Rihann & Chris Brown Re-uniting

One day I will have this with a man, and this will be our wedding march... lol (The instrumental of course)

The way we damage our kids

One may have the best intentions at heart and still be their child’s biggest bully in life. Why choosing your words wisely does NOT equate to “babying” your child.

We all want what is best for our children. We’re their parents, we love them. So it’s instinctual to want to see them happy, and to protect them. Part of that happiness is teaching them to love themselves unconditionally for who they are. As much, or more so, than you unconditionally love them. To embrace their personality, preferences, style, and sense of self. To ensure they have self-confidence, courage, pride, morals, ethics, respect, and love. 

Too often we let fear over shadow those efforts, and drive us to counter our own efforts. There is a meme constantly cycling through social media that I absolutely love. “We should not teach our children to change who they are to fit into a cruel, hard world. We should teach our children to be the change that makes the world a little less cruel and hard.” Many times we worry so much about what other people will think about how our child looks or acts, that we lecture our children not to be themselves. 

Let me just say this first: Letting your child be “themselves” should not translate into letting your child have free reign over everyone around them. You should not be condoning your child’s behavior if they are running around a store tearing things off the racks\shelves, tripping people as they cut them off to run past without a single apology shouted back at the person they nearly toppled, are throwing things at people, are taking items out the hands of other children without permission from that child to use it first, or are exhibiting any other negative behavior. Being disrespectful, rude, and obnoxious are teaching moments in which you as the parent should be correcting. Not because of what other people may think, but because it is what’s right. 

That out of the way...

Children try at an early age to express themselves. While they are still too young to know anything about the ‘fashion fads’ of the time, or what “the social norm” means, they express their personalities with the things around them. When they are toddlers we think it is the cutest thing to see our son try to dress himself by pulling out a pair of canary yellow shorts, powder blue tee, green socks, any 2 sneakers they find (whether they’re from the same matching pair or not), and Dad’s over sized hat. We’ll take a picture to commemorate the moment and let them strut around the house all day ever so proud of themselves because they performed a ‘big boy’ act. Or nearly split our sides giggling when our daughter tries to make her hair pretty by putting just about every bow or barrette she owns in her hair, pulling on a dress, and stepping into her Mom’s high heals. It is extremely easy to let our children express themselves when they are young and help them embrace their uniqueness. Mainly because we assume they do not know what they are doing and write it off as silly toddler behavior.

The challenge to continuing that message and nurture your child’s ability to express themselves and be comfortable in their own skin, is to continue that happy support after they are school age. (standard kindergartner age is 5) If your daughter asks you to split her hair in half, put the left half into a pony tail and curl it, then put the right half into a french braid because she thinks both styles are super pretty and would love to wear them both at the same time... You do it. Don’t tell her “Honey that will look foolish. I’m not paying for school pics with your hair looking ridiculous” or “No honey, people might laugh at you because your hair looks silly.” Doing so with such terminology emotionally harms the child. A one off on rare occasion will just hurt her feelings by making her feel like the things she prefers, what makes her happy, her desires are foolish and not worth considering. She’ll wonder if anything she likes is worth considering or are people laughing at her instead of with her when they giggle at the site of something she does. Things we may actually be laughing with her on because we think it’s the cutest darn thing every, she will question. If you belittle her unique ideas of expression with such harsh words frequently enough she will start to think she’s not good enough. Her happiness is not important. Her feelings are irrelevant and matter not as a result of the constant shaming such words enforce on her for trying to express her personality. She may even begin to get upset when someone giggles at something she does as a result. She will feel like that giggle is ridicule from the harsh message you have taught her accidentally in your efforts to avoid her being teased at school. She will never believe someone is laughing at her for a good reason and the giggle of cuteness will become a weapon against her self-esteem each time she hears it. Instead of being a reinforcement of her confidence. She may not outwardly express that hurt when someone giggles by speaking up either. Mainly because she has learned to feel like her feelings and requests don’t matter. So why express hurt if happiness is such a crime to express? Your beautiful, playful, little girl will grow to be what society expects her to look and act like, but suffer inwardly with confidence and esteem issues, and will be that much more likely to suffer depression. She may never get bullied in her life at school because she conforms and fits in perfectly as you taught her to, but feel alone inwardly and hate herself. Feel like she’s being bullied at home and thinking you don’t love her half as much as you say you do. She will become that much more likely to go down the wrong path in life, and get mixed up with bad boyfriends who will pick up the torch and emotionally\verbally abuse her.

If you genuinely do not agree with the hairstyle she picked for her school pictures you should talk her into an alternate with respect and positive wording. So she knows you value her idea and think it is a great thing that she wants to express herself so uniquely. Preferably in a compromise that gives her what she wants in a way that wont make her stand out too much in a crowd. “That sounds like a really neat idea princess. I’m a little worried it may be unbalanced. You could get a headache with a pony tail on one side only. How about we split your hair in half by doing a top and bottom style instead of a left and right style? I can make the top half of your hair into pig tails and curl the hair like you want. Then I’ll french braid the bottom half of your hair. It will still be the cutest thing ever and all the girls will think you invented the best hair style.” This way you only see her with pig tails in the school pictures, anyone seeing her walking their way will only see the pig tails, and only the few walking behind her or that look back after she passes will know there is a second style there. (Or if you make the top half a lone pony tail and curl it like she asked, and the bottom a french braid the pony tail be sit over the braid and hide it) And it will actually be a passive enough alternative to a wild style for her to get away with. So you pull off sparing her from being taunted upon arrival at school for her quirky idea, possibly make it better so other girls may actually want to copy it, and she gets her way. Keeping that confidence you did so well those first 5 years to build in tact. ;) 

There is always a positive way to steer your children away from the things you feel society will brand as “over the top” to protect them from ridicule without actually being the one that ridicules them. Children should feel safe in their own homes and in the presence of their parents. They should not feel as if their parents are their biggest bullies and fear doing anything original in front of you. We should be their supporters, not their haters and harshest criticizers.

And hey... if they do get teased by someone for something they chose to do as a means of expressing their individuality. Well... You talk them through it. Comfort them, reassure them, and explain to them that there are people out there in the world that don’t know how to handle things they do not understand. So they say mean things or do mean things because they were never taught by their parents how to positively express their confusion and gain clarity on something. Nor learned how to disagree with someone’s choices that differ from their own in a nice way. Ensure they know that what that person said or did is not their fault, but the fault of the other person and they should not let it get them down. Teach them to over come the hurt, because they will eventually grow up and move out. You can’t be there 24/7 for the rest of their lives to shield them from mean things. Support their emotions and help them learn to rise above and beyond it. Just never be the one instilling it upon them in your efforts to avoid them having to face it.

and...... Karma can be a bitch, but.... I'm on top anyways.

Defines all of my failed relationships of my adolescence and early adult life. So glad I finally grew wise enough and emotionally strong enough to break this chain. :D

Belated "Ground Rules" in a relationship

Unless you're still in Jr High and are dating your first boyfriend\girlfriend ever, you should relate to the immaturity of belated 'ground rules' in a relationship. Seriously... "ground rules" for what each person feels is appropriate behavior, boundaries on types of and\or gender of friends, and how to balance your time evenly between your job\school with your friends & new relationship should all be laid out on the table and made definitive and finite as soon as you both realize you are getting 'serious'. There is nothing that turns me off more then being 6 months to 2 years into a relationship with a guy\girl and all of a sudden BAM!!! Things they were "ok" with are suddenly relationship ending no-no's that must end. o_O???

I'm sure most of us have dealt with the most common of these belated ground rules: No friendships allowed with the opposite sex! (-____-)

WORSE....When its a bias belated ground rule because they themselves have friends of the opposite sex. The infamous 'lil sisters' they love so much. *eye roll*

If you KNEW I grew up as "just one of the guys" and played sports and watch sports now as an adult, and had ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM with me going to watch games at the sports bar or live at the stadium with my guy friends when we met.... You have no business getting pissed about it 4 years later!!! Especially if I proactively chose to tune it down looooong before you started having 'issues' with it out of respect for our relationship, because I'd rather do these things with you then them. If you've met and chilled with these guy friends of mine (and when doing group hangs - their girlfriends) your damn self. You have all their numbers in your own cell phone and they are on your Facebook just the same as they are on mine. Why the sudden insecurity? If I'm down to only seeing them at New Year's parties, annual cook outs they host (and you attend with me) and all of our respective birthday gatherings.... Why have an issue with the occasional Facebook comment saying 'hello' or the even rarer text\phone call. Most comical is when they call me for advice on saving their relationships and you insist they go through you 1st before talking to me about it. 

It's been 2 years since this drama started creeping into our now 6 year relationship, and I've reached the end of my tolerance with him about it. See, it's been my collective experience as the universal "little sister" that all my boys talk to about their problems that this only happens when the following has happened:

The only reason they were cool with the guy friends in the beginning is because they saw you as a jump off or short term GF at first. So they were exploring other options at the time and didn't care if you were doing the same. Once shit got real for them they decided it was time to reign you in before Karma bit them in the ass.

They were genuinely the loving, trusting, great guy they portrayed themselves as in the beginning but something changed. Either 1 of their 'lil sisters' stepped up and confessed feeling for him all this time and it trying to sleep with him. Making him scared you will do the same with 1 of your boys. (This one I feel opens the door to a new realm of issues that I'll save for another blog)

OR: He actually cheated on you recently and now he's worried Karma will bit him in the ass. So he's trying to do damage control by limiting your opportunities to get him back.

Reason 1 & 3 happen most often so I favor thinking, if he hasn't suddenly stopped talking to one of his 'lil sisters' recently as much as he used to... You need to boot his ass out the door!!!

Ladies and Gents... We all just need to be real straight out the gate and stay real. No script flipping halfway into filming the movie. Be honest, be faithful, and BE YOU and stop the bullshit! ;)

My Terror & My Littlest Hero

I took my 8yo daughter, 4yo son, and 7yo niece out onto the trails to ride bikes\scooter through the woods. The kids love riding through the trees, seeing the deer, and stopping at the pond to try and catch a frog. 

About 1.5mls into the trails my niece, Mariah, hits a rock or something on the path and flips over the scooter. She lands on her left knee and has the biggest gash I've ever seen on such a little knee. Blood is streaming and all I can think is 'crap'. My daughter agrees to ride the scooter back to the car while Mariah sits on her bike so I can pull her along. We get about a quarter of a mile from the end of the trail and Alexia falls off the damn scooter and sprains her left ankle. Now I've got 2 girls that can't walk and we're in the damn woods. 

I double, triple, and quadruple check my daughter's ankle is def sprained and she's NOT walking anywhere. Mariah's gash is still steady flowing blood down her leg and she can't bend her knee at all. I've got 2 options:

I leave the scooter, take Mariah piggy back since she's the smallest, and pull Alexia along on the bike the rest of the way. HUGE chance I wont make it as my back is already hurting from pulling Mariah the mile+ so far. (I have 2 bad discs in my lower back, a few cracked vertebrae, and triple scoliosis)

I send my 4yo son to the car to get his dad and bring him back to help me with these girls. 

After a few minutes of pacing the trail weighing my options my son points out a 2 foot wide, worn down semi-path thru a break in the trees about 10 feet from where the girls are. The path opens onto the baseball fields. Four baseball fields that connect to make a massive square field, the playground on the other side of them, a small parking lot, a wall of shrub that separate the playground from the main parking lot & picnic area. I'll have a clear line of sight on him if he takes this route up till he goes around the shrub wall into the picnic area. At which point he will be within eyesight & ear shot of his dad. 

I weigh my options some more and try my hardest to figure out how to get these girls out myself without paralyzing myself along the way. Finally I look at my son and say "Saviant, I need you to do something I dont feel the least bit comfortable with asking you to do." After he says 'ok mommy' I continue: "I need you to walk across this field, to the left of the playground, carefully across the parking lot around the bushes, and into the picnic area. Your papi is napping on a picnic table by the bathrooms. I need you to find him and tell him to bring your stroller here because the girls are hurt, ok?" He tells me with steal courage and a brave face "Ok Mommy I will" Then drops his bike and starts walking. 

Alexia immediately starts to cry in protest, "Please mommy don't make him do this. He's only 4 he could get stolen. Mommy please he's too little!!" I turn to her and say "I know, I don't want to. You're both hurt and neither of you can walk. The trees block you from sight, and the distance stops me from hearing your screams. If I leave you to get help myself any pedophile could stumble across you and hurt you before I get back. There are a bunch of them registered in this area. I can't leave you here. He has to go" My heart aches at the idea I could be sacrificing 1 child to save 2, but I forbid myself to think such a thing again and begin to pray out loud as I watch my son walk across the field. "Please get him to his father and keep him safe." I repeat the prayer again & again with each step he takes to where it sounds more like a chant.

He eventually disappears around the shrub wall and I hold my breath in fear, while continuing my prayer mentally. What felt like an eternity passes when suddenly I hear my car alarm going off. I never felt happier hearing that sound!! They forgot to disarm my alarm before opening the trunk. He found his father, and he was safe!!! It took another 2 minutes before the two of them came into view around the shrub wall and were making their way to us. Saviant pushing the stroller gleefully. I nearly fell to my knees with relief at the sight of him as a tear fell from my eye. My baby was a brave, courageous, hero!!!

We got the girls back to the car and took them for the medical attention they needed. I've never  been more terrified in my life as I was watching my 3 foot tall, 52lb, 4 year old son walk out onto that field and away from my protective reach. Nor have I ever felt more PROUD as I was to see him coming back with help. 

Even the smallest people can have the biggest courage!!!

WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

Italy. The whole country is just rich in history and culture. I would love to tour the whole country. Ireland would be my second option.

Jan 27, 2010 .... Except I didnt get the benefit of "justice"

Truth about parenting

Parenting takes more then just buying your kids gifts on Christmas and birthdays, and calling them several times a week. While money is also needed to pay for their cost of living. Child support payments DO NOT make up for lack of parenting.

Parenting takes love, understanding, compassion, encouragement, mentoring, and TIME. A lot of time to get all of that done for them. Children aren't some magical being that poofs into your life out of thin air and says, "You look like you need some chaos in your life. I'm moving in with you and calling you Dad\Mom". They have no say in when they are made, born, or to whom they are raised. WE make them, WE choose to carry them to term and birth them, WE choose to raise them. Until they turn 18, 16 in some states, they can't walk away from us and raise themselves. So we, as the responsible "adult" should owe up to our choices and actually do them in full. Not in part, or when it's convenient for us to.

Children need us to teach them how to dress, tie their shoes, make a basic (non-stove using) meal\snack for themselves, go potty alone, bath themselves, pick up their room when they are done playing, change the TV themselves, put in a movie on their own, read\write, tell time, count, add, talk, basic social skills, etc. They should be independent by age 13. At which point they need us to teach them responsibility and accountability of their own actions, and finding their way in life. (and now too, how to cook stove using meals) So they can take all that we've taught them in their first 13 years of life and apply them in actual day to day life. So that when they are legally old enough to be accountable as adults, they actually can be productive ADULTS that can support themselves.

Too often in families in which the parents are no longer in a relationship together. The non-custodial parent thinks acknowledging the child's existence is better then walking completely out of their lives like some worse parents do and never seeing or speaking to the child again. They do the bare minimal to be in their child's life and think that entitles them to be called Dad or Mom. NO IT DOESN'T! If you constantly have excuses to not be at school functions, to not be at their rehearsal\practice\games\etc, to not help them with their homework, to not take your child for a day or a weekend, or even a freaking afternoon... You do not deserve to be called anything then by your birth name. If you are nothing more then a paycheck and a phone call then you should be greeted on the phone by your child as "John" not Daddy, or "Mary" not Mom.

A 5 minute phone call to say 'hey how ya doing?' a few times a week makes you nothing more then a family friend. Hell, there are likely to be actual family friends that do more then you if that's all you do. Child support makes you nothing but a financial backer to the child's life. It does not make you a parent. You are not teaching that child anything other then how to be an irresponsible slacker.

Step up your game boys and girls!!! Children do grow up to see you for the worthless person you are to them and resent\hate you for it.

Diversity is human nature

I shook my head and “tsk” at the people who up-roared over the Cheerios commercial. Thought to myself “Why do some people go out of their way to hate?” More to the point “Why do they go even further out of their way to spread their hate and try to convince the masses it is ‘Gods’ will to hate, segregate, oppress, and degrade?” People are not born to hate. Babies do not show disgust or fear towards specific types of people. Nor do they act out towards any specific types of people. If anything, the first time a child is instructed to not associate or communicate with a specific class of person they respond with confusion and request to know why. Hate, in any form is taught. Taught to us by our parents, family, and their churches.

If God created people in his image, than how we are born is how he wants us to be. As it is the true reflection of who his is. Those who carry hate and live to teach it and preach it are the ones going against God. Not those who believe in human equality for all and the right to live how you feel fits you.

Let’s all remember something here. Every book of God was written by MAN. Years after Jesus lived and died. Originally written to preserve the story of Jesus and the words of God as they had been told. We all know how the telephone game works right? I think every child has played it at one point in their life. Things get lost in time and re-told inaccurately.

The scriptures are man’s interpretation of God’s word. His understanding of what God wanted based on the how history was re-told to them at the time they were written. The variations to follow were just yet another man’s interpretation of what God meant for his children. So in all honesty, because Jesus himself never wrote a book to tell us what God wanted for us, no one KNOWS what is wrong or right. What is sin and what is not. What God will forgive us for and what he will not.

Those who preach hate and throw stones (metaphoric or other) at people who live differently than the “good” book says we should be living... THEY may actually be the ones to be judged at the pearly gates. Deemed the true sinners who betrayed God’s will for not being humble, kind, forgiving, loving, and compassionate to all fellow man regardless of skin color, sexual orientation, or if they married before having sex and never divorced. NOBODY KNOWS!! Let me say that again. NO - BODY KNOWS!!! The bibles are not FACT. So drop your stones and just live and let live.

BRAVO to J&J for their latest series of ads!!! You get it!!