I'm So Obsessed With You. I'm So Obsessed With You. I'm So Obsessed With You. I'm So Obsessed With You.

something mildly annoying about someone expressing emotions so much. be hollow.like me . wdym ur happy no ur not

God complex

Longtemps j'ai été jaloux

Et j'ai motivé mon action par envie

Envie d'avoir du style, du raffinement

Envie d'être autant exceptionnel Aujourd'hui, de mes 24 ans

J'ai comblé les besoins de ma convoitise

Sans m'apercevoir que je n'avais de réel besoin Me vient alors le doute, de la raison de mon existence

Sur cette Terre, si je n'ai de désir pur, ou de besoin à combler Et je ralentis La rue est lente

Et les feuilles semblent vivre

Et cet ivrogne en face

Je fais erreur, il habite ici

Et la lumière

Et la nature

Tout ça je le comprends

Je sens que le monde est à ma portée

Que je peux m'y glisser en assemblant mes notes

Que je saurais tout écrire, et trouver des vérités

Convaincu de mon unicité

Convaincu qu'un être unique n'existe que pour apprendre aux autres

Convaincu que je suis un être en devoir

Convaincu qu'on m'a mis ici pour devoir

Convaincu que je ne suis pas

Mais qu'on est bien ici Alors je marche vite

Je marche vite comme une proie qui s'exerce

La proie d'une force divine

Mais combien de temps peut on marcher vite ?

Combien de temps dure la volonté ?

Combien de temps dure la peur de marcher sur une feuille vivante ?

Combien de temps dure le désir, et enfin, son absence ? Je sens en moi l'appel au secours d'une personne saine

Dans un corps sain, un environnement sain

Qui a pourtant la force d'appeler un être qui saurait lui faire voir

Combien sa force la rend faible

Combien la lumière la rend aveugle

La force d'appeler un être qui pourra la briser

A New Beginning: Rambling #1

16th April 2022, 23:23

I don’t know why I have made this account. I mean, who even uses Tumblr anymore? Twitter is where everybody vents nowadays. I suppose that’s why it’s safer to vent on here; I doubt anybody will find me. Although, it’s not as though anybody is looking for me in the first place. It would be nice, I think, to be seen for once. It’s always the empathetic, pretty, upper middle-class girls that are noticed. What makes them so different to me? I don’t think I’m a bad person. I think of bad things, but I never say them outright. That’s what this account is for. This is where I can say my bad things, or the things I am truly feeling. I wonder how long I will continue this for. I’ve never been good at sticking at something for long.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

the feminine urge to smoke a cig and then just kms idc

Falling: Rambling #21

21st April 2022, 21:52

Do you know what I would really love to do? It’s like an itch beneath my skin that I cannot scratch. I really want to climb to the top of a really high building, a skyscraper, and simply fall off. I want to soar through the sky. I want to feel my hair flapping around me. My clothes thrashing in the wind. I want to fall and fall and fall, but I never want to hit the ground. I don’t want it to end. Just falling, falling, falling. Falling as fast as a bullet. I would smile, and I would outreach my arm. My fingertips would stretch upward towards the sky. And I would be so content. A paradise. A haven that I am weightless. I am free from pain, free from gravity. I am simply free. Falling and falling. Existing in the nonexistent. The place that one who was not supposed to exist should be.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

“The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are left unsaid and never explained.”

— Jonathan Harnisch 

When did "Suicide is still an option" become a comforting thought ?

Love: Rambling #9

18th April 2022, 00:35

There is this girl that I love. She knows that I love her. I met her last summer, and I have loved her since the day we met. She is kind, funny, and she genuinely cares about me. The problem is, this girl lives in Ukraine. She lives in Kharkiv and is directly impacted by the war. I am so terrified something is going to happen to her. For your information, I live in Scotland. However, there are a lot of controversial thoughts I have about this girl. I’ll list them:

1. She’s 17. I don’t really care. 16 is the legal age in the UK. I am 20. The problem is, I like people who are older than me (preferably 25+). I can tell that she is still immature. I can see my 17 year old self in her mannerisms. It’s weird, though, because I’m jealous of her age. I feel like I’m mentally stuck at 17 and I haven’t grown up since. I think this is because I was isolated since I was 14, so I never got the opportunity to socialise and grow up. I know I will forever be 17. I suppose a good thing is that she is taller than me. I like that in a partner, too.

2. She’s very talented. She is brilliant at music and can draw wonderfully, too. Of course, I’m impressed by this and I like to see her work, but at the same time, I am jealous and it makes me feel insecure. I started guitar when I was 4. I was called a prodigy by my guitar instructor, but I never progressed. I was forced to work at the level of my peers. Now, I am only average at guitar. This girl, she attended a musicians school. It’s the same for her art. I bet her parents paid for her to be tutored. Either that, or she had so little worries that she had time to practice properly by herself. I had to work for a living, I didn’t get time to work on the things that I loved. Plus, I’ve never had a damn art lesson in my life. I have so many things that I want to draw, but I can’t draw for the life of me. I know it is just practice, but I don’t have the energy or the time to practice. I keep saying I’ll practice in summer, but we all know how that ends up.

3. She’s not serious. I want to flirt with her. Whenever I do, it’s always brushed off with a joke. It’s frustrating. I want her to smirk at my words. I want her to feel flustered. I want her to make me feel the same. I want to feel that ache in my chest when she says something hot. Not even sexual, just romantic or flirtatious. Though, I really do like making out. I want to make out with her, but that’s something I cannot suggest because it will scare her away.

4. She is asexual. Don’t get me wrong, I support people who are asexual, but fucking hell. What am I supposed to do? I’m not asexual. I want to touch her. I want to trace her body. I want to kiss the back of her neck. I want to make her stare at me while I walk. I want her to feel me. I want her to love every aspect of me. And, again, not even sexually. I want to skim her body like ripples on the ocean. I want to count the freckles on her skin. I want to see her nude to appreciate the beauty of her body. I can’t ever ask for something like this because she in asexual, and I cannot stand rejection. I still have hope that she will change, or that I can turn her sexual, or that she just hasn’t tried being sexual with a ‘female’ before. When I was 17, I thought I was asexual, too. I hope this is just a phase. I want her to love me. Love me hard.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

All my relationships are temporary.

I've never had a long time friend, no one has even been around me for more than a few years. I don't miss them, I have no drive to keep in contact.

I lose interest and move on, even the people I know now, I have no motivation to talk to them. Despite the fact I could keep the friendship alive. It just, feels like a dead weight.

Seeing people talk about the relationships they have, their close companions, people they trust and actually know. I'm not human, not in the way other people are.