Remember that time in 2012 when we all thought the world was going to end and did some unredeemable embarrassing shit to celebrate the end of times?
Yeah. Same.
I hate your guts but here’s some chocolate flavored Yoplait to help you through it.
Keep hearing about everyone picking up a new skill during the lockdowns and well I’m proud to announce that I can now successfully unravel and re-ravel my self at will.
Did a little soul searching...I am in fact, a narcissistic little shit with no concern for consequences but if someone mentions a cat I will build a shelter with my bare hands and protect it from the elements.
Put potato chips in the oven and then forgot about them because BBQ flavored just doesn’t cut it anymore I’m going for charred and cracked now.
Italians were hella right in combining pasta, olive oil and garlic. I’m convinced that they’ve got eternal truths hidden in their cuisines at this rate.
Just add pecorino to something and your day is made. Or black pepper. Or some fresh tomatoes. And that’s it. Keep it simple and fresh and heavenly.
I’ve been throwing money at the wrong things my whole life.
My sister @ my cat:
“Don’t you have a hobby?”
“Hey....hey.....HEYYYYY.......DIPSHIT”
*Pats the cat aggressively*
“Is she pregnant? She’s fat.”
“Did she eat a dumpster?”
Never do I regret my life choices more than when there is an impending exam/deadline on the horizon.
Therapy is nice and all but have you ever made drastic life choices in response to the shit you put yourself through out of sheer procrastination?
Kids are fucking weird dude. A four year old just came into my room to check if I’m working as I said and corrected my pronunciation because she thinks I pronounce ‘girls’ wrong. She then proceeds to just leave with a ‘good night’ and a wave.
It’s 7 pm.
She has done this 5 times in a row now, where she just comes into my room, checks on me and then leaves after a couple of questions.
I think the FBI might be missing their latest recruit.
Me: I don’t have any seemingly recognizable human emotions that you could pin me under. I’m impenetrable and indecipherable. The ultimate warrior archetype.
Also me: listens to 6lack at 2am imagining a bad breakup and craving a booty call to supress these sudden feelings.
Huh.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I’ll head into the kitchen in the dark, get me a glass of water, sigh and whisper ‘hydrated’ into the empty void.