Some Introspection - Blog Posts

Silence

You don't know what battles I am fighting

You don't know the ones I am winning and losing

You don't know if my breakfast is sweet or bitter

You don't know if I am returning to a bed of flowers or nails

You don't know if I am having nightmares

You don't know if my mornings are even fair

You just know I speak less

You don't know that each of my actions are shouting ahead

You don't know enough because I am not willing to tell

You don't know enough because you are not the risk I am willing to take

I am an introvert, you think I like playing safe

But you don't know even privacy is like a fire play

What feminism means to me?

Whenever I come across a new word, my first approach towards understanding it, is through the kind of words it is related to or the impression that word has on me. And only when I don't find either of it, I go for the dictionary. So, when I came across this word "FEMINISM" my basic approach told me that it is a word related to females and it's impression was that, it is related to some bigger cause. Therefore for a very long time the meaning of feminism for me was supporting women and their growth. But little did I know that this small word means something completely different.

Feminism as I now know is supporting equal rights to both the sexes. Yes, the meaning I earlier made out really seems correct because eventually females are the oppressed class and if we help them grow then the meaning of feminism will be fulfilled. But still this approach lacks the real essence. I mean personally I don't want a single place to give women preferential treatment, I don't even like the reserved seats in bus for women, because if you are reserving seat for women then why not you label the other seats as reserved for men. The truth is even if we ask the government to label the other seats as men's seat they won't, because it will make men look weak, it will make them look as the class of society who needs preference/reservation in such basic things, especially when they are "strong" enough to stand in the bus all through the journey (which they definitely don't do but they are strong enough). I think labelling seats as reserved for pregnants, sick patients and elderly is the correct approach. I don't know what you think but for me indirectly getting labelled as weak who needs support is not feminism at all.

I know that we are not biologically same, we have our differences and no matter what, they won't change. But when men and women can climb the same Mt. Everest, why can't they achieve the same respect in society. My question is why does a female manager gets less wages than a male manager, even when the man manages just his office while a woman manages her family and office together. I have heard people discuss greatly of single dads but a woman is always a single mom. I agree that time is changing dads are more involved now but still in most of the Indian households it is still the mother who is responsible for a child's health, education, upbringing, etc the only contribution dad's have is giving money and majority of women can earn that also now. Still I haven't heard a single person saying "she brought up her kid alone". So no appreciation at work or home for females, and that's precisely what needs to be changed.

There are so many causes which we take under the movement of feminism but in reality belong to the movement of humanity. Do you think domestic violence is something feminists should fight for or humanists should fight for? Like as a feminist I must have one approach that I don't care if domestic violence is considered correct but if it is correct then women should also get a chance and not be judged for beating up their husbands. Like that is what we are asking "equal rights". So for me it is something humanists should fight for and not feminists. I guess you would have understood by this description that there are so many things, so many instances and moments where we women are not even treated like humans. So, yes how can we jump on getting equal rights if we are not even getting basic human rights.

This is why the meaning of feminism is so blurry because we have to fight for basic rights first then only we can aim for equal rights. In all this, I am still against reservation for women because anyhow labelling us weak is not true to the essence of feminism. I am clearly against undermining the good men by accusing "all men". I am against not fighting those women who act even worsely than men and are the biggest hater of a woman's growth. So today and everyday I ask the world to treat me as they would treat a woman, but to end all differences between a man and a woman. I think most of the women, girls, females want the same thing.

In an ideal world I hope that all men and women are equally appreciated, supported and treated. I hope there are more scenarios where we act as humans and not men or women. I hope we could clear the gender boundaries at workplaces, public places and become more respectful of each other. We don't have to worry because all consider each other as humans respect each other's rights and existence. Most importantly we don't have to fight for basic human respect.

Balance

I was trying to create balance,

No wonder it was a challenge,

I was choosing all the rights,

I was just trying to be white.

Although it was tiring,

My conscience was firing,

Doing all the virtues,

Was something like a painful curfew.

But one day I slacked,

And my efforts started to lack,

Surprisingly everything got easy,

Only my conscience was a bit squeasy.

But it was not hurting,

So i decided not to try diverting,

Soon the wrongs got too much,

Without even realizing good was lacking touch.

Vices took the hold,

Introspecting was now too bold.

Soon new strategy was needed,

Because my heart pleaded.

So i took a side stage,

Not acting to any rage,

But was it a vice or a virtue,

I was now ready for rescue.

Someone came and told that the answer in within,

Please open your heart’s bin.

I thought and overthought,

Was it the trouble where I got caught?

Did I choose vices to lose the hard work?

Was I not seeking good for the perk?

But who decides what is right and wrong?

Is there anyone that strong?

My heart had a single answer to these,

You can do as you please.

Till its not hurting anyone,

Not today, not tomorrow or ever in the long run.

Neither too much of virtues nor too much of vice,

You should have a bit of every slice,

You get to choose you,

You get to help the queue.

Balance is the only thing,

It will be hard and will even sting.

Still we need to fight,

And follow our path of light.

Vices and virtues don't get a say,

It is us with whom the decision stays.

It's so intimidating to see myself in a mirror because I see me and then this another person who is not me. A person who is just an amalgamation of my mother, my father and my grandparents. A person who is not one but many. And it is so amazing and frightening at the same time. The fact that like every other thing, like every other incident, and person, you also hold the potential to be beautiful and scary not only to others but to your own self too.

Found the diagnosis to my problems...

Autophobia

Morbid fear of solitude, or of being left alone, abandoned or ignored.

P.S.: Solitude is often good but the rest are just dreadful.

Didn't say goodbye?? Why??

Life is a journey indeed but why are we supposed to keep on moving and moving. Journey is about enjoying, feeling and then moving, taking stops when you need to, being able to get tired, being able to feel refreshed, being able to make connections, and most importantly being able to say goodbye to one stop and then move on to the next.

But I guess in the journey of life neither have I received enough goodbyes to forget people, nor I have got enough time to say goodbyes to enough people. I hate when people ABSQUATULATE. I hate when I ABSQUATULATE. But is it anyone's fault?

Life is running so fast that we are always afraid of missing on something in future, even if we are missing on our present for it. Our ambitions make us run from people we love, we leave without saying goodbye because we don't realise we are leaving, we think we are around but by the time we look back, we have actually reached miles and miles away. Away from the people we thought we will never leave.

We think that the person who is now miles away might have moved that distance on his own, maybe you were still at the same place but the other one has drifted apart. But no one knows for sure because you didn't say goodbye first and neither did the other person. So now you don't know how to ask if it was you that moved faraway or if it was them.

You are tired now you want to sit and think but life is still moving, you are still afraid of missing things if you stop. You again absquatulate and move on. And the cycle continues...

It makes me, me

I was waiting for my feelings to go numb

I was waiting for that day but I was dumb

I thought that with each day the wound would grow old

I expected that each day would make me cold

But little I realised

And very little I was surprised

With each passing day

My feelings started spreading like a ray

It reached ever nook and corner of my existence

But I was still hoping with persistence

It was so difficult to feel

The reason I thought time would heal

Soon I had a lot of opinions

Surprisingly they made me cry more than onions

Soon the tree of feeling got a strong hold

Now I knew nothing was going to get old

All experiences and incidents

Were giving my wounds new dents

Crying became a constant part of my lifestyle

Funny enough that it was just a more defined form of my old style

I didn't know what to do with so much going on inside

Never realised it would be so much more than what was going outside

Checking and rechecking all emotions

Hide and seek with everything was in motion

Defining the ideas I had was important

Knowing I was right was like a reinforcement

I knew the wounds are not going now

But still adapting raised the question how

Connecting dots was a daily routine

Adulting is much more difficult than being a teen

Sensations, feelings and emotions are always going to be difficult for me

But when I introspect I realise it makes me, me.