Neil And The Foxes Part 2 Because I Can’t Control Myself And I’m A Hoe For Aaron X Katelyn (the First

matt & andrew friendship!!! (extension to this)

matt had a fairly easy time becoming friends with nicky, kevin, and aaron, mostly because once all the issues in their respective lives had been somewhat solved they were more open to branching out

andrew was another matter

matt was beginning to see andrew differently because of the way neil talked about him, and also because of the way renee was starting to talk about him (she used to be more private about their friendship)

hearing about andrew’s devotion to the people he cares about reminds matt a LOT of himself, so one day he finds him alone in the dorms and properly apologizes to him for how he used to be treated by the team

he makes it clear that he understands if andrew isn’t interested in being friends with them, but matt is willing to give it a try if he is

nothing happens for a few days, and then during practice renee calls matt over to join in on a “debate” she and andrew are having on their stroll around the court

matt has the earth shattering realization that andrew is hilarious

and not only does the man have some serious deadpan comedy going on, he’s also wildly intelligent and profound

(unbeknownst to him, andrew has also been hearing about matt from renee and neil, and perhaps….he is a little curious)

the other foxes are so weirded out because during practice matt will just be chilling next to andrew and then suddenly burst into laughter

neil is Very Happy about this

the two of them start having more one-on-one conversations, and they actually get along really well?? matt is a good listener, and he has this way of getting andrew to talk that surprises both of them

but they also very quickly master the art of just sitting in comfortable silence and keeping each other company while they both do homework or something

matt also figures out oh. andrew’s expression does change. you just have to look very closely. it’s all in the eyes!!

andrew, during rooftime, staring into space and Thinking Hard: “why the fuck does matt keep on staring at me” 

neil, flicking gravel off the ledge, barely thinking at all: “he’s not staring he just wants to know how you feel” 

andrew, realizing he’s gonna add a 6′4 himbo to his Protection List: “shit”

they have a very deep understanding of each other

there is more to matt than just the outgoing chaotic extroverted friend

he gets so deeply invested in his friends and sometimes it overwhelms him because he doesn’t know what to do!! he doesn’t know where to put all of his love for them!! kinda like that mary oliver poem

and he was so lonely growing up because both of his parents were pretty absent (but his relationship with his mom got stronger in middle school) and he always feels like he doesn’t deserve the foxes

so he quietly pours all of himself into them, into buying their favorite snacks when they’re sad, listening as they vent, giving them the last of his water at practice, just being the Ultimate Dad Friend

and andrew gets it. he really gets it.

in the girls’ senior year the team takes another road trip to a skiing lodge, and it is an absolutely perfect week of nothing but a good time

at some point matt mumbles something about needing to call his mom and disappears and andrew gives him like 5 minutes before he goes to check on him

matt is curled up with his earbuds in and trying to Deal With His Emotions because he knows nothing lasts forever but he wants it to last forever

he remembers the days when his parents were happy together and they were a proper family and how it can all fall apart overnight

andrew nudges him with his foot and he looks so unimpressed but matt knows better

“matthew. hey matthew. matthew donovan. matthew donovan boy-” “i’m fine just vibing” “if you think we are going to leave you then you are even stupider than i thought.” 

they go back to the rest of their team together

their friendship quickly turns into a “YOU ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF EVERYONE ELSE BUT WHO IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU?? ME!! I AM GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!!” type thing

and then it eventually becomes a “let’s take care of ourselves but together ❤” type thing

whenever one of his friends sits next to him, matt reflexively rests his arm along the back of their chair/the sofa

it’s not at all territorial or patronizing, it’s just his brain responding to friend is near!! and all the other foxes think it’s kinda funny

one day andrew sits down next to him in the lounge, and matt’s arm twitches, but he stops himself because he is always very mindful of other people’s boundaries

andrew, not looking up from his phone: “it’s fine.” 

a photo of the two of them ends up on the lounge wall the next day, matt turning away to hide a giant grin with his arm chilling along the back of the couch, andrew’s expression flat but his body relaxed

matt says it’s probably his favorite photo

(neil agrees)

It's too cold outside, I wanna join their warm and cozy hugs :"

some rambling about Kevin from Andrew’s pov -

Kevin’s first addiction was other people. He was hooked long before he ever tasted the burn of liquor. To be alone was to slip into a sudden feverish withdrawal, hands splayed out and grasping for another hit. He detested other people, yet crawled after the mirage of connection like a dying man to water, finding refuge in the shade of another. Andrew blamed Kayleigh for the pathetic habit - 9 years of that pure high from unconditional love only to leave Kevin hooked on the cheap stuff, a pale imitation cut with a violence that was slowly killing him.

Andrew wishes he could go back in time and press the thin tip of his blade up into the soft spot right between Kayleigh’s ribs and make it known that Kevin would never end up in the Nest. Exy be damned. But Andrew can’t, so he’s stuck dealing with the fall out of Kevin’s addiction, forever forced to pacify shaking hands with platitudes of protection. (And he wouldn’t lie to himself and say that there wasn’t a safety in knowing Kevin couldn’t leave). Because what was their deal if not the impossibility that Kevin would stop needing him wagered against the certainty that Andrew would never want anything enough to make him go - both of them satisfied with terms that could never be fulfilled. Andrew had been flinching desperately, trying to catch his own shadow moving without him, but safe in the knowledge that it never would. In the end, Kevin was the one who left. Or maybe Andrew told him to go. It was hard to keep track.

Synchronization of horrors.

It had to happen one day. Jean sees flashes of other people's hands in front of his eyes, shying away from Kevin's soothing touch. All he can do is squeeze out a pathetic "no" on the verge of hysteria rising to his throat.

Jeremy is at Moreau's side at the same moment. He has seen how him lives through such attacks, and knows what to do. Kevin steps back, allowing Jeremy to sit Jean down on a chair. It is not easy for him to realize that he can do nothing to help his second beloveds who has survived violence.

Andrew and Jean are inherently very similar. They wrest control from the world. On bad days, Andrew only lets Neil in, and Jean only lets Jeremy in. No exceptions. They are their safe place. Fair enough, considering these are the people who managed to figure them out faster than anyone else.

Synchronizing their shared nightmares is maddening. Neither Andrew nor Jean like to show their vulnerability, and these days they try to avoid each other, going in different directions. They literally trigger at the sight of each other.

This day is just one of those when Kevin wants to burst into tears from impotence. The horrors of the past overtake his guys at the same time. Word for word, and Andrew does not hold back with words, in fact, like Jean.

It hurts.

It opens up old wounds.

Neil crawls out of his and Andrew's room. He does not approach them, pausing in the doorway. Jeremy shakes his head, and Neil realizes that neither he nor Kev have anything to do here. He pulls Day away by the edge of a home stretched T-shirt. The sound of shuffling footsteps hangs unpleasantly in the atmosphere of a quiet house.

"How's Andrew?" Kevin asks, and Neil shrugs vaguely.

The exact answer is: in the abyss of nightmares, mired in the swamp of the rolling past. Neil doesn't say that. If Minyard wants to, he will tell everything himself.

Kevin accepts Josten's silence. They curl up together on the sofa in the living room, clinging to each other like drowning people. The Ravens destroyed Jean. The system destroyed Andrew. Their hastily glued fragments cut painfully and without warning not only them.

Neil wraps his arm around Day's waist, looking oceans of pupils into his eyes. The storm hides inside him, infecting Kevin with quiet anger.

"It's so fucked up, Kev."

The muffled sound of French deafens them both. They would give anything not to understand fragments of Jean's panic attacks in his native language. It's scary. Details of the horrors of his past.

Kevin nudges Neil lightly in the back.

"Maybe you should go to Andrew. He needs you a lot more than I do."

Neil isn't moving anywhere. Andrew asked for space, and he's giving it to him. After all, who is he to violate his boundaries? He's much more useful here, next to a completely lost Kevin.

A little bit about one of the nights "kerejeandreil"

Jeremy is only one among them who does not have nightmares at all, but he knows when they sneak up on his loved ones.

He doesn't sleep at night.

It's best not to approach Neil and Andrew in a dream, so Jeremy just waits for them to leave the room.

Jeremy smiles as he hands Andrew a mug of hot chocolate. Neil notices the bruises under his eyes and frowns. Drew finds out about it too, because they have no secrets from each other.

Andrew grumbles, "Are you sleeping at all?", falling on the next edge of the sofa. Jeremy waves him off, but Neil comes over and puts Jeremy's head on the pillow.

The quiet tread of footsteps breaks the silence that has arisen, and Andrew reflexively tenses up, preparing to defend his guys.

"C'est juste moi", Jean mutters, rolling the growling sounds of his native French on his tongue.

In the doorway, Neil notices Kevin, who slides towards them after Jean.

Andrew puts his finger to his lips, silently says them not to make noise.

Neil runs his fingers through Jeremy's dozing hair.

"He didn't sleep again?", Kevin asks quietly, placing his palms on the back of the sofa behind Andrew.

"Again?", Neil frowns, tossing his head.

Jean leaves and returns a couple of seconds later with a blanket, covering his boyfriend with it.

"Oh, you didn't know?", Moreau mutters confusedly. "We all have nightmares from time to time, and… mon soleil feels obliged to be around at such moments."

Andrew shakes his head disapprovingly, tucking the blanket under Jeremy's feet. It's such a small thing compared to what huge chunks of himself Knox tears off for their well-being.

Jeremy turns over in his sleep, getting comfortable, and Neil's hand freezes in his hair.

Kevin sits down on the floor at Neil's feet, intertwining his fingers with the Trojan.

Andrew pats his ankle reassuringly: "It's okay, go back to sleep, I'll look after them here."

Jean settles into the chair opposite, humming a French lullaby. At the sound of his voice, they all begin to feel sleepy.

"To bed?", asks Neil, looking sleepily at Drew.

Andrew looks down at Kevin, whose head is comfortably perched on the hip of their junkie, and it seems to Jean that a shadow of a sincere smile appears on Minyard's lips.

"Not today", Andrew says, planting a chaste kiss on Neil's cheek.

Neil shrugs and settles down next to Jeremy, trying not to disturb Kevin.

Jean hides his smile behind the spine of the book, intending to start reading from where he left off, but a hand in armbands pulls it out of his hands.

Jeremy, Neil and Kevin are already snuffling on the couch in an incomprehensible mess.

Andrew folds his arms over his chest, bowing his head: "It's time to go to sleep, Moreau."

Jean looks back at him, squinting: "A kiss before going to sleep?", Andrew looks down, clearly considering the offer, and Jean excitedly adds: "If you want, of course."

"That's acceptable to me", he nods, but he considers it necessary to clarify so as not to harm. "And for you? It's okay if you don't want to do it… after the Nest."

Jean hesitates, not finding what to say. Andrew doesn't often show such emotions to them, Neil knows him much better.

"I think… yes, I want you to kiss me. I trust you", Jean doesn't expect tenderness from him, but Andrew manages to surprise him in this aspect as well.

The way Andrew gently bends over him, crossing the border, remains forever in Jean's memory. "Still yes?"

The moment of intimacy with Andrew is especially precious, because this gesture means trust. "Always yes."

Andrew grins at him on the lips. "Hey, don't be a thief, that's Neil's phrase."

Waking up Jeremy tries not to breathe, watching the unfolding scene. When Andrew kisses Jean, he can't help but chuckle contentedly.

Jean's confused "good night" dissolves into silence.

Andrew returns to the sofa, encountering a contented look from a barely awake Knox: "Sleep, California boy."

Jeremy nods, closing his eyes again, but mentally makes a note to discuss what happened with his boyfriends in the morning.

HOW IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

SHE SAID THAT THEY WERE DATING, MY BABIES ARE IN A FUCKING SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP

But yeah Andrew is the softer one in the relationship:

- This is a part of him he thinks must be in new bloom. The world says rough, the world says weapon, the world says joyless and so there must be some truth to it, right? Yet he finds himself wanting to cradle Neil’s hands to his chest when he needs steadying from a nightmare, have Neil’s bare wrist pressed flush against his ribs so that he can feel their pulses thrumming against one another. And he can’t sleep at night until he’s ran slow, deliberate fingers through Neil’s soft hair, every comb-through an indulgence, fingers massaging Neil’s delicate scalp, learning the structure, the very shape of it. He wants to press his lips to every scab, every contusion, everywhere Neil tore himself apart in hopes of survival. He wants to alleviate and cradle and absorb.  - Neil often ends up kicking his own blankets off of himself at night, and in the winters it drives Andrew absolutely crazy, so he’ll wake up a couple of times in the middle of the night just to fix Neil’s blanket and pull the covers back up over his shoulders to keep him from shivering too much, right before closing his arms down over Neil’s middle like a brace like a ring of fire. - Andrew likes to tease Neil about being clingy, but there are times when it’s difficult to say if there’s something wrong with his system or if being separated from Neil for longer than a few hours at a time has him emptied and aching in more ways than one. One particular evening at Sweetie’s, while watching Neil, Nicky and Kevin engage in some idle conversation he doesn’t remotely care to pay attention to, Andrew subtly tilts his cone in Neil’s direction. Neil regards it a moment before gladly accepting the soft serve and taking a small bite out of it. They share the rest of the cone together. Nicky attempts to tease them about it at one point, but stops mid sentence when he catches Andrew’s murder-glare from his periphery and changes topic. Andrew will never admit it, but once it becomes a quiet, shared ritual; he likes getting a little ice cream on his nose on purpose so that Neil has the urge to kiss it off. Slowly it becomes ok, even in  public. - There are nights when Andrew lets Neil wrap his arms around his stomach and pull him close, his chin on his shoulder, Andrew’s back digging into Neil’s chest. Andrew sleeps better when he can feel Neil’s heart beating against his spine. It leaves him strangely warm and punch-drunk.  - Sometimes in the midst of exploring, Andrew will take Neil’s hands and press them to his own diaphragm over his t-shirt so that Andrew’s breaths can do the speaking for the wordless, happy hum that he’s feeling. He likes Neil’s palm resting there, at the centre of him. - Andrew anchors his fingers in the back collar of Neil’s sweatshirt whenever he feels Neil tense by his side. As soon as Neil’s on edge, all it takes is for Andrew to hook his fingers and give a light tug on his clothes to reground him. Other times he’ll bunch his hand in the hem of Neil’s t-shirt and twist or press a steering hand around the back of his neck, but never to control. Always to guide. Neil will never not be amazed by the impact the slightest contact with Andrew can make on his nervous system. - Andrew strives to smoothen out his hard edges, catches tail ends of hushed conversations where the Foxes relay mutual shock at noticing the incurvated places where Andrew lets himself cave in, allowing himself to be vulnerable, allowing himself to be worshipped. The devotion and unrepentant trust that builds a monolith within him when Neil fiercely defends him. “I don’t need your useless concern,” he’ll mutter. “Too bad because you’ve got it,” Neil will usually reply. “They have to stop preying on you at every given chance. You’re not a monster to me. You shouldn’t be a monster to anyone. If they fail to understand that, they’ll be sorry.” Andrew’s tone is offhanded. “I don’t care about what they think. Nor should you.” Neil just shakes his head. “We’re family. We have to treat each other like one.” The words bite at the crumbs of Andrew’s nonchalant demeanor and he lets his guard down wholeheartedly. It’s an understanding. He and Neil have something that the rest of the world can only dream of, and nobody can take that away from them. - Neil often spends time bare-chested with Andrew so that he can further familiarize himself with the feel of Neil’s lacerated skin and by the time they’re falling asleep, Andrew almost invariably ends up wearing Neil’s oversized hoodie he shed earlier to bed.       - He doesn’t feel particularly gentle, but Neil insists that he is. “You’re always so careful,” Neil’s voice is thick with some unchained emotion, yet conversational as he runs fingers over Andrew’s split knuckles. The night air is humid and dark, rain-heavy clouds blot out the stars. They feel exhausted after a particularly grueling game, like battlefields after war, but the heat of Andrew’s body is lilting and makes Neil feel kind of dreamy. “With me, I mean. Nobody else has ever been that considerate.” Andrew’s blank amber eyes stare back at him, shone like opals in the campus lights reflecting from down below. “It’s not concern,” Neil nods in agreement. “No, it’s not.” Andrew then wordlessly takes their entwined hands and holds them against the side of his jaw, just below his cheek. Neil reacts with an elaboration. “Even though it’s always yes with you, you understand that some days it might be a difficult yes. You don’t touch to feast, you touch to steady. You make me feel safe and like I exist. You go about it like flower picking, if that even makes any sense. Cautious but hot, never incomplete and still somehow leaving me wanting more.” Now Neil’s smiling and nudging Andrew’s foot with his own. Their hands still twined at Andrew’s throat. “It’s really sweet.” Neil expects a comeback, an evasion, an immediate it is not but instead Andrew’s silence is pensive. Neil can feel him swallow against his fingers. The swift bob up and back down. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to.” He finally declares. Neil’s heart enflames as he leans in, close enough to Andrew’s mouth that he can taste his breath on his tongue, an inch keeping from tipping over into a kiss. “And I don’t ever want you to feel like I don’t want to. Because I do. I want so much it scares me. Pretty weird, right? Going from being nothing to wanting so much.” They gaze patiently at one another, not kissing, breaths spreading against lips like ripples in a pond. “What if I stopped asking?” Andrew’s voice is barely a whisper, hoarse; afraid almost. “I would like that, but only if you feel comfortable with a decision so big. You don’t have to make it now. Not for me.” Neil replies. Andrew closes his eyes. “Tell me one final time.” Neil traces one of Andrew’s eyelids with a barely-there finger and takes a breath. “Yes. Eternally yes.” Andrew crushes his lips hard against Neil’s: a chemical reaction. The kiss is a languid drink sipped by a man who’d been thirsting for years. The kiss is a game changer and Neil feels it in every single one of his arteries. If such a gesture could be measured, it’d stretch on for eternity. Neil is so thankful when they come apart for air that he’s stunted speechless. Andrew’s expression, once an uprising, now lays its armor down and then, the barest, shortest of burning smiles. Neil thinks he’ll forget how to inflate his lungs. And sitting there, atop their little pocket dimension of a rooftop, with Neil’s face moon-bright and stained red with surprise, Andrew thinks this gentleness will become a bad habit.

I finished aftg this week and I'm not ok, so I present aftermath Kevin Day but with hair grown out??

My thoughts behind the drawing under more ❗️spoilers for King's Men (last book)❗️

Kevin after Riko's death. Kevin attending the private funeral despite every horrible thing as a last goodbye, maybe out of spite, maybe to reassure himself the king is dead, maybe out of actual grief, either way he arrives, paying his respects ...

Night shot

Special for my dearest friends