It’s Really Hard As An Aromantic To Try And Find Genuinely Kind People (who Won’t Be Attracted Romantically).

A rant about being aromantic as well as asexual while being a teen

It sucks dude. I feel behind and a part of me doesn’t care, but another part of me is going, “WHY ME?!”. And some of it, at least for me, is in part due to trauma, and also lack of attraction. Sometimes I just wish I could feel something, you know. I also don’t want to be in a qpr with anyone, but I just want friends. The problem is due to trust issues I’m scared to hug them and stuff, so that causes me to get a bit touch starved, even though I could just ask. Everything is just scary. I do love my friends in the most platonic way and that’s it. They are truly wonderful people, but I wish I could...well fit in more sometimes. I know that it’s sappy and honestly not the best outlook to want to fit in, but I just wonder what it feels like to fit in, or perhaps everyone is just faking it regardless. I’m a bit sad and scared my friends will leave me for their partner(s), though I don’t think they would, as one of them is dating some peeps and they’re really chill and equally care and I guess I’m scared that I’m just not loved by my friends. I think they do love me and I have this tendency to give to much and never relax because I’m just a people pleaser. So overall, I’m just a lil’ lonely and sad and I wanted to rant on here because people seem pretty chill.

You know what’s better than romance and sex. Food. Garlic bread and cake coming my way. 

Not to get personal...but this shit ‘boutta get personal...oh how I dream of teet yeet

I remember when I was younger, mystique was one of my favorite characters, I mean they could shapeSHIFT! In other words I’m trans, and shoulda realized that maybe that was a sign. GOD SO MANY SIGNS!! I remember in middle school I was sad that we couldn’t do co-ed sports and everyone wanted to do boys vs. girls. Another this is that I fought with my dad or someone about how everyone had adam’s apples, granted still not wrong, but I dunno what I was going for? And then there were all those times I had to wear clothing that I wasn’t comfortable in to go to church...would literally cry when I had to wear tights because it caused dysphoria. And then well puberty started and I didn’t like having boobs. Still don’t. Sports bras were ma besties and they got replaced by ma binder. I can’t wait till I can get top surgery in the future at some point. Also I dunno if breast cancer runs in family, though it does on my dad’s side, but he hasn’t tested yet, so that’s no to great, but yeah that makes two reasons to do the...TEET YEET!!! Also I remember once I wore a normal and goddamn never felt more unlike my self. Oh and then there was overcompensating in middle school because I wanted to be like my sisters, but I knew some shit was up, and you know/have an idea of the rest. 

short story? (fictional..I guess)

Tuesday, 1:45 pm

Today was a windy day on the East bay. My feet are crunching the blank ground beneath my feet. I’m wearing a jacket but it’s so cold! The wool socks I’m wearing are a bit wet, and that was when I remembered I had hot chocolate at home. As I was on my way home, I see these to people close together. What are they doing? Why are they kissing? Aren’t they a bit close? Are they friends? I don’t know what to think.

I spot someone else across the street, and I could sense their jealousy of the close two. Then I heard the the two say, “I love you, my sweet sunshine!”, at the same time, but it wasn’t exact.

They’re in love. Love! What utter bullshit. 

I hurried along the snow, almost frustrated. Okay, not almost, I was frustrated. I AM FRUSTRATED! Why am I so frustrated?! Oh I’m home. Great.

My stiff discolored hands reach for the doorknob. It’s so cold and metallic. As I open the oak doors to my home, I close it just as quickly. 

SIGH

My mind is carrying a weight that I don’t to be true. I can’t fall in love. Well, at least, I don’t think so. Oh how I wish I could feel those wonderful feelings.

I enter my disheveled room, not prepared for anything, so I collapse onto my bed in all my warm clothes. 

Wednesday, 3 am

I’m hungry. My eyes are a bit blurry, so I rub them, so I can see once again. It’s 3 AM!! My stomach hurts, so I go to the kitchen, and look at my fridge.

It’s empty. Great! Just great.

I spot a remote to left and pick it to turn on my tv, then I hear my ringer go off. It’s my best friend, Jean. Well, I have a few best friends, and I love them so much. It’s not romantic...is there a word for that? ...I mean there can’t be...can there?

I pick up my phone and this is how the conversation goes:

Me: Fitz?! Isn’t it a bit late?

Fitz: lol Jet lol, why r u up at this time?

Me: I...I couldn’t sleep. 

Fitz: lol same.

Me: Fitz, I need help? 

Fitz: okay bestie! what u need help with?

Me: Well...I think I’m broken?!

Fitz: WOAH THERE!!! Who are you and what did you do to my bestie?!

Me: pfft...OH GOD it’s 4 am already!!!

Fitz: 9 pm over here baBY!

Me: I can’t fall in love...is that bad?

Fitz: Bro...why’d u thing it was wrong?

Me: because I’ve been told that I’ll fall in love with somebody, but it is yet to happen.

Fitz: u could be...aromantic? #noromo

Me: I’ve gotta feel a little attraction...right?

Fitz: Mate, calm ya tits, and look the damn thing up!

Me: okay okay...I WILL :{

.....

...

Fitz: Good night Jet, you’re an amazing friend :O

Me: Thanks, gn

Fitz: ‘night

12 hours later

OH shit...I fell asleep with the tv on! And yesterday...oh GOD!!! I miss Fitz. They were such a good friend...and I guess I’ll take their advice...not that I want to. I open up my computer and start typing in “Signs I might be aromantic?” and “What does it mean to be aromantic?”, and lastly “Am I aro?”. I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole, but OOO!

Th-that’s me...THAT’S ME!! Fitz was right...I am aromantic.... Wait there’s other like me. THere’s a whole spectrum?! ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!! WHY aren’t we taught this earlier?! If only I found out sooner...then everything would have hurt less. Well, it’s not like I can change much, so I guess I’m glad I came to this strange conclusion?

So yeah yesterday was cold, but now I feel a bit warmer knowing a bit more about myself. So HAH! Take that world! I’m gonna soar beyond and create my own path because I don’t need to fall in love to be human. Why is it shown so much though? The media is weird. Okay....a lot of things are weird. 

As I’ve been a teenager I’ve had a multitude of identity crises. At first I thought I was pan in middle school. Like just 2 years of me thinking that. Then I learned a wee bit about asexuality and disregarded it. I thought I could be gray-ace or something. I just wanted to be normal. Then at one point I thought that I was bi and demiromantic, except I couldn’t stand the thought of actually having to date anyone. I was also having a major gender crisis. One of my friends said that I could be aro, and I was like “Nah nah...totally allo...[internally just panicking]!”. I aggressively denied it. And now I’ve come to accept that I am in fact aroace and that I love hugs.

Sometimes figuring yourself out can suck. There are days I wish I could have crushes and have the regular teenage experience because sometimes I feel like an outsider. I can’t fall in love and I don’t wanna do the deed. I’m just tired of hurting. I got hurt and emotionally manipulated by someone at my school and I’m scared that history will repeat itself. I don’t want them to hurt anyone else. I’m tired of holding anger towards this person because I just want them to grow up and learn not to overstep people’s boundaries. I left them because I had grown up a bit and learned that I deserve better. They made me question everything about my identity. They did these non-consented cuddles, and I felt stuck. I love myself a bit more, but I’m sometimes a little lonely. This person put me down along with another person. I left them both. My friends that I have now, respect me and I love them and appreciate them for that. I’ve always wanted to befriend everyone, but the fact is, that little childish dream of mine can’t come true because not everyone will like me or want to befriend me, and the same is for me, as I have the same feelings for some people as well. Augghh...growing up also sucks! 

The struggles real, am I right?

Being polyamorous while also being aroace has been the most confusing shit of my life. I just wanna vibe in a polycule and I want to feel cared for. I feel cared for my friends at the moment, so I’m okay now, but it’d be nice in the future, cause I don’t wanna live alone. I really shoulda known I was aro though....like the signs were so obvious...and ace even more obvious. I am glad though that I basically embody chaos at this point.

Just a bit saddened that youtube recommends people who are talking about mean people’s books but they support the trans people and tell the terfs to f*** off but still...living is hard

I can’t wait till I can take my shirt off and finally breathe in my body. Also fuck Abigail Shrier, J. K. Rowling, Ben Shapiro, Matt Walsh, Steven Crowder, and various other flavors of those who are transphobic, homophobic, and overall exclusionary of queer identities. They’re just mad that we as queer people actually have learned to love ourselves so TAKE THAT FUCKERS!!!! ALSO FUCK ELON...AUGH!!! Why can’t we just respect one another, it ain’t that fucking hard. As easy as the abc’s or counting. 

I’m so fucking aro and ace

So I created a gofundme because I want to get top surgery in the near future and I dunno where else to post, so yeah I’m a bit desperate, even though it’ll be in the future...so yeah...anything will help...oh also I have a story I’m working on called Tales of Contradiction, which you can find on tapas.io

Here’s the link:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/i-want-to-learn-to-fly-again?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cf+share-flow-1