Nicoledavisss - Wistful Thinking

you matter.

Yes, everyday..

Fuck man I’m actually losing my mind and people only say they’ve noticed after I post about it. I literally can’t handle anything anymore. I can’t handle life. I either feel nothing or I feel it to the slightest degree possible, and that’s frightening. I can’t feel anymore. I can’t think anymore, when I do I just end up hating myself. I can’t focus anymore. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.

October 11, 2016

I haven’t been on here in a while and I’m not particularly certain why. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, so many things to say that I’ve just kept bottled inside. I guess I’ll start off with you. The one person I always think about when I know I shouldn’t. I think about you WAY too often for my own good, and honestly I think that’s where most of my bottled feelings come from. For some reason, I still miss you. Why? I don’t know, I can’t answer that. I think it was just something about you that makes me feel this way. And honestly, I’m getting a little tired of it. Yes, I love you. I always will; but for my own good, I’ve finally grown the strength to let go. Forget about you, like you did to me almost 3 years ago. I’ve needed to do this for a long time, I don’t deserve to hurt like this anymore, when clearly you aren’t hurting. As for your now ex, I hope she was worth the heartache she’s probably putting you through right now since you two just broke up not even 2 months ago and she’s already dating someone new. I wouldn’t have been there for you, through everything. I would’ve made you happy no matter what it took, you know that. But still, you chose to leave me. Leave me alone to suffer in silence. Well; I’m done. I tried to contact you so I could again, understand why you felt it was a good idea to leave the one person who would love you for eternity. But, it’s too late now. I’ll find someone better than you, someone who will actually love me more than you seemed to. You will always hold a special place in my heart but I can no longer sit back and hurt because of you. Thank you for all the memories you gave me, but this is me finally letting go. Have a great life. Goodbye. 

To the one person I regret ever moving in with; I’m done being your punching bag. I’ve known you longer than any other person in that house and you treat me the worst and I’m not standing for it anymore. And if you think that I’m paying half the rent when there’s 3 people in that house; you’ve lost your damn mind. After everything I’ve done for you, put up with for you. You still find it okay to treat me poorly. No, enough is enough. I’m done cleaning up after you and that thing you have living in MY house. And when you invited people to come stay with us FOR FREE without even asking me about it; thanks for fucking asking. That was very rude and disrespectful of you. When I make a small mess; you throw a fucking fit. But when there’s dog shit and dog piss everywhere and your ogre made a mess in the kitchen as it so regularly does, it’s never an issue. Whatever. I can’t wait to leave because I can’t live in a house with a giant child and an ogre. If that’s how you want to live; I don’t want any part of it. You’ve ruined our friendship, and I never want to speak with you after how you treated me. And as far as the ogre hitting you again, you probably deserved it. The way you treat people makes me sick. Making other people pay your bills because you wanna be lazy and not work. You don’t even act like a friend unless it’s convenient for you or someone is paying for your stuff. I hope karma catches up with you soon; because you are the definition of a piece of shit. I felt sorry for you when you asked me to come live with you because you had no one to help you; now, I regret EVER moving in with you. I am NEVER living with someone like you ever again. You’re disrespectful, rude, nasty and an all around shitty person.

To all of the people who think it’s okay to treat me as a punching bag; fuck you. I’m not someone you can just throw around and make fun of because you think it’s funny. It’s not. That’s all I have to say on that matter; I’ve just had enough. I need a vacation away from people in general. That’s gonna be hard to do... But the sooner I can, the better because I’ve got so many bottled up emotions and feelings that I need to just be alone with my thoughts somewhere I feel tranquil and my home is not that place. Not at all. Maybe I’ll drive somewhere and find a nice secluded spot to be alone with my thoughts. I’ll have to do some looking around but I’ll find somewhere. As far as moving, I’m moving alone. I cannot live with someone else, let alone multiple people; they just aggravate me too much. One day soon that’ll happen. As soon as I can save up the money to move, I’m gone from that hell hole I call home at the moment...

you ever know what it's like to lose the person you love? that pain that you feel because you feel as though it's all your fault? I lost the man I love because I feel like I fucked up so bad. I feel like I did everything wrong. As much as he tells me it's not all my fault. I'm always gonna feel that way. He tells me that he's giving me another chance to show him I'm changing but he's out on a date with someone else. I'm so confused /: And the way he talks to me.... Talking to me like I'm a stranger when he's drunk. Why? He says he hates to see me hurt, but yet he's gonna talk to me that way.. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why us? We had everything. Yes, we had problems but what couple doesn't? Okay, so I haven't shown him my ambition. Alright, I get that. But if you really loved me like you say you do, you would've tried to push me harder then you did. I love him with my entire being. I believe he is the piece I've been missing all of these years and I don't wanna give that up. I've got hope that once I show him how serious I really am, he'll change his mind and want this back. It hurts so much. The sound of his voice soothes me and makes me think things are okay but then reality kicks in and all I wanna do is die... I wanna crawl under a rock and die. I can't deal with this pain and I'm afraid I'm gonna die of a broken heart because of this. I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I can do is toss and turn and panic. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I want us back. I want everything we had back. He is my best friend and my whole world. Since he left, my world has crashed down around me and I feel so alone. I'm glad he's still in my life, but I don't like not having him in my life as my boyfriend. I thought we had a future together? We talked about it all the time. All I can do now, is show him that I'm changing and hope for the best. He says he's moving on with his life because he doesn't believe that I'm changing. I can't wait to show him how serious I am. I don't wanna move on. He means everything to me. He will always be my number 1. And he'll always have my heart. And I'm glad to know that I will always have a huge part of his heart. All I can do is hope....

I tried everything. I smoked, drank, drove 100 on the freeway. Anything to make my heart feel the way it did when it beat next to yours.

(via yourlifeisyourmessage)