Changes - Blog Posts

I used to (and still do sometimes) think like this. So I started taking the initiative to say /anything/ and if the conversation continues, I take it as they were thinking the same thing and I broke them out of their shell. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm an introvert, so I don't always have the energy to do this... But since I've started it, I've met a lot of interesting people and heard a lot of interesting stories. Not to mention the old friends I've stated talking to again. It's been great and it's a real confidence boost. The more I do it, the easier it gets. :) Try it sometime ~

i always think “if people want to talk to me they will” which is my reasoning for never really starting conversations so i’m permanently thinking no one wants to talk but what if they’re sat there thinking the same and it’s just this cycle of silence that never gets broken because i’m too stubborn to just put myself out there 

i think i've decided to change my blog into a writing-centred blog,,, will be making major changes around my profile and deleting a lot of my posts :')

i will only keep the drawings that are related to what i want to do, i suppose, and that probably includes fandoms that im not really active in anymore.

Welcome to the machine.

Hello, I moved! I've been using this time to settle in and rest lots 🙂 I'm learning that big changes leave me extremely anxious, but I try to remind myself that, as uncertain things are, brighter and happier memories can/will be made soon. I hope you all are doing okay in the meantime.

REFORMATION

Holding on tightly to mamma's finger,

Our first fear was getting lost in the crowd

Then we grew up,

Held many other hands and let go of some

Slowly we saw our fear change

From getting lost to feeling lost amidst a crowd.

As a kid, we woke up in the middle of the night,

And then didn't go back to sleep

Thinking there might be demons under our bed

But as an adult,

it's harder to get any sleep

Because demons moved from under our beds to inside our heads.

(18.11.20)

.99¢ green bell pepper quickly becoming a $1.29 yellow bell pepper. I love it when that happens.

Cloudy evening @somewhere on the highway #pullover #and #click #cloudy #cloudsky #shades #of #nature #tricolor #sunset #raysoflight #dusktilldawn #eveningsky #roadtripping #roadtrip #2016 #hyderabad #to #chennai #cloudscape #natureporn #natureperfection #everyday #changes #shadesofblue #explore #andhrapradesh (at Ongole)

I feel like the sun is setting on my life

We had dreams that were worth dying for

Why I Can’t Bring Myself to Tell My Friends I Love Them

I used to tell my friends that I loved them all the time. If I saw them doing something I thought was cute, or if they made an awesome joke, or if they tried their hardest on something, or when I would get the occasional rush of gratitude for them, I would tell them. Love was meant to be expressed when they were still there to receive it, and love was meant for everyone. I wanted everyone to know that love was meant to be given liberally.

Back when my ex best friend cared about me, she was so supportive. She would tell me that there was good in the world and there were things to be living for, and she would always be so happy and in love with life. She was a small person, with a round face and the warmest hugs, and she would tell me that I was worth it. That I was worth loving, that I was amazing, that I made her life better. My second new best friend does that too. She does all of that. They’re different people, but in terms of what they provide me they’re nearly the same, and in terms of appearance, they look similar. And that scares me because there’s a reason my ex best friend is no longer my friend, and to see the same feelings start for someone similar is terrifying.

When I finally acknowledged my first best friend after moving on from the last one, I noticed she was giving me everything my ex best friend couldn’t, but I was resigned to the idea that she wasn’t as verbally or physically affectionate. I still love that best friend, but those are my love languages, and I don’t usually get them from other people. And then my second best friend came into my life and gave me exactly what I wanted and needed that was missing from my first best friend. But now there’s a problem. Because my first best friend isn’t very verbally affectionate, she probably wouldn’t like it if I told her I love her, and even if she did, I would be opening up to her too much and that might push her away. My second best friend would absolutely love it if I told her I loved her, but I’m too worried that I’ll put all my energy into that friendship only to slowly realise that I’m not getting anything back.

I want to love them. I do love them. And I always thought it was a cliché motivation when a character was like “I’ve been hurt before and I don’t want to be hurt again”, but that is exactly how I feel and I couldn’t even trust my second best friend when she told me that she would always care about me because that’s what I told my ex best friend and now I hate her with a burning passion. I hate songs like “Night Changes” or “The One That Got Away” because they remind me that something you think will be infinite could end within a moment, and I hate reading fanfics where characters end up far away from each other with no possible way of regaining the relationship they had before and/or in canon because that’s the truth of life. People will come and go and you can’t do anything about it. Love is never going to be enough if it’s only going one way. Life isn’t a show where everything comes full circle; there are going to be loose ends and regrets and there will be no consolation or closure and everyone leaves eventually no matter how much you or they care. I love my best friends now but if I admit it to them then it solidifies the idea that there’s something to lose, and I can’t stand that. I don’t want to be hurt again. Despite how genuine my best friends may be right now, there will be a day where they don’t care. I don’t want to reach that day. I don’t want it to continue to that point. I don’t want to tell them I love them.

Renaming blog

Hi

I decided i want to rename this blog and my studio from Nava and Mantyi respectively to Chapa

Why? Because it's my nickname in some online games. It's familiar to me and i think it sounds better than Nava or Mantyi

In the next few days i'll be renaming this blog, my itch.io and github account and creating a new youtube channel. I already renamed my discord account

Now i'm CHAPA

Also i'm going to release beta 0.0 next week

New links: itch.io, github, new youtube channel

Summer changes

Hi there!

It's summer (wow!) which means i'm not studying. But this doesn't mean i'll develop my game more often because i want to rest like a normal person.

Before the release of 1st interim i spent every day developing to release it as soon as possible. Now i'll rest more but try to maintain a frequency of one post per week.

I also thought i'll learn javascript to create a web-site for my game and multiplayer based on it. But now i realize more likely i'll just rest: walk outside and play games (maybe even read books!).

Have a nice summer and good luck!

Changes

Being told you look happier than before is probably one of the best compliments that I have been given🥰

Moving Month

This October is going to be a whirlwind! My monster and I are moving to our new home! With birthdays, our wedding anniversary and Halloween on the docket… it’s safe to say my paws are full!

I will still post here and there but this month may be quiet compared to others!

Thank you all for your amazing support, comments and follows! I hope you all take care of yourselves and have a wonderful spooky season!

~Spooki🖤