I've Registered For Othercon; Actually Genuinely Excited To See What The Community Is Like, Given How

Yes, the hilarious karmic backlash of forcing a non-human misanthrope to live as a human, with every trait that could fit into humanity being carried along with him. The pain running down the length of my back where my wings had been, the hypermobility with joints that break far more easily, cold blue blood translating to dysautonomia, and for it to be so isolating. Something of a fitting punishment, I suppose.

Coming home and metaphorically taking off the little hat they make me wear to reveal my antennae, pulling off the shirt I have covering my wings, existing in my own space as what I truly am

Must say, VERY interested in the way I can't listen to a certain (vocaloid) song anymore because of the line "surely after 100 years I'll be reborn as a beautiful girl".

I'm discussing this on my main blog as well but having a music special interest is so. Oh it is so perfect for us, with a healthy dose of classical and orchestral of course ✨️

**SPOILERS FOR THE BARBIE MOVIE**

I saw the barbie movie yesterday and found almost every feeling I have regarding humanity to be challenged. I struggle greatly with reconciling with my own humanity, especially with the isolation I feel from it due to some personal characteristics, as well as due to a lot of negative experiences growing up, ranging from abusive family to a host of adults who did nothing to help me as I moved through that exact abuse, as I moved through chronic health issues, through my undiagnosed autism, consistently struggling to fit in amongst those who seemed to reject me consistently. All of those feelings became very neatly tied together with my kintype, a nonhuman misanthrope.

This movie ran completely counter to my own held beliefs.

To see the negatives depicted, in barbie experiencing misogyny for the first time, in the discussions of how hard it is to be a woman, balanced in barbie's choice to be human, the imagery of her struggling to do things as simple as drink and her isolation from humanity itself, juxtaposed next to her finding a sense of beauty in it all, in her ultimately choosing to be human because all of the joy and wonders and experience is worth the pain and the risks. That ultimately, the love of the experience is worth it.

It's something I never imagined to see depicted on screen, and it's something that made me actively sob when I got home. The idea of this experience being worth it instead of being something akin to a punishment never crossed my mind, and I'm being left with a lot to consider. It feels almost overwhelming, I simply don't know where to start..

ur a <stranger> - WILLOW

Night Shfit - Lucy Dacus

Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away) - HEALTH (cover)

Unloved - HEALTH

Church Outfit - Poppy

Doooshiyoooo!! - Tempalay

Imperial Girl - R Sound Design

Round Trip - 36g

Dramaturgy - Eve

Torinoko City - 40m-P

Bonfires - Blue Foundation

She's Lost Control - Joy Division

3AM-Alternative Root - Madoi the Maid

Help Me (Tsunawatari) - Hako Yamasaki

Let's discuss.

Interesting playlist development in not just including quieter music and synthpop but also including alt rock and post punk

It's been a bit since I've last spoken here, and I have a lot of things I want to say.

After some very careful consideration, I think I can safely say that my feelings regarding kinning were actually the manifestation of myself coping with a dissociative condition I otherwise didn't know how to describe. This was the closest approximation I could come up with that made sense to me, and as time went on and I was afforded more chances to look at my feelings and perceptions, I do know for certain that there is something dissociative happening to me. Nothing as far as osdd I would say, but definitely along that vein.

I carry him with me. When I'm upset, I hold his grief, and when I'm overjoyed, I hold his caution. Every new situation has a protective measure put over it in the form of a dissociative fit. However, as I've mentioned previously, I don't interpret any of this in a negative light. It simply is what it is, and it is something that developed to help me cope. Of course I was afraid in the beginning - I didn't know what I was dealing with or what triggered my episodes, so I very naturally began to feel afraid when I could feel myself begin to drift. As time has gone on, I have made peace with this aspect of myself and wish to work with it.

This experience has been and continues to be deeply important to me, and I feel that part of my interpretation of it is almost spiritual in a sense. I grasped a lot of my identity through him, saw a lot of my trauma and myself in him and he continues to serve as a lens I occasionally interact with the world through. I have chosen to use his name alongside my own, feeling a sense of recognition and actual, genuine joy upon hearing it. Only a small handful of people know I use this name, and smaller few still know about my dissociation. While the psychological pieces don't necessarily have to come to light, I would like to be afforded the chance to be seen in the world as I am.

I am planning to tell two friends of mine about my name. I trust one of them to take it well, but I fear a bit of reaction from the other. She has a concept of "cringe" and has implied to me a few times prior that my behavior felt embarrassing in a secondhand way. The behaviors in question were either deeply ingrained, as from how I grew up, or entirely innate, as with my neurodivergence. I fear another layer being added to this, especially since we live together, but I don't want myself to be ruled over by my fear of perception. I want to be able to live authentically and for myself, regardless of what may be perceived of me. I already exist as someone who is queer, traumatized, disabled; some of my actions are already perceived differently because of these immutable factors. I don't want to feel afraid anymore. I am preparing for potential questions or pokes, but think I truly may not have much to fear.

My name is Shai, and I don't want to be afraid to say it.

recipe for shaiapouf from hunter x hunter @bandage-hearted-butterfly

so the obvious choice for blue and purple to me is butterfly pea flower tea, but anyone can tell you to buy dried butterfly pea blossoms and then steep them to make an herbal tea so i went to find something a bit more complex. this recipe includes simple syrup, which can be bought or made. its really simple to make simple syrup, so i'll include instructions on how to make that as well

simple syrup

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/2 cup water

add water to sugar in a small saucepan over medium heat, stirring until the sugar dissolves. let it cool, then pour into a clean jar and lid it. it'll keep in your fridge for about one month

butterfly pea milk tea

1 teaspoon dried butterfly pea flowers

1 cup water

1 tablespoon simple syrup

1/4 cup milk, dairy or non-dairy

optional: tapioca pearls cooked according to their packaging instructions

bring the water to a boil in a small pot and add the butterfly pea flowers. turn off the heat and steep for 5 minutes. when it reaches a rich blue color, discard the flowers and let tea cool

if using tapioca pearls, add them to the bottom of a 16 oz mug or glass. add ice and pour cooled tea. add 1 tablespoon simple syrup and milk of your choice

You know, I don't think I'm afraid anymore, I don't want to fight anymore, and I've come to see how fundamental this is to me. It isn't something I chose, so fighting performs a disservice to it.

I don't think I'm afraid anymore.

I think I love you.

I love you.