Blue And Yellow Are Such Gay Colors To Me

Honestly I’m glad Alex Hirsch waited to give us the billford divorce dynamic. I don’t think we deserved it in 2016

Can't stop thinking about the world's first ethical incel

La letra con amor, entra. (via)

So I’ve been playing a lot of skyrim lately, because it’s video game comfort food, and I decided it was time for my Redguard Dovahkiin to settle down. (Actually I specifically just wanted to be able to adopt some of the random orphans you meet because I felt guilty about them, but you need to be married before you can do that so that there’s someone at home to take care of the kids while you’re off galivanting).

So I travelled around a bit, chatting up likely looking npcs until I found one I both liked and didn’t feel guilty about marrying (I feel bad if I marry one of the warrior adventurer types, making them be a stay at home mum) and settled on an obnoxiously cheerful argonian called Shavee because her life was frankly shit, and I thought she’d probably be good with kids.

So off I go to Riften to the Temple of Mara to arrange the wedding. I book it in for the next day, realise I didn’t bring anything nice to wear, and spend the night before the wedding robbing every house in the city in the search for something to wear. Eventually decide everyone in Riften has terrible fashion sense and break down everything I stole into raw materials and use them to craft myself an outfit and some jewellery that i’m pretty happy with. I even carefully pick out my fanciest looking sword to wear.

(don’t know why I bothered, frankly, shavee turned up wearing a shirt covered in suspicious stains and weilding a pickaxe, it’s like she doesn’t even care about this marriage)

(also for comedy purposes, bear in mind I play with survival mods that mean my character needs to eat and sleep to live, and I literally spent the entire ingame night on this and forgot to eat and drink anything either and then just downed four bowls of wolf stew right before entering the temple so I didn’t starve during the ceremony. also I discovered during the wedding that I am dying of rockjoint, which I contracted from sleeping in a pile of hay on the floor of a skeever infested cave, so even being six foot tall and jacked can’t make up for the fact that I am exhausted, running a fever, and probably covered in wolf which I spilled because my joints are slowly atrophying, and even the fanciest clothes in the world aren’t going to cover that up)

so I enter the temple, and my finance is there, and Lydia my housecarl, and some random NPCs the game thinks are my friends because I did fetch quests for them

One of the random NPCs is Lisbet. Atfter I did her fetch quest, I then did another quest in which I discovered Lisbet is secretly a cannibal and part of a demonic cult that worships the daedric prince of decay by kidnapping priests, sacrificing them, and then eating their corpses. Raw. I think the raw meat is the sticking point for me here honestly.

I ultimately decided not to sacrifice the random priest to a daedric prince in exchange for one magic ring and all the raw human I could eat, because frankly, that doesn’t sound like much of a deal to me. I was expecting there to be some kind of dialogue choice where I could nope out at the last minute, but it turns out there isn’t one, so after they drugged the priest and tied him to the altar, I just got out my sword and started swinging.

I killed most of the cult (including the town butcher, because I had brought meat from him before and was extremely pissed off that he might have been secretly feeding me humans) but a couple of them got away, which I figured was fine because they weren’t trying to kill me.

Except it turns out, if any of them escape, then every time you see them in the future there’s a random chance that they’ll fly into a violent rage and try and murder you.

Lisbet is at my wedding. Lisbet decides that clearly me marrying this random argonian woman with two lines of dialogue is the happiest day of my life, and she cannot allow me that happiness, when I’ve taken so much from her.

So she tries to kill me. Only she can’t, because I’m stuck in a pre-rendered wedding animation, and also she’s sitting next to Lydia, my faithful retainer and owner of a really big axe.

It also turns out that Lisbet is essential, meaning she can be knocked unconcious but not actually killed because she’s needed for some quest or other. And the minute she wakes up from unconciousness, she tries to kill me again, so Lydia knocks her unconcious again, and I’m stuck, I can’t move, because I’m supposed to be in the wedding animation.

Except Shavee has, not unreasonably, see all this and decided that she doesn’t like me enough to risk getting murdered, and has done a runner, leaving me at the altar, but more importantly, leaving me trapped in a broken pre-rendered animation, so all I can do is stand there at the altar, staring at the space where my fiance was supposed to be, listening to the sounds of Lydia trying and failing to beat a cannibal to death behind me.

Okay, I think, clearly this wedding isn’t going to happen, I’m going to go for the registry office option and complete the wedding using the dev commands. I do this. The priest gives me a wedding ring, and I can finally move again. I chase after Shavee, who has an impressive turn of speed on her, and eventually catch up right by the city gates. I try to talk to her.

Apparently using the console has completed the wedding for me, but not for her, because she still only has the same 2 lines of dialogue she usually has.

Clearly this is working, I can’t leave my kids with someone who can only say 2 things and doesn’t even know she’s their mum, that’s irresponsible.

I try loading from inside the temple. I get the same problem.

Eventually I figure out that I need to use the dev controls to disable Lisbet’s entire existence in the universe.

Shavee and me get married. As the priest reads the vows, I stare at Shavee and wonder why she couldn’t even be bothered to put on a clean shirt. I wonder what kind of mother she’ll be.

Once the ceremony is over, and I’m happily married to the dirty green lizard of my dreams, and we’ve agreed that until I can make her recognise my extremely nice modded house exists I will share her single bed in the unheated flophouse in Windhelm she calls home, I re-enable Lisbet, because I’m worried I’ll forget if I leave it too long.

Fun fact about skyrim, it loads in quite a lot of npcs and objects by dropping them from the sky. I have no idea why this is the case, but it’s objectively the funniest way to load in objects.

I re-enable Lisbet. She falls from the sky, clips through the roof of the temple, and lands in the pew beside Lydia, stands up, draws a knife, and is immedately beaten unconcious.

I no longer care, because Shavee now has all the exciting new spouse-only romantic dialogue options like “Could you cook something for me” and “have you made any money lately”, and I know she’ll be a great mother.

I limp to the door of the temple, while around me the guests not involved in the Lydia-Lisbet murder cycle scream and duck for cover.

I open the door to the temple, immediately collapse and ragdoll down the steps, which is how I discover I am dying of rockjoint.

I limp to the orphanage down the street, adopt two kids, and then finally remember that I’m carrying garlic bread, which as we all know, cures all known illnesses.

When I emerge back into the street, full of the joys of motherhood and garlic bread, I find the town in disaray. Lydia is chasing Lisbet through the streets with an axe and a dragon is circling overhead, burning npcs to death. People are running for shelter, screaming, while the guards try to take down an entire dragon using only the worst bows and arrows in the game.

I decide that as a parent, I have to think of my own safety first and leave them to it.

I head out of the city, intent on returning home and figuring out why Shavee refuses to move in with me. A man hanging around the stables challenges me to a boxing match. For want of anything better to do, I agree.

Halfway through the fight he dodges at the wrong moment and I punch one of his horses in the head.

Two guards attack me while I desperately try to surrender. My kids will miss me, but I’m prepared to go to jail for my horse crimes, I’m an honest citizen. Also my horse crimes seem somewhat less important than the dragon.

The guards refuse to accept my surrender. I am stabbed to death. As I collapse in front of the indifferent horse, Lisbet exits the city, followed by Lydia. The last thing I see before I die is Lydia swinging her axe at Lisbet’s face.

welcome to the crab, shadow.

cute 🥰

some smol tma favs

Stormstar's Family

Maybe I'll write this story out, maybe I won't but since Bluestar's Prophecy, Redtail's Debt and Crookedstar's Promise all happen at the same time, I feel the need to get a general plot together behind what was happening in all three of those books.

The first of these bullet point rewrites will be Stormstar's Family.

-He still breaks his jaw obviously but he's never renamed "Crookedkit." Only his birth mother Rainflower calls him that because she's an abusive bitch.

-Oakpaw becomes the Golden Child. He can do no wrong and Stormpaw can do no right. Everything Stormpaw does is somehow connected to Oakpaw- his achievements are overshadowed and his failures are harshly lambasted. This drives a wedge between the brothers as Oakpaw doesn't understand what wrong.

-Stormkit begins seeing Mapleshade in the In Between. At first she's going to let him die- thinks that as Appledusk's grandson he deserves it. But then she remembers her kits drowning- remembers seeing her former clanmate watch them drown. She can't do it and she leads Stormkit back to his body and to safety.

-Stormkit keeps appearing to Mapleshade in his dreams and she keeps reluctantly helping him- seeing her own kits in him. When he confesses that Rainflower had rejected him for 'being ugly' she gets angry, she tells him a mother never rejects her kits- just handles them. She decides in that moment that she'd care for him.

-Stormpaw begins growing distant from his mother, brother and a bit from his father. But then one day, Shellheart tells him the story that his mother had told him- it was the story of Mapleshade. A cat who was cast from ThunderClan, lost her kits and then his mother's mother mated to her mate who turned her away, facing little consequences.

-Stormpaw confronts Mapleshade about the story and Mapleshade unloads the entire thing on him- then she makes him promise to be loyal to RiverClan. That her entire life was ruined just because she broke that one rule.

-Stormpaw continues fighting with Oakpaw, culminating in them getting into a screaming match that ends with Stormpaw denouncing Rainflower as a mother because she never cared about him once he broke his jaw.

-Oakheart and Stormdrift don't speak to each other for a bit. During which, Oakheart who's falling for Bluedawn is called out by her for being a bad brother. Points out that their mother had abused Stormdrift since he broke his jaw and it's no wonder that Stormdrift doesn't care about her like Oakheart does. Meanwhile Stormdrift was made deputy of RiverClan.

-Oakheart eventually comes clean to Stormdrift about Bluedawn and apologizes for never standing up for him against their mother. Stormdrift jokes that he likes Bluedawn for making him see sense. Seeing how happy Oakheart is with Bluedawn, he wonders about Mapleshade and wavers with his promise.

-Eventually, Bluedawn is forced to give up her kits and Mossdapple dies. He sees the anguish in Bluedawn who can't even grief her kit's death properly because no one knows Mossdapple was hers. Stormstar concludes that Mapleshade was right.

-He does his level best to quietly dissuade Graystripe and Silverstream from meeting but they keep getting together. When Silverstream starts kitting, Stormstar is alerted by Mapleshade that he needs to take his medic and get to the Stepping Stones right away. He does as told and finds Spottedleaf and Mistlepaw struggling desperately to save his daughter's life.

-His medic steps in and manages to do so with the aid of the ThunderClan cats. Graystripe stays in ThunderClan but Stormstar agrees to let him visit his kits at Sunningrocks as soon as they're old enough.

-When Stormstar falls asleep, he meets Mapleshade one last time. This time, instead of being in the In Between, they're in Meadow and her appearance has changed. She explains that she'd grown to love him as a son, that he was the universe giving her a second chance to be a mother. When she saw Silverstream suffering, she knew she couldn't just let her die. By releasing her resentment, her hatred and understanding her actions, Mapleshade was allowed into The Meadow.

-She introduces him to her kits which has come to reunite with her when she stepped across the border. Stormstar also temporarily reunites with his mate and their deceased kits who Mapleshade had brought along. She then explains that this'll likely be their last encounter until he dies. Mapeshade wants to spend time with her kits and Stormstar needs to live in the present. Additional Notes:

** Rainflower went to the In Between when she died and encountered Appledusk who dwelled there himself. He never confronted Mapleshade after she died and they both spent most of their afterlife growling and hissing at each other but never actually fighting. While Mapleshade had been spending time with Stormdrift, he was spending time with Rainflower.

He came to realize that he wanted to be nothing like this molly who made so many mistakes but never really suffered from them or even admitted that she made them.

While he's not sure he'll forgive Mapleshade for attacking his new mate and kits, he's now mature enough to admit that he should've stuck up for her- that they made their mistakes together as that he'd been cowardly when he allowed her to be the only one punished.

--

**Rainflower never admitted that the way she treated her son was wrong and found herself bound to the Caverns for her actions. She only realized she was wrong when she tried to greet Oakheart in the Meadow, seeing him pass by. He regarded her coolly and confronted her about how she treated his brother. Despite this, she never admitted she was wrong.

--

**When Reedshine's kits were old enough to understand what happened, her kits temporarily shunned her. They struggled with what happened- demanding to know how she could possibly be with a cat who threw their mate under a boar- how could she let a grieving mother be kicked out? Reedshine was allowed into the Meadow upon her death but she deliberately sought out Mapleshade on the edges of the In Between.

Once Mapleshade started becoming a better cat, they started talking and though there's still a bit of bitterness by both mollies, they've come to understand each other. They fully reconciled when Mapleshade's kits confessed that Reedshine had been looking after them until she was able to cross into the Meadow themselves.

-- **Though Mapleshade had released a lot of pain and resentment from her heart, she lives in the RiverClan section of the Meadow unable to forgive her past clanmates for allowing her and her young kits to be exiled.

--

pink moon.