On Art And Suffering

Falling: Rambling #21

21st April 2022, 21:52

Do you know what I would really love to do? It’s like an itch beneath my skin that I cannot scratch. I really want to climb to the top of a really high building, a skyscraper, and simply fall off. I want to soar through the sky. I want to feel my hair flapping around me. My clothes thrashing in the wind. I want to fall and fall and fall, but I never want to hit the ground. I don’t want it to end. Just falling, falling, falling. Falling as fast as a bullet. I would smile, and I would outreach my arm. My fingertips would stretch upward towards the sky. And I would be so content. A paradise. A haven that I am weightless. I am free from pain, free from gravity. I am simply free. Falling and falling. Existing in the nonexistent. The place that one who was not supposed to exist should be.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

something mildly annoying about someone expressing emotions so much. be hollow.like me . wdym ur happy no ur not

It shouldn't be humanly possible to feel this low and alone.

Tfw you’re so pathetic that Someone using a particular tone of voice means you’ll spend the rest of the night hiding from yourself and feeling like you’re on fire

I do not wish to be known.

I want to move far away, to be a stranger in a new place. To experience life without anyone knowing me.

I want to be myself, and I can't do that with people. I feel much more alive when I'm alone.

“What if I slept a little more and forgot about all this nonsense.”

— Franz Kafka

the reason why I haven't killed myself yet is

is

um

is

— Fernando Pessoa , from “The Book of Disquiet.”

History Essay: Rambling #8

18th April 2022, 00:21

I’m proud of myself for once. I’ve written 1,000 words of my essay and I still have a week before it needs to be submitted. I’m never like this. I usually take two extensions on my essays so that I get two extra weeks to write (and then leave it until the day before it’s due still). My psychologist says it is ADHD. I think it’s just laziness, no motivation, and exhaustion. I don’t find things fun anymore. I have such a short attention span. I can’t even watch a 10 minute YouTube video without growing bored. It’s like growing up has sucked the colour from my life. Everything is grey. Food tastes like cardboard. The sun never shines. It is a permanent winter. I know the only reason I am doing my essay early is because I have so many other assignments I have to submit, but I am still proud of myself for actually doing it. The essay is about hierarchy and stratification in pre-modern Korea. It’s actually quite interesting. I’ve learned about the kolp’um system (bone ranks) and the yangban system (basically scholars). It was an amalgamation of aristocracy and bureaucracy. The funny thing is, I love to learn. I’m an intelligent person and doing nothing all day is boring and draining for me. Yet, I can never find the energy to actually study. Once again, I am a walking contradiction, and I just want to smash my head through a glass window.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)