Pain Is Wanting To Write A Little Tiny Scene But Not Having The Motivation To Actually Write It Out Because

Ooooookay.

So this is partially the blog post I promised to my awesome mysterious tumblr mutual @lostclouds-world and partially an autism issue rant. If you don’t want to deal with that kind of stuff go ahead and skip this one.

So my friend that I’ve caught feelings for, has also told me numerous times that if I ever needed to talk that she’d listen. Well, of course I took that at face value, and because of how crappy this week has been mentally and lots of things bothering me, I finally caved and just poured it all out, including how I feel. It felt great to get everything off my chest, but I almost immediately felt like I had made some sort of mistake. It was so unfair of me to just put that all out there, even though I’d been told if I needed to I could.

Well it took almost all day for her to respond, and it turns out I was flipping right. I had once again apparently overstepped, and overshared. I had no shot to begin with, and now I’m not even sure I’ve got a friend because I was having a mini-crisis and turned to someone who had consistently told me that I could go to them if I needed to get stuff off my chest. So that’s that part. Now for the rant.

So why the flip do I even trust anyone when they say they’ll be there for me anymore? That every time someone says that if I need to talk, that they’ll listen? Pretty much every time I trust that, it turns out to be a lie. And why the flip do they try to assume that I want them to fix it?? Like if I’m talking to someone about something I don’t want them to fix it, I just want them to listen. I’m capable of dealing with crap myself, but talking it out helps. I swear sometimes I really hate being autistic because I can’t ever seem to be able to understand what people actually mean. And more importantly, why the flip do neurotypical people say things they don’t mean?? Like just say exactly what you mean, not what you think you should say. I’d have a lot more respect for people if that was how it worked.

But it’s not how it works, and so I’m stuck in a seemingly endless loop of trusting people only to be told that they’re not my therapist. Like you bitch of course you’re not my therapist. You’re my flipping friend, and YOU TOLD ME I COULD TRUST YOU IF I NEEDED TO TALK. But when I actually need to talk, it’s always either “I’m not equipped to handle this” or some variation of “I’m not your therapist”. Like cool, I wish I would’ve known you didn’t actually intend to just listen and let me rant BEFORE I came to you to rant.

And you know what, maybe it is just my fault for ranting to them in the first place. Yet when I talked to my therapist about wanting friends who will listen and be there for me while not trying to fix my problems for me, I was told BY MY THERAPIST that I needed to find friends who would do that. And how the flip am I supposed to do that without trusting my friends? I swear that I’m going to lose my mind if even one more person that tells me I can talk to them when I need to about whatever I’m going through only to turn around and act like I’m overstepping a boundary. People can really frigging suck without being a horrible person.

Like I’ve had a lot of good friends who are usually good people that I trusted only to then essentially lose them because I talk to them about whatever I’m going through, good or bad. So I’m questioning why the flip I even try to trust people anymore. Maybe it’s because I like trusting people to be good people, or maybe it’s because I can’t seem to not take people’s words at face value. Either way, it’s just another way my autism is alienating me from those close to me. And I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault somehow because I just trust people’s word and take them at face value. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I could just be normal and not struggle with this stupid part of living. I swear eventually the only people I will ever interact with is random people on the internet. Anyway, rant over. Thanks for coming, I’ll see y’all whenever. Hope y’all are doing better than I am

(My bad lol I was going for a lack of tact because people don’t know how to communicate properly sometimes. I’ll make my next one more lighthearted frfr)

"Actually… i think i fell in love with you…"

"Damn man, i wish i could help you out fr. Goodluck on your problem tho"

Man I love being both autistic and adhd at the same time. Can’t focus on just one thing I gotta collect all the hyperfixations like trading cards that I’m never gonna do anything with. It’s great lol

“Wha- what? I just confessed that I love you.”

“And I don’t see how that’s my problem! Don’t take it personally, but I don’t feel the same so it’s up to you to figure out what to do with that information. I think you’re pretty cool, so I hope we can still be friends.”

"Actually… i think i fell in love with you…"

"Damn man, i wish i could help you out fr. Goodluck on your problem tho"

The holidays are mega weird when you’re depressed. Like this Christmas season has just felt so empty and it’s not for a lack of reasons to celebrate. I’m just getting older and my brain hates existing so it just doesn’t feel the same way that I have about the holiday season in the past

Honestly same. Lowkey might start carrying stuff around to feed the crows and ravens on my college campus whenever I see them. They’re awesome

coming out of my cage and i been doing just bad. going back in my cage because i like my cage

I am very conflicted.

Either I play more Nine Sols, which is a great idea™️! Cool game with fun challenging combat with a super interesting story.

OR

I play more of S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2, which is also a great idea™️! Cool game with fun challenging combat with a super immersive story.

So I have to pick to either help my boy Yi figure out to execute his plan and beat the snot out of the other Sols (as far as I know anyway), or help my other boy Skif figure out where the heck the anomaly artifact thingy that bombed his house went because gosh dang it I want that thing back from the people who stole it. It ruined his life and I want it back.

Either awesome technological world that doesn’t make a lot of sense right now because hidden story, or an awesome post-apocalyptic world that has never made any sense because radiation is a thing and that thing makes mutants and weird balls of power that do funny things.

Can you tell which one I’ve played more of recently?? Man I hate having multiple hyperfixations at the same time. Feels like I’m constantly picking favorites when I don’t even really have a favorite I just have to focus on one rather than the other.

I know this is a writing prompt type deal but like why you have to call me out like this lol

"Can’t you see what they’re doing to you?!"

His voice begins to crack as the words leave his mouth. Tears spill over, his hands trembling. "So what was I supposed to do then?! Everyone left me—I had no one! I was alone!" He looks up, eyes burning with anger and hurt.

"You could’ve come to me."

"You don’t think I did?!"

Real. I don’t really use anything else so if tumblr dies I’m gone

"if tumblr dies you can find me on bluesky" "if tumblr dies you can find me on Instagram" if tumblr dies you cannot find me. It's over. I'm free.