I Want To Stop It

How to calm yourself? Any suggestions please.

A single thought of yours

Ruined everything that was good .

Have you ever felt it?

Days where…

It feels like a constant struggle to push forward. That even if you put your best foot forward, it’s like you might as well be bringing both off the edge of a cliff.

Maybe…

Times where you genuinely and painstakingly question the meaning of life, of existing on this planet, of being around.

You know that you should keep going — because surely, everyone has a purpose or something to at least try to strive towards — but at the same time more thoughts keep weighing you down with why it might just all be in vain.

Am I unwanted? Unneeded? An unnecessary obstacle or burden to those who cross paths with me?

If you’re growing under the wary eye and disapproving glare of an emotionally unavailable parent, does that mean you’re just another mouth to feed, another disgusting waste of space that only regains clarity or becomes redeemable when you’re needed for something, or are useful to the objecting person in question?

Surely not. Surely if you hypothetically could surround yourself with a lighter crowd of people who appreciate you for who you are inside and outside, for what good you can bring despite your setbacks and flaws and mistakes and imperfections and bad decisions…

Surely you would realize you mean a lot to someone out there. To at least one other person living on this planet.

It’s hard to fully regain sense and your bearings during times like these.

Days where you can barely imagine the future of five, ten years ahead — heck, even a week or a month ahead — when just this one day feels like a mountain crushing you from the inside out, and then back again.

Over and over and over.

If you can piece together moments like these from your own life, maybe you’re going through something similar. Or have, for that matter.

I want to believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. That no matter how many times I get crushed and broken down little by little, that no matter how many times the same wounds get ripped open and abandoned with salt freshly poured to sting and burn at my core, at the crux of who I am or who I think I am, that something good — surely! — will come about.

And that every bad day brings me closer to the good day that will eventually become a good period, and finally, a good, consistent period of life.

Once and for all.

Maybe that’s why I continue reading so much, even as an adult now.

Because for whatever wishful thinking might result, some part of me desperately wants to believe — even if I can only vicariously feel it right now — that those stories of characters overcoming family abuse to find love, peace, a home among those who truly and unconditionally love and care about them…

Can actually become a reality.

For me. For you.

For everyone.

Because at the end of the day, I still have to remind myself…

Ending it all — by my hands — would only cut short a life that might be wonderful on the other side of this tunnel.

No matter how dark and horrid and painful it may be right in this moment.

Sleeeeeeeeeeep

I can’t , my mind wont stop running.

I am not feeling anything.... nothing at all.

No anger , love , hatred, care , guilt, sadness , happy ,pain and whatever feelings there exists.

I feel nothing.

I wanna be vulnerable again , wanna cry it all out , wanna laugh being happy .

I want to feel it!

Want that serotonin, dopamine, gaba to hit my dormant receptors and produce feelings , normal feelings which everyone deserves , ME TOO!.

Everyday but more tonight!

“ⓘ I fucking hate it when you’re in such a fantastically giddy mood and then you see one simple little thing that makes you think, “oh” and then you just get this empty feeling in your chest and you get nauseous and the world just crumbles and you want to just lay under a blanket and close your eyes and fall asleep and never wake up.”

—

I don't know if it's an ending or beginning

I just know it will harder from now on.

Because I cried while you were confessing, it was a relief mixed with fear and uncertainty.

You can't be mine , you can be mine sounds so beautiful but at the same time so dreadful to feel.

Hate u forever ❤️

What happens once you kill yourself? Because I'm ready to go.

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to  her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all  busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself

but you killed everyone else around you too. 

you know what? sometimes you are wrong. sometimes you are the toxic one. sometimes you are the bad guy in a story. but that does not make you a bad person. we all at many points in our life, no matter how healthy and good we are, have moments where we are wrong. don’t beat yourself up for this. reflect on the situation, identify what you did wrong and how you can avoiding making the same mistake, and move on. you’re human. you make mistakes. all you can do is learn and move on.