I Gotta Be Honest Boobs Are So Cool

AU where Gus’s parents do send him to Meitner and Shawn is so distraught and unhappy only being able to see Gus on weekends that he decides it's worth Becoming A Major Nerd and works his ass off to get into Meitner too. The hard part is just focusing enough and getting over his own issues with Oh God I'm Embracing The Genius DAD STOP SAYING YOU'RE PROUD I'M APPLYING MYSELF IT MAKES ME WANT TO STOP, not the actual Being Smart Enough part.

Gus is flabbergasted when Shawn shows up in class. Shawn made sure he got put in the same exact classes as Gus. They become a bit of a nightmare to the staff because they're both Incredibly Intelligent but also Incredibly Chaotic so the teachers KNOW these two are pulling mischief but they CAN'T PROVE IT

The rest of the stuff still happens as in the show with the Shawn running away after graduation and Gus becoming a pharmaceutical rep (alas, college didn't pan out like he'd hoped) and Psych and such- but now when Shawn and Gus investigate the case at Meitner they get invited as lectures because they're former students, and Jules and Lassie are confronted with "They went to the child prgenius prodigy school??? Both of them??? And excelled???? So they're like this on purpose?????"

nightmare -- [b. swan]

Notes: okay so, this is going to be aprox. eleven-ish (counting the epilogue) chapters. It’s going to be a character study plus plot and obviously BAMF! Bella.

summary: 

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YES i want to look hot. NO i don’t want anyone to be attracted to me ever. shocked and appalled that these two things cannot coexist

Bartender: Alright, I need some ID.

Tim “baby face” Drake: No problem.

Jason “Built Like a Fridge” Todd: What the fuck, you’ve never ID’d me before?

Bartender: Because you’re like thirty!

Jason: I’m two years older than him!

Hi, your metas are super interesting, and even if I really enjoy fanon twilight, it's really cool to read opinions based only on canon too!

So my question is about the sexual orientation of the Cullens, do you think they all straight?

For example i saw someone saying that Edward maybe was demisexual and it left me thinking, so i just wanted to know your opinions about it :)

In short, no.

In alphabetical order:

Alice is with a man, but without getting into the mess that is Alice/Jasper here, I don’t think theirs is a particularly physical relationship. I mean, if Alice wanted to get laid, she could just decide to fuck Jasper, enjoy the vision, and bam. Itch scratched. Thanks, Jazz. Alright, I’ll be serious. Alice and Jasper are with each other because the other represents salvation, not so much because of a personal or physical attraction but because of mysticism. So to me that doesn’t really say much about Alice’s preference. All the same I can’t see Alice having a particular preference, she’s too... Alice. Although it is easier to picture her with women. She is also the second half of the Alice/Bella homoerotic extravaganza, which makes heterosexual Alice even more farfetched to me. So, bisexual or lesbian Alice.

Bella shows clear attraction to women as well as men. She’s attracted to Rosalie, Alice, Edward, and Carlisle. I’ll just give you guys quotes: Of the three boys, one was big — muscled like a serious weight lifter, with dark, curly hair. Another was taller, leaner, but still muscular, and honey blond. The last was lanky, less bulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair. He was more boyish than the others, who looked like they could be in college, or even teachers here rather than students. The girls were opposites. The tall one was statuesque. She had a beautiful figure, the kind you saw on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, the kind that made every girl around her take a hit on her self-esteem just by being in the same room. Her hair was golden, gently waving to the middle of her back. The short girl was pixielike, thin in the extreme, with small features. Her hair was a deep black, cropped short and pointing in every direction. (Twilight, page 9) This is the Cullens’ introduction. I won’t spend much time on it, just notice the difference between Rosalie and the others. Rosalie is highlighted in a way Alice is not, and Edward is at first glance only the boyish one of the guys. Rosalie was the Cullen whose beauty immediately stood out to Bella. It was hard to decide who was the most beautiful — maybe the perfect blond girl, or the bronze-haired boy. (sic.) Bella has realized by now that Edward’s a grade A hottie, but she’s still torn between him and Rosalie. Bella then gets to know Alice, and they become friends who take showers together(!). Rosalie may be the most attractive Cullen woman, but Alice is the one Bella gets emotionally close to. We get this in New Moon:  UNNATURALLY STILL AND WHITE, WITH LARGE BLACK EYES intent on my face, my visitor waited perfectly motionless in the center of the halt, beautiful beyond imagining.  (...) I locked my arms around her, gasping to inhale as much of the scent of her skin as possible. It wasn't like anything else—not floral or spice, citrus or musk. No perfume in the world could compare. My memory hadn't done it justice. (New Moon, page 191) Bella never thought she’d never see any of the Cullens again, so for her to be hysterical and ecstatic upon seeing her second favorite is not by itself damning. I’m sure she’d be ecstatic to see Emmett too. It’s that fact that she’d missed Alice’s scent that’s interesting. The scent of her skin was something Bella was aware of before they parted. And while it may be tempting to say “it’s because they’re vampires, Bella’s admiring them like she would a work of art!”, Bella never dwells on Esme, Jasper, or Emmett in this way. Jasper and Emmett especially are not admired beyond the introduction of their characters. We never hear about what any of them smell like, nor does Bella remark upon their beauty after waking up a vampire. Carlisle and Edward, by comparison, are men she keeps noticing. Bella finds Carlisle blindingly beautiful when she first sees him as a vampire, and there’s this from New Moon: Though it erased the sting, it reminded me of the gash, and I watched Carlisle's face carefully to distract me from what his hands were doing. His hair gleamed gold in the bright light as he bent over my arm. (New Moon, page 18) There’s thinking someone is pretty, and then there’s gazing lovingly upon their face instead of pain killers. Bella is bisexual.

Carlisle moved in with a very gay man, had a close relationship with him, lived with him for the sake of his company for decades, and only left because of dietary differences. We don’t know for sure whether they actually had an affair or not, but the fact remains that of all the Cullens, Carlisle is the one who is implied to have had a homosexual relationship in canon. He loses his straight card based on that alone. Also gonna link this clip, because I’m Mac listening to Edward talk about how young Carlisle lived with this sexy Mycenaean Greek for a few decades when he was young. Aro is all the santas. Carlisle is bisexual.

Edward... oh boy. His brain is supposedly seventeen, and yet this very interesting thing happens in his relationship with Bella where he never notices her body. Not ever. By body I mean curves. Edward notices Bella’s skin, her frailty, her humanity. He praises her blushes, her doe-like eyes, her warmth, her softness, her swan-like neck, her delicious scent. The feminine aesthetic. He does not once notice her tits. The only tits he is on record noticing belong to Siobhan, and it’s because she has an impossible to ignore rack: She was profoundly female in shape—aggressively, forcefully female. (Midnight Sun, chapter Probability) It’s one thing for him to be old-fashioned and too quintessentially Edward to even think the word “boob”, but in 700+ pages of Midnight Sun there’s just this absence of this seventeen-year-old noticing her curves. More damningly, when seeing Alice’s vision of vampire!Bella, Edward is horrified at the sight of his love cold and hard. He doesn’t describe vampire!Bella by any of the positives, like “flawless”. Edward is attracted to the human, not the woman. What that means for his sexuality... well, I’m going to go ahead and point out that he is very weird about Carlisle, and it’s damning that the personality he projects onto Bella is so similar to Carlisle. I hesitate to apply a label here, but in my own, personal, headcanon we’re veering towards homosexual. Deeeeeeply closeted homosexual.

Emmett is straight. Straightest guy ever to straight.

Esme is pretty clearly taken with Carlisle. Though if she were to feel attracted towards another woman, I imagine she’d have no idea what to make of that, if she even recognized it for what it was. She’s from a very different time and still living in that time, and she continues to be very sheltered. Still, as per my personal headcanon, I see her as straight.

Jasper, who knows. Though if he’s into guys, he has probably gone for it in the past. I suppose I should write a meta on vampires and sexual norms in general, but in short I don’t think they all live monogamously like the Cullens. STDs and pregnancies are unheard of, as is social ostracizing. Vampires are hedonistic, Twilight vampires more so than any other. Which in turn means I don’t think Maria and Jasper were monogamous. A couple, sure, but I don’t think Maria would say “oh noes, I can’t, I’m with Jasper!” if someone she was attracted to made an overture, and same goes for Jasper. So, if Jasper was into guys, then sure. I can see Jasper/Peter happening, or even Charlotte/Jasper/Peter. Jasper is certainly into women, with the possibility of guys as well. And if so, then it’s probably happened.

Rosalie I’m shocked is with a guy in the first place, everything about her screams lesbian. However, she’s clearly into Emmett, so apparently she’s bisexual.

(I’m not including Renesmée in this, since she’s three months old by the time the series conclude.)

This all being said, several of these people are from very different times and wouldn’t have the same concepts of sexuality internalized as we do, so how they’d identify is a very different matter.

So Jaskier, completely shitfaced, is sitting somewhere on the dirty floor near a tavern in Oxenfurt, when he meets Vesemir for the first time.

He instantly recognizes the old witcher and loudly calls him over, something along the lines of "Hey! Hey you- you, wolf! Papa wolf! Yeah, come on, I need to have a word with you about your son. The- the stupid one-"

Vesemir is obviously not amused, but he comes over nonetheless because for some reason that drunk kid knows him.

Then, Jaskier proceeds to ramble on about Geralt and it gets very close to trash talk, but Vesemir keeps his cool and reads in between the lines. What he finds out is this: Geralt - who up to this point had been his favorite - had somehow managed to break this poor kid's heart, not once, not twice but "at least five times". Said kid had apparently "spent more than half of his life" following his son like a lost puppy. He mumbles something about elves and djinns and then tells this elaborate tale of a golden dragon. "And then he left me on a fucking mountain!" Vesemir for his part would have not believed any of this, if the name Yennefer hadn't fallen. Many of the unreasonable things Geralt does are related to Yennefer.

The old witcher then takes a closer look at the sod on the floor and oh yes, didn't Geralt say something about a bard?

Then suddenly the kid stops mid sentence as if remembering something important. He waves at one of the other young men and loudly asks "Oi Mikael, is there- is there class tomorrow!?" Vesemir doesn't show it but he's kind of shocked. The drunk kid is clearly a student at the Academy, way too young to be traveling with a witcher. What ln earth is Geralt thinking?!

When the other man, for some reason looking as shocked as Vesemir feels, answers the kid's question with "yes", the bardling seems to sober up by a lot. He staggers up, wishes Vesemir a good night and starts to stumble towards Oxenfurt Academy, quickly followed by the other student.

The last thing Vesemir hears before they walk out of side is how the student asks the bard "Does that mean we won't have to write that test tomorrow, professor?"

Professor. Vesemir needs a break.

what you need to understand about recommending a show to me is that no matter how much we both know I'll like it, I can't watch it until the Neurodivergence Department in my brain approves it. I don't know when that will be, and I don't have any more control over it than you do.

Oh no, not a link where you can watch the entirety of What’s New Scooby Doo! Who on earth would post something like this???

And one for 46 different Scooby Doo movies including the beloved live action one from 2002 and it’s sequel, Monsters Unleashed??? For shame of me!

best non canon ships in twilight

these are my personal favorite ships. if i rewrote twilight, these are the ships I’d include, as well as the little bit of plot i list to explain the ship.

bella x rosalie: obviously these two belong together and also rosalie is given actual character outside of “blonde bitch” in my rewrite. they have a baby but when it happens they’re ready for it and also no one imprints on it. they are perfect mothers

edward x emmett: in my version rosalie did save emmett, but he turned out to not Feel Like That for rosalie; however, he thought eddie boy was fine af, so they got together instead. rosalie spends a century by herself instead of edward (yes it’s sad but plot)

leah x angela: must i explain this one?? they meet via bella and jake’s friendship and they crush on each other for a long time but start dating by the third book

alice x jessica: HEAR ME OUT. jasper and alice have NO CHEMISTRY. they can’t be together. also alice loves to dress bella up and bella hates it. If alice had jessica to spoil with clothes and makeup, they’d both be thrilled. alice would go all out to make jessica happy and they’d be the perfect couple. thank you for your time

charlie x billy x carlisle: carlisle was turned as a 35+ year old in this version of twilight so it’s not weird. they have a huge subplot and in the end charlie decides he loves both of them so a poly V it is. esme exists, but more as like a best friend to carlisle, like platonic co-parents.

tanya x esme: two vampire moms kicking butt. enemies to lovers, but like way before the plot starts. they spend a lot of time apart but are very in love.

kate x jasper: garrett still comes around and it’s a big love triangle and in the end jasper and garrett run off together. kate is sad obviously but then she meets victoria (bc victoria realizes james was manipulating her and when he dies she’s like oh hell yah i’m free) and they fall in love

jake x mike newton: (this one is kind of a joke.) head canon that mike is young for his grade so he’s like 16 and jacob is 15/16 so they’re the same age. mike is so immature that this feels like it might as well be canon. they meet in new moon just like in canon, and both guys realize they think the other guy is way cooler than bella, so they both move on from her and pursue one another. they’re shy tho so bella is the unwilling middle man. she feels like a high schooler helping middle schoolers out

Irina x Laurent: technically this is canon but we never actually see them together so like i ship them and they’re together the entire series

The list of people who know that Robin 2 is now Red Hood is small but the Riddler is one of them and I’ll explain why

12 year old Jason as Robin: Hey Riddler! How do you confuse an idiot?

Riddler: How?

Jason: Bicycle

Riddler: That doesn’t make any sense

Jason: I guess we found the idiot then

Riddler: …

Riddler: When you die, I won’t send flowers to the funeral

Jason: You better check my grave yourself to make sure I’m really gone

~years later~

Red Hood: Hey Riddler

Red Hood: Looks like someone forgot to check my grave