I Miss Going Out.

It's too powerful I just wanna die.

April 6, 2024

Day 3:

Grief is a relentless companion, haunting every corner of my existence. It lurks in the shadows, waiting to pounce when I least expect it. Today, I found myself reaching for the phone to share a funny anecdote, only to remember that the one I wanted to call is no longer here.

It's in these moments of solitude that grief truly rears its ugly head. The silence is deafening, echoing with memories of happier times. How do you fill the void left behind by someone you loved so deeply?

Reading 1984 by George Orwell felt like a gut punch, and imagining it happening in the real world—or even in my own country—made it even more heart-wrenching. The way the Party strips away not only freedom but also the ability to think and feel independently is terrifying. As I turned each page, I couldn't help but cry, feeling as though my heart was being torn apart, especially when I thought about how easily such a regime could rise in any society if we're not vigilant.

In Orwell’s world, the total control over truth, history, and even relationships is brutal. If something like this were to unfold in my own country, it would mean the end of everything we hold dear—freedom of speech, connection with loved ones, and our sense of self. The idea of being watched constantly, never being able to trust even your closest friends or family members, is suffocating. Winston’s struggle against this control was a flicker of hope that I desperately clung to as I read, but when that hope was crushed, I felt an immense sense of loss, as if it could be our future, too.

If the government in my country ever wielded such total power, where dissenting opinions were erased and loyalty to the state became more important than truth or love, it would be devastating. The betrayal Winston experiences—both from Julia and from the world itself—felt personal, like it could happen to any of us under similar circumstances. The worst part was Winston's final breaking point, when he surrendered to Big Brother. I couldn’t help but think of how our humanity could be torn apart in the same way if our thoughts and emotions were manipulated to this extreme.

1984 made me cry not just for the characters but for the possibility that such a future could exist anywhere, even here. The thought that people could be forced to betray their own hearts and minds is terrifying, and it left me questioning how strong we would be in the face of such oppression. Would we resist, or would we, like Winston, eventually break?

Disconnect to Reconnect: Why social media detox is good for your mental health - A Personal Journey

In today's digital age, social media has become an integral part of our daily lives, offering us connectivity, entertainment, and a platform for self-expression. However, amidst the curated feeds and constant updates, there lies a hidden impact on our mental well-being that often goes unnoticed: the exacerbation of insecurities, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

The Allure and the Pitfalls

Social media presents an idealized version of reality, where filters and carefully crafted posts portray seemingly flawless lives. Scrolling through these feeds can unintentionally lead us down a path of comparison, triggering feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. We find ourselves unconsciously measuring our lives against highlight reels, forgetting that behind every perfect picture lies a story untold.

The Pressure to Conform

Platforms thrive on engagement, driving us to seek validation through likes, comments, and shares. This pursuit of approval can escalate into a cycle of seeking external validation, where our self-worth becomes intertwined with digital metrics. The fear of missing out (FOMO) further intensifies as we witness others seemingly living their best lives, fostering a sense of inadequacy if our own experiences don't measure up.

Impact on Mental Health

Research increasingly links heavy social media use to heightened levels of anxiety, depression, and diminished self-esteem. Constant exposure to filtered realities can distort our perception of normalcy, fostering unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. The pressure to maintain an online persona can lead to anxiety about image, performance, and social acceptance, detracting from genuine self-discovery and acceptance.

Rediscovering Authenticity and Self-Worth

Logging off social media offers a respite from the relentless noise of comparison and validation-seeking. It provides an opportunity to reconnect with our authentic selves, away from the pressures of digital expectations. By stepping back, we can recalibrate our perspectives, focusing on personal growth, real-life connections, and meaningful experiences that nurture genuine happiness and self-esteem.

Cultivating Healthy Digital Habits

Rather than abandoning social media entirely, cultivating mindful usage habits can promote a healthier relationship with digital platforms. Setting boundaries, such as limiting screen time, curating feeds that inspire rather than induce envy, and prioritizing offline activities can foster a balanced approach to social media consumption. Engaging intentionally and authentically can transform our digital interactions into sources of inspiration and connection, rather than triggers for insecurity and anxiety.

Embracing Self-Discovery and Growth

Ultimately, the journey towards combating insecurities, anxiety, and low self-esteem begins with self-awareness and self-compassion. It involves recognizing the influence of social media on our mental well-being and consciously choosing moments of digital detox to prioritize inner peace and self-discovery. By nurturing a positive self-image rooted in authenticity and resilience, we empower ourselves to navigate life's challenges with clarity, confidence, and genuine fulfillment.

In the quiet spaces between notifications and updates lies the opportunity to reclaim our sense of self-worth and embrace the beauty of our imperfect, yet extraordinary, lives. Logging off social media, even momentarily, can be the first step towards rediscovering the profound joy of being truly present in our own stories.

GISAYANGAN NIMO UNYA MINGAWON KA? BUGOA UY.

I'm a night owl. I find that the quiet and calmness of the night allow me to focus and be more productive. There's something magical about the stillness of the night, where the world feels like it's paused, giving me the space to think, reflect, and create without distractions. I love how the night offers a sense of solitude and peace, which is perfect for unwinding or diving into creative projects.

I'm honestly not feeling good lately. These past few days had been a roller coaster ride of emotions and I pushed a lot of people away. I put a barricade. I wanted to be alone.

But despite it all, as Hemingway quoted, “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places."

I am still here. I am strong. I made it. I'm standing still.

I deserved better than these clandestine meetings

Life sucks.

And i wanna sleep.

I broke my own heart that day.

He was kind. Nice. And I’m sure he’s a great friend. I saw him for the first time today, and I never thought it would be the last time I’d ever see him.

There was something about the way he smiled, the way his voice carried warmth like a quiet melody. It wasn’t a grand moment—no fireworks or fated encounters—just a fleeting interaction that somehow left its mark on me. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much.

I knew from the beginning that I couldn’t have him, that we were just two strangers passing each other on the street of life. But the heart has a strange way of getting attached to possibilities that never were. It was my own mind weaving stories where none existed, my own emotions building a bridge to nowhere.

And that’s where the heartbreak came. Not from anything he did or said, but from my own actions, my silent hopes. In the end, it was him who chose to walk away, and I, knowing there was no path forward.

But it still stung, that quiet realization: I had broken my own heart, in a moment that no one else would ever know existed.