Paramore - Caught In The Middle

ugh i feel so pretty and feminine when i st4rve myself

Fever: Rambling #12

18th April 2022, 02:18

Do you know what else is incredibly annoying? The illness that is still in my body. To give you context, I got sick around mid January. Not covid, although it mimicked covid. It is almost May and I still have the damn sickness. Granted, my snotty nose and coughing is much less, but I still have a damn fever. It’s awful because I’m always freezing cold. I want to be known as the freezing cold person. It scratches a part of my eating disordered brain, “ooga booga, if you’re cold and pale, people will notice you and ask if you’re okay, ooga booga”. I don’t know, I guess I just want shot of this bug. I even got blood tests done last week (damn, I need to post a rambling about my health problems at some point), and the virus showed up in my blood. It was actually pretty scary because they phoned me and I thought they were going to tell me I had cancer or something. I shouldn’t have to worry about shit like this, I’m only 20.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

my healing cuts are so fucking itchy AAAAAAAAA

doing nice things for people for attention or praise is okay. it’s okay to have another motive behind what you’re doing. you still added kindness to the world. you still tried and did your best and i’m proud of you! kindness is hard and confusing when you were never exposed to it!! cheers to everyone trying to be kind in a body that rejects that very notion.

I don’t know how much i can resist anymore,i can feel my life it’s coming to an end.

Easter: Rambling #7

17th April 2022, 15:29

Easter is definitely one of my least hated celebrations. That goes alongside Halloween. I don’t like Valentine’s Day, Christmas, or New Year. I think that is because they’re all about love and family, and I barely have those two things. There are two points, however, that I dislike about Easter. The first is all the chocolate. I have difficulties with my eating. I want to be the thinnest in my friend group. I want to look unwell, pale, and bony. Sometimes I don’t eat to try and achieve this. As of now, I am the thinnest in my group and my family. This feels like a great achievement. Secondly, I don’t like all the middle class things I have to see being broadcasted across media. I hate the little Easter caricatures, or the community Easter egg hunts. It makes me feel sick. How dare these people enjoy life when there are others out there, including me, who can barely walk five steps without feeling like I’m about to be swallowed into purgatory? My mum didn’t do much for Easter this year. Usually she would hide chocolate eggs for me or make me a treasure hunt. I instinctively started looking around when I came downstairs. Of course, there was nothing there. I was disappointed, but I couldn’t blame her. She’s depressed and suicidal at the moment. On the one hand, I love her and I wish I could help her more. On the other hand, I still feel betrayed over the fact that she didn’t defend me when I was being abused. I was completely alone, isolated, and she allowed it to happen. That’s something I will never forgive, no matter how wonderful of a mother she has been to me and all the things she has helped me with over the years. Easter also reminds me of the disappointment I felt as a child. My sister and I were so excited. We waited upstairs for hours, waiting to be told we could come down and see what Easter Bunny had left for us. We waited so long that we had to call down and ask if we could come down. They said yes. We ran downstairs and were met with nothing. Nada. Zilch. The sadness was immeasurable. My father was surrounded by beer bottles. He told us to take the dog (who is now dead and sadly missed) for a walk. We obeyed. When we came home, there was chocolate for us. Of course, I knew what had happened, but I didn’t want to believe it. I acknowledge it now as an adult. My mother had bought the chocolate and left my dad to hide them around the house and garden. My father, instead, got drunk and fell asleep. I feel bad for the effort my mother put in. This happened two years in a row. They divorced not long after that. Not because of Easter, just because my father was an abusive piece of shit. I didn’t deserve what happened to me. My sister didn’t deserve what happened to her (I will stand by that, despite the fact that my sister was incredibly abusive towards me). My mum deserved to be happy, and now look at her. She’s so depressed that Easter has reverted back to my childhood. What a shame.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Slowly coming to the conclusion that no amount of love or reassurance can heal what has already been done to me. I seriously think I have met too many people in my life that fucked me up so bad, I simply will never be able to trust anyone anymore.

“I’m attracted to the extreme light and the extreme dark. I’m interested in the human condition and what makes people tick. I’m interested in the things people try to hide.”

— Johnny Depp

Falling: Rambling #21

21st April 2022, 21:52

Do you know what I would really love to do? It’s like an itch beneath my skin that I cannot scratch. I really want to climb to the top of a really high building, a skyscraper, and simply fall off. I want to soar through the sky. I want to feel my hair flapping around me. My clothes thrashing in the wind. I want to fall and fall and fall, but I never want to hit the ground. I don’t want it to end. Just falling, falling, falling. Falling as fast as a bullet. I would smile, and I would outreach my arm. My fingertips would stretch upward towards the sky. And I would be so content. A paradise. A haven that I am weightless. I am free from pain, free from gravity. I am simply free. Falling and falling. Existing in the nonexistent. The place that one who was not supposed to exist should be.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

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