Dive Deep into Creativity: Discover, Share, Inspire
On top of May being mental health awareness month, it’s also BPD (Borderline personality disorder) awareness month. I don’t even have enough words to describe what it feels like living with BPD. It has been my tool to survival and will eventually be my demise. Life with BPD is the hardest. You are emotionally fucked. You are toxic to everyone you come into contact with. Everyday is a struggle. Every hour is a caution tape. Living with it is like living in a gas chamber that is slowly leaking toxic fumes. Your breath is always caught. Your tears are always flowing. Even with therapy and medication for the symptoms, there is so much left to deal with. It never really goes away. At a moment's notice you can change feelings from “I love you” to “I hate you”. Having someone love you feels fake. Like you are never going to be loveable. That no one could ever love you. You’re too much of a burden. Too damaged to be loved. BPD is from trauma. And well, I have generations of it. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I grow it never feels enough. Emotions feel like suicide. Thoughts scream too loud. Demons control you like a puppet unable to run away. Hallucinations come and go. You really never know when they'll come or go. Sometimes the episodes will be minutes, others months. Distance or slightest voice change feels like abandonment. Happiness or peace feels like an illusion. Losing someone is like the world is the knives across your skin. Anger feels like jumping off a cliff. Every time someone tries to comfort or love you feels like a trick. You either feel alone or feel like a god. Living with BPD is the hardest thing to live with. It's comparable to giving my children up for adoption. Either you’re high on top of the galaxy or you’re at rock bottom over and over in a vicious cycle. We are so stigmatized. People think we are “ticking time bombs”. Hell I’ve even had therapists leave or deny me because of it. For all of my borderlines out there, you deserve love. You deserve happiness. You can’t just cope, you have to heal. It will take every ounce of self control and inner power to get through each episode. But I promise you when you find peace, true peace you’ll know what I’m talking about. Your trauma does not make you. You are not your trauma. You are not crazy. You are not a burden. Just hang tight, we’ve got this.
I think one of the worst symptoms of bpd is the lack of emotional permanence no matter how many good and loving people you have in your life the second you are alone it feels like you were never loved and it was all just a figment of your imagination