity. Total Gagh: Shades of Gray: Poorly conceived clip show, a by-product of a writer’s strike but even so an absolute mess. (Sub Rosa must also be mentioned). Praise the Prophets: I think the general consensus of TNG is pretty right on the money, wobbly start that blossomed into a powerhouse of a show. The 6th season is curiously overpraised by some including Brent Spiner and Ronald D. Moore. I mean it’s all subjective but I don’t think the 6th season is massively different quality wise from the seasons around it. Certainly not enough to be noted but each to their own. Cloaked from Culture: An episode like “In Theory” that falls between the cracks of seasons. A smart and thoughtful episode that is maybe too soft for much of fandom. Comments: Picard dominates these picks and is still my favourite Captain. Season 3 gets the most love. Deep Space 9 Season 1 1. Duet Bajor character development… A tense two hander that deepens Kira’s character and has a stunning guest turn from Harris Yulin this is a twisty slow burner that shows the multi-dimensional facets of an enemy and the regrets that conflicts can bring. Easily the best episode of the shows somewhat middling first season.

Season 2

2. Necessary Evil Columbo in Cardassian limbo… An episode about Odo as fluid as a shapeshifter changing forms and the format is just as malleable as film noir bleeds into the more recognisable elements. Showing life before the Cardassians left this is a tough episode that refreshingly doesn’t pull its punches. 3. The Jem’ Hadar An absolute Jem of an episode…

I’m using this episode to stand in for the Dominion conflict starting. This is a pacy chapter that sets up the series’ newest villains and also allows Quark to win back some ground for Ferengi pride. Season 3 4. Improbable Cause/ The Die is Cast Shiar madness… The first episode is pitch perfect crime story but then it becomes an all-out galactic invasion narrative but never loses sight of its main aim, to probe the depths of DS9’s best supporting character, the ever elusive and inscrutable Garak. Season 4 (possibly my favourite all-round season of any Star Trek show)

 5. The Way of the Warrior Mogh-li’s road…

Serving as an introduction to Worf coming on board and also pitting the Federation against the Klingons once more, this is a barnstorming tale of bat’leths and broken promises. An absolute highpoint of DS9. 6. The Visitor Jakes-speare… An episode that deals with familial love in that sort of big hearted way usually only afforded to weepy romance stories this is Trek’s love of technobabble funnelled into a properly affecting story that uses an arresting framing device to make its ultimate point on the limitless possibilities of family and time.

7. Our Man Bashir

All fun and James…

This is here because of pure fun. The best holodeck gone wrong story this perfect parody of James Bond films is both affectionate and critical, offering the harsh realities of the spy game through cynical Garak but maintaining its wide eyed idealism and roguish heart through the fantasies of Bashir. The ending is quite subversive on the topic of saving the world and is a sort of ghoulish kiss off of her Majesty’s finest agent. Season 5 8. Trials and Tribble-lations Can I Kirk or can’t I?... Star Trek throws its own best birthday party, a day of the dove-tail between classic trek and the so called black sheep of the franchise. Superb effects work and such a loving tone mix to perfect effect. People may quibble (does a tribble ever quibble) with some liberties but if you can’t have fun with an episode like this I suggest you may be a Klingon pretending to be a human! 9. A Call to Arms DS9 no more, back to Terok Nor… The war begins as the season ends and this kicks off one of the best things the show ever did, it’s serialised arc about Dukat re-taking the station. This episode feels momentous in that things are really happening and there’s an uncertainty over everyone fate. Seeing the Defiant join a huge armada at the episode’s end is beautiful grace note to leave the 5th season on.

Season 6

10. In the Pale Moonlight Holo-victories… I’m not someone who believes darker is better but this is easily the darkest episode of the entire franchise and it is riveting. Sisko almost breaks the fourth wall as he details the lengths he will go to win the war and the allies he will enlist. It also created a meme in Senator Vreenak and even as a kid found that scene and delivery overripe. I kept thinking to myself is that the best take they had?? Honourable Mentions:   Far Beyond the Stars: I’ll get in trouble for not including this in the main list but parsing Deep Space Nine is hard. A superb episode that I almost put in instead of A Call to Arms but wanted to represent the war arc of the show. This has interesting things to say about humanity’s past and the origins of sci-fi like Star Trek but, and this will be heresy to most but I find Benny’s breakdown at the end quite overacted and that has always slightly spoiled the effect for me. Otherwise a classic. Inquisition: Kafka-esque themes and the first appearance of Section 31 Total Gagh: Profit and Lace: Too wacky and too tacky and underserves some great character like Zek. (for people who would think Let He Who is Without Sin should be here, close call but the shallow part of me forgives that episode a lot due to the scene of Jadzia Dax in her bathing suit. It’s still a Trill to this day.) Praise the Prophets: While DS9 did have pay offs and serialisation I sometimes think it’s overstated. Characters grew but certain things occur that are never mentioned again and if they happened in other Trek shows they’d be highlighted. A few examples: Hard Time: O’Brien lives out years in jail. After the episode never seems traumatised about it ever again. Children of Time: A future version of Odo makes a very questionable decision. Never discussed. Necessary Evil: A secret revealed about Kira. Never mentioned again. Sacrifice of Angels: Damar kills Ziyal. Not dealt with again. Don’t get me wrong. Deep Space 9 is my favourite but I do think there was a mild reset button people overlook. Cloaked from Culture: The humour. Always seen as the dour stepchild, Deep Space 9 has some of the best jokes and most likeable characters in the franchise. Comments: No overriding character dominates the mix here, speaking to the all-round strong characterisation of DS9. Season 4 gets the most love. Voyager 1. Caretaker Delta a bad hand… I really like the opening episode of the series and the promise that lay ahead. Sure the Maquis become as interchangeable as any Star Fleet crew but here the tension is real and the stakes high as the ship is sent to the other side of the galaxy. Knowing the show couldn’t rely on familiar races and would have to create a plethora of new aliens was exciting and fresh and the episode crackles along nicely. 2. Eye of the Needle Alpha Mail…

First absolute classic and one tied into the shows premise. The first “Will they get home?” episode and one of the best. This feels like a Star Trek Tales of the Unexpected set up with a properly great ending. Season 2 3. Death Wish The No Quinn situation…

Trek at its best deals with large questions and uses a sci-fi prism to examine them. The downsides of immortality and the stagnation of a society is ripe for discussion and that’s what a lot of “Death Wish” is, big conversation on cosmic themes. It has a very silly Riker cameo but at least that continued Jonathan Frakes ubiquity across the franchise. If we create time travel let’s give him a TOS appearance but a better written one than his popping up in Enterprise! 4. Tuvix Between a Tuvok and a hard place… A silly premise that turned into one of the most affecting episodes. A transporter accident merges Tuvok and Neelix into a brand new being but when the Doctor figures out how to undo the damage it throws up a huge moral quandary. The performances are exemplary and Tuvix is a likeable enough character that you don’t want him to just be done away with so quickly.

Season 3/ 4 5. Scorpion

Hive-way to Hell…

Voyager meets the Borg and it doesn’t disappoint. A moral dilemma well executed, the first appearance of Seven of Nine and one of the best cliff-hangers Trek ever gave us. Clearly it was their attempt at a Best of Both Worlds but crucially it doesn’t feel derivative. 6. Living Witness Doctoring History…

A rare episode that features no regular characters, save a hugely contrived version of the Doctor as a backup version of the hologram this is look at re-written history and how distorted facts keep certain conflicts alive. There is also a voyeuristic pleasure in seeing hologram versions of Voyagers crew acting so out of character and just how many facts one could get wrong about the past. Is that a Kazon on the conn?

Season 5

7. Timeless Kim chances of survival…

Voyagers 100th episode and a rare chance for Kim to get some meaty stuff. Future Kim is a bit too hard-bitten and gritty for my tastes but the show has temporal fun and Voyager crashing onto an ice planet is a spectacular set piece. 8. Latent Image

When the Doctor goes feedback loopy… An engaging mystery, stellar character work for the Doctor and a very curious off brand ending that favours simple debate and philosophy over final act peril this is an unsung masterpiece of paranoia and tough ethical decisions.

9. Someone to watch over me

Courting disaster…

A light and human episode with a lot of natural humour The Doctor attempts to teach Seven how to date and the episode has a ball with it. It even side steps some clichéd moments you think the show will employ but instead is like Voyagers’ “In Theory”. Overlooked and severely underrated.

Season 6 10. Blink of an Eye

You have to Planet ahead…

One of my absolute favourites due to its high concept of Voyager becoming embroiled in the culture of a planet where times moves faster. The script takes its time and makes the planet feel real and rich in detail. The set up itself lends itself to a lot of pathos and is simply one of the best proper “hard” sci-fi stories the series told.

 Honourable Mentions: Message in a Bottle: Fun and hijinks that also moves the overall arc of the show forward. Night: A scary and unsettling look into how long term space travel could have an adverse effect on mental health. The main set piece in which the ship loses power in a dark void is perfect and it also introduced the Captain Proton  Total Gagh: Threshold: No surprise here. An abomination of an episode and best forgotten. It warped our perceptions of the show.

Praise the Prophets: Dragons Teeth was always weirdly overpraised to me. It’s a fine episode but I never would clamour for the Vaadwuar to return but considering Voyager was often overly criticised, I should be glad this episode took hold as much as it did.

Cloaked from Culture: The relationship of Tom Paris and B’Elanna felt natural and well written for a series that often stumbles when tackling love stories. It is an overlooked component of something Voyager did very well.

Comments: Most episodes I love seem to favour the Doctor and why shouldn’t they? Season 5 gets the most love.

Enterprise Season 1 1. Broken Bow

Prequel rights for all concerned…

An action packed opening that throws tensions between Vulcans and humans, conflicts with Klingons and temporal Cold War and is a fun introduction to the characters and set up. The Suliban are visually imaginative and there’s a sense of adventure throughout. As pilots go this is stellar stuff.

2. The Andorian Incident One small step for Shrankind… A nicely judged tale of intrigue that gives us our first look at Shran and deepens the Andorian culture but does continue the shows worrying trend of throwing the Vulcans under the bus (out the airlock?). 3. Dear Doctor State of Phlox…

Phlox was an underutilized character and this is one of his finest hours. A proper moral dilemma again in the vein of Tuvix or an episode like that. Enterprise has its fair share of detractors but crew conflict was definitely one of its strengths. Season 2 4. Future Tense Timing is everything… Enterprise also excelled in action and this is a glorious stand-off between various factions trying to capture a time ship. I wasn’t against the temporal cold war arc as much as others were. It definitely hampered the show at the beginning and should have been teased out slower if it was to be done at all but this is a nice standalone time story that deftly touches upon the arc. 5. Regeneration First Second Contact… Temporal Investigations would frown on this episode that shows Archer tackling the Borg but the Borg continuity has always been askew. This is as close to horror as Enterprise got (minus some Zombie like Vulcans in another episode) and there’s a nice Cronenbergian shiver to the proceedings here. Another good episode from Season 2 of Enterprise which I consider one of the worst seasons of any Trek show. It bounced back with its next two years though.

Season 3

6. Twilight

Time’s Archer… Much like Children of Time this gives us an alternate future tinged with tragedy while also playing on an ill Archer. The relationship with T’Pol is handled sensitively and while we only get hints of the new status quo the episode does a good job of feeling satisfying even if it’s clear a giant re-set button is going to be pressed any nanosecond now…

7. Similitude

A Trippy outing… Manny Coto’s first script and is a perfect example of what Trek does well. A new version of Trip is created when the original is near death but surely this new version has his own rights. No simple answers are given and it stands as a modern classic overlooked in the chorus of Enterprise criticisms.

Season 4 8. Borderland/ Cold Station 12/ The Augments Soong-ing your praises… Arik Soong with a team of Augments in a commandeered Bird of Prey warping through space, do I even have to explain why this 3 parter is so good? It has a lot of conflict, great action and an edge often lacking in the show. There’s a body count and an escalation of the threat that feels legitimately dangerous. Packaged together it would have made a great film. 9. In A Mirror Darkly Defiant-ly different… Unusual in that it takes place entirely in the Mirror universe this is Trek taking a holiday or indulging in its own cosplay. It’s fun seeing the slightly bland (and hey I’m an Enterprise apologist!) crew getting to have fun and loosen up. It’s a trashy camp outing that I wouldn’t want every week but fun for a week or two. 10. Terra Nova/ Demons All’s Weller that ends Weller… The true ending to Enterprise (it’s much maligned last episode tactfully described as a coda by showrunner Manny Coto) this episode deals with xenophobia in a way that illustrates that the humans of Enterprise are now quite the angels of previous Roddenberry helmed shows. Peter Weller is a marvellous antagonist and again the show asks hard questions while still retaining a sense of danger and action. Honourable Mentions:   Dead Stop: Old fashioned romp with a nice mystery and great designs. Zero Hour: I’m a big fan of the Xindi arc and picked the finale to represent the whole thing. Taking the show serialised and making it a bit darker to comment on the world Post 9-11 gave the show a relevance and an edge and course corrected the entire series. I liked the Xindi as a race and I also enjoyed the ticking clock element. The finale has a few off notes but largely succeeds and did lead in nicely to the strongest season of the show.

Total Gagh: These are the Voyages…:Yep, as bad as they say, a clunky valentine to the show that undermines Enterprise and serves to give a nod to Riker’s appearance across the entire body of work. Also it poorly serves The Pegasus an episode I previously mentioned as a favourite. Berman and Braga regret it now and like Threshold would be an episode I would gladly erase from canon.

Praise the Prophets:  The re-creation of the Trinity with Archer/ T’Pol/ Trip. This was a nice nod to TOS but badly affected the other characters and made some of them barely more than ciphers. A missed opportunity. Cloaked from Culture: Scott Bakula as Archer. The character changed and deepened and Bakula is a charming lead. He was saddled with some baffling characterisation early on but he is the unsung Captain of the franchise. Comments: I like Enterprise a lot but will admit that creator fatigue had set in by this stage and after 600 hours how could it have not?  Season 4 gets the most love.

  Honourable mention for Star Trek the Animated Series: Yesteryear No Spock left unturned… The best animated episode and one so beloved that during the period it was deemed not canon, writers from other series would sneak in references. As this is long enough already. Capsule overview of the films. TOS films The Motion Picture- Ponderous and slow but ambitious and oddly compelling. It’s not for everyone but there’s something there amongst the drawn out peril. Wrath of Khan- Stone cold classic that has proper themes and tense battles. Kirks final line “I feel young” is Shatner’s greatest moment in my opinion. Search for Spock- Silly but very Star Treky this is a comfort movie for me. The reunion scene at the end when Spock asks “The ship? Out of danger?” gets me every time.

The Voyage Home- Glorious and totally off model and all the better for it. Fish out of water comedy meets Whales out of time hijinks!

The Final Frontier- This isn’t a particularly well made film BUT I think its underrated. The characters are bang on, Kirk standing up to “God” is Trek at its most iconic and the reveal from McCoy’s past is heart-breaking. More good stuff in it than people think. The Undiscovered Country- A favourite of mine. Compelling mystery, topical politics and an old Vulcan proverb, “Only Nixon could go to China”. TNG films

Generations-

A muddled but not joyless outing. Sure Kirks death is a damp squib and an unforgivable gag (bridge on the Captain) but its analysis of time and grief is interesting.

First Contact-

There’s a been a bit of weird retroactive bashing of this film but I say thee nay. Great action, fun conceits and a properly threatening Borg presence pre- their de-fanging on Voyager.

Insurrection-

Underrated and in the absolute spirit of Roddenberry. Sure it may feel like an extended episode but I don’t think a film would stop so much to have that Dougherty/ Picard argument which I love and it has a sunny disposition which was a nice palette cleanser after First Contact.

Nemesis-

A mess. Wrath of Khan minus the depth.  It played up its duality theme in a far too heavy handed way and the characters seemed off. “The victory of the echo over the voice” was always a line I liked however.

Kelvin Timeline films

Star Trek ’09-

Dumb fun and a much needed adrenaline boost for the series. There are niggles but I still think it has flair and its origin structure papers over some cracks.

Into Darkness-

The foundation weakens in this po faced misfire. Anything interesting is automatically undermined and most of it is a re-hash of Star Trek 2 with no subtlety.

Beyond-

Very good but in my opinion not great return to form that I think needed some more polishing but in general a good outing that re-sets the table going ahead. Nice to see proper exploration again and that is very much in the spirit of Star Trek.

Arriving at "Conclusions"

And the cowboy, knowing he could never return to the town he had just saved sauntered off into the picturesque sunset, the darkening sky overhead looking like a candle dying out, it's orange coat stuck in perpetual shadow. His cowboy hatted silhouette became smaller and smaller as his story ended... Stirrup Trouble Sam reached the Sunset wall and swiftly found the door handle. Opening the door on the Sun, he stepped outside his story. It had been a long day and he was all narratived out. But he was looking forward to the after party drink. For the longest time as he reached the end of each chapter, or scene in the movie adaptation he had chanced him arm getting into that exclusive club. Each time however he was turned away. "If you aint winding down, you don't get in." The Bouncer would bark at him. "This establishment is for a certain final-tele." The 'Conclusions Lounge' was the hottest ticket in town and getting inside was about as hard as lassoing a rain cloud. However Sam had earned his free pass and he was legitimately a resolved character now. Endings are tough on everyone and having a nice place to go for the aftermath was a great source of solace for any character. The Bouncer eyed him but knowing he had finally made the list, he stepped aside pointedly. "Appreciated pardner," the poorly written archetype said tipping on his hat as he walked past. Inside the bar was quite crowded, it was Summer which meant a lot of TV shows were ending and movies were being watched. The Summer reading folk had a good few months to look forward to and wouldn't be darkening these doors for a while yet. People were buzzing around and telling each other the stories of how they ended up here. "Well I have to admit it, " a random man pontificated loudly nearby, "I wasn't sure about my particular storyline ending but it seemed to be very popular and i was so tired anyway, I just said, 'Bring it on!!'I'm thirsty!" The woman next to him responded. "Well at least you had a clear ending. I just dropped out of the story. I know I was a bit part but if they had given me one line indicating my life had continued...Well it would have been work anyway." Sam leaned against the bar and took a look at the drinks menu. He wasn't much of a drinker, all those saloon scenes were a misnomer but a few of the cocktails looked appealing.  "Give me an "Abrupt Stop." "That's not a drink Sir. That's when we cut people off. We had to introduce it after materials started having those multiple endings. Lord of the Rings had a lot to answer for." "Emm..ok then, " Sam pondered. "An 'Up in the Air' then?" "Excellent choice. You never know what you're getting!" Sam was a loner by nature and narrative and so he continued to eavesdrop on the people around instead of engaging with anyone. A soldier was talking to an Alien. "'Conclusions' is so much better than that last place we used to get dropped off at .Remember "Finishing Touches?" That place was always falling apart!" The Alien replied,"Have you heard? It's become a wrap-dancing club now." The solider just shook his head in disbelief. Another man who was standing next to them but wasn't involved in the conversation piped up. "Uhhh...do they provide...um...like...happy endings?" The Solider and the Alien just turned away. A sassy 20 -something year old female protagonist was giving directions to a friend of hers on a contemporary mobile phone. "I'm at the club. Where are you? You're where? Midsection Point? Jesus, that's ages away! You need to follow the arc along the coast and take a left at the Narrative Dead End and you should be able to see this place. It's a light at the end of a tunnel. No don't worry about it! I want you to experience a brand new culmi-nation. I'm just sorry I couldn't pick you up at the Foreword!" The bar man leaned into the cowboy. "Ah listen man, how are you going to pay for that drink? Have you prepared for every eventuality here?" Sam was quick to reply. "Oh don't worry, I have enough. I had a great payoff!" He did wonder where all his co-stars had gone to. Probably a private house party somewhere in the Third Act district. It didn't matter. Being surrounded by those people wouldn't have helped him come to terms with his big ending. Sam was a smart man. This wasn't just the end of his story. He had long felt the Western was running on empty as a genre. His sunset would be the last sunset for a while. 

Hours passed and he drank a lot of different concoctions. Outcome Rum, Sting in the tale, Anything with a Twist but the night was winding down. He looked around at all the various supporting casts, the backstory bunch and the tale-ing offs. He slumped his head onto the bar and began to drift off. Waking up a little while later he realised he had to go to the restroom. Staggering, his stirrups scraping across the floor he made his way from the bar. It was then he heard the barman on the phone in the backroom having a loud argument. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME. I'M FINISHED!...NO I DON'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT YOU ARROGANT PRICK! I mean if you go through with this deal, this establishment will be gone. And we got a good thing going here. All stories end and we have a reputation for being the best. I mean Penultimates will always be second best. I can't go back to my old job there!" Sam was saddened for the bar-man but also felt expired by what he had heard. He quickly left the bar and began the long walk into posterity.  **************************************************************************************** Conclusions quickly went into for closure. Lots of other venues vied for their business but Endings became quiet affairs. It became the norm for the gatherings to take place in a characters house or for people to spend time with friends and family somewhere special and private. On his first day the conflicted and flawed character stepped out of his story to get some air. He noticed a new building with an enticing sign. "Opening Soon". He couldn't tell if that was a sign or indeed, a bar name.

Pre-Nups and the Pope- A Poem for Exit Strategy

A little while ago the talented duo Leah Hearne and Eszter Nemethi asked me to contribute a poem to their excellent genre-straddling piece of work entitled "Exit Strategy". It deals with the theme of people having escape plans from situations and aspects of their lives.  Given the title "Pre-Nups and the Pope" and a loose idea of what the play was about I went to create something flippant and word play heavy. I tried to structure it a little like a song, even though I know that some of the phrasing would make that next to impossible but it's why I added a  "chorus" of sorts and a "bridge part"! It was also to see if I could find enough rhymes for "Pre-nups". The poem, alas, did not make the play but I'm proud enough of it, so I present it here instead.

While some people like to see how things will play out, Others even at beginnings always have  a way out, Despite a strong mind or any designations, People are resigned to their many resignations People will risk some damaged cred to escape from this, their marriage bed

But when it comes to leaving others get on their box of soap We all live in a world of half filled cups and those who mope a world of pre-nups and the Pope. You think half way through surgery the Doctor skips out? Or that a sea captain is in a hurry to leave his vessel once it ships out? It is a truism to sing that a winner would never quit Truer wisdom is something to which you must fully commit If people are ready to try and opt out Couldn't that be just nothing more than a cop out?

But when it comes to an exit some people just say "Well nope", We all live in a world of hang ups and those who can't cope a world of pre nups and the Pope.

When you make a promise you stick with it to the bitter end, If you're honest you shouldn't be quick with it to run out my friend Despite a Holy and divine Edict He was still able to resign that Benedict You think if Jesus had said "Anyone instead of me!" He would have been waiting around in the Garden of Gethsemane!

Of the human condition this is but a recurring trope Everything is a potential prison and we all look beyond our scope to see whats what's up in this kaleidoscope in this world of pre nups and the Pope

(Bridge part)

Following a Crowd, before ducking out A situation that is probably sucking out your time and your very own space When you were a kid, did you ever leave a race?

There should always been a safety net But bravery usually means "not safe yet" You're turning your back on faith, well that's just atheism You're running out on your country, where's your patriotism? It doesn't matter if you're a fool or a prodigy Everyone is after their very own exit stratey.

And we all in our various ways go through this type of thing in these precarious days We all walk the tightrope Don't look down at the sheer drops or the steep slope Oh dear, the pre nups and the Pope! Authors Note: Exit Strategy have set up a fundit to take their production to Dublin. Support it if you can here: http://www.fundit.ie/project/exit-strategy-to-dublin-fringe-festival

Review: The Stone Roses: Made of Stone (dir Shane Meadows) - Noise

Review of Shane Meadows' film The Stone Roses: Made of Stone.

A piece I wrote for wearenoise.com on the Shane Meadows music documentary Made of Stone.

Chatter

a clipped message

man to boy

and back again

im not sure

if i even want to touch you

but i ll know again

tonight when the chatter

dies down

and im helped by the forces

and cogs of age

in the drawn out years

ive avoided the answer

some twisted leg chairs

and the onset of winter

Tweeting Action Films With Respect

I don't understand Twitter.  Well I understand how it works and the purpose it serves but I guess I find it hard to utilize it or get too swept up in it.  Thinking about it as a new phenomenon, here are a few classic Action film characters if they had been tweeting about their famous adventures. Die Hard- John McClane  @yippeekiyayroyrogers

You could say I had a pretty "Hans on" weekend. My wife took me back but only after some serious bloodletting on both our parts. #sockittomeplaza Terminator- Sarah Connor @skynetsucks Met a great man but unlike my usual type, the no hopers who have no future, this guy was the only hope from the future. Why are the all the good ones from an alternate timeline?  FML. #judgementdaze The Matrix- Neo @theone55 Stressful few days. Had a lot of trouble with my Agent. Face Off- Sean Archer @wooingdoves I'm glad I have my original face back..but man Castor Troy had some good cheekbones.  Predator- Major Alan Schaefer (Arnie) @notpredator2

Never going back into the jungle again. The mosquitoes are murder. Met an...out of towner. We had words. #wtfwasthatthing?

Kill Bill- The Bride @bridalpower I know, I know. Volume 2 kind of sucked. And Bill was totally wrong about Superman #buddandellesdeathsaresodisappointing Aliens- Ripley @ripleybelieveitornot @alienqueen4realz  @Newt says hi! I hope there's no hard feelings about that whole blasting you into space thing. #INSPACENOONECANHEARYOUTWEET

Half Past Danger, Long Past time

Half Past Danger Issue #1 - Review by Emmet O'Brien Torn from every cliffhanger comic strip, blessed with the same breathless energy as a matinee serial and full of dynamic energy, Stephen Mooney's Half Past Danger is an absolute delight and easily one of the most fun comics being put out at the moment. It's the province of pulp to throw element after element at you and for any thrill seeking heart a comic that packs in retro hi-jinx, femme fatales and "War is (Prehistoric) Hell" asides will charm a particular sort of reader. Comics can be so dour and psychological these days, deconstructing but not celebrating. Now I must admit, my own particular sensibilities run alongside this tonal tornado as a kid weaned on, Indiana Jones, Tintin, The Phantom, Ka-Zar, Doc Savage and their ilk and despite a resolutely Irish hero in HPD's Tommy Flynn the DNA is easy to isolate as being of a very American flavoured action story. It's the Irish aspect that adds a little extra spice to this brew of disparate action tropes. The story of an Army Squad coming face to face with dinosaurs while on patrol on an isolated Japanese Island, the book is fast paced and dangerous, a tricky thing to establish legitimate peril  while having a tongue very much in its cheek but it succeeds with roguish aplomb. If anything almost too much happens, Flynn finds himself traumatised after the Jurassic jaunt and is drowning his sorrows in New York when he is approached by two mysterious British military types, one being a Steve Rogers-esque bruiser while the other is an alluring dame. Pitched at a hyper real level with Mooney's art at its current apex (we can only imagine the more settled he becomes in this world, the even more vibrant the art will become) this is the sort of comic I have been waiting for, for a very long time. Beautifully punched up with Jordie Bellaire's superlative colouring skills, further adding a timeless old world sheen, one can get lost in the tones and textures of the mad-cap world Flynn has to navigate through. With just enough intrigue to hook but not overwhelm and spectacle aplenty, this is derring-do, daringly done right. Keep up to date with Half Past Danger and the talented Stephen Mooney through his site. http://www.halfpastdanger.com/

All-Seeing

An evening mask or a pretty

pattern drawn

on the sky of your back

ready for nights waiting hand

the skeletal bottles collect

on the porch

ready for the warm house invite

and the patter of the confident booms strong

I can not wait til the calm

when all the violence is gone

but the walls as thin as whispers

and it reaches the sleeping mind

the inquisitive part

the seas are receding

faster than the beaches are formed.

We are still all the way put together

the slip of years warming the bones of youth

the body is a temple, on a Holy River

and no one descends from the mountains

to hear my truth

when the figures brush against me

and the naked boast they are all seeing

I can not remember for my life, anything

past the point of my own body, that the

light is now catching.