Unstableflames

I feel like neither a child nor an adult. I am a botched, failed creature, combining the worst qualities of each. All the helplessness and dependency of a child, with the cynicism and despair of an adult. My mind is stunted, malformed. My body outgrew me and now I wield it clumsily, hitting others with my overgrown arms as I stumble over my own feet. "I am sorry," I say, "But I was treated as something less than human and that is what I've become."

May Sarton, Journal of a Solitude

I keep getting harassed for my abusive past actions even though i'm trying my best to recover and said sorry, it makes me feel sometimes like I'm unfixable and just destined to be a monster forever, and that I deserve to feel in pain, how do I move on from that?

You aren't a monster or incapable of change. All you can really do though is keep your side of the street clean; keep doing better, and give yourself grace. We are allowed to be kind to ourselves, even when no one else is. We can't change the past, and we can't change how it affects other people, nor their response to what happened. I know it's a sucky thing to accept, and accepting that doesn't make any of those permanent, dehumanizing judgements true.

You are who you are today; not who you were before you learned better. Set boundaries as you need to, and remember there will always be people who will support and love you. People are complicated and far from perfect. There is a future for you, and that future can be bright and peaceful. Just stick around and keep going, and you'll find it. ♡

Guilt over being alive

Yohji Yamamoto - Talking to Myself // Richard Siken - Little Beast // xxxxxxxxxxx // Claudia Rankine - Don't Let Me Be Lonely // John Green - Turtles All The Way Down

Ptolemaea - Ethel Cain

“Everything is burning, my soul, body, outside, inside, heart, flesh. Do you understand? Do you really understand?”

María Casares, from a letter to Albert Camus written c. March 1952

anecdote of the pig, tory adkisson // achilles & partoclus // house of dragon, 1x07 // plainwater, anne carson // the truth about forever, sarah dessen // lighthousekeeping, jeanette winterson

Why try to fit in when I can become the most offputting and haunted individual in the family bloodline.