sekallman

Latest Posts by sekallman

Crisis of the Century

So...I identify with aroace, and I fully identify with ace, though there was something about it, that wasn’t 100%. I realize now, that I’m probably gray-romantic. I blame the cute people in my class, though, i also wanna be their friend too. So...yayy...so fun. I think, though, it’s in part because I’ve been wearing transtape, and I’ve been more comfortable in my body, and I feel much more free, so I guess it’s not a surprise that my brain is letting feel this new stuff, granted it rarely happens anyways, so gray-romantic. That’s about it. 

Not to get personal...but this shit ‘boutta get personal...oh how I dream of teet yeet

I remember when I was younger, mystique was one of my favorite characters, I mean they could shapeSHIFT! In other words I’m trans, and shoulda realized that maybe that was a sign. GOD SO MANY SIGNS!! I remember in middle school I was sad that we couldn’t do co-ed sports and everyone wanted to do boys vs. girls. Another this is that I fought with my dad or someone about how everyone had adam’s apples, granted still not wrong, but I dunno what I was going for? And then there were all those times I had to wear clothing that I wasn’t comfortable in to go to church...would literally cry when I had to wear tights because it caused dysphoria. And then well puberty started and I didn’t like having boobs. Still don’t. Sports bras were ma besties and they got replaced by ma binder. I can’t wait till I can get top surgery in the future at some point. Also I dunno if breast cancer runs in family, though it does on my dad’s side, but he hasn’t tested yet, so that’s no to great, but yeah that makes two reasons to do the...TEET YEET!!! Also I remember once I wore a normal and goddamn never felt more unlike my self. Oh and then there was overcompensating in middle school because I wanted to be like my sisters, but I knew some shit was up, and you know/have an idea of the rest. 

Hi! I am really hoping to get a little bit of help as I've had a bit of hardluck fall on me this month. Trying to hold it together for the kids but any help would really be a blessing You've been a great help to me and the kids🙏❤️🙏

PLS HELP AND SHARE IF YOU CAN AND READ MY PINNED

I hear you!! We gotta help this STRONG homie!! Things to help 'em would be as listed...SUIT UP fellows!!!

Reblogging

Crossposting

Sharing through email/messages/etc

Word of mouth

Whatever you can come up with that can help a fellow person.

Hey friend, I hope I can ask a favour from you. I’m a black non-binary lesbian going through a tough phase as Both of my parents are openly homophobic and transphobic. I've organised a crowdfunding to solicit for support to evacuate my home, it's been help for me. Please consider to donate to my pinned link on my profile if you can Reblog and share my pin post to reach a large audience with support . Anything helps at the moment.🙏❤️

Yo yo fellow potatoes/gremlings/gremlins/earthlings/humans (idk anymore ya'll's be cool), let's gather to help a homie out! As said above, they need help, so yeah. They have a link, so imma put it here :): https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-black-nonbinary-escape-transphobia-household?qid=0558df410eb45b5a29218a7e283e4a8b

If you aren't able to help them, perhaps tell your friends or enemies, I dunno, but tell them, that this is a story about a person in need, and that they need a lift from you. A lift could be as simple as word of mouth, reblogging, texting, crossposting on various platforms, and if there's anything else use that creativity or some strategic way to help this epic human :)

Just a bit saddened that youtube recommends people who are talking about mean people’s books but they support the trans people and tell the terfs to f*** off but still...living is hard

I can’t wait till I can take my shirt off and finally breathe in my body. Also fuck Abigail Shrier, J. K. Rowling, Ben Shapiro, Matt Walsh, Steven Crowder, and various other flavors of those who are transphobic, homophobic, and overall exclusionary of queer identities. They’re just mad that we as queer people actually have learned to love ourselves so TAKE THAT FUCKERS!!!! ALSO FUCK ELON...AUGH!!! Why can’t we just respect one another, it ain’t that fucking hard. As easy as the abc’s or counting. 

short story? (fictional..I guess)

Tuesday, 1:45 pm

Today was a windy day on the East bay. My feet are crunching the blank ground beneath my feet. I’m wearing a jacket but it’s so cold! The wool socks I’m wearing are a bit wet, and that was when I remembered I had hot chocolate at home. As I was on my way home, I see these to people close together. What are they doing? Why are they kissing? Aren’t they a bit close? Are they friends? I don’t know what to think.

I spot someone else across the street, and I could sense their jealousy of the close two. Then I heard the the two say, “I love you, my sweet sunshine!”, at the same time, but it wasn’t exact.

They’re in love. Love! What utter bullshit. 

I hurried along the snow, almost frustrated. Okay, not almost, I was frustrated. I AM FRUSTRATED! Why am I so frustrated?! Oh I’m home. Great.

My stiff discolored hands reach for the doorknob. It’s so cold and metallic. As I open the oak doors to my home, I close it just as quickly. 

SIGH

My mind is carrying a weight that I don’t to be true. I can’t fall in love. Well, at least, I don’t think so. Oh how I wish I could feel those wonderful feelings.

I enter my disheveled room, not prepared for anything, so I collapse onto my bed in all my warm clothes. 

Wednesday, 3 am

I’m hungry. My eyes are a bit blurry, so I rub them, so I can see once again. It’s 3 AM!! My stomach hurts, so I go to the kitchen, and look at my fridge.

It’s empty. Great! Just great.

I spot a remote to left and pick it to turn on my tv, then I hear my ringer go off. It’s my best friend, Jean. Well, I have a few best friends, and I love them so much. It’s not romantic...is there a word for that? ...I mean there can’t be...can there?

I pick up my phone and this is how the conversation goes:

Me: Fitz?! Isn’t it a bit late?

Fitz: lol Jet lol, why r u up at this time?

Me: I...I couldn’t sleep. 

Fitz: lol same.

Me: Fitz, I need help? 

Fitz: okay bestie! what u need help with?

Me: Well...I think I’m broken?!

Fitz: WOAH THERE!!! Who are you and what did you do to my bestie?!

Me: pfft...OH GOD it’s 4 am already!!!

Fitz: 9 pm over here baBY!

Me: I can’t fall in love...is that bad?

Fitz: Bro...why’d u thing it was wrong?

Me: because I’ve been told that I’ll fall in love with somebody, but it is yet to happen.

Fitz: u could be...aromantic? #noromo

Me: I’ve gotta feel a little attraction...right?

Fitz: Mate, calm ya tits, and look the damn thing up!

Me: okay okay...I WILL :{

.....

...

Fitz: Good night Jet, you’re an amazing friend :O

Me: Thanks, gn

Fitz: ‘night

12 hours later

OH shit...I fell asleep with the tv on! And yesterday...oh GOD!!! I miss Fitz. They were such a good friend...and I guess I’ll take their advice...not that I want to. I open up my computer and start typing in “Signs I might be aromantic?” and “What does it mean to be aromantic?”, and lastly “Am I aro?”. I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole, but OOO!

Th-that’s me...THAT’S ME!! Fitz was right...I am aromantic.... Wait there’s other like me. THere’s a whole spectrum?! ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!! WHY aren’t we taught this earlier?! If only I found out sooner...then everything would have hurt less. Well, it’s not like I can change much, so I guess I’m glad I came to this strange conclusion?

So yeah yesterday was cold, but now I feel a bit warmer knowing a bit more about myself. So HAH! Take that world! I’m gonna soar beyond and create my own path because I don’t need to fall in love to be human. Why is it shown so much though? The media is weird. Okay....a lot of things are weird. 

As an asexual I sometimes forget that sex exists and that sexual things exist, and that they are in fact not just in the media. As an aromantic, I forget that people can feel romantic feelings because all I feel is friendship.

So I created a gofundme because I want to get top surgery in the near future and I dunno where else to post, so yeah I’m a bit desperate, even though it’ll be in the future...so yeah...anything will help...oh also I have a story I’m working on called Tales of Contradiction, which you can find on tapas.io

Here’s the link:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/i-want-to-learn-to-fly-again?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cf+share-flow-1

Toxic Friendships

As the title says I’m going to talk about toxic friendships because they’re shitty as hell dude. Like there were these two people that I knew, well okay we go to the same school and well one of ‘em was possessive of me, and didn’t respect my physical boundaries and he’d always lean on me (without asking mind you) during the classes we had together, and we still unfortunately have those same classes together, but I sit with other people who respect me, which wow...it’s truly amazing. This person and another person put down my art and called it projection every time I would show them a piece and they brought down one of my closest friends. I’m in the midst of relearning some social skill that I had learned from those unhealthy relationships. Also the physical-boundary-person and the rip-my-confidence-for-showing-art-person were really judgemental, not that I’m not judgemental at all, but they for sure clouded my judgement. I hung out with both of them because I was scared and insecure, and then I started loving myself and I started seeing the cracks. Also the symbiote-person liked me at a certain point, making the “affection” make me feel as if I were being taking advantage of because I gave them a second chance, hell I might’ve given him more than he deserved. I understand that they both have shit going on. I GET THAT! I just don’t want them to hurt other people and that includes themselves. They need to grow up for fucks sake! I’m just so tired of having to be sympathetic towards people who hurt me! I know I definitely contributed and I’m sorry that I did! They are like babies (or just middle schoolers...no offence to anyone who’d in middle school)! I’m tired of having to be mature! I’m tired of feeling hurt! I’m tired of seeing their guilty faces! Okay one of them always looks guilty and he also stares at me (symbiote-person) sometimes and it’s creepy as hell! I deleted their contacts because I need to let them go, but it’s so hard because I still feel so hurt and I’m scared that one of ‘em will try to pull me back. I’m so scared. I’m scared to be vulnerable again. I want to be strong, but what if I’m judged so hard. I’m so fucking scared. I wanna be a better friend to other people than they ever were to me. 

I feel as I’ve accepted my aroace-ness I’ve become so much gayer and I don’t know how, but I’m vibing with it.

As I’ve been a teenager I’ve had a multitude of identity crises. At first I thought I was pan in middle school. Like just 2 years of me thinking that. Then I learned a wee bit about asexuality and disregarded it. I thought I could be gray-ace or something. I just wanted to be normal. Then at one point I thought that I was bi and demiromantic, except I couldn’t stand the thought of actually having to date anyone. I was also having a major gender crisis. One of my friends said that I could be aro, and I was like “Nah nah...totally allo...[internally just panicking]!”. I aggressively denied it. And now I’ve come to accept that I am in fact aroace and that I love hugs.

Okay so recently I’ve been watching shows from the early 2000s and the queercoding is so fucking high. For example, I recently watched Malcolm in the Middle. I mainly talking about Malcolms older brother Reese. The dude married a man at one point and he also brought up that it was cool to have two dads cause some kid had two dads. Oh he also almost married a girl too. Dude’s a bicon or somethin’. I could definitely be overanalyzing and overthinking this, but it’s just a thought. As an aroace I need other peeps’ thoughts because I’m just goin’ off of what I saw in the show.

Sometimes figuring yourself out can suck. There are days I wish I could have crushes and have the regular teenage experience because sometimes I feel like an outsider. I can’t fall in love and I don’t wanna do the deed. I’m just tired of hurting. I got hurt and emotionally manipulated by someone at my school and I’m scared that history will repeat itself. I don’t want them to hurt anyone else. I’m tired of holding anger towards this person because I just want them to grow up and learn not to overstep people’s boundaries. I left them because I had grown up a bit and learned that I deserve better. They made me question everything about my identity. They did these non-consented cuddles, and I felt stuck. I love myself a bit more, but I’m sometimes a little lonely. This person put me down along with another person. I left them both. My friends that I have now, respect me and I love them and appreciate them for that. I’ve always wanted to befriend everyone, but the fact is, that little childish dream of mine can’t come true because not everyone will like me or want to befriend me, and the same is for me, as I have the same feelings for some people as well. Augghh...growing up also sucks! 

I love how I started out writing a comic book, while thinking I must be cis and pan, and now that I’m nearing the end of it, I’m trans, non-binary, and aroace. Granted, before that I thought I was cishet, and kinda just denying way too many fucking things about myself. Upon admitting them through storytelling, I somehow feel much much gayer. This is probably because I feel more comfortable in my skin now. Thank you for my TEDTalk.

Alright so as an a-spec, trans, and non-binary person, I’ve taken it upon myself to create a story in the medium of comics. I’ve doin’ this for a while though, like 2 years...and HOLY SHIT!!! I feel as if I’ve grown with the characters, and I know how it’s going to end. I often find that my characters represent parts of myself rather than the people in my life. My goal is to finish it and post it on the internet, though I kinda already did, by posting the first ten pages. It’s gonna be two volumes, so as you can imagine, shit goes down. Granted, the first 20 pages are kinda rushed, but I wanted 228 pages max for the first volume, and I want the second to be 200. The main character, Noel (they/them), is non-binary and is figuring out their sexuality, so yeah :). 

I’m so fucking aro and ace

A rant about being aromantic as well as asexual while being a teen

It sucks dude. I feel behind and a part of me doesn’t care, but another part of me is going, “WHY ME?!”. And some of it, at least for me, is in part due to trauma, and also lack of attraction. Sometimes I just wish I could feel something, you know. I also don’t want to be in a qpr with anyone, but I just want friends. The problem is due to trust issues I’m scared to hug them and stuff, so that causes me to get a bit touch starved, even though I could just ask. Everything is just scary. I do love my friends in the most platonic way and that’s it. They are truly wonderful people, but I wish I could...well fit in more sometimes. I know that it’s sappy and honestly not the best outlook to want to fit in, but I just wonder what it feels like to fit in, or perhaps everyone is just faking it regardless. I’m a bit sad and scared my friends will leave me for their partner(s), though I don’t think they would, as one of them is dating some peeps and they’re really chill and equally care and I guess I’m scared that I’m just not loved by my friends. I think they do love me and I have this tendency to give to much and never relax because I’m just a people pleaser. So overall, I’m just a lil’ lonely and sad and I wanted to rant on here because people seem pretty chill.

I know! Though I do think that some of them might’ve had platonic crushes (”squishes”) rather than romantic crushes, but yeah romance doesn’t compute or make sense. It definitely seems subjective and varying on the individuals boundaries and then to add on top of that there’s also trauma and just one’s overall lived experience, though I do notice that some people will change their boundaries once getting to know someone as it can be a little awkward when getting to know someone in general. So yeah, basically I 100% agree with what you said above, as they don’t seem serious, but maybe they could be, not like I know.

It funny how I was able to accept that I was ace, granted I was in denial about it for some time. Then I realized I was aro and was like…”NONONO…I know I have no desire to date anyone, but NONONONONONONOnonono….I haven’t dated anyone…I don’t know what a crush feels like, let alone attraction!!! I’ve never had any fantasies!!! Wait-…people fantasize ABOUT ONE ANOTHER?!! I wouldn’t date any stranger or my friends!!!” and then I had the most funny thought at a certain point (before I knew the term aromantic) and it was, “Well maybe if I move countries I’ll be able to fall in love!!!!”, and meanwhile when romance/sex would show up in media I’d be like “Where is the plot?! Why did we lose the plot?! People actually want this?! WAIT-?! Do people act like this?!”. I also thought people were just deadass lying when they said they experienced crushes in kindergarten, which they probably weren’t lying. I will say though I do love food. I mean pesto is an absolute god. Chocolate is amazing (though if don’t like chocolate that’s cool too, same with any other food). But bread…oh my god! I love naan, rolls, and most breads.

It funny how I was able to accept that I was ace, granted I was in denial about it for some time. Then I realized I was aro and was like...”NONONO...I know I have no desire to date anyone, but NONONONONONONOnonono....I haven’t dated anyone...I don’t know what a crush feels like, let alone attraction!!! I’ve never had any fantasies!!! Wait-...people fantasize ABOUT ONE ANOTHER?!! I wouldn’t date any stranger or my friends!!!” and then I had the most funny thought at a certain point (before I knew the term aromantic) and it was, “Well maybe if I move countries I’ll be able to fall in love!!!!”, and meanwhile when romance/sex would show up in media I’d be like “Where is the plot?! Why did we lose the plot?! People actually want this?! WAIT-?! Do people act like this?!”. I also thought people were just deadass lying when they said they experienced crushes in kindergarten, which they probably weren’t lying. I will say though I do love food. I mean pesto is an absolute god. Chocolate is amazing (though if don’t like chocolate that’s cool too, same with any other food). But bread...oh my god! I love naan, rolls, and most breads.

Am I gonna talk about my aroace-ness again? Yes, yes I will

I fucking love being aroace. I may be a teen and others may be falling in love and doing the big sex (I find sex funny cause I don’t get it, but good for them). I am perfectly content with all my friends and I love them to the earth, the moon, the stars, the vast universe, and all the way back again. I love to hear their stories and their perceptions. I could gush over all my friends all day. I’m glad that I don’t have to deal with as much drama due to lack of interest and attraction. Also good for other aros who feel little attraction and good for aros who still want relationships, ya’ll do be swell. That about wraps it up :)

It’s really hard as an aromantic to try and find genuinely kind people (who won’t be attracted romantically). Though I think that this is just hard in general. 

You know what’s better than romance and sex. Food. Garlic bread and cake coming my way. 

It’s funny being somewhat extroverted and being aroace. I love it! I feel like a double agent.

Also the line between romance and friendship is so convoluted at this point that I really don’t see the difference. People kiss their friends. They make out with their friends. I mean people even fuck their friends. So where is the line. I’d say it depends on a) your boundaries, b) how you feel, and c) and where you’re at right now. Basically, all of it is subjective and I can’t tell when people are in relationships, so I always assume that they are friends cause I can’t tell. 

I know it isn’t the best to be “pal paling” people, but I wouldn’t deem it a bad thing. There’s barely any aro-spec representation. Everyone has a story to tell, and perhaps even through little things, you should share your story.

On a side note, I’m literally creating a story because I decided to create my own representation. First it was for gender, now it’s for ma sexuality and romantic orientation.

The struggles real, am I right?

Being polyamorous while also being aroace has been the most confusing shit of my life. I just wanna vibe in a polycule and I want to feel cared for. I feel cared for my friends at the moment, so I’m okay now, but it’d be nice in the future, cause I don’t wanna live alone. I really shoulda known I was aro though....like the signs were so obvious...and ace even more obvious. I am glad though that I basically embody chaos at this point.

Things I shoulda known

I really should’ve known I was non-binary because I didn’t understand the binary at all, like I do, but it just was like a sock that never fit. When I did discover the term it made me a bit sad, but I had this huge wave of relief and was happy that I could finally be myself. All gender bathrooms are the best, no questions asked. Now onto my sexuality...I really shoulda known I was ace..I mean dude, I literally couldn’t say the word “sex” for years. I have a list of alternatives...quite literally. It’s funny cause one of my friends knew before I did. Now onto my romanticism...I never understood romance..but I was fully convinced that I was a pan/panro...I was really wrong. I hadn’t had well, any crushes (faked ‘em to a T). I found out I was demiplatonic and realized I have squishes on occasion (literally my besties...I love them so SO much...I wanna hang and talk philosophy with both of ‘em), and that I might not be as introverted as I thought. Imma get real existential real quick, but I really am grateful that in the little time that I’ve had on this planet, that I will never experience falling in love or sexual attraction because I’ll have a whole ‘nother experience than somebody else. I’ll change in different ways. My experience may not be common, but I’m grateful that I get to have it. 

Figuring out wtf my aro identity is...but like...I have an idea...I guess

Alright so I’m 100% certain I’m romance repulsed by well anything romantic irl (not that I could tell...thank the universe)....but also I’m 100% sure I absolutely love seeing some really well thought out romance stories...like sometimes they’re just so good and when they’re queer they’re even better. Sometimes though I do find it tiring to look at/read and would like to read an adventure story or a mystery story instead. What I don’t get is why some people like the toxic relationships...I guess I just don’t understand because there are some toxic relationships in my family...but yeah the healthy ones are just wholesome af. I usually find stories like heartstopper or skam (the original one though...haven’t watched the others) to be extremely wholesome...OH also Green and Gold...also the art style is just so soft.

I dunno...some more rambles

So I’m aroace...pretty sure I’m repulsed by romance and sex, but like sometimes the romance is just fucking cute and sex scenes are just a bore...like dude....I’m lookin’ for actual plot (also sometimes when they come up I’m like...welp I guess it’s a death day). Anyways, I’m working on being romance and sex positive because I wanna respect other people, even if I don’t necessarily understand it. But also when I read loveless I didn’t necessarily know I was aroace...and I was like “I gotta experience some ATTRACTION!”...so I thought I was aroflux/aceflux and then I saw Jaiden Animations video and it finally clicked...but now I know why I thought many things were stange. HURRAH!!! Also a-spec peeps, have some cake or garlic bread or really just some food...cause food is legit. 

My homies in the a-spec community

So I’ve been trying to educate myself on other’s experiences (i.e. alloaces, aroallos, and those who may be heteromantic/heterosexual a-specs). I consider myself aroace and I want to support both the ace-spec and aro-spec community with as much respect and gratitude because you are all beautiful. I’m working on being sex-positive instead of sex-negative, so that I can be both a better friend and person. I know that sometimes there’s well...gatekeeping from a-spec who try to invalidate those who may be aroallo or aceallo. For some they may not see those who are aroallo or aceallo as valid or real, which is an absolute lie (ya’ll keep going and walk with your pride). Please just let people exist. Another thing I want to talk about is that sometimes we disregard that you could be a cishet ace-spec or cishet aro-spec (also if you’re trans person who’s het and a-spec, you’re also amazing) and you know what ignoring those in the community is alienating. If you are het and a-spec...YOU ARE SO FUCKING VALID! And if you’re apl-spec that’s AWESOME!! Just know that you are a wonderous being that the universe will be grateful to have given you the experiences that you had!! Those experiences are beautiful canvases that you get to paint because no one can tell you what you should want!!

#aroallo #rant #aceallo #aromantic as fuck #asexual as fuck #aplatonic #a-spec homies #I hope nobody will get mad at this showing up in both aceallo and aroallo tag spaces #aro #aroace #aro positivity #ace #ace positivity

A lil’ story

When I was 11 there was some fortune teller that basically told me love life (which none)

He said that I would have a “lover” by the age of 14-15. And then he said I’d have one at 16-17 (I kinda forgot which one or if he said both). And one at 19.

Fortuneteller: Ah yes you will have many lovers

Me, an aroace in my head thinking: Huh...I haven’t any crushes yet...what’s it supposed to feel like? That’s not weird...right?

Later that year I went to a party...I think I was 12 then...and still nobody was “attractive”. 

And I was just waiting and I heard two people telling each other that they liked each other and then one of them was absolutely pissed at me...and I was like “Oh I like said person”...except I did not...I was just really scared. 

I continued to force crushes over the years, and I’m 16 now...and I feel absolutely nothing that people would call attraction. Every time I would tell people, like my friends, the “crush” would just go away (instantly if I may add) and I was like “okay...maybe next time?” but also “Uhm...is that normal...that’s not normal, right?”

Then covid happened and I was touch starved...and there was someone who was nice on the team (not gonna say...okay, but it was a sports team), and I thought: “Wow they’re so nice...maybe my crush won’t vanish!”. Then I told my friends and...it did indeed vanish. I did however want to become the persons friend badly...and that’s not going well, but if they see this...hi..can we be friends?

In conclusion, that fortune teller was talking out of his ass, excuse my language, but he was as I have no clue what a crush is supposed to feel like.

#aromantic #aromantic as fuck #this guy was dead wrong and I dunno why I believed him #Also he thought I was a girl, which...no I’m just non-binary #asexual #asexual as fuck #squish #I kinda wish I knew what aroace was instead of forcing crushes, but I’m glad I know now #aroace