Such A Mood. I Wish I Had The Space To Collect More Things But I Don’t

“Wha- what? I just confessed that I love you.”

“And I don’t see how that’s my problem! Don’t take it personally, but I don’t feel the same so it’s up to you to figure out what to do with that information. I think you’re pretty cool, so I hope we can still be friends.”

"Actually… i think i fell in love with you…"

"Damn man, i wish i could help you out fr. Goodluck on your problem tho"

Having friends who have discounts at good food places is so nice lol. I just met this person, who calls me a friend almost immediately, and takes me and two others to Chick-fil-a. I have no idea what I’m gonna do to repay this, but you can bet your soul I’ll find something.

Man I love being both autistic and adhd at the same time. Can’t focus on just one thing I gotta collect all the hyperfixations like trading cards that I’m never gonna do anything with. It’s great lol

Man I hate scams and bots. I know all I can do is block, delete, and/or report, but I have to admit sometimes they’re so painfully obvious it’s funny.

Like I had an ask show up in my inbox once that was just the generic “please click this link and donate to this cause to save my [insert relation here]!” that has random and inconsistent bolding and emphasizing of words, to the point where it’s also bolding half of a word. Another thing too is that these usually try to appeal to a specific type of person. The one I’ve mentioned literally started off by saying “Hi Lesbians” exactly like that. Like what part of my blog makes you think I’m a lesbian and that I won’t immediately clock this as a scam??

It caught me so off guard that I couldn’t help but laugh at this frankly idiotic attempt at scamming me out of some money. I mean, in all fairness, these kinds of things are being spammed literally everywhere so there’s all sorts of people getting these so it makes sense to have a general greeting. But lesbians is just so specific and I just wasn’t expecting to be greeted like that at all, much less in a scam attempt.

I got a good laugh out of it all and that’s the most value that scammer ever had. But I can’t believe scammers get people to fall for this crap. Please stay safe out there folks and don’t let people take you for ANY of your information or money. Like I said at the beginning: block, report, and/or delete. Have a great end of the year

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.

This is so well done! Thought I’d share, but go check out the original creator!

Runara of Stormwrack Isle by Lin Chang

Very accurate. I really don’t care to pretend around people. If you’re being an idiot I’m inclined to either say something about it or let my distaste for it, and you, be very evident. Usually the latter. But also sometimes there’s nothing you can do and so you just gotta walk away because if you don’t you’re going to lose braincells.

One of my favourite parts about autistic people is how you can use other peoples' reflections of them like an echolocation bullshit detector. Like they personally do not need to do shit for this to work, they just passively emit their own autistic vibe that bounces off every surface around them, and you can assess another person's level of self-awareness by how they reflect it back.

"Autistic people do not understand social hierarchy" nope, they understand you're supposed to be an authority here, but they won't politely pretend to respect you if they think you're incompetent.

"Autistic people do not understand humour" nope, they just don't politely pretend to laugh to humour you, and you are simply not funny.

"Autistic people are rude" nope, they just don't think it's polite to lie to you, and don't care about trying to tell you what they think you want to hear instead of telling you what they think.

"Autistic people sometimes have emotional meltdowns for absolutely no reason" nope, you're just insufferable to be around and the person with the lowest tolerance of your shit is simply the canary in the coal mine who breaks first.

Exactly! Especially when we want nothing more than to be accepted for who we are, only to somehow keep screwing things up

To be autistic is to live in a constant state of yearning that can never be fulfilled

I’ll make an entire dedicated blog post about it just for you my mysterious tumblr mutual. It probably won’t be until after Christmas but it’ll happen this week for sure. Probably.

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

Heck yeah

I am very grateful for the Wolfenstein reboots and the Sniper Elite games because while gaming as an art form has come a long way and all the beautiful stories and complex characters are really wonderful and important, sometimes we need to remember our heritage as gamers, go back to our roots for a bit, and shoot a bunch of nazis in the face