Where Do I Go If Nowhere And No-one Feels Like Home Anymore

If they only knew....

“whats your name?” - call me scooby cus i can’t doo this anymore

No matter how many times my favorite person tells me he loves me I don't believe him. i can't believe him. I'm afraid of dying and not having ever felt truly loved. It's like there's a wall up in my mind that prevents me from thinking anyone could ever possibly love me. Because how do you really know?

you don't.

I genuinely think there’s something so irrevocably wrong with me that no matter how hard I try to recover and distract myself with good people and nice things I will never be able to escape it

Buying my coworkers lunch and gifts as if this is stardew valley and I can bribe them to be my friends

bpd develops for a reason. don’t ever let anyone make you forget that.

you were hurt and had no one when you needed it most. you’ve been through so much pain and trauma. regardless of what the world sees you as, this was the way your brain decided to cope. this was the only way your brain knew how to survive and keep you alive to this point. you’re amazing and i’m proud of you

I've never been good with reaching out to people but I finally had my group and I thought that I had found my people

But then time after time as soon as there were other people there it was like I didn't exist anymore and I'm so fucking tired

Is it really so selfish of me to want to feel important for once

Like damn I do everything I can for these people and when I haven't reached out in over a week nobody cares

Nothing changes and they move on without me and then when I finally suck it up and go back because I'm a whore for any sort of attention no matter how fleeting they will act like it's just a silly little thing that I did

I can't stand being alone I can't be alone with myself anymore

But they make me feel so goddamn pathetic

I'm really annoyed rn and I don't want to actually fix my problems so vent post :P writing this to a certain person who doesn't actually gaf about me

You got mad at me for not taking care of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious that you chose to care now. What is it convenient now?

Why couldn't you care every time that I messaged you to distract myself from the pile of pills in my hands and the blade pressed against my skin. No when I needed you most what you did give was too little too late.

But now you care. Now you're mad at me for being dismissive of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious. Why would I care if I can't eat or drink without chest pains? I'm fucking suicidal! If my body takes itself out good for me! Then I don't have to do it myself.

You're worried sick about me but you don't notice or care that I didn't eat anything at lunch and I was shaking after. When you know that Ive had multiple eating disorders. Bullshit.

Goddammit if you were actually worried you'd listen to me when I talked instead of just scoffing at me when I tell you that no, I haven't scheduled a doctor's appointment. Cause doctors have failed me so many times that I don't trust them anymore and I told you this but you didn't listen. Because doctors are there to help you say. Maybe they help you but I've been let down time and time again. So yeah I hate doctors. I'm allowed to have an opinion even if it's different from yours.

Y'know I think it's really fuckin shitty of you the way you treat me. Even if someone I hated told me the things I told you I'd still look out for them, but you don't do that and we're supposed to be friends.

You're soooo fuckin sad when I tell you that I almost committed suicide once, but you don't notice the sad smile I give when people talk about suicide. When someone told a story about the dream they had about suicide notes I say there knowing I had mine written. They're fucking ready to go when I am. It's soo obvious that something is seriously wrong. I am showing all the signs.

You just don't care to help me

At least not in the way I need

You just wanna preach your bullshit so you can be the winner and the one who was fucking right. You don't care about what I actually need. No one fucking does. I'm so sick of lectures when I just really need a hug but I have no one I can hug without raising suspicion. And if I raise suspicion there goes my plans and way out.

Fuck this I'm so sick of it.

I would never do this to you.

i was so small and new when i was ruined, i never stood a chance