Better Than Words

Better than words

A silent Cyrus. A broken TJ. A memory that helps them heal

•••

It’s a cold Friday afternoon, cloudy skies and chilly air, the complete opposite from last week. Cyrus guesses it is fitting, the weather just how he has been feeling lately; gray, dull and sad.

It´s been a week since the costume day fiasco.

The girls’ basketball team practice just ended. While the players walk to the locker room, Buffy looks towards the bleachers, looking for him.

Their eyes meet and he nods his head to let her know he will be waiting for her right outside the gym, as always. He knows she is worried; Andi is too. He has been quiet and has refused to tell them how he feels, because if he does, he knows everything will feel more real. For now, he prefers the numbness.

As he walks through the double doors, he sees someone standing in front of the vending machine. Even though the person is not facing Cyrus and has the hoodie up, he already knows who he is. He thinks about turning around and leave, but for some reason his legs refuse to move. He has been avoiding TJ since last Friday, ignoring his texts and calls, walking away when he finds him on the hallways, he even suspended his social media accounts. He just doesn’t feel ready to hear whatever the blonde boy has to say, not yet. But maybe this is the way the universe wants things to be.

He thinks it is time to get this over with, maybe after today they can finally agree that they´re not friends anymore, the mere thought hurting enough to make his numbness evaporate. With that he takes a few steps forward and stands by the other boy´s side, that is when he notices how down the basketball captain looks; messy hair, bags under his eyes, slumped shoulders.

Right then he lets himself think: Is it possible that TJ feels as miserable as he does? What if the green-eyed guy values their friendship as much as Cyrus does? What if his calls were not to cut ties forever?

He feels guilty now.

He pushes the thoughts aside because having that kind of hope right now can only be dangerous.

Apparently, TJ hasn’t noticed his presence yet. He has this intent gaze, deep in thought, looking at the items on the vending machine as if they will give him the answers he needs.

Without noticing, the smaller boy sighs and that’s when it happens. Their eyes meet and time stops. They stand there, staring at each other, not saying a thing but with longing looks, missing one another even when they are right there, just a few feet apart. How silly! Cyrus thinks. It´s only been a week, but the truth is that it feels like it has been ages since the last time they talked.

TJ´s blinks and his eyes get watery and hands fidgety. He opens and closes his mouth, as if trying to put into words what he wants to say. Cyrus just stands there, waiting in silence.

“I´m so, so sorry Cy” TJ says, his voice heavy with shame, not meeting the brunette´s eyes. “I miss you”

Another quiet minute passes, Cyrus doesn’t know how to answer. He guesses TJ takes the lack of words as a refusal to his ¨apology¨ because what he says next surprises him

“I´m scared” He whispers, his voice soft and fragile.

More silence from Cyrus, he is just at a loss for words. He has never seen his friend this broken. He wants to hug him, comfort him, make his pain go away. But his own pain stops him, he needs to protect himself too.

Cyrus waits for TJ to elaborate, but he stays quiet. He just looks back at the vending machine, with nostalgia written all over his face.

The browned-eyed boy follows his line of sight and his heart skips a beat when he notices what the other boy is looking at.

“Are we going to be ok?” TJ says, shaky voice and uncertainty coloring his features.

Cyrus looks down and thinks about it for a moment. He can feel TJ´s expectant stare on him, noticing his clenched fists too. He makes his decision.

He leaves the room and goes back inside the gym, leaving TJ standing where he found him, with a defeated expression on his face.

After a few seconds he is back, with the backpack he forgot at the bleachers on his shoulder. His friend still glued to the spot where he left him, clearly confused. He unzips his front pocket, takes out a dollar, taps 3 0 7 into the vending machine an waits for it to give him his snack.

For a little while the buzzing of the device is the only sound filling the air. Then the muffled sound of a plastic bag falling.

Cyrus takes it and hands it to TJ.

Cheese Puffs.

TJ takes it and holds it with both hands delicately, as if afraid that it would break. He meets Cyrus ‘eyes and tells him with determination in his voice

“I´m gonna make this right, I promise”. Cyrus just shrugs slowly as a response, his eyes a little bit softer than before.

“Cy, are you ready to go?”. He hears Buffy´s tense voice calling from behind. He nods, still looking at TJ

He lingers for a few moments, then turns around and walks away with Buffy by his side.

TJ stays there, presses the cheese puffs closer to his chest and repeats to himself with a hint of a smile

“I´m gonna make this right”