I Am Exhausted To The Point Of Aggression

I hate how the antisocial dial being cranked up to full volume makes me have the urge to claw my way out of my own skin. Everything is unbearably boring, annoying, or just not enough for me when I'm like this. Something I don't like happens? Rage. I manage to actually enjoy something? I have to bleed it dry in an attempt to feel satisfied. I won't be.

It's extremely hard to care about anything I say or do, and my ability to mask drops to just about nothing.

- Rift

— Clarice Lispector, from “The Hour of the Star.”

Daddy Issues: Rambling #10

18th April 2022, 00:46

Rambling 10. How coincidental that I write about my father on the same number that is my birthday. Anyway, I have a problem that is very taboo. It concerns incest. I believe my father may have molested me as a child, but I cannot remember. My father did a lot of sketchy, sexual things when I was younger, but I can never remember them directly. My sister believes the same. It can’t just be my imagination. He did something, I just wish I could uncover what. I know it is my brain protecting me, but I just crave to know. I hate being none the wiser to things. I digress, that’s not the fucked up part. The fucked up part is now, whenever I’m masturbating, I picture my father raping me when I’m a child of maybe 6 or 7 years old. I like to pretend he’s touching me and comforting me that it’s “okay” and that “what I’m feeling is normal”. I pretend that he gets hard at the thought of me. I know what his penis looks like, I remember it hanging out his boxers when he was sleeping. I also remember momentarily touching myself to the sight of it, but stopping from the taboo. I don’t know what it is about my father that turns me on. I know it’s definitely a stockholm type of symptom, a consequence of sexual abuse, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m not attracted to my father. He’s fat and ugly. Nothing, not a single thing, about him is attractive to me. Still, I can’t stop thinking about him overpowering me, or putting his penis in me while I’m sleeping. Whenever I have these thoughts, and especially if I cum to them, I have to wash myself afterwards. Sometimes I wash myself so many times that my skin turns red and blotchy. I feel disgusting. I feel like he has taken my virginity and yet, to my knowledge, I’m a virgin. Why is my mind corrupted by him like this? I haven’t seen him in years. The power he has over me is astounding. I wish he would just die both physically and inside my head. Leave me alone. Leave my body alone. I was just a child. I didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve this.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

feeling miserable because your hungry>>>>>>feeling miserable because you ate

girl i am so deeply unhappy

my mom: you have to find different coping skills than cutting

me: so how about not eating

"be like a star,

distant and dying"

Contradiction: Rambling #3

16th April 2022, 23:53

I am a walking contradiction. I am in constant battle with myself. Sometimes I’m a boy, sometimes I’m a girl. Sometimes I’m a top, sometimes I’m a bottom. Sometimes I’m attracted to boys, sometimes I’m attracted to girls. Sometimes I want to get better, sometimes I want to see how worse I can get. Sometimes I want to be a good person, sometimes I want to kill people. Sometimes I am empathetic, sometimes I am apathetic. Sometimes I feel like the smartest, most beautiful person alive, sometimes I feel nothing short of a disgusting failure. That’s why my username is tokidokioki (sometimes okay). These are just a few examples among many. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I two faced? Do I have multiple personalities? A split personality? It is because I am a gemini? I feel like I’m faux, like I am an imposter. I don’t feel like I have a real personality because I’m always switching and swapping between things. I just want to know who I am. Who am I? What am I?

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)