Latest Posts by duracel-battery - Page 5
my sister: *recalls something from our childhood*
me, a known ADHD: memories aren't real. nu-uh. show me a memory. that's not a memory! what's a memory? who let you in here?
people are always like 'wow! i want to take a look inside your head to see how your brain works!' like, you fool, its the adhd
exercise? you mean when i run up and down my stairs? how am i supposed to do that to a demon?
me: wait wait wait what was JFK's first name again?
my friend: idk... wasn't it Johnnedy Kennedy?
messenger: all of your kids and cattle are dead
job: this is so sad, alexa play "hallelujah"
me, pointing to directions for a lab: i can't read this!!! i'm illiterate!!!
my friend: didn't you finish a 500 page book in a day once?
me: my past does not define me.
my friends and i were talking about what element benders we would be in atla and i almost joked 'lol just take a quiz like the rest of us' but then i realized the quiz would be like
which do you like most:
- swimming
- a cool breeze on my face
- the snap and crackle of a campfire
- shoveling dirt into my mouth
me: god i'm so glad my lungs don't lick each other
my friend: i want to do a case study on you
i've decided to give up ADHD for lent.
people: love and sex is what makes us human!!!
me: oh really? then explain this!
do you ever make a pretty clever joke but nobody understands because they have no idea what you're talking about?
because i just said to someone after realizing that i was a fool "i need to buy an egg because apparently im a clown" and instead of being like 'oh ha ha bc thats how you copyright a clown look!' they said 'i told my dad about this and he's concerned'
im unappreciated in the greater scheme of things, smh
people find out that i usually put bugs outside instead of killing them and go like 'oh my god! you're so sweet and kind!' like; no fucker, i'm afraid of bug ghosts.
just found out that the reason Omega is a girl is because her mutation took on a more extreme form or something and NOT because she's trans like i initially thought. doesn't make much sense but pop off i guess.
i told my sister that "i might fuck around and watch that one gay episode of (star wars) rebels" and she immediately knew what i was talking about
my sister: i love you
me: i'm watching a cinnamon toast crunch ad
opposing lawyer, pointing at me: you're a MURDERER
me: murderer??? i hardly know her!
jury: *laughs*
my lawyer: please give her the death penalty.
me: are you liking clone wars
you, an unsuspecting fool with good, but predictable taste: yeah, obi-wan is my favorite!
me: i figured.
you: ???
me: i figured you'd obi-wanT DEEZ NUTS IN YO MOUTH
the aro agenda is [REDACTED]
this is a warning to all [REDACTED] the aromantics are coming to [REDACTED] your [REDACTED] and if we have our way you'll never see a living turtle again.
welcome to aromantic awareness week everyone, to start i would like to call out my younger self who justified not having crushes by saying "ugh i know them too well, i can't have a crush on them now" and my knowledge of how crushes work still hasn't changed!
i think my life is slowly becoming a game of 'how many queer stereotypes can i fulfill'
for those who don't know what christians do during their little youth gatherings and confirmation stuff, we summon a demon in an empty parking lot at night and fist fight it in an initiation ceremony
the week after today is aromantic awareness week! which will make spy work more difficult but we can do it.
writing prompt bc i don't know what to do with it -
an alien comes down to earth and has to blend in and seem human (you know what i mean, they're gathering info or something) and to prepare themselves they watch stuff on youtube to get a lay of the land and culture. problem is they only watch videos from those shitty life hack channels like five minute crafts and, more importantly, troom troom and watch those my story animated type videos to create what they think is a plausible human back story. they then move into a human apartment complete with human roommates and pretend to be human to gather information on the human life experience.
maybe they're an alien scientist trying to study humans and their culture or something.
have i seen the book of boba fett? did you mean 'local man adopts several cybernetic children to start a crime family'??? because if so, yes
younger me: my youth invigorates me. i am empowered by my lack of age and it keeps me strong. i can bound over hills in a single leap and my childish energy strengthens my every step. the world is a mystery that i shall uncover with my seemingly endless days for i am young and i shall inherit the earth.
some online game: you have to be 13 to play :/
me: oh but i am woefully old! my age withers my face and seeps into my bones. i have seen time consume whole empires and species but it does not take me. my eyes are old and have seen much. my mind is full of the wonders of the world that i have discovered throughout my time on earth and i have uncovered secrets older than the ageless rocks that scatter the shores. i have seen the dinosaurs walk this land and have seen the first sunrise that graced the skin of the earth.
was thinking about how because the only dance aziraphale can do is the galvonette and crowley can only do some shitty disco dancing their dance at their wedding would be a mess but THEN i realized that they wouldn't just dive in and wing it. no. they'd practice dancing together for weeks in preparation, stepping on each other's toes and bickering over the sound of some demonstrative video that they end up replaying dozens of times
there's such a difference between houses you want to live in and houses you'd want to grow up in and its so weird
i'm tired as fuck and fuck is straight up vIBRATING WITH ENERGY
its weird that im good at spanish considering i'm aromantic