YOU ARE NOT “STUPID” AND YOU ARE NOT “SLOW”!!!

Can I request some advice and affirmations on how to communicate to people that I need specific information (due to how my brain works due to two disabilities I have) instead of vague information?

Hi Anon!

I’m so sorry it’s taken me a while on this one! Every time I go to do affirmations, I spy it on the list and think “I need to help that person!” but as it happens, I’ve really been struggling to communicate lately. I’m in the down part of my bipolar cycle, and my communication skills suffer. So - YES, I actually am equipped to give you some advice.

I have some cognitive processing problems, and they often affect my memory, reading comprehension and verbal communication skills - especially when I’m tired or anxious - and so I’ve developed a whole lot of strategies I can share with you.

First of all:

YOU ARE NOT “STUPID” AND YOU ARE NOT “SLOW”!!!

I don’t believe in “stupid”, first of all. It’s not a thing. But even if it was, you still would not be it. And even someone like me, whose mouth can be a little bit slow to catch up to their brain is not “slow” - because that’s a mean insult and it’s intended to make us feel bad about ourselves because we don’t always act the way others do. Well, so fucking what, Anon!? All that means is we’re getting by in the same world as everyone else, but with things just that little bit harder. And that makes us METAL AS FUCK!!!

Now, some Hot Tips!

1. The simplest explanation is the best. You don’t need to go into detail about what your disabilities are or why you need information communicated in a certain way. It’s OK just to say you need it. Something like “Just so you know, I have a disability that causes some issues with my comprehension. I need you to give me very specific, exact instructions. If I need more information, I will have to ask you questions.” Some people might ask you what your disability is. But they don’t actually need to know - the fact you have one and it causes this problem (and this is the solution) is all that’s relevant. So...

2. Know your rights. Find out what the law about discrimination is, as well as the policies of your workplace or school, or wherever else is relevant. My university, for example, has a policy that I must be registered with the disability services centre with medical documentation and they give me an advocate who then applies for the assistance I need. The school’s policy is that the teaching staff have to comply with my assistance arrangements and are not entitled to know what my disability is. Very often, I choose to tell them anyway, because I find it helps if they understand the problem. But it is useful to be aware that if someone says to me “I’m not going to give you these notes unless you explain why you need them”, I have the right to say - “No. You MUST give them to me, and I can call my advocate.”

You might find you’ve got a boss demanding to know your disability and the HR rules say you actually do have to tell them. Which sucks, but at least you’d know and knowledge is power. You can go into a conversation prepared and not get blindsided.

3. Scripts are good. Scripts get some shit. That’s some neurotypical ableist Non Sense. Scripts are fucking great. Here’s one of mine for the first time I attend a staff meeting in a new workplace:

“I just want to let you know that I have a disability that causes some problems with my cognitive processing, so sometimes I struggle to take in a lot of verbal information all at once. So, if you see me closing my eyes, I’m not falling asleep - I’m just shutting out the visual stimuli so my brain has more space to take in what people are saying. I’m not rude, I promise!”

I have it memorised - I don’t always 100% use the exact same words, but it always goes in that basic structure. I’ve learned it, and now I can be sure I get out all the information that is needed. This is good for other people (they don’t think the new girl is an asshole falling asleep in her first meeting) and it’s good for me (I don’t go in feeling anxious af). Scripts reduce anxiety, and if communicating your needs is harder when you’re anxious - scripts are IDEAL for you.

4. Be prepared. You know what the problem is, what the solution is and how you can best be helped. In your case, you could have something written down that you can give people. Write a guide (get someone to help if you need). Make a thing that says: “DON’T give me instructions like this” and “DO give me instructions like this”. Then no one can claim you didn’t tell them or weren’t upfront about your needs.

I have it built into my employment contracts - upfront at that early stage I ask them to put in a clause that says that if I’m not given an instruction in writing, I can’t be held responsible. It’s written in whatever language suits the employer, but basically, I tell them “My memory is shit. I don’t know what I’m told, so you have to write it down, or it doesn’t get done.” And no employer has ever objected to this - they’ve all found it to be a reasonable clause. I am honest and unapologetic and I ask with confidence because:

5.  YOU’RE A FUCKING LEGEND! This isn’t your fault. There’s no shame here. You are just as capable as anyone else of doing the thing - you just need to be given the instructions in a particular way. If someone won’t do that, THEY are not helping you to do your best work. That makes them shit at the thing - because how are you supposed to be your hella competent, excellent rad as fuck career cobra/study snake/achievement alligator if they aren’t going to take a minute to give you instructions in the proper fucking way you asked them to? Frankly, they’re letting everyone down. Including you.

I hope that some of this is helpful to you, Anon. Stay rad as fuck, and please enjoy this very safe, socially distanced, retro, cyberspace solidarity fistbump!

- The Slightly Aggressive Affirmer