C: Devani - Blog Posts

★

ruqaiyah let out a breath that came out more like a laugh—sharp, breathless, incredulous. "you weren’t made for one place?” her voice turned cold and lilting, as if she were entertaining a joke no one else was in on. “you weren’t made for it, so we were born to sit and wait for you to flutter off and find your next whim?"” her chest rose and fell rapidly now, but her posture was still perfect, held together by the sheer force of her ego and the fact she knew she looked good. she had lost inches on her waist, as seen by her newest dress; devani would eat her words.

“that's not FAIR, you make it sound like i had you CHAINED!” she continued, tone curdling into something mock-sweet as her voice continued to rise - and despite the fact she were furious, she also loved the fact she had devani here in this moment. arguing with her, giving her full attention.

“you were in my house, you wore my clothes, you sat on my bed. you let me braid your hair while you told me—promised me—that i was the one person who understood you. and you’re telling me now, that you left because you were sixteen and had stuff on your mind?” she took a step back, her arms crossing tightly over her chest. her nails dug into her own arms, but she didn’t care. she wanted to feel it. wanted to ground herself in anything other than the ache that was pulling at her ribs. there was something in her voice now that even she could not quite contain. a tremble, brittle and buzzing with humiliation.

"you don’t get to call me dramatic when you made me feel like i was mad. like i had imagined the whole thing. you said you’d never leave me. you said—” she bit the words back like they were acid. “you said i was the only one who saw you.” her voice cracked, just once, and she swallowed hard, eyes narrowed in fury at her own weakness.

“and don’t you dare stand there and call me a child when you ran off like some storm-chaser desperate to be anywhere but with me.” her mouth twisted, lips gleaming like lacquered anger. “you wanted me, devani. you chose me. you told me things—things you didn’t have to say. and then what? you got bored? you spotted a guardsman and thought, oh, let me just vanish like i was never here?” she tilted her head, eyes glinting, voice rising suddenly. “I SAW YOU. THAT IS WHY YOU LEFT. BECAUSE OF DANTE ULLER AND THAT GUARD.”

devani's head was shaking. she was never a woman prone to anger. there was much that could be said to her, and she would simply laugh it off, make a joke of it, adopt it as part of her persona, if she found enough flattery in the unflattering. getting her to this point, where impatience took over, where irritation flickered in the dark hue of her eyes, took a particular skill that only ruqaiyah had ever seemed to have mastered. she wielded words as her brother did his sword, giving no space in the conversation for devani's words to settle, and so devani did not either. she would not stop to give ruqaiyah's words any consideration, would not do anything beyond dig her heels in, and refuse to see anything beyond her own point.

ruqaiyah demanded submission, and devani would not give it to her.

there was no more deflection, no more poking and twisting. instead, devani made a sound in the back of her throat, dismissive and derisive. "would you listen to yourself, ruqaiyah," she snapped, her exasperation bleeding into her tone. "you think i dream of a life like yours? get real." it was her own arrogance showing now, the knowledge that the life ruqaiyah claimed to want could have been hers, many times. if not in dorne, in essos, where lovers had come and gone so often she had lost track. she could have had it, only to devani, it was not an honour, but a shackle around her ankles.

and she saw it clearly, now ; that ruqaiyah would have chained her, too, if she had chosen to stay. it would have suffocated her, would have made her chafe against the commitment she had made to her as much as it had rubbed her raw when she had been married. in that moment, she had never been more certain of her choices. "yes, i do expect you to accept it," she said, a hand going to her forehead in her frustration. "perhaps that is too much to ask, though, since that would involve you coming to terms with the fact that people have more going on in their lives than you, ruqaiyah, and that is something you will never do. it's like talking to a child."

ruqaiyah closed the gap between them, the two of them practically nose to nose, and devani's hands dropped to her side. there was no humour in her expression, the laughing mockery absent from her eyes. "i left," she confirmed. "because we were sixteen years old, ru. and even then, it was obvious..." she trailed off, what exactly was obvious never making it passed her lips. she had meant what she said, at the time, but she had always been flightly, the unloved child of house toland, unable to ever commit to any bond she had ever made. "i wasn't made for any one place." was all she offered by way of explanation. any one place, any one person. she had always grown restless in the end.

she could have apologised. it would not be the first time she said something she didn't mean, driven by self-preservation. there was no pride in devani toland, and she did not mind making herself look the fool. it would be easy to beg forgiveness, but she wouldn't, because for ruqaiyah dayne, it would never be enough. "keep wishing," she said, simply. "the worst is long behind me."

★

ruqaiyah’s gaze did not falter. not once. she held herself with the same effortless poise that had been honed since birth, but beneath it—beneath the careful drape of silks and the steady weight of amethyst upon her wrists—there was something brittle. something that had yet to crack but threatened to, beneath the unbearable absurdity of it all. why were they doing this? she knew why she was doing this; because she would keep doing it, until she felt like her point had gotten across.

until devani felt like the most awful individual walking this land; and so in all their frustration, she barely took a moment to even fully listen to devani's words, constantly close to talking over her and doing so multiple times.

“you know me? are you dense?” her voice was light, conversational almost, as if amused by a foolish remark at court. “you know me yet you stand there, telling me my life is the reason i am angry with your decision. well my life is perfect, more perfect than you could ever even dream to get close to.” she exhaled sharply, glancing away, not because she was uncertain, but because devani toland had always been exhausting. she had always been insufferable, with her hunger for something more, for something beyond their shores, for a life that did not include ruqaiyah dayne. and that—that was what burned. it was not the leaving, nor even the years between them. it was this.

this moment, where devani stood before her, unwavering, as though she had not done something unforgivable. "you expect me to simply—what? accept that you do not understand why i am angry? as though i am the one being unreasonable?" her head tilted, and she let out a short, sharp breath, something caught between disbelief and scorn. "you knew exactly what you were doing, then and now." her voice rose, shrill and cutting, serrated with the weight of years left unspoken.

her hands clenched, nails digging into her palms, her breath quickening despite herself. "you. left." the words came hot, half lurching herself forward and stamping onto the ground as though she were a child having a tantrum. "you left me, and you never looked back for me. you left me, after agreeing that we would always have one another. you left me, after telling me there was no reason for you to look anywhere else. and now you return, not even with an apology, as some pathetic, empty carcass of yourself?" she took a step forward, close enough that she could see the flicker of something—something—in devani’s eyes. but it was not enough. nothing would be enough. "and you BLAME me?"

ruqaiyah had never wanted to beg for anything. she had never needed to. but gods, she hated the way her heart clenched as she awaited an answer. she hated that it mattered at all. "i hated you for this then, and i hate you for this now." she felt embarrassed, as though she had found herself tripping and entirely diving head first into some fantasy world she had made up in her head; only she had been told it was not made up. she had confirmed it for her, then she had embarrassed her. the feeling was a burning one, that of regret and embarrassment. "i will always hate you. i'll have you know, i wish you the worst. and more."

devani tilted her head slightly, studying with an intensity that had last been seen in her face long ago, suddenly more solemn. it was not the look of someone who had listened to ruqaiyah's word, and felt hurt or slighted by them. no ; when devani's lips parted, it was an expression of concern, as though she understood that she had pushed things too far.

and yet, was that not part of the issue? she could not help but push and poke. with everyone else in her life, she had been content to leave and be forgotten, to know her time in their life was brief. it was not the same with ruqaiyah, and she knew not why. perhaps because she had been the first, perhaps because her sudden departure, a decade and a half ago, had left no opportunity to close the door on what it was between them. it was not that this was the first time devani had to look in the face of someone she had left behind, for she had thought of ruqaiyah in the moments between departing and returning, the potential of whispered promises stamped on her in ways she did not care to admit aloud.

do you understand i would have done anything for you? do you understand what it is you have lost?

"i don't know of it," she conceded. "but i know you." ruqaiyah could pretend that she did not, that she had changed and grown beyond devani's recognition, but looking at her now, devani did not think that so. not in the way she acted, the way the wounds devani had given her still seemed to be raw in the way they were when she left, the way she sought to inflict wounds of her own rather than to understand.

"perhaps i am never satisfied." she would not deny the way whenever she came close to finding familiar, she ran from it, that she had never once settled before once again taking flight. it would be pointless. and still, a wry smile painted itself on her face. "do you think you'll fare better?" she asked, once again unable to stop herself from digging further. "that you won't look back on your own life with regret? maybe you already do. you are angry with me for leaving, because you wish you would have, too." despite her travels, the people she had known, devani still found herself unable to truly grasp the heart of the matter, and so instead, she flipped it into terms she could understand, into how she would feel if she were in ruqaiyah's shoes - jealous that the other had the courage to take their life into their own hands, rather than the alternative.

she did not know how to make it different. it was not even that she expected to pick up where they had left things. she were a fool, but not that much of one. it was simply that something was better than nothing - and what existed between them now, the tension and bitterness, wasn't nothing. it was as though they weren't fighting over old hurt, but the very idea that it had ever existed at all.

"as sure as i am that you would get great pleasure from seeing me on my knees," she drawled, unable to stop herself from making things suggestive. "it won't be the ending of me, ru. i've been there. i've done it, and come out the other end. but you... you stagnated. you're still where i left you."

★

ruqaiyah's smile did not waver, though something within it shifted, like silk catching the light just so, revealing a different texture beneath; it were not one of anger, nor even of the sting of wounded pride, but rather one of feeling as though a blow had come to her stomach. "what, you think it a slight to look at me have a place for myself, and act as though it is not you that is the outlier between us?" as though it were dawn itself which had cut away the corset which seemed to hold her together, stitch by stitch; and ruqaiyah did not know what happened when stars burned. combusted, and yet, she felt it weigh heavily upon her at simple words. "do you understand i would have done anything for you? do you understand what it is you have lost?" the fervent loyalty and dedication of the daynes was a birthright; and somewhere along the years, ruqaiyah found herself thinking herself sworn. devoted. she were no knight, and devani was no princess; and yet, it felt like she should have been. in anoher life, perhaps.

and yet - i'm not talking about you and i, ru. just you - was enough to cause her mind to twist.

it were no revelation: there needed to be no sounds of hymns or mantras, nor the ringing of holy bells, or red powder placed between her brows. there was no moment of being awakened, nor no moment of realisation: for she knew. she had always known, and yet the words of devani toland had been made into something they were not in the mind of the grace of the evening...who held such little grace, in reality. there had never been a devani and ruqaiyah. her fingers brushed idly over the rings on her hand, turning them in place, a gesture of lazy indulgence. but in her mind, she were all but bubbling, spiraling; a concoction of toxic substances, brimming over, and there was no stopping the way it burned her hands too when it spilled.

"you speak of my betrothal as though you know of it. you don't. you speak as though it is me whose parents could not stand my presence, and shipped me between various vassal houses. it was not." she had just said it. whether devani noticed it, was something she was no longer privy to; no longer was she able to tell anything. and it angered her. "you return because this is home, devani. and no matter how far you ran, it was always waiting for you." she folded her arms across her silverish coloured blouse, amethyst encrusted bangles glittering as did the pink jewels in her dark tresses.

"you were never satisfied, always wanting more... everything you made for yourself, and in the end, you just...come back. to do what exactly?" she looked at devani there, her nose slightly twisting in judgement: as if to ask, is that supposed to be something special? was devani toland not always supposed to be more than the cage they had all decided to call home? what ever happened to you? "i do not wish to step away. i wish to watch what will become of you. you will end up hating what has become of your life each passing day, doing something you hate. and you know - i am glad for it." there was no anger in her voice, only the cool, effortless confidence of a woman who had never doubted her place in the world.

ruqaiyah dayne did not need to chase after meaning, after purpose—it had been bestowed upon her from birth, and she had embraced it with open arms. it were abundantly clear that, considering devai could not admit her wrongs and put aside her pride, there would be no way to recover the tense relations between the two women. so what now? would she open her mouth to ruin her chances? would she prove to be an issue for her at court? would she attempt to find her way into ravi's bed in an attempt to get in his ear? her mind started whirring, fixating. hating. craving. how could she just be done with her? how did it not bother her, as much as it made ruqaiyah wish to scream into her pillow? why had she not needed her the way ruqaiyah needed her?

"your destruction impacts none more than yourself. when i find you on your knees, i will find great pleasure in the silence you get from me. only then will i forget you."

devani's laugh was soft this time, warm as summer as untroubled. "you speak of me clinging to things that do not exist, but look at yourself, ru. what has changed for you since we were girls? you are still in the same place you were." there was no mockery in her tone - instead, something that danced closer to pity. devani may not have spent the last fourteen years in dorne, but she had not spent them idle. when age etched lines on her face and her body began to fail her, she could say that her youth was not one wasted. ruqaiyah was of the stars, burning stationary and untouchable in the heavens above, but devani was a comet, burning a fiery trail behind her to remind those whose lives she blazed through of her very existence.

"i don't want to replant them." her words were firm. "i do not want to go back to the way things were before i left, or else i may as well have not left at all." she had never spoken to ruqaiyah, to anybody, about what had drove her decision to disappear, one of the many secrets she kept close to her chest. "your brother will kill mine. i'm banking on that. and when he is dead, ghost hill will look to his heir. he will pay the price for his actions. i'm just here to see what's left when he does."

it was more honesty than she had offered to anybody about her re-emergence. even dante uller had not managed to coax the truth of it from her like this.

"i'm not talking about you and i, ru. just you." because that was another truth that ruqaiyah seemed determined to bury. no matter how hard she tried to reduce devani's place in her life to that of a bedmate of her youth, it did not change any of it. "ravi martell is a good man." she said, finally. "and far sharper than you give him credit for by pretending there is nothing to tell. do you think it will take him long to note that you enjoy his title far more than his presence in your bed? to piece together why that is?"

she paused for a moment, shrugging her shoulders in a way that almost seemed as though she cared not. "because for all your talk, ruqaiyah, you aren't subtle. you're still here, because you don't want to step away."

★

she took a step closer, her pale pink silks whispering against the stone floor, her presence nyielding - she never knew when to stop. never knew when to let up, constantly needing to have the final word in every situation and scenario. “but let us entertain the thought, just for a moment. you believe you’ve returned with something to offer, something to prove, but i see through it. you’re like nothing - fading, trying desperately to hold onto something that no longer exists.” her gaze flicked over devani’s bowed head, the mockery in it stoking the embers of her irritation.

“what could you possibly offer anyone now, devani? your roots were severed the moment you left, and no amount of coy glances or veiled words can replant them. what more is there for you here? fixing your brother's mess?” she scoffed, her hand jingling with the sound of amethyst jewels, white gold glinting in the sunlight. "it is my brother that will sort your mess, we all know it. and you will nod and say, okay...as if that would stop anything." there was a level of cruelty in her words now, almost in retaliation to the slow gaze that crept over her figure, and as much as she took pleasure in it, she also found herself bitter by it.

because it changed nothing. her body was just a body to devani toland; she was not special. she was not different. and it was enough to make her want to scream.

ruqaiyah’s laugh came slow, deliberate, curling like smoke in the air between them. she tilted her head, her amethyst eyes dark and calculating as they swept over devani. “oh, darling,” she began, her voice low and rich, tinged with that razor-sharp edge she wielded so effortlessly. “there is nothing to tell ravi. nothing.” her lips twitched into a smile that barely concealed the bitterness lurking beneath. “and even if there were, it would be so insignificant as to hardly warrant his attention.” she turned her head slightly, as though inspecting devani from a new angle, her gaze laden with a judgmental disdain.

“what is it you think i have to tell him, hmm? that two girls used to share a bed? that you used to spend far too much time within my house because nobody wanted you in yours?"

devani exhaled, a sound halfway between a scoff and a laugh. "fear, courage... there's a fine line between them, ru. and in the end, it doesn't matter what lit the fire under my heels. i am here." her words were edged with a note of finality. it did not matter what words ruqaiyah flung at her now, running could not be an option.

and yet, there was something devani could not deny. underneath ruqaiyah's piercing gaze and sharp words was a woman who knew the parts of herself devani had fought for years to hide, to keep concealed behind flippant smiles and smarmy words. here was a woman who knew her from the inside out, even after so many years looking at her through the lens of a teenage girl who still looked at her and saw betrayal.

her gaze dropped, flicking to ruqaiyah's hand for a heartbeat as it brushed hers off, as though to mask the look that crossed her face. when she looked up again, it was gone. "what could i possibly be hiding?" the answer to that was more than she thought even ruqaiyah could imagine. "honestly, ru. you and your conspiracy theories. you'll drive yourself mad." as though she was not the one slowly losing her grip, as though she hadn't accumulated enough secrets to bury her.

she did not answer, instead allowing her eyes to drag over ruqaiyah, slow and leisurely. she could slap away devani's touch, but she could not stop her looking, could not wash away what she wished to pretend had never happened. they had once been everything to each other, until devani had decided to be nothing, a name and a ghost and a memory, which no explanation as to why. even then, she had not shared the reality of life in ghost hill, though ruqaiyah might have guessed as to why she spent so much time anywhere but home.

she straightened, halting her trip through the maze of memories with a deferent bow of her head, but even in that gesture, there was mockery. "as your subject to be then, i suppose i ought to be properly repentant." her tone dripped with sarcasm. "tell me, princess ruqaiyah, how might i atone? should i get on my knees?" there was suggestion in her words, though she quickly dropped it, her tone becoming more thoughtful when she asked again.

"but what will you tell him? that fiancé of yours? because you're right about one thing, ru. nobody can hide forever."

★

ruqaiyah’s lips curled into a slow, deliberate smile, her amethyst eyes narrowing as she studied devani, the words lingering in the air like smoke. she almost found the claim laughable—no winds strong enough? oh, there were winds strong enough. strong enough to carry you away from yourself. but she didn’t say that. not yet. “courage,” ruqaiyah mused, tilting her head slightly, her gaze running over devani as if she were a puzzle yet to be solved.

“you really think that’s what kept you running all these years? courage?” she stepped closer, the words laced with something cold, something biting. “or was it fear, darling? fear of being seen for what you really are. because you and i both know what it is. and it’s never been about courage.” and that was the twisted reality of all that remained in the fractured glass that had become of them; a knowledge, a clear ability to see through one another. there was no way to forget, no way to go back on it.

“you’re bored?” ruqaiyah’s smile widened, sharp as a knife. “as am i. how long did it take for you to get bored? all those years running around pretending—hiding, always hiding. you'll be hiding something over there, no doubt. something that spoiled the fun for you. but now you’re here. chasing a game that no one else is playing anymore.” she pulled away her silks from devani's smooth touch, ignoring the way she seemed to find herself zoning in more on it. on her.

“it is quite the view still, devani. is it not?” ruqaiyah’s voice dropped to a low murmur, an edge of steel in it. her smile faltered for a second, a flicker of the past catching her off guard. memories, god, they never leave, do they? she had given devani everything once, and for what? abandonment. emptiness. she had sat and wondered, rewriting and rewriting letters she would leave her parents. her family. how she would tell them she did not wish to marry. that she wished to be like the rest of dorne.

“you didn’t just look, though, did you?” she said, stepping closer still, her eyes narrowing; but her gaze was dark. “and then you left.” her hand reached out to devani there, moving away her hand from her silks. "we were girls, devani toland. and we are women now. i'll find it within my heart to forgive you, as my soon to be subject." a lie. a complete and utter lie. but she would never miss the chance to remind her of their difference. how lucky she were that ruqaiyah had ever looked in her direction.

"nah. don't think there's winds strong enough to carry me away from my courage." it was not necessarily true. a lover had once told devani she was completely without fear, and she had liked that. but it was not fearlessness that had kept her running all these years. it was quite the opposite, and she did not think any knew that better than ruqaiyah, regardless of whatever playful deflection devani threw her way.

she hummed then, pressing her lips together as though she were deep in thought. but it was another charade, another game. yet another way to see if she could still get under the skin of the lady of starfall. "or maybe i just got bored. hiding's less fun if you're not chasing me."

ruqaiyah pressed closer, and devani found her eyes sliding down her face, studying each of her features. those amythest eyes, with their long lashes, the curve of her cheekbone, the way her lips parted when she spoke and the memory of pressing her own against them. it was a treacherous road to go down, and yet, here she was, throwing herself down it headfirst, as she always did.

"i do." it had been so innocent, in comparison to the lovers that had come after. back then, it had simply been about lying beside one another, charged with something else that was not lust. ruqaiyah had given her an escape from the oppressiveness of ghost hill. devani had repaid that with abandonment. "but that is not the interesting question." she reached out, smoothing a fold in ruqaiyah's pink silks, touch feather-light against the fabric. "because you didn't mind the view either, if memory serves."

★

ruqaiyah tilted her head, a cascade of dark waves brushing against her shoulder as she regarded devani with an expression both amused and cutting. the faint flicker of vulnerability in devani’s words—i’m not going anywhere—was enough to make ruqaiyah’s lips twitch into a slow, deliberate smile. “not going anywhere, are you?” she said, her tone as smooth as polished glass. “i suppose the winds of essos didn’t carry all your courage away, then. or perhaps...” she paused, her violet eyes narrowing ever so slightly.

“you’ve simply run out of places to hide.” there was always something else, some other reason; it was never truthful. it was never simple. everything always had a million reasons.

she took a step forward, deliberate, as if each movement carried its own weight. the years had added a new polish to devani, but ruqaiyah could see the cracks beneath the surface—the hesitation, the weariness that lingered just behind her carefully curated smile. she had seen devani all but stripped bare once before, not just in body but in soul, and the memory lingered like a brand. she had seen her too, in ways no other had ever seen her. no one but her.

“you’ve always been good at playing pretend.” ruqaiyah continued, her voice light, almost conversational, though her words were anything but. “did you like the view?” she asked, her voice dropping, rich with something almost predatory. do you enjoy watching me? “back then, when you slipped into my bed and whispered things you only ever dared in the dark? did you enjoy seeing how far you could push me, how far i would fall for you?” her jaw tightened as a shadow flickered over her expression.

ruqaiyah's words were intended to slice, to cut through the many, many defences devani had thrown up over the years to prevent anybody from knowing her and her secrets. devani could take the jibes and the insults, could let them roll from her back without much trouble, but what bothered her was that ruqaiyah saw the truth of who devani was. it had been years, and yet she saw devani plain, and that was an unsettling thought.

"does that make you the flame?" she replied, smoothly. "burning so bright? you are still here, ruqaiyah, when you are free to turn and walk away. you could have done the moment you saw me, if you wanted me to stay away. funny, that."

they both knew it would do no good. walking away might have ended the conversation for the day, but devani would have sought her out again, like a dog needing to be chased off each morning, and returning without fail the next. and so, around it goes.

"habit's broken," her words were a little more decisive than her previous airy tone. "i'm not going anywhere, ru. i'm getting too old to run."

it was not the whole truth, but it was enough of it. she hadn't known, when she'd arrived back from essos, if she would stay or not, and though a part of her still longed to go again, to leave these shores without a trace of herself behind, she was resigning herself to the fact that wasn't a path left open to her. she needed to stay.

only a mere trace of her careless smile lingered on her lips. for a moment, the two merely looked at each other, the silence stretching for a beat longer than it should. and then, ru stepped back, and it was all broken in an instant. and there was a flicker of something, too fleeting to name, and too sharp to ignore, that she pushed away before her own response came.

"feels like standing too close to the edge of a cliff and hoping the wind doesn't tip you over," the answer came to her tongue a little too quickly, too easily. "but," she shrugged. "i like the view from up there."

★

ruqaiyah tilted her head, her earrings catching the low light as if to emphasize her. always her. the hubbub of the ball carried on around them, but in ruqaiyah’s mind, the room had narrowed to this singular, unwelcome confrontation. devani’s nonchalance was a far cry from the reckless, thoughtless girl she remembered. ruqaiyah didn’t know whether to find it amusing or infuriating. perhaps both.

“oh, how enlightening,” ruqaiyah purred, the sweetness in her tone so cloying it was venomous. “you don’t know why you’re here. typical devani, fluttering in like a moth to flame without thinking about what you might burn.” her lips curved into a smile so perfect it might have graced a painting, though her eyes remained cold.

she smoothed the silken folds of her gown, deliberately elegant, her nails glittering with gemstones as she waved off devani’s comment. “you speak of clinging as if it’s a fault. and yet here you are, circling back to things you claim to have let go.” she leaned closer, her voice dropping to a low murmur meant only for devani.

“you don’t really let go, devani. you just run. a habit, it seems, you’ve yet to break.”

she paused for a moment, dragging her amethyst orbs across devani's face and her frame. it were intentional; and if she had little pride or self respect, she would happily let devani toland take care of her in a range of manners.

pulling back, ruqaiyah laughed lightly, a sound utterly at odds with the tension between them. “but how silly of me. we’re not here to dig up old grievances, are we? we’re grown women now. mature, as they say.” her eyes sparkled with mockery. “so, tell me,” she continued, taking a sip from her goblet as if this were all a game she was winning, “what’s it like, proving you can still get it? how does my attention make you feel, fool of fools?"

"what can i say? i have always been a giver," devani smiled sweetly, though there was just as much sarcasm in her tone as in ruqaiyah's. her eyes followed the arc over ruqaiyah's shoulder, into the path of those stood behind her, and devani offered them an apologetic glance.

it was not true. for most of her life, devani had given little, but she had took, and she took, and then moved on before any could ask anything of her in return. the habits of a lifetime were not so easily broken. "and what is the alternative, ruqaiyah? to cling to everything that i have ever held in my hands and get dragged down under the weight of it all?" perhaps she was too quick to let things go, but at least she was letting go at all. looking at ruqaiyah, she knew how she would rather be.

she paused for a second, mulling over ruqaiyah's words. she was not privy to the coffers of ghost hill, her mother and brother trusting her not with such matters. was that why aditya had done what he did? no, she did not think so. he was an arrogant fool, but not utterly stupid. "that can't be it. even aditya knows that is no way to get a woman's dowry." she spoke not as if ruqaiyah was trying to insult her, but as though they were discussing this normally, rationally.

"it is amusing," she insisted. "and it's silly. all this fuss over something you will never wear again. why does it matter to you so much?" it was the question she had never quite gotten the answer to. the things that seemed so irrelevant, so meaningless to devani always seemed to be of the utmost importance to ruqaiyah. perhaps it was a side effect of living the life that was expected to live, and never broadening her horizons beyond that.

ruqaiyah posed a question of her own, and for a moment, devani struggled with the answer. there really wasn't one, or at least, not one that would satisfy. "i don't know," she admitted. "perhaps just to prove that i still can get it."

★

ruqaiyah’s glossy lips twisted into a sneer, the pastel pink gloss catching the light as she snatched the mask from devani’s hand. “oh, how generous of you, devani,” she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. she only went on to toss it behind her shoulder, not caring if it went straight into another's path - and it definitely had, by the sounds of the exclamation and swearing behind her.

“i suppose it’s easy to give away things you don’t need. after all, you’ve always been so good at discarding things, haven’t you?” and that was the catch to the immaturity that seemed to swirl within the lady of starfall, those whispered to be the grace of the evening - she was unable to seem like she did not care. she was unable to put on a nonchalant swagger to her words; but rather, every word was filled with venom.

she rolled her eyes dramatically, making sure her disdain was evident. “as for charging me by the insult, darling, you’d be wealthier than a lannister by now. and we all know your current situation; why else would your brother try to take safeerah's home?” ruqaiyah’s voice was sharp, her words intended to sting. she couldn’t help but keep pushing, the bitterness of their past still fresh in her mind.

"begging suits you. for attention, maybe even more so for coin."

devani’s laughter only fueled ruqaiyah’s annoyance. “oh, yes, it’s all terribly amusing, isn’t it? chikankari, how quaint. you always did have a knack for finding humor in the most inappropriate moments.” ruqaiyah’s posture remained regal despite the venom in her words as she flipped her perfumed thick silky hair, aiming for it to smack devani - and it did.

"what is it you want from all this begging?" she asked, tilting her head and getting into her usual characteristic bitchy stance. "why do you want my attention so much, hm?"

"you never had any complaints before." her eyes rolled. "you ought to be careful, ru. i might start charging you by the insult one of these days, and you've already racked up quite a debt." it was near predictable, the way ruqaiyah would bite back to the annoyance that was devani, yet she could not help herself. it was as though something in her compelled her to keep needling, keep pushing, to prove that she could still stir in her a reaction.

it was why she clutched on to the mask, despite ruqaiyah's attempts to snatch it back, as though they were toddler children and not two grown women of dorne. mischief danced in her expression - devani cared little for what those in dorne thought of her, but she knew that ruqaiyah did. did she even realise she was making a show of herself, over a mask of all things? or did her hatred for devani outweigh that need to be perfect?

"shame?" for the first time, confusion flitted over her face. what had she to be ashamed of? plenty, she supposed, though she felt it very little, but she did not know what it was ruqaiyah referred to this time.

devani put it from her mind as ruqaiyah stepped closer, one hand leaving the mask to close around her wrist. "if i'm going into the fountain, you're coming with me. choice is yours." the corners of her mouth quirked upwards. she was not sure that she meant that she would drag ruqaiyah down with her, nor whether or not ruqaiyah would call her bluff.

"yes. you're correct. i've been following you for hours, just waiting for the right moment to pounce. however did you guess?" it was an outlandish theory, and yet, there was a truth to ruqaiyah's words that devani would not touch. she had wanted to be first, once, and ruqaiyah would have let her. if only devani had done the one thing she knew she never could have - if she had stayed.

she brushed the thought aside, staring at ru's tantrum for a moment, hand pressed to her mouth to hide her laughter. had she truly just stomped her foot? "o-oh dear," her voice was shaky, not quite able to keep steady where giggles threatened to escape her. "chikankari. how upsetting." there was feigned disappointment in her tone. "what a pity."

she removed her own mask then, holding it out to ruqaiyah. "here. if you are so desperate to hide behind a mask, take mine. i don't need it, anyway."

★

"too pretty for the likes of you. even a mask can't be fixing all that." and for a woman who believed herself to have all the grace of the stars that appeared in the evening, there was absolutely no hint of grace in monitoring the way in which ruqaiyah reached forward to grab hold of her mask again. her hands were like vipers, and snatched it back from the silver string, her face one of utter bitchy contempt as she watched the lady of house toland swing the mask around on one of her fingers.

she tugged it back from devani then, like a bratty spoiled child rather than the oldest daughter of the illustrious house dayne. "you seemed proud enough. not a hint of shame on you." it was the closest thing to a veiled reference to what it was ruqaiyah had witnessed so many years ago: how she had quietly gasped, and how it had struck and punctured an already wounded ego.

"now let go and go speak to whoever it is is willing to be your friend, before i send you into that fountain behind you." she all but hissed beneath her breath, stepping forward to close the distance between the pair. it appeared to outsiders as though they were standing closely together, both holding onto the pale pink mask. she was so sure people were watching, and the strap of her dress was all but pressing into her bare skin; it made her purse her lips, entirely unsatisfied.

she wished to push her over, like they were mere girls again. she instead continued to play tug of war over a mask of all things. "or maybe you were watching and waiting to unmask me. you always had the desperate urge to be the first." there was a double meaning there, kissing her teeth and rolling lilac orbs that no other woman in all of dorne held. "oh, get some sleep and stop thinking of me at night." and she finally managed to tug her mask back from devani, only for it to break.

she stomped beneath the skirts of her pale pink dress, throwing it down onto the ground in a huff. "why would you do that? do you know how much time i spent on the detailing? it's chikankari. and you BROKE IT."

her prize in her hand, devani poked her finger through the eyehole of the pale pink mask, swinging it around in careless circles. she was unphased by the venom in ruqaiyah's glare - if anything, it only made her own expression all the more smug. "pretty mask," she taunted. "different." her own mask was not quite so delicate, a gaudy display of colour and embellishment, and her grinning, mocking mouth revealed where it stopped upon the bridge of her nose.

"oh, i am not so proud. you know that." her voice was almost cheerful in tone. this time, she would not let ruqaiyah get the better of her. why was it she could not leave this woman alone, let her have the distance she so desperately craved from devani? but then, surely there had been enough distance between them already. she could not change the past, could not rewrite what had already been written. and yet, how easy it was to fall into old habits.

ruquiyah wished to act as though she did not exist, and that, to devani, was the worst insult of all. the ire, she could take, even the insults, but to be ignored? no matter where she had gone in the world, she had never been unnoticed. always a delicate balancing act, she liked to be seen, to push that which she wanted people to know to the forefront to conceal that which she didn't.

and what was it that she wanted ruqaiyah to know? everything, and yet, nothing at all.

the gold collected, she held it up for a moment, nodding at ruqaiyah over it, as though to say thanks, to an onlooker, though she knew ruqaiyah enough to know that she would see it as a taunt. perhaps it was. there was a satisfaction in knowing her actions still had some power. if she could not coax words of affection from her again, then this was the next best thing. there was a finer line between caring for someone and being driven mad by them than most people realised.

laughter followed the words, a shake of her head sending her hair flying over her shoulder. "oh, ru. those aren't the rules of the game. if you wanted someone to unmask you, then they should have been quicker about it, anyway." but curiosity nipped at her. who was it that ruqaiyah dayne wished to lower her mask?

she could not help but ask. "who did you have this little arrangement with, then? was it ravi? safeerah jordayne? who else is it you spend your time with these days?" who has your attention? who is in your bed? the questions she did not ask lingered on her tongue.

★

life was doing that thing it always done in the aftermath of a tense conversation or situation: replaying the words uttered over and over again in the mind of the grace of the evening, though in a striking contrast to the majority of humans with a conscience, there did not come waves of regret or even embarrassment for how the situation had unfolded. if anything, the only feels of ire and irritation were aimed at herself, for not escalating matters even further: she was unable to see how that would have done no favours, too wrapped up in her own scars, her own feeling of betrayal.

and so, ruqaiyah had no issue with acting as though devani was not in the room - and those who knew her, knew even that suggested something was there.

for in truth, it was unlikely the lady of starfall would have left anyone who had vexed her to their own devices. it was unlikely she would not have them looking behind their shoulder, or finding a way to further shame them - her cruel streak had apparently weaned, or perhaps it had morphed into a different sort of cruelty. the type where one pretends as though she never existed at all; as though she was not, and never had been, anything special.

it were not as though ruqaiyah did not know how to do such a thing. a pale pink, almost white mask remained upon her features; until it didn't.

there was the feeling of a hand quickly moving to rest on her hip, and ru's brows furrowed, lilac orbs darting downward - and her mask was gone. she had heard of such rumour, and turned to confront the thief - only to find herself looking within the jovial eyes of devani toland, who continued acting as though nothing had happened. it was something ruqaiyah took as a personal insult, a targeted attack on her - how could she do this?

they were in public, in the middle of the day; and as much as ruqaiyah wished to grab her by the hair and shake her, push her into a nearby fountain, she could not.

"some of us don't need gold from others." instead, she shot her a dirty look, her gaze glancing up and down the woman - acting as though the woman had entirely missed the point. her fingers snapped together, a dayne pageboy scurrying toward her; she went into the small pouch of money, and handed it roughly to devani into her hands, as though she were giving money to a begger. "and if you must know, somebody else was supposed to unmask me. thank you for ruining that. " a lie. pettiness.

closed starter for @ruqaiyahdayne setting: lann's day

it was a stupid, and reckless decision. and yet, stupid and reckless was what devani did best.

she had not expected ruqaiyah dayne to welcome her home with open arms. had she done so, perhaps devani would have been more wary, expected some sort of underhanded trick from the lady of starfall. no, ruqaiyah's rage was to be expected, the depths to which she would sink to get the upper hand? devani had quite forgotten just how cruel she could be, when she had a mind to be.

and yet. ruqaiyah had long been the one thing she could never quite let go of, no matter how many years and miles she tried to put between the two of them. devani did not like that. she had never belonged to anybody but herself, but when it came to ruqaiyah, that confidence was shaken a little. she knew she should leave it alone, stop picking at the raw wound that existed between them, but she could not when she was in essos, every few months an anonymous gift with no note attached finding it's way to dornish shores, to ruqaiyah's hands. she must have suspected who sent them.

and she could not leave it alone now. the tension of their last meeting gripped at her. perhaps it was because she was already so weighed down, by the boy who lay in the sewers of king's landing, by what was left of dante uller upon the floors of sunspear, by the selhorys sell sword who had succumbed to a terrible illness and the little boy who now needed to be, somehow, smuggled into dorne, but she could not let it go.

she approached from behind, one hand resting upon ruqaiyah's hip to keep her still, the other lifting the mask from her face. she had known it was ruqaiyah before she had even had to look too closely, the hue of her clothing giving her away, if not anything else. she did not wish to think about the anything else.

she released her grip, stepping backwards with her prize clutched in her hands, waggling it a little as ruqaiyah turned so that she could see what she had done. "i win," she let out a laugh, turning the mask over in her hands. "you ought to be more vigilant, ru. you'd never have won the day like that, anyway."

mask shifted to her left hand, devani held out her right, in the expectation that ruqaiyah would pay her the winnings she was owed. "come on, then. i believe you owe me a little coin now." there was a teasing lilt to her voice. though their last meeting was still fresh on her mind, devani was acting as though nothing had ever happened. as though she was sixteen again. if she were, would she have made different choices, knowing all she did now?

in her heart, she knew the answer was a resounding no.

★

there were lessons learned and lessons forgot, time and time again; felt in the early days of girlhood, where what lay behind the thin veil of the grace of the evening's bed curtain would be enough to cause shockwaves rolling through the halls. lessons of what it felt like to be the centre of something, of being wanted; her spiteful edge had no doubt made her unapproachable and unreliable in regard to friendships.

lessons learned in realising that one could become swept up in the moment, and lessons learned in the cruel reality of hindsight. lessons learned, and lessons forgot; for much to her dismay, the twisting feeling in the pit of her stomach was one of intense jealousy.

gods knew directly what it was relating to, the type of jealousy that was always quick to spring to her mind at the mention of the younger lord of hellholt: but perhaps jealousy in the knowledge that for years, devani had been free to do what she wanted. be who she wanted.

ruqaiyah squeezed a lemon into her goblet, as she did with every drink, staring directly into the gaze of devani toland. "don't call me that." she spoke, dropping all pretence. dropping all formalities.

"stay forever. leave tomorrow. remember. or don't. whatever you do, you have no friend, ally or familiarity in me."

the world had been seen, lessons learned; and in the end, it felt as though the woman sat across from her had done so much. stayed the same whilst changing. and ruqaiyah had remained the same as she always had; the vision of perfection in the eyes of her parents. parent. and now she sat across from her, clearly attempting to make her feel jealous; rub the salt into her wound and hold her into her place whilst it burned.

"now, let us listen to the music....the only show any of us care for." she put on a patronising smile as a swift boundary was drawn in a knife, yet, her hands dug into her skirts.

a cool eyebrow raised, a flicker of something triumphant behind devani's eyes. she wasn't sure - with ruqaiyah, she wasn't sure she'd ever be sure of anything - but she thought that perhaps she could detect a slight hint of something that looked like jealousy.

she smiled then, not the smirk of before but a sloping grin that was perhaps incongruous with the mood that had settled over her when dante uller's name was first mentioned. it did not have to go this way. despite what people may have assumed about her, given the way that she lived her life, devani was not the argumentative sort. the fact it went this way was down to ru, and ru alone, but devani had been pushed too far. how was it that ruqaiyah always knew what to say, what buttons to push to send her over the edge, even after all these years?

"of course i did." she scoffed. "in fact, he was my first port of call when i returned. i've spent more time at hellholt than ghost hill since i returned." even if she was wrong, if it wasn't jealousy ruqaiyah was feeling, there was a grim sort of satisfaction in the fact that she had, at least, proven ruqaiyah wrong.

"i think you have gotten me all wrong, ru." she had meant to call her lady dayne, but the habit had yet to die. "perhaps you forget. i never claimed to have been right." and that was the difference between the two. ruqaiyah demanded perfection, where devani embraced the absence of it.

there had been times, whilst she had been away, as recently as six months ago, where she had found something that reminded her of ruqaiyah. she had sent it to starfall, with no name, and no note. had her trinkets been received? did ruqaiyah know who carefully wrapped them in scented silks, and sent them across the sea?

devani snorted. if ruqaiyah meant to unnerve her by pointing out aditya toland's flaws, she would get nothing but agreement from devani. "if i waited for aditya to protect me, i'd be waiting a long time." in her disdain for her brother, she was perhaps the clearest she had been all night. "but yes. i do recall my time in starfall. glad to hear that you do, also."

had ruqaiyah realised she had let the mask slip? that her own lips had informed all who still listened to their terse words that the two had spent time together. they were not strangers.

"i'm not sure yet." in truth, she wasn't. "i'm here for now."

★

she only theatrically shrugged.

bluntness was a cursed habit of house dayne; all members seemingly having short tongues, their affinity to wrapping it in lace, flowers and silver was what differed from individual to individual - the very opposite of ambiguity, of double meanings, and looking too close into something. it would be a lie to say ruqaiyah dayne was not one to make ambiguous comments in passing with the sole intention of making another feel nervous or insecure about themselves; it was in her early girlhood she realised ambiguity could be a weapon.

"did you ever try to reach out to your childhood friend?" ruqaiyah asked, amethyst hues flickering away from a vivid dark gaze toward the food that was now cold on the plate before her. "perhaps he did not adjust well to your vanishing act."

one she felt now, sitting on the opposite of this damned table, and she found herself doing mental gymnastics attempting to work out what it was devani was truly saying. how she hated it, when she was on the receiving end. hypocritical to her very core; her hand remained beneath her chin as she merely looked upon the woman opposite her with a torn look. one of scathing judgement, as though she were vermin beneath her shoe; and the other side being one rooted in fractured insecurity.

"then again, why would you? that would require you to be able to admit when you've done wrong, and both of us do not have the time to unwind the length of that scroll."

dying for answers of questions she had always buried deep within her for years, though was never able to ask them - for she never had an address of where to write. the letters never came with any confirmation of identity, never came with any inclination of where she could write anything back: even across the narrow sea, devani toland had some control over her ability to open her mouth and say anything.

her gaze narrowed when she mentioned baashir; baashir did not get angry. he was the perfect knight, and he was doing his duty. so he beat a man to a pulp, who gave a shit when the man was a traitor? his life meant nothing anyway. "well, some of us have brothers who actually protect their families. you know baashir, devani - considering you stayed some time with us." to be away from whatever hell hole ghost hill was.

how it had taken time for ruqaiyah to be willing to open her mouth and speak on the truth of who she was: how she was ready to tell devani she would sit both of her parents down and speak the truth to them - that she did not wish to marry, that she did wish to set foot in a sept she did not believe in. that devani toland would not be a secret. and with a gust of wind over sails, that came to a sudden, screeching end. instantly, the rose hue faded to black and white, and the bubble burst: it had all been in her own head.

a foolish, naive girl believing none other compared, that she stood alone. "are you intending on staying, lady toland?"

she wasn't sure why she hadn't anticipated this, why it had taken her so by surprised when the subject of dante was broached. she had been lucky, thus far, that nobody else had approached her so pointedly. conversations about dante had been few and far between, usually accompanied by offers of condolences from them, and assurances from devani that she had no idea what her friend had been up to. that wasn't a lie. dante had kept her in the dark - and she was eternally grateful that he had.

but if devani had forgotten the depths to which ruqaiyah could stoop, she had forgotten how resilient devani could be. was she not the girl who had left dorne with nothing, who had flitted from place to place, building a new life for herself each time? the silence was a sign of her displeasure, but she would not remain quiet.

"i do not know what curse gripped dante uller's heart in my absence," the words were more for the benefit of anybody still listening to the conversation than ruqaiyah, a simple statement that washed her hands of any guilt, and addressed the lady of starfall's words without ambiguity, without shame. devani toland would not be cowed.

"but i mourn the friend i've known since my childhood." and there, she moved back into ambiguity, because those words could apply to dante uller - but they could just as easily be affixed to ruqaiyah dayne, because devani had mourned her, and thought of her, and wanted her. even when she hated her.

"yes, i hear your lord brother's fury was a sight to behold. tell me, does he often lose control of himself like that?" it was a dangerous hand to play, and yet, devani chose to throw that card on the table regardless, a reminder that the daynes of starfall were not as perfect, as infallible, as ruqaiyah was painting them to be. "let us all be thankful that we have our first minister to dispense justice upon the wicked, hmm?" and there, she retreated back into what was safe, a place where nobody could twist her words and paint them as a slight on baashir dayne. they were blessed to have him, a shining star of the dornish court.

devani hated this game.

"i suppose we do," devani's eyes burned as they met ruqaiyah's once more. try again. her lips twisted into a mirthless smirk. "there is nothing sadder than someone who holds on to hate for things they can't control, is there?"

★

she knew not what test it was that dictated her choices; her words, actions and thoughts alike that felt as though she needed to live up to something the other sat across from her would not understand or be able to fathom. the concept of living according to an established set of rules, rules she decided did not apply when conversing with others that were not the same as her.

"you admire people who try hard to be different, yes." rules she would set ablaze and burn her own skin to discard of, just to feel the sensation of throwing it to the wind, to the tornado, to the earthquakes.

"some people are just above others." there was a cold glint that came over sparkling orbs at the sound of the laughter that slipped from the woman opposite her. there were many things that caused ruqaiyah dayne to become unpolished: the sparkle to cease, and the roughness around her edges becoming sharp - to feel as though her pride had been wounded was a fatal mistake. "some even have the lowest of low above them."

and in this moment, as she found herself doing the opposite of disassociating, she only fixated on the sound of the laughter; and she wondered if that very same laughter had rung atop the deck of whatever vessel, in whatever bedchamber, at the mere prospect of the words that had been whispered between one another. she felt herself burn even more now, a silent simmer; of shame, and of longing.

there was a tut that came from her when the wine spilled onto the table cloth from lady toland's goblet.

"thankfully, my lord brother discarded of such a stain within our sphere." another instance of house dayne proving themselves to be the most worthy of houses in dorne. the most valiant, and the most dedicated - to themselves, and to duty. she saw a flicker of pain cross over dark features, and she felt a thrill to know she was able to do achieve such an effect. it meant ruqaiyah was not the same woman who fell into the web of such a spider.

it meant she too was poison - why did she want to be poison? and then she felt her stomach twist in a warped irritation. even after all of these years, it was him that could get her to stop. to get something human to cross her features, rather than the colour red.

"and now we move on." she spoke, her words illicit with a double meaning as she reached forward to take another goblet of wine from the centre of the table.

there was an attempt at an insult, and it took everything in devani not to laugh out loud at it. perhaps ruqaiyah had forgotten, in their years parted, that devani cared little for being like everyone else. it was the precise reason she had departed in the first place, so that she could do as she pleased, wear as she pleased, live in exactly the way she wanted to and enjoy every moment of it. she knew little of lady dayne's life since she had left it. had she ever had a moment like that? ever filled her days with something not because she had a duty to it, but purely because she wanted to? devani didn't know.

"all the more reason not to wear dornish fabrics, then," devani waved a hand dismissively. "i've always admired people who take it upon themselves to make their own mind up about these things, rather than paying attention to what everyone else is doing." once she had crossed the rhoyne for the first time, it had hit her how little the life she had left behind mattered. dorne was a small corner of a wider world - one ruqaiyah had never seen. devani could almost pity that.

she couldn't help it this time: when ruqaiyah called her by a name that wasn't hers, devani laughed, and it was genuine, because it was utterly ridiculous. call it arrogance, but she did not believe that ruqaiyah had forgotten her. the more she tried to make it seem as though it was so, the more it felt like a farce. "i don't agree," she raised her shoulders in a shrug."i think people like to believe they have changed. risen above," she rolled her eyes. "but the core of who you are stays the same. there's no changing that."

the reaction from devani at the hint of what had happened to dante uller was not instant. rather, it dawned upon her face slowly, the light in her dimming as her smirk fell, her eyes widened, and she lapsed into silence. she looked like she might be sick. ruqaiyah had aimed for her jugular, and the knife had slid under her skin like butter. devani set her cup down upon the table, so hard that the wine spilled over the edge and stained the cloth that covered it, and she finally tore her gaze away.

in the back of her head there was a phantom cry of pain, and she did not know if it belonged to dante uller, or the boy who had been buried under the filth of king's landing.

it hit her then how calculated the move had been. ruqaiyah had commanded the attention of the others that sat with, made sure all had heard the comment and had their eyes on devani as she reacted. the silence echoed loudly. she had no words for ruqaiyah dayne in that moment. for the first time in almost as long as she could remember, devani was rendered utterly speechless.

★

it had only taken a moment for the lady of starfall to find herself regretting the half compliment she had been kind enough to throw in the direction of devani toland, the same way one would throw scraps from their dinner table for their dogs remaining at their feet. the gaze she felt upon her was one that simmered with a sense of heat; a look she had forgotten in feeling, but not in appearance - the slight twinkle of dark orbs, and words that said nothing but everything all at once.

the west side of the east. even her answers were complicated, vague, and ambiguous. and it frustrated her so. still, more like; and that only made her more irritated with herself. her amethyst gaze flickered over the garments once again, in a gaze that was tainted with both judgement, and curiosity. as though there would some clue, some piece of her map that remained upon her. "not quite up to date though."

she used a hand to wave toward the other women on the table, who no doubt were going in and out of listening to their conversation. it was also a move to gain attention, considering her bangles clinked. she wanted eyes fixed upon them for the next conversation. "everyone knows we all wear dornish fabrics now."

and yet, it had always been her very complication that had always drawn the starlight of starfall to the all encompassing what-if that was the ghost of ghost hill. her ability to question everything, and do things because she wanted to; rather than being because of expectations, of tradition and of culture. her being a walking question mark, in contrast to the finality of a period that was ruqaiyah; the haunting of what ifs.

ruqaiyah dayne in her essence was vain, and enjoyed the feeling of eyes upon her; whether it be for the clothes she was wearing, or for other things. her looks, her manner, her lineage that was the matter of myth. many likened themselves to stars across the length and breadth of westeros; and yet, she was the brightest of stars in the sky.

and then came an amused smile, mirrored with a feminine laugh; a scoff. a brush off. "oh, people change devina." a wrong name, in front of multiple eyes. ruqaiyah's gaze seemed lit with something. was it attention? was it finding herself twirling into a trip? was it enjoyment in her mean spirit? "people who claim otherwise are those trying to find some connection with people that have long since forgotten them."

and then their gaze locked.

"so, what gossip have you heard about people who do not change? i heard it got quite messy in sunspear."

looking upon ruqaiyah's face once more stirred something strange in the pit of devani's stomach, feelings long buried, even if thoughts of her had refused to stay shackled in the graveyard of devani's memory. she had forgotten what it was to stand close to her, to stand in awe under the glow of starlight and feel blessed that it chose to shine on her.

the way ruqaiyah spoke to her now was not shining or glowing, and yet, the craving within devani to feel that once more worked its way up her spine regardless. time and distance had not been enough to rid her of her addiction to the lady of starfall. it did not matter that ruqaiyah chose to greet her under the guise of an acquaintance, a stranger, even. she was speaking to her with something that resembled civility, and that was enough for now.

"the years have been kind." to both of them, in physicality if nothing else. she knew little of what exactly ruqaiyah had been doing in the years that parted them, and did not want to talk about the stains they had left on her own soul.

"hmm," devani looked down at her attire. of course, her ru would notice the fabric was not westerosi in origin, but she couldn't for the life of her remember where it had came from. "myr, maybe? could have been pentos. definitely the west side of the east." it was an non-committal answer. the kind devani was very, very good at.

she raised her cup to her lips and drank, but still, she did not look away. she had been so nervous, so frightened to face ruqaiyah again, and now, she wanted nothing more than to look at her, to take in what she had denied herself for far too long.

do you find sunspear much different?

i do now my best friend's brains have decorated it's halls.

it was the response devani wished to give, and it was on the tip of her tongue, but she bit it back. what good would it do her to crusade for vengeance for dante uller in a court that had already condemned him? what could she gain, except to be consigned to the afterlife alongside him?

instead, devani shrugged. "not so," even if ruqaiyah would not look at her for longer than a second, devani would not avert her gaze. it was almost a silent dare at this point, a will for the woman to meet her eyes and look. "some things do not change." plenty had, but dorne was still dorne. in many ways, her return had been like stepping in back in time. "people, especially, are usually much the same, no matter how much they think time has effected them. don't you think?"

★

a part of her was perplexed upon realising that the ghost of ghost hill had remained standing before her, gaze sweeping over the grace of the morning as though in any moment the mosaic would shatter, and this was the last moment. perhaps she had not been expecting to see her here, and there was some egotistical surge at the idea that she managed to render devani speechless; for once.

but then again, why was she thinking as though she still knew devani toland? who even was she?

why was she thinking she could guess anything about the woman's behaviour, as though they had not been strangers for over a decade. she did not know her anymore, and that creeping realisation came as ruqaiyah still refused to look toward her. looking at anyone, or anything else; ever the social climbing butterfly, she would indulge in mindless chatter if it meant she did not need to face what was brewing.

and when she looked briefly at her deewani devani, she noted there was a usual smirk on her features; and she felt her stomach drop.

how? how was it someone was able to still put up such a facade, such a portrait? was it not exhausting? would it not be better should they sit across from one another and pretend they did not need to speak. her brother had just murdered her best friend, there was an impenetrable excuse.

"lady toland." ruqaiyah greeted, her tone seemingly posed and graceful; she spoke with the prejudice and ancient lineage of starfall, and it's descendents. she felt as though the sun, the moon and the stars were falling on her this moment. she ignored the slight ache that came in her chest at the compliment; how words of affirmation from her had always had such an effect on her. made her feel like her heart was blooming - the first rain of the year.

"yes, i do." she responded, her own pride ringing true in her words. there was a dramatic pause, awkward in it's very essence as she looked back at him. contemplating whether to even say her next words. "...so do you, i suppose." ruqaiyah decided, in that moment, that she would act as though nothing had ever happened. there was a smile being offered in her direction, an olive branch; and the smile in return was one of pure civility, and falsehood.

ruqaiyah liked fashion. devani knew she did. they could talk about that. "nice sari...essosi silk?" she asked, reaching forward to take a piece of the sweet barfi. "where about?" where have you been? where did you go? whatever it was that made things awkward, no longer existed. what was their to think fondly on and even remember? nothing. these were two strangers sat at a table. she did not remember. she would not remember. she leaned forward, looking for her brother in the crowd, or for lady jordayne. "do you find sunspear much different?"

devani's reintroduction to dorne had been slow. she did not burst back into the lives of everyone she knew all at once, a glorious firework that demanded all attention. no, she had opted for a more gradual approach. first to dante, which had gone well, then to her family, which hadn't. she had spent the weeks since her feet had once again touched dornish sand slowly, steadily, creeping her way back into the lives of those she had known before, and all she hadn't.

it had been a plan of mixed effects. successful, in that she had managed to reintegrate herself without too much bother. flawed in that, despite her caution, she had still attracted the wrong sort of attention. that wasn't devani's fault, though. she certainly could not control what people were doing around her. without knowing it, the actions of the man she had called her dearest friend had left her between a rock and a hard place. and so, despite her instincts screaming at her to flee, she stayed, and she smiled and sympathised and pretended like she understood why dante uller had to die in order to keep her own back free of any knives.

despite recent events, she had been back long enough to be comfortable. she had spoken to most of those she had left behind her, and had largely been forgiven for the transgressions of choosing herself. there was only one familiar face she was doggedly avoiding, but she deemed sunspear a safe place to hide from ruqaiyah dayne.

until it wasn't.

devani approached her seat, and she froze. for the first time in many, many years, the wandering lady of ghost hill didn't know how to react, for there was ruqaiyah, no longer a girl freshly emerging from adolescence but a woman grown. her eyes met devani's, and she saw that there was recognition there. it was enough to knock the breath from her lungs.

and then she looked away, but devani did not, could not. she stood there, hovering for a moment, her eyes fixed on drinking in every aspect of her appearance in silence, noting what had changed and what had not.

after what felt like eternity, but may have been mere seconds (devani didn't know. it was as though time had ceased to pass), she took her seat, taking longer than necessary to arrange herself in it to delay the inevitable, to compose herself. when there were no more skirts to straighten and cutlery to rearrange, nothing left but to speak.

she lifted her head, her lost expression gone and replaced with her trademark smirk, but her eyes told a different story. in them was all the panic of a wild animal, poised to flee from a predator's hunt.

"hello, ru," the old, affectionate nickname slipped from her lips before she could stop herself. she desperately tried to recall what was said when last they saw each other. would it be better if their parting had been on a soft note, or a blaze of fire? devani didn't know, and couldn't remember.

she had left so many behind, and within a few months across the narrow sea, she had stopped thinking of them at all. even dante uller had crossed her mind only rarely. but ruqaiyah dayne had found herself the subject of devani's thoughts more than most, an echo on her heartbeat that she had tried and failed to drown out again and again and again. how could she put that into words? what could she say that would ever live up to fourteen years of silent thoughts from half a world away?

"you look well." complimenting her appearance seemed like a safe bet. once more, devani's eyes sought ru's out, but she seemed determined to look anywhere that was not devani. "it's good to see you." if she wasn't so focused on keeping a smile on her face, devani would have winced at the utter drivel falling from her lips.

who: @devanitoland when and where: sunspear, shortly following the murder of dante uller by baashir dayne and the introduction of ruqaiyah dayne to the court of sunspear. there is a grand feast going on with specifically assigned seating, and ruqaiyah finds herself sat at a table with a very, very, familiar stranger. tdlr: that feeling when ur 10 year long situationship shows up

her visit to sunspear would most likely be permanent this time, and it was something she had not fully thought through until the wagon was already days into the journey - she found herself wondering whether that had been intentional, to make the change of setting as easy and minimal as possible. ruqaiyah hoped not, for she wished her departure from her home to be full of emotional theatrics, with elephants adorned in colourful fabrics and colour filling the air.

now she was here, back in the capital city: where she had been before, though it felt like each time she arrived, there was some update. someone had died.

there was assigned seating at this table, and she noted there were multiple notable women of various houses of dorne: and she did not pay enough attention to one of the names that would have been enough to cause her to get up and demand to sit at another table. perhaps because she was too engrossed in gossip about what the princess loreza martell was wearing, she was within such conversation when another face appeared before her.

"my eyes are increasingly fixed on one person." "don't say that." "but i did." "who?" "you've run out of questions now, ru." she had seen it, and heard it, through a rose coloured haze.

one would be able to see her expression change ever so slightly as she looked upon devani toland for the first time in over a decade, as though she had risen from the dead: of course she had heard of her return and all the rumours attached to them. a flicker of realisation, her words slowing for a moment, before she simply looked away; acting as though she was not at the table at all. none would have noticed the way her heart was thumping, and how suddenly increasingly numb she began to feel.

a door slammed. "you said your eyes were fixed on one person. one. person." "did you take it seriously? we were drinking." "but you said it." "so?" "do you tolands know how to count?" she had seen it, and heard it, through no haze.

how she wished to get up and demand to be sat elsewhere. she found herself looking anywhere but at her, speaking to women and aunties of various social circles as they walked by her; and still, she had not said hello. she would not say hello first. she refused to say hello first.

and if devani toland did not say hello first, then devani toland was not sat opposite ruqaiyah dayne. it was an empty seat.