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Bro, psych analysis stat: why does my mom telling me I have “almost all A’s” in a happy voice make me sad.
Me From 12 Hours in the Future: the answer is obvious but if you want extra details, look below the cut!
Ideas:
• Probably because she’s saying it as a reason I shouldn’t be sad, not as a compliment. Unless I’m crazy. That sounds crazy
• Because I was wearing a towel straight out of the shower and she hugged me. And then I sat down still in the towel. And I hate my body.
• Combination of the two — feeling sad as hell for not being better? Guilty because I’m not perfect, and then feeling twice as guilty for being sad about it on a good day?
• Graduating college makes me stressed
• I have to send emails about it — the grades website says they’re problems with my degree. Which is scary. And my mom doesn’t treat it as scary, which might be why I feel crazy for crying. …..and really, why would there be problems when I have every requirement and I have straight A’s? And a B+. So from now unto forever it will be “almost all A’s.” Oh!!! That got a tear!! Fuck I need to get over myself
Conclusion: crying and feel like an ass for crying, because what do I have to be sad about. Damn it I’m going NUTS!!! Psychology enthusiasts, if there is anything to be mined from this, go ahead.
Conclusion^2 from 12 hours in the future: you’re a perfectionist. Also you’re scared because you’re graduating.
Conclusion^2 but more of an overall look at the nature of the beast ( I’m trying so hard not to put a diagnosis on the behavior, because it makes the behavior easier to dismiss as a “symptom” instead of a problem in-and-of-itself that needs to be mitigated ):
I cried because you found out about the email thing yesterday, literally bawling the minute you heard something might be wrong. And cried after this Almost A’s thing, because I couldn’t find something important that my mom put away, even though I’m 100% certain that it’s somewhere at home. Both times in front of my mom right before Mother’s Day. Hhhhh. Why does unhappiness and stress take itself out on other people? It’d be fine if it only hurt me — which it does, goddamn it does — but why the fucking A.O.E. blast on people that care about me.
Going forward: …. I made this blog to post Sakura fanart. Any if anybody reads this, will this be Sakura fanart? No. ……….. UNLESS. SAKURA MENTAL ILLNESS POST!!