Misanthropy, Zoanthropy, So Called Delusionality, And Humanity.

Misanthropy, zoanthropy, so called delusionality, and humanity.

In the end, no matter how much of an accepting community I find, I will never fit in.

I am what you would call a clinical zoanthrope/CLCZ. I am labeled by humanity as a delusional human who believes he is an animal. Recognized psychiatrically.

Or rather,

When I was a young calf, I was captured and had my body twisted into a terrifying, foreign shape. I had been mistreated and taken captive.

However, humanity labels my experiences as delusions. I get called crazy, my own past is actively dismissed by humans and therians alike. I get told to "shut up and take my medication".

The medication which only degraded my body, yet never took the pain away. Which ruined me, yet never took my memories away.

I get told that I'm "insane, and need to be locked in a hospital" yet, I have already been locked away. I have been considered a "threat to myself and others". I have been called insane, I have been called dangerous due to a "delusion". Even when the so called "delusion" was me speaking up about my past, and what has been done to me.

I am a killer whale. We have been captured, tortured, kept captive, and hunted for decades. We were mistreated for decades. Yet, even today, the ones who did this continue to get away with it. And I am no different. The ones who have done this to me will forever get away with it, and I'll never receive justice.

I made peace with it. I made peace with the fact that I'll forever have to censor and hide my experience behind a big sign that reads "delusional and crazy".

I have had multiple diagnoses placed upon me, just to further install the idea that I'm "insane".

Because, what's better than coming forward and admitting your mistakes? Making the victim feel ostracized and crazy.

But, I have made peace with those facts. However, when I discovered the therian community, what I wished for is to finally have a place where I can belong. A place where I can speak freely about my own trauma, a place where I won't be censored for simply saying what I am.

I was wrong.

At first, I saw just how many of animals like me were just as shunned as we would be by the humans. How many of them were called insane, labeled as "psychopaths", how much deeply rooted ableism there was towards both those who do experience delusions, and those like me who genuinely have undergone hell. Me and my comrades have spoken about it quite a few times, both publicly and towards each other.

However, while I did receive a lot of support here... Well, I don't feel quite like it. Even whenever I see therians in this community attempt to be supportive towards us.. I still end up hearing things like "zoanthropes are just as valid! They're just delusional, and need to heal!". I still see us being portrayed as crazed, and the belief that in order to fit in, you have to censor and purify yourself for others—enforced. Even here, we have to censor our own experiences and thoughts. When we speak on the distrust we feel towards humanity, we are considered "disgusting, misanthropic cowards". We are, yet again, shunned away and forced to shut up. I feel that honestly, we'll never have the ability to truly speak up on who we are, and what has happened to us. In the end, we will have to censor our words, tag our posts, and still say that we know we're mentally ill... Even though we only wish to bring light to what has been done to us, and what is being done to us even now. Truly, we only have each other.

It's incredibly isolating, that the people and therians alike won't understand it. Won't understand what it was like to be ripped away from your family, and forced into a foreign body.. only to then be called delusional.

Of course, it comes without saying.

I do not hate every human. I cannot hate every individual human, because everyone is different. It wasn't all humans who did this to me.

Yet, as my friend Kala mentioned, just how many humans supported what was done to us? Just how many people funded the facilities that hurt us? How many people still continue to support the torture we experience? Just how many humans will always brush us off as insane and in need of help?

It's not every human, but it was always a human that hurt us. Never have I been hurt by a fellow animal. Never.

It was the humans who captured my kind, it was the humans who slaughtered my fellow cetaceans, it was always the humans who have hurt my dear friends... It's not every human, but it is always a human.

I do not wish to hate humanity. I do not believe myself to be some great being above them. On the contrary. I experience so damn many feelings of inferiority to them. I feel afraid to speak up, I feel afraid to act out of my own will... Because I know. I know that I have to obey the humans. That I have to dance as they play me. That I have to talk as they tell me to.

I do not trust them. I wish I could, but I just cannot. I hide behind so many masks when even interacting with a human. Frankly, you could even say I am afraid of them.

I also wish I could truly return to the wild and be free. Free with my pod, and free from the chains of humanity... But it is not possible, so I'll take anything.

Still, I do hope for a reconciliation with humanity, even if it would be through a few humans. Even if it was only with my trainers when I finally get to return to a tank, to the water.

I will also be much more honest and transparent about my experiences. What I can do, Is try not to conform at least a bit. I am tired of being told what to do. It's time for me to stop impressing the humans, the "human but not quite", therians, and everyone else. I just wish to be myself.

I'll continue to be good for the humans, and when the time comes, return to the water with my friends, and swim forever.

If you're reading this, and you share the sentiment, trust me. One day, we'll see the water again. We'll step in, and won't ever look back.

- sincerely, Ike.