I'm Gonna Go Feral Don't Try And Stop Me 👹

Re blogging things at the speed of light to help the dbda Tumblr ecosystem and I found this gem. *inhale* YEESSSSDDSSSSSSS THIS IS SO EKWKWJEJDBRBDBDN I CAN'T

I’ve seen so many alive!DBD au’s where Edwin and Charles meet first, or Edwin and Niko/Charles and Crystal meet first, but I raise you: Rich Payne and Surname-Von Hoverkraft families meet first. They are industry RIVALS, okay? They DESPISE each other with a burning passion and trade thinly veiled insults back and forth at every event they meet.

(More under cut cause this shit is atrociously long.)

At first Edwin and Crystal ignore each other or send glares, following their parents lead, but then they get older and Crystal starts acting out to get her parents attention while Edwin starts distancing himself from his. Both of them get the idea of, “What if I get to know the Payne’s/Surname-Von Hoverkraft’s daughter/son? My parents would HATE that.” So a friendship is formed.

In the beginning it’s toxic bitch levels of fake on both their sides, good lord they can’t stand each other. One day Crystal’s drunk off her underage ass and just starts openly venting and Edwin — the always sober guy and no it’s not cause he cares that’s preposterous!! — meets her tit for tat. Because, c’mon. Of course they’d drop random trauma on each other like fun facts.

Anyways they’re proper friends now, still appear the same — arguing is their love language — but there’s a level of solidarity now. Insert Edwin getting sent off to St. Hilarion’s for another year — Crystal threatens him to write her back per usual — and his classmates pull the prank. Not sure what 73 years in hell would be here, I’ve seen so many interpretations but I think kidnapping and torture is accurate.

While that’s going on Crystal gets a new boyfriend at her school. Any guesses?? She writes Edwin about David and Edwin does not hold back, he’s part of the reason Crystal tries to break up — it doesn’t go well, not sure how yet — and she writes Edwin about what happened craving comfort. Usually postal’s pretty fast, they aren’t that far, but she doesn’t get a response one day in. Two. Three… She finds out her best friends been kidnapped AFTER a news article has been released.

Turns out her parents knew the entire time but neglected to tell her. Crystal stops speaking to them. It’s 73 days later before she gets anymore news outside of, “The Police Are Still Looking”, and it comes in the sign of a knock. She hadn’t got much sleep that night — didn’t most nights — so she’d been wandering around her kitchen aimlessly. (As you do.) When she heart a soft rap on her front door. Curious, and too tired to care about danger or consequence, she opens the door.

Crystal doesn’t recognize him at first, he’s shivering and there’s so much blood on his- his everywhere but then a very weak voice croaks, “Crystal.” She screams. And sobs. Because what else do you do when your friend had to escape himself after 73 days of captivity and torture and the first safe place he could think to go wasn’t the police, or hospital, but you? Her parents are awoken by her scream and come rushing down because what the fuck is going on? And it’s all a blur from there — she refuses to leave his side and Edwin clings to her like a limpet.

It takes awhile of recovery and physical therapy — and regular therapy — after that but Crystal is holding his hand nigh every session, she’s there to bring him books and bicker and provide a sense of normalcy. Crystal forgets David for awhile, the only one to occupy her thoughts being Edwin because she knows he’d do the exact same. The two also get the satisfaction of watching their parents actually try to be amiable after this, it’s so stilted and awkward and they revel in it. And, yes, the tabloids somehow get ahold of the fact that kidnapped Edwin Payne fought his way to the Surname-Von Hoverkraft’s doorstep instead of literally anywhere else. Rumors pop up about his and Crystal’s relationship and the two make a teir list of their favs and least favs. Secret love child/half-siblings is their favorite, secretly dating isn’t even on the board they hate it so much.

College!!! The two decide against anything super fancy. And by that I mean they move to America together to find some community college to go to because neither want to be reliant on their parents who took a whole ass kidnapping to pay attention to them. Anyways, they share a flat above Tongue & Tail butcher shop with Jenny as their landlord. Crystal works as a freelance artist and tarot card reader (She’s really good.) while Edwin works as the librarians — Maxine’s — assistant.

Charles and Niko meet differently, Niko’s actually advertising her need for a roommate and Charles — who also moved to America to get away from his dad — takes it up. Fast friends don’t have a thing on these two. Niko gushes about this pretty girl across from them and Charles is man enough to admit, yeah, their neighbors are pretty fine. Too bad they’re dating.

———

Anyways more highlights of this AU in no particular order:

Crystal and Edwin physically recoil when Niko says something like, “Wait, I thought you two were dating?” Edwin puts his hand to his heart, too stunned to speak. Crystal fake gags and goes, “Why does everyone think that?! HE’S GAY!!”

Edwin discovers his sexuality at one of the clubs Crystal drags him to when Thomas King — older then them by a few years — flirts with him and he Panics™️. Crystal drags him away with a scathing look toward Thomas and asks if Edwin’s okay. He blurts out, “I- I’m gay?!” and Crystal goes, “You didn’t know??!?”

David tracks Crystal down to America and it’s a whole thing for obvious reasons, also because she forgot to tell Edwin about it in full — too busy helping him. This is how Crystal’s abusive ex trauma gets aired. (Charles maybe reveals some shit about his dad here too.)

Edwin and Niko go on a little faux-date together — cafe, library, just a chill day and night out — but Edwin leaves his flip phone at home and Niko’s dies. (Yes he has a flip phone.💀💀) So Crystal’s panicked as shit, last time she couldn’t contact him he was literally KIDNAPPED and TORTURED. Charles tries to calm her down before simply offering to wait up with her. When Niko and Edwin get back Crystal breaks down like, “You can’t DO that!!” This is how Edwin’s kidnapping and torture trauma gets aired.

Charles has a near death experience at St. Hilarion’s a few days after Edwin’s kidnapping. Turns out they went at the same time but Charles was a year under him and they ran in very different social circles. He gets chucked into the freezing lake and stoned still but a teacher catches them all and sends him to the hospital.

Niko’s dad died and her mom sent her to America to get away from the sadness, she caught a really bad illness and also almost died. Charlotte Knight was her Nurse. (Unrelated but she has Poliosis, which turns parts of your hair white.)

Esther is a serial killer and uses her son, Monty, to lure people in. Very brain washed Monty here sorry guys. She kidnaps Edwin who has several trackers on him — after the Niko Night Out incident Crystal and Edwin spent a night sewing them into each others coats and shoes — and the police arrest Esther and Monty.

Payneland and Palasaki of course, but this would probably be focused on Edwin and Crystal’s friendship. Yes, Niko and Charles get a shovel talk. “You know I adore you Niko and whilst I do not think you’d intend any harm, I will have to do something drastic in the event that it happens.” “Okay listen here dipshit. I have full faith you won’t hurt Edwin but if you do, intentionally or not, I will have to castrate you.”

There’s more I forgot lmfao, this is too long already😭😭 If I made any spelling mistakes no I didn’t

THEM

Monty is undeniably one of the most morally grey characters in the show, but I think under that he's just a silly little guy

LIKE LOOK AT THAT AND TELL ME HE'S NOT JUST VERY SILLY

i need you to understand that dbda is a tragedy & it didn't have to be.

it is a tragedy because the protagonists are sixteen year old boys who were victims of hate crimes. it is tragic because their deaths are senseless and didn't have to happen. it is tragic because they were killed by other sixteen year old boys who were taught hate and violence instead of compassion and tolerance. it is tragic because their deaths were probably the best thing that ever happened to them.

it is a tragedy because the boys do not let the tragedy define them. it is a tragedy because these awful, vile things happen to them, and they choose to be better, and they should not have to be. it is a tragedy because in our universe edwin and charles didn't come back as ghosts & they are just dead.

tragedies, by definition, must have a sad and/or unsatisfying ending. 'dead boy detectives' is the definition of a tragedy. because it ended sad (with niko dying) and unsatisfying (with the knowledge that niko is Out There Somewhere). 'dead boy detectives' was never meant to be a tragedy but because it was ended before it was supposed to be, it is.

edwin's life didn't have to be a tragedy. he very well could have lived past the war and become a writer or a librarian or a detective. edwin could have lived a long and happy life, and it wouldn't have been perfect, but it would have been human and complete. but his life was ended prematurely, so it is a tragedy

charles' life didn't have to be a tragedy. he very well could have lived through his father's abuse and created his own home with his own family where he never laid a single finger on his kids. he could have played music as loud as he wanted and kissed people in clubs and taught sports lessons at a community center. but this was taken from him. his life was ended prematurely, so it is a tragedy

but. it is also NOT a tragedy. because charles & edwin find each other. they find each other and they find love and hope within tragedy. because they live on beyond death, their story is not a tragedy

what i am trying to say is. 'dead boy detectives' is a tragedy because @netflix canceled them. it did not have to be a tragedy because it did not have to be canceled. and yet it still does not have to be a tragedy, because as a community, we have the ability to carry on their story, to find love and hope and community within tragedy

capitalism is a bitch and it is the inherent antithesis of art whatever whatever whatever edwin paine did not die for us to give up on this media. it deserves more. it deserves better. we all do.

you deserve better than the world. we all deserve more than we are given. but we cannot change that. we can just, like, make art, and have community, and keep shouting our love. we did not deserve this cancelation. but like. netflix does not deserve to warp their story into a tragedy. they don't have that right, i don't give it to them

It was @asidian's bday yesterday!!

💜💜 Happy Birthdayyy!! Thank you for being such a wonderful friend 💜💜

We talked this idea out which was so fun and Asi is planning to write something so I will keep the story close for now 8D

-

Patreon | Ko-Fi

A little rant for paineland week!

I don't want to put Charles' and Edwin's in the category of QPR yet because I'm not 100% on what it means but if this explanation sounds exactly like QPR than please tell me :)

Ok so I feel like once they so get together; that much is inevitable, the emotional dynamic between them would stay the same. The only thing that would change emotionally in between them is a sense of better understanding- thus leading to a slightly stronger bond. Physically, however, things would change. Due to their better understanding, they feel more comfortable to be intamite around each other. In those moments of physical affection really all they think is devotion- how they would go to the ends of the world for each other. In summary they have some physical romantic aspects in a relationship that could only otherwise be described as devotion.

Or, to put it more simply: they kiss and act like it's a normal platonic thing kinda

Thanks for putting up with my repetitive and confusing rant 😭

Decorating their office, Edwin instructing the exact angle that the fairy lights should be in to Crystal and Niko, Charles smiling because his wife is a bitch and he loves that. Christmas crackers are pulled, releasing confetti, which Edwin is appalled by at first. But the atmosphere of gentle snow falling on London lamp lights outside, and the twinkling of fairy lights and laughter as Crystal tries (and fails) to describe the texture of minced pies to Charles just make Edwin feel... At home. Not at home with his parents, whose Christmas atmosphere was dull and full of stiffly dressed relatives arranged in uniform lines, but content. He sighed, and letting himself be happy in the moment, took out his cracker crown and placed it on Charles' head.

no because I usually don't really like Christmas specials (or any holiday specials really) in shows but the thought of a dead boy detectives Christmas episode is soooo aaaa. like Edwin and Charles having spent 30 Christmas together, maybe setting up a tree in their office or going outside to see if they can still make snow angels even if they can't feel the cold on their skin. idk its just so sweet to me and really speaks to how long they've known each other and how they are (with Crystal and Niko this time around) a little family. plus cool Christmas ghosts or snowflake sprites or anything!

on a scale of 1-10 how much do you recommend dead boy detectives

1million out of 10

Ok lets assess why you should binge it:

1. Gay (no need for further explanation)

2. Butt loads of trauma. You won't be disappointed

3. Good fandom, amazing fan art and fics

4. Character development isn't progressingx it's unfurling in this beautiful way that maked it seem like the characters have this personality in their core, and now they are slowing revealing it (like the actual personality doesn't change it just gets revealed I guess)

5.deely complicated and devoted relationship

6.cinematograohy is good

7. Main plotline is Edwardian think who is a reperessed gay and 100 ish years old technically serves cunt and bewitches everyone with his autistic mannerisms. Yes genuinely.

8. Lesbian relationship going on although the series is focused on the relationship between the two male MCs their relationship is not shoved into the shadows but doesn't take attention away from the main ship

9. Personalities are diverse and rich with plenty opportunities to discover more

10. Generally a well done unrushed series you can revel in. Word of advice is the first 2 episodes are a bit meh (personal opinion) but you get hooked episode 3 and you won't regret it.