Mh - Blog Posts

i feel so disconnected from myself and my life, it kinda feels like im on autopilot or smth

life doesnt feel very real or tangible, it feels distant

feeling really crap.

sorry to messages and stuff i havent replied to yet, ive read it all and appreciate it i promise

i have such a complicated relationship with the word “goals.”

i grew up constantly being asked what my goals or ambitions are for my life. i had answers when i was younger, id come up with different jobs all the time.

but as i got older - and sicker, i found it increasingly hard to feel encouraged by having goals.

it felt more like a weight that i wasnt able to carry, like i was carrying a massive burden on my back with everything going on in my life, and then i was expected to pretend like that burden wasnt there, and to jump up as high as everyone else who didnt have that burden.

as i continued to get sicker (to the point i had to leave school early) the questions of goals never stopped, and that was deeply confusing for me.

my goal was take care of myself, that was it. but that never seemed to be enough for people.

i would answer saying “im just trying to take care or myself and heal at the moment.” and they would ask me again, “but what are your life and career goals?”

why is taking care of myself not a good enough goal?

so now as i am in less of a crisis stage of life, im starting to open myself up to more “career and life goals.”

but thinking of goals is incredibly hard now.. i find myself feeling sick with anxiety thinking about even simple goals.. and i think im just really terrified of “failing” again and having to quit like i did with school.

i also feel like i have spent many years now trying to gain a healthy relationship with rest, with healing, with not being what society deems as “productive,” that i feel a bit uneasy about returning to more “productive” goals.

i dont want to lose what ive learnt over my time healing, i dont want to pressure myself too much to go back to being a “productive member of society.”

there are things i want to achieve in my life, of course there are. i dont lack motivation, in fact i have a really hard time having enough time and energy to do all the things im really eager to do.

its just that i have such a complicated relationship and past with the normal path that society wants people to take in life, im scared of losing myself, and failing in re-engaging in such things.

lately if im not constantly occupying my brain i spiral.

my mind is exhausted from the constant stimulation but i dont know what else to do.

healthy coping looks different for everyone right, but i really wish it was easier to figure out what was right for me without all this trial and error stuff 😭

society would be so much better if everyone just admitted they wanted a teddy bear.

none of this “its childish” crap. you wanna give a squishy fluffy bear a hug i know u do.

admitting it is the first step to emotional maturity mhm.

ive been avoiding my shower for months (been using literally any other shower) but i finally used it today and i didnt even cry so i think 2025 is going pretty good so far fingers crossed everybody manifest tysm

i find it interesting the overlap of c-ptsd symptoms with autistic traits.

i get asked all the time if im autistic. i even started questioning it myself just from how often this happened to me.

but while yes i have a lot of symptoms that are a part of many autistic peoples experiences, i wasnt always this way. i developed these symptoms throughout my childhood as i went through more and more trauma.

i remember when i wasnt sensitive to noise, light, etc. i remember when my social abilities were practically the same as my neurotypical peers. i remember when i never needed to carry stim toys everywhere i went. just to name a few.

anyways, i have so much in common with my autistic friends. while we arent the same, we get each other on a level that i havent found with many neurotypicals. ive also found that i often gravitate towards autistic people without meaning to.

i think its nice that we can find community where we didnt really expect it.

i feel like rewording these in some situations could be helpful.

the way that these are often phrased makes them automatically worded negatively: “still” “un-employed” “doesnt” “didnt” it all assists in the effect of the insult, when none of these things are inherently negative or wrong.

this isnt to say you should have to reword these facts. but you can, if you want to start re-scripting the way people see your life, possibly including yourself.

saying just, “i live with my family.” instead of “still” implies it as more of a statement than a complaint. also saying “family” instead of “parents” may help in some situations as it puts you all on the same level, saying parents makes some people think you are being childish, when in fact you are all adults.

when it comes to “unemployed.” its a bit tricky. if you are searching for work, you can easily just switch it out for “im searching for employment.” or if you are studying instead say that. but if you are like me - where neither of the above apply, you can try things like “im working on my health.” or “im trying to discover my passions.” etc.

“doesnt have …” or “didnt do …” can easily be changed to “i chose my health” “i chose a different path” or “it wasnt right for me.” these are all options to switch it from something you failed at, to the thing that you prioritised or can do instead.

Can we stop using "still lives with their parents" or "unemployed" or "doesn't have a drivers license" or "didn't graduate high school" as an insult or evidence that someone is a bad person? Struggling with independence or meeting milestones is not a moral failing.

i really want to reapproach the way i see success.

i think ive slowly been doing it for a few years now, but theres definitely more i can do.

i always think of it in the grand life goal kind of way.

but it doesnt need to be that..

and for me, i really wanna see if i can find things in my day-to-day life that are, a success.

did i put myself out of my comfort zone that day trying something new?

did i take a deep breath and calm my thoughts before getting frustrated at somebody?

did i show care to myself even when i felt unworthy of life?

did i do anything where if i was reading a book about me. would i be proud of the bee on that page?

because the answer is probably yes most days. but im not treating myself as if thats the case.

im so harsh to myself and i know this. i give grace to others where i would never for myself.

i just want to treat myself gently.

so cheers to small successes, the steps forward even when theres also steps backward..

and to not just treating others the way we want to be treated, but treating ourselves that way too.

today i got triggered, and i took care of myself.

i made all the healthy choices, and then i felt better.

and for that im really proud of myself.

its okay to mourn.

its okay to mourn the childhood you could’ve had.

its okay to mourn the career you could’ve had.

its okay to mourn the children you could’ve had.

its okay to mourn the education you could’ve had.

its okay to mourn the friendships and social life you could’ve had.

its okay to mourn the hobbies you could’ve had.

its okay to mourn the travel you could’ve had.

its okay to mourn the life you could’ve had.

nobody gets to tell you that you need to cheer up.

alright lets get this out of the way.

school bathrooms should be unlocked during school ALWAYS

school children should be allowed to go to the bathroom ALWAYS

school children should NEVER have to ask to go to the bathroom, just tell the teacher that they need to go

schools should NEVER question a child on why they need the bathroom

schools should NEVER make jokes about how often a child uses the bathroom

schools should NEVER get angry at children for using the bathroom

NEVER should a teacher approach a child about their bathroom usage.

if there is a concern or problem with a childs use of the bathrooms, the school should speak to their parent or have a meeting involving the parents and the principle.

if there is misuse of the bathrooms, the school should speak to their parent or have a meeting involving the parents and the principle.

you never know what children could be dealing with, whether they have bladder issues, gi issues, mental health issues or other disabilities. some children may be using the bathroom to hide from bullies, or they may have addiction issues.

it doesnt matter. its shouldnt be the teachers job to police toilet usage. only when there is an issue should limits or supervision be put in place, AFTER meeting with their parents and potentially the student to figure out the reasons for such issues.

i know this is really controversial but im really sick of horror stories from kids like me who dealt with the shit that is school bathrooms

its really confusing when youve had a traumatic childhood, but your adult life has been really traumatic too.

because on the one hand i have so much nostalgia for my childhood and i long for it, but on the other hand it really wasnt that great.. i just had less responsibility for my health.

i feel like im constantly searching for when i felt safe, but im not even sure if there was really a time where i truely felt safe.

i think thats why i love engaging with media from my childhood so much, its what helped me escape as a kid and im still running after that feeling.

feeling so utterly sick of life, i dont know how to keep myself aflame when it feels like everything wants to put me out.

anyone else ever think about where they would be if they werent sick?

couldve graduated high school, couldve gone to university, couldve had a job, travelled, practiced my skills regularly, chased my passions..