If You Don’t Like Me When I’m Being Weird, You Ain’t Gonna Like Me At All.

Ooooookay.

So this is partially the blog post I promised to my awesome mysterious tumblr mutual @lostclouds-world and partially an autism issue rant. If you don’t want to deal with that kind of stuff go ahead and skip this one.

So my friend that I’ve caught feelings for, has also told me numerous times that if I ever needed to talk that she’d listen. Well, of course I took that at face value, and because of how crappy this week has been mentally and lots of things bothering me, I finally caved and just poured it all out, including how I feel. It felt great to get everything off my chest, but I almost immediately felt like I had made some sort of mistake. It was so unfair of me to just put that all out there, even though I’d been told if I needed to I could.

Well it took almost all day for her to respond, and it turns out I was flipping right. I had once again apparently overstepped, and overshared. I had no shot to begin with, and now I’m not even sure I’ve got a friend because I was having a mini-crisis and turned to someone who had consistently told me that I could go to them if I needed to get stuff off my chest. So that’s that part. Now for the rant.

So why the flip do I even trust anyone when they say they’ll be there for me anymore? That every time someone says that if I need to talk, that they’ll listen? Pretty much every time I trust that, it turns out to be a lie. And why the flip do they try to assume that I want them to fix it?? Like if I’m talking to someone about something I don’t want them to fix it, I just want them to listen. I’m capable of dealing with crap myself, but talking it out helps. I swear sometimes I really hate being autistic because I can’t ever seem to be able to understand what people actually mean. And more importantly, why the flip do neurotypical people say things they don’t mean?? Like just say exactly what you mean, not what you think you should say. I’d have a lot more respect for people if that was how it worked.

But it’s not how it works, and so I’m stuck in a seemingly endless loop of trusting people only to be told that they’re not my therapist. Like you bitch of course you’re not my therapist. You’re my flipping friend, and YOU TOLD ME I COULD TRUST YOU IF I NEEDED TO TALK. But when I actually need to talk, it’s always either “I’m not equipped to handle this” or some variation of “I’m not your therapist”. Like cool, I wish I would’ve known you didn’t actually intend to just listen and let me rant BEFORE I came to you to rant.

And you know what, maybe it is just my fault for ranting to them in the first place. Yet when I talked to my therapist about wanting friends who will listen and be there for me while not trying to fix my problems for me, I was told BY MY THERAPIST that I needed to find friends who would do that. And how the flip am I supposed to do that without trusting my friends? I swear that I’m going to lose my mind if even one more person that tells me I can talk to them when I need to about whatever I’m going through only to turn around and act like I’m overstepping a boundary. People can really frigging suck without being a horrible person.

Like I’ve had a lot of good friends who are usually good people that I trusted only to then essentially lose them because I talk to them about whatever I’m going through, good or bad. So I’m questioning why the flip I even try to trust people anymore. Maybe it’s because I like trusting people to be good people, or maybe it’s because I can’t seem to not take people’s words at face value. Either way, it’s just another way my autism is alienating me from those close to me. And I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault somehow because I just trust people’s word and take them at face value. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I could just be normal and not struggle with this stupid part of living. I swear eventually the only people I will ever interact with is random people on the internet. Anyway, rant over. Thanks for coming, I’ll see y’all whenever. Hope y’all are doing better than I am

Sooooo I know I said I’d probably post some art here from time to time, but like I lowkey haven’t had the time to do any since starting school. I wanna draw so bad but I just don’t have time

Having friends who have discounts at good food places is so nice lol. I just met this person, who calls me a friend almost immediately, and takes me and two others to Chick-fil-a. I have no idea what I’m gonna do to repay this, but you can bet your soul I’ll find something.

That’s so valid though

i need to cave my head in with a rock that would fix me i thinmk

Welp. Fully moved in and unpacked. I feel strange. Though I did get to go to one of our basketball games tonight. We won, and boy do I love the student section so much already. I think I’m gonna do well here in my new world

Okay. Quick update. It’s been like two weeks (SORRY!) and I still haven’t shared about the good news that I had. I think maybe 2 of my followers are actually invested in this?? Possibly 3??? Anyway, moving on.

Unfortunately, I still don’t know how exactly to share it or how much I can share. BUT I can share that I’ve made some really good friends at a campus event my college had several weeks ago! And because of this event, I met an extremely awesome human being.

I want to be very clear in that I am not in a relationship in any way, but I really like this amazing human being so we’ll have to see what happens when the next semester starts. However I don’t wanna cross any boundaries that I don’t know about so that’s all I want, and am going, to say about the matter.

OH! And another very important piece of information unrelated to said events is that the other friends I made are frigging hilarious. Love having lots of friends that are fun to be around lol. Mario Kart has never been so chaotically fun

Oh shush it gets even better. This weekend’s been extra lonely because of the holiday, and as we speak she’s trying to cheer me up and let me talk about what’s going on. As if she ain’t the one person I want to tell everything but can’t because it’s her and if I do I risk pushing her away and that’s exactly the opposite of what I want. She’s literally just so kind and pretty and goodness gracious my heart

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

Man I love having no cohesive thoughts sometimes. Been trying to think of something worthwhile to post but can’t. So that’s my random thought. Brain be wilding not making any sense. Love that for me.

coming out of my cage and i been doing just bad. going back in my cage because i like my cage

Quite accurate

The autistic experience is wanting to be an artist, a writer, a baker, an animator, a mother, somebodies wife, be totally independent, have a large friend group, only have one friend, move away and never speak to anyone ever again, never leave home, collect stuffed animals, heal your inner child, be a grown up, stay young at heart, get a job but not something you aren’t passionate about, eat safe foods, hate your safe foods because you’ve eaten them too much, scream and cry about how you feel like no one understands and you don’t fit in, love being different and not fitting in and not being able to do any of it because the seam of your sock isn’t sitting correctly.