you say it's my villain era and what you mean is that when you were six you panicked about wearing the right thing to kindergarten, what you mean is that in middle school nobody was eating, what you mean is that you spent high school prepping for college and college prepping for adulthood and adulthood fucking lost in the system.
what you mean is that you've been good. you were a good team player. you would have never considered yourself perfectionist - those are people more popular, prettier, more successful - but you carry any flaw like a secret in you, terrified someone will desert you for the simple reality of your personhood.
if you were good you could be loved. you could be loved if you were selfless and thoughtful and caring. if you bent over for every person, if you went above-and-beyond, it would absolve you of who you actually were. deep down, how horrible that you had needs. that you had boundaries, that you had desires. you learned young that you cannot afford to cut people out of your life - you would have nothing left. it is better to live in the service of others, to supplicate. to worship. you weren't exceptional, you had to make up for it in some way. to prove to others you were worthy.
if they need you, it's the same thing as loving you. if you are always-there, always-listening, always-friendly, you are filling a role. you have a purpose. you are living correctly.
villain era, you repeat. you mean: yesterday you finally told a man no. for hours afterwards, you couldn't control your heartbeat. you mean: you've been saying positive affirmations on repeat, trying to teach yourself any new thing about how self care is necessary. you mean: three weeks ago, due to a scheduling conflict, you finally told a coworker that no, you couldn't do them a "quick favor". you have felt bad about that ever since. sure, it would have made you work late and it would have been extra stress - but you feel bad about it nevertheless.
you tell your therapist you have been leaning into evil. she asks what that means. when you tell her: sometimes i prioritize my own needs, she doesn't find it funny. she looks at you a long time.
"and that's evil?" she clarifies.
"well," you say. "feels evil to me."
Stories like this are what make me fall in love with people all over again. I love when people are helping others, but I especially love when you can tell people are having a good time. I love the the sight and sound of people living
Tell me a soft memory
does he haveĀ
H - HEART
I - INTEGRITY
M - MASCULINITY
B - BIG
and
O - OH LORD, A RESPECT FOR WOMEN
BAROLD! :D
my cat is incredibly sweet and wants nothing more than to be within a 5 ft radius of a person at all times, gently chilling in your orbit. he is also VERY, VERY DUMBĀ
itās a slow morning so husband and I are reading, not making much noise. meanwhile, Barold goes downstairs to use his box and when he comes out, he starts yowling like his lil heart done broke. husband goes to to the top of the stairs all worried like,Ā āBarold, whatās wrong?ā
kitty zips back up the stairs and just oozesĀ onto husbandās feet, purring high-powered lawnmower style. the realization hit us both at the same timeā¦
this. boy.Ā this itty bitty kitty boy.Ā
he couldnāt see or hear us for tenĀ continuous seconds,Ā forgot. we. were. home. and immediately burst into tears !!!!
a better non-binary meme for yall
(now with 200% less alienation to transfem folks!)