Note To Me - Blog Posts

Emotional Border Letter - Derya's promise to herself

You don't need to understand anymore.

It's not for you to weigh, measure, question the feelings I'm experiencing.

I opened up to you, I wanted you to hear my voice.

But every time you tried to pull me into your story.

By ignoring my story.

Now I am silent. But this is not a defeat.

This silence is not an escape.

It's a limit.

It's my right to protect myself.

It's my right to choose my inner peace.

This is my determination to stand on my own side from now on.

Keep everything that is rightfully yours.

I will no longer carry burdens that are not mine.

I let go of guilt, obligation, shame.

Because I want to walk only with my essence.

I owe only my own heart.

And now I pay that debt:

I forgive, love and protect myself.

This is my inner farewell letter.

Not to you, but to myself, whom I have silenced in the past.

I exist now.

And that's how I'm okay.

-Derya

where am I? now not bodily. Mentally I need to realize where I am at. How am I still breathing above the tide? I sense like I am suffocating in my very own doubts. My very own doubts are to strangle me into some other realm if i'm not careful.

So where does that depart me now? Itching for ink, itching for a experience of comfort. where's my stash? that's what I need. To open that stash, put on that record, and inhale life through a haze that's not me—however a part of me. Yeah, I have gone back on my phrase and who the fuck cares. I need to know who I am and where the fuck I am.

My future self will shake her head in disappointment. And i'm able to shake it together with her— I want a way out, a way in, a place to belong. an area in which I don't experience as if i'm drowning in myself.