The Novel Reader

The novel reader

epilogue II

the beautiful days still didn’t arrive or at least not as i had imagined - there was no bright and early awakening, or a stretch towards the sun, no feeling of "i am finally worthy" and no lack of the familiar shadows. the beautiful days were disjointed and blemished, the streets were littered and the sun was too hot, the clouds too little, the breeze on my cheek not enough to ruffle my hair like the movies. the ancient cathedral was a modern art installation and the historical city was a street, but my heart was stirred all the same

my beautiful days were so ordinary i barely noticed, until the stroke of midnight, how much i loved them. come back to me, night spent in a hotel room playing mafia, come back to me exhausted laughter and charades and home-cooked pasta. come back to me, friends, and accuse me of being the mafia again and let me laugh and incriminate myself again, and let me love you in that moment, please, i didn't realise it then

my sweet forgiving days let me sleep in though the 8am alarm still woke me, perhaps my body had heard my desire to consume and conserve the daylight hungrily - summer sun, let's put aside our rivalry, you made our smiles glow so gently on the last day, i owe you

my sweet forgiving days, that i fear, that i fear are lulling me into complacency, i fear so much but i love you still. i love you still, i thank the heavens for you still, train delays and all. i'll trudge through the city on tired feet and sleepless muscles again, come back, i'll wear my short sleeves and you will make it feel okay.

come on, hurry, the train will soon arrive and the karaoke place will soon close, i heard my voice in recording and i'll forgive it, i sang you proud. the city is so alive, breathing me in and out, pushing me against the hand-grip of the subway and pulling me from bookstore to bookstore, up and down the stairs and up and down, and up once more because the apartment was always one floor higher than i hoped, though i already knew that from the blue flower prints i memorised, and the rainbow mat of the neighbour who must've cursed us out, let me send flowers to them, let me send flowers. thank you for allowing me joy and delirium and obnoxious laughter. happiness is so fleeting and easily questioned, forgive me, allow me your mercy of returning again and again, and again as i look into my friends' smiles and burst into giggles.

my beautiful days were so short and spaced between the ordinary days (that were still beautiful, god, they were all so beautiful-) but you still fit so much inside; i battle time and memory to keep you with me, a little more, a little longer, let me linger on the memory of touch and sound and don't you dare take it away from me. my world and my people and my people's people and my world's planet, i love you so.

and when that plane lands, and that shuttle screeches to a halt, and when i walk down that wooden hallway and hear the familiar roll of my suitcase, i know i'll forget you, i'll forget that i'm not alone. the past will beckon me once more and my daydreams will say so what of happiness when there is no success within it. but perhaps one fine morning of sleeping in again the world will forgive me as it always does, as i pray it always will, and i will be reminded that i have pockets of my heart beating gently around this stupidly large globe. maybe a smile or a joke will set it off, maybe a moment of sadness or even frustration, maybe i can be missed as i miss you so already, all of you, all of you, all of you who i remember and forget with the turn of the earth and the pilot's steady descent onto the landing. i love you so much even when i don't. i love you so much even though i will never be certain that you love me, i will never accept that you can love me differently or less or more, or perhaps not at all. not at all. not at all-

but you did for a moment, right?

Tags

poetry

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panca123

7 months ago

A black and white, inky-looking fancomic for Omniscient reader's viewpoint. All the speech bubbles look like text bubbles from a messenger, specifically midday tryst. They all have a symbol signaling if those texts were read. Most of them are unread.
In a coffin lays Kim Dokja in his stark white coat. A text bubble is covering his face completely. It's a call to him - it says "Kim Dokja."
Next frame is Yoo Joonghyuk looking down at him, with his face, too, hidden behind the text. Above his is the heavy, dark sky.
"Han Sooyoung told me to stop paying for midday tryst."

Presumably a flashback to the conversation - Yoo Joonghyuk standing in front of Han Sooyoung, who is sitting with her feet on the chair, a laptop with an open word document on her lap. She is pointing at him with a lollipop in accusatory manner.
Yoo Joonghyuk is quoting Han Sooyoung here: "Use a notepad. Like the reast of us". Her words, again, cover both of their faces.
Next frame is Han Sooyoung showing off a tattered notepad with first page filled up with someone's writing.
"For someone you kept around she is surprisingly clueless."
"Her notepad was full of your notes. Was it even hers to begin with?"

Yoo Joonghyuk's hand is reaching towards the notepad, but Han Sooyoung retracts her hand.
"She didn't let me check."
Han Sooyoung is shown holding the notepad gently, carefully. Text bubbles cover her expression completely.
"I saw its well-loved pages."
"She wouldn't care that much if it was hers."

Both Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk are standing in front of a giant portrait of Kim Dokja in an ornate frame. Han Sooyoung is watching it, while Yoo Joonghyuk is watching her.
The text bubble covers Kim Dokja's eyes, but not his serene smile.
"I think..."
"She also can't let go."

$First frame is Yoo Joonghyuk's profile showing his tired, weary eyes. The speech bubble covers his mouth, and it's the first read one: "She'd say". Next is, again, unread, seemingly a side note to Yoo Joonghyuk's monologue: "If she was in a lyrical mood". Next frame is a statue of Kim Dokja, a crumbling figure with his hands in a gesture of an embrace, a gentle smile on his face. Han Sooyoung is reaching up towards it, as if tracing his fractured face with her fingers. "Your absence" "Is revered as sacred."$

Han Sooyoung's quote continues:
"Since your presence was lesser than none." with Yoo Joonghyuk's addition of "Big words like these don't suit her."
Accompanying it is a shot of Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk laying on the ground with Kim Dokja's shadow being cast in the empty space between them. At the edges of the frame there are cropped out heads, seemingly belonging to other versions of Han Sooyoung and Yoo Joonghyuk.
Next frame is a shot of a wall with many photographs of Kim Dokja's companions pinned to it. Kim Dokja's hands are pinning Yoo Joonghyuk's and Han Sooyoung's photos. Between all the photos there are white threads, connecting them all, making the composition look like a chaotic spiderweb.
"It did shape our connection."
"Your absence, i mean."

It is revealed that above that composition made out of kimcom's photos there is a picture of Kim Dokja. All the white thread lead up to it, covering his face in the process, but at the same time they are interrupted by the text bubble, and it is a read one:
"After all, we share an object of mourning."

Two vertical frames, both featuring Kim Dokja mirroring himself. On the left it's Kim Dokja with a hidden face standing under starry sky. His shadow is appearing as a dotted line - or a line of train carriages.
On the right is Kim Dokja's vague shape reflecting in a glass window of a bookshop, noticed by Yoo Joonghyuk, who is surrounded by other members of kimcom, including Mia. That Kim Dokja is smiling.
"Your inheritance for us"
"Was survivor's guilt"
"In a shape of a smile."

Kim Dokja is now laying in a hospital bed. It's bright and bathed in sunlight, but his face is hidden by a speech bubble. It is also a read one: "Your so-called happy ending -".
A shot of Yoo Joonghyuk dark silhouette in the door of Kim Dokja's room, his white coat visible, hanging on the chair next to the bed.
"Salvation of the last man standing,"
Yoo Joonghyuk leaves, a heavy shadow completely hiding his face now.
"And as you said, the price was way too high."

Whole page is focused on Yoo Joonghyuk. His face is desperate, empty, as if he's on the very edge of no return, staring into the empty space in front of him with hands almost cradling the speech bubble calling for Kim Dokja.
"Kim Dokja."
"I think i can't pay the interest. It's far too high."

A closer shot of Yoo Joonghyuk. He is looking up with hands locked in a gesture of a prayer. His face is as desperate and hollow as on the previous page. The text bubble hide Yoo Joonghyuk's mouth.
"I cannot let go on my own."

A shot of Han Sooyoung sitting with her legs up on a chair, almost curling onto herself, watching the laptop sitting on her stomach. Her experssion is unclear, hidden by her hair. The light from the laptop is sparkly, filled with little stars.
The read text says: "I am sure Han Sooyoung can fix it."
Next one is unread: "Who else if not her".

All the read messages combined say:
"She'd say: after all, we share an object of mourning. Your so-called happy ending. I am sure Han Sooyoung can fix it".

Tags

orv kim dokja yoo joonghyuk han sooyoung yoohankim yoohan without the kim

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panca123

7 months ago

The devastating difference between how much time it takes to write something vs how fast people read it lol

Tags

orv kim dokja yoo joonghyuk han sooyoung thinking about this in terms of orv writing is not like dinner the whole purpose of orv is to prove this point i think. the constellations initially treating kim dokja's story as entertainment but eventually coming to love the story and fighting for it kdj's journey of gradually coming to love the constellations who supported him thoughout his journey kdj feeding on yjh's story for 10+ years straight but finding himself sacrificing himself over and over again for a single story thats the thing as long as you love the story

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panca123

2 months ago

So like when they discover OD and KDJ tries to kill himself is he like... going to shoot himself with a broken piston (?) or something. And YJH is going to catch the fucking bullet with his bare hands or

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panca123

3 months ago

Currently working on a comic for orv

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panca123

7 months ago

I've heard someone say kim dokja's ■■ parallels his name first introduced in the novel. I cant remember who anymore, or what exactly they wrote, but I do have some ideas of my own:

"Kim Dokja": an only child "Kim Dokja": a reader. His ■■ consists of two: Eternity and Epilogue.

Eternity, where he gets to be a lonely child in a subway. He is forever on this subway, forever strong; independent; self sufficient. He is the 'only child'.

And on this subway, he gets to spectate and see what every reader longs to see at the end of a beloved story: the characters live happily after years of tragedy, settling down as they maintain their found family dynamics for the rest of their lives. He is the 'reader'.

Epilogue, where this time, instead of watching the characters leave him to his own cold world, he goes on towards this new ending with them. He is no longer the 'reader', but instead a 'character' in the story with all the people he has ever loved. He has a new family now, one with his two lovely mothers, a dependable older brother to lean on (swk), not to mention the entirety of kim com & the other occasional constellations there to fill up their big house with chatter and laughter and warmth. He is definitely no longer an 'only child'.

To become 49% percent is to become someone who is neither a reader, nor an only child. To become 49% is to no longer be "Kim Dokja".

Tags

orv kim dokja i think this was supposed to be a very obvious thing 😭

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