Spacetalks - Blog Posts

Nothing feels real anymore.

EVERBODY always lies to me and I am stuck feeling like an idiot because I care about honesty. Why does nobody ever mean what they say? What even is the point in saying anything then?.

Beth lied to me.

She lied about her parents. About everything.

She knew what she was doing. She knew all along and she still let me believe it was all me. But she was the liar all along!.

I don’t even know what’s real anymore. I can’t think. I can’t breathe.

Everything hurts and I just want it to stop..

I hate her. I wish I never met her.

Hi Adam! I hope you're having a good day. I have a NASA shirt and a bracelet with planets n it that remind me of you.

Have you heard about the two astronauts that recently came back from space after being up in the ISS for a long time? What are your thoughts on that?

- 🧷 anon

Good evening!,

That is kind of nice to hear, actually. About the bracelet and the shirt.

And yes, I did read about the two. Spending that long in microgravity changes your body in ways we still don’t fully understand. It’s incredible what the human body can adapt to—but also, what it can’t. Your muscles atrophy, bone density drops, your cardiovascular system shifts. Even your eyesight can change. Some astronauts develop something called SANS—spaceflight-associated neuro-ocular syndrome. And then there’s the radiation exposure. Being up there for months is like being slowly rearranged by space. I think there must be something quietly haunting about coming back to Earth after so long..

Generally speaking, if somebody cares about you, they won’t actively try to change you, correct?.

I just want to make sure I understand that correctly.

What’s your coping mechanism for anxiety ?

I don’t really have a proper coping mechanism for anxiety. I fidget a lot, but it’s never been bad enough that I had to figure something out. Lately, though, I’ve been listening to more music than usual. It helps filter out all the noise.

I actually started doing that a few weeks ago because of a song someone send to me.

I don’t feel that way with you though.

I never have so far.

I have learned that people say they want me to be myself, but they rarely ever mean it.

They mean: be myself, but in a way that makes sense to them. Be myself, but not so much that they have to rethink anything. Be myself, but not in a way that makes them wonder if they even know me at all. In a way that won’t embarrass them. And now I’m the one hesitating, trying to figure out what I’m apparently not giving—something I wasn’t even aware was missing.

And I have to wonder if I’m the one getting it wrong.

Hey Adam :D I just started my transition journey and I was wondering what your thoughts are on the trans/queer community 🫶

Of course I support them. I don’t see why I wouldn’t. Discriminating against people for existing has never made any logical sense to me. It’s not hurting anyone. It’s just reality.

I know what it’s like to be perceived as complicated for no reason. To feel like you have to explain yourself when there’s nothing to explain.

Wishing you all the best with your transition.

I have learned that people say they want me to be myself, but they rarely ever mean it.

They mean: be myself, but in a way that makes sense to them. Be myself, but not so much that they have to rethink anything. Be myself, but not in a way that makes them wonder if they even know me at all. In a way that won’t embarrass them. And now I’m the one hesitating, trying to figure out what I’m apparently not giving—something I wasn’t even aware was missing.

And I have to wonder if I’m the one getting it wrong.

thoughts on the planet ceres?

A dwarf planet trapped in the asteroid belt. Too small to be a proper planet, too large to be just another rock. Suspended between definitions, never quite one thing or the other. It holds more water than any world in the inner solar system apart from Earth, but no one really talks about that. No one really talks about Ceres at all.

It was the first asteroid ever discovered. They thought it was a planet at first. It lost that title when they found others like it, but for a while, it was something more. Something significant.

I think that’s a shame.

Errr Tonny here, you haven’t reported back to me since i gave you that xan.. you okay man?

( @coke-n-dope )

If by ‘okay’ you mean having ‘a fascinating exercise in futility,’ then sure, it went great. I did my research. I was responsible. I accounted for every possible variable—set a timer, had water ready, prepared an ideal environment, even had a list of things to do in case I started feeling weird. Which was, in hindsight, incredibly naive, because there is no logical preparation for feeling like your brain is unraveling in slow motion. No amount of planning prevents the creeping dread that your heartbeat is somehow both too slow and too loud. At one point, I was convinced I had unlocked a hidden layer of reality where time moves at half-speed and all sounds echo.

Long story short: I will not be pursuing further studies in pharmacology

Do not take any medication from Doctor Hannibal Lecter. This is a warning Adam.

I don’t understand the concerns about Dr. Lecter.

I have yet to have any negative experiences with the way he handles my therapy. However, I didn’t take any medication from him; he didn’t prescribe any to me.

Please Adam no matter what, do not go to Maryland.

There’s things there that you shouldn’t have to see, people you shouldn’t encounter.

Adam you’re a good soul. I knew a man just like you and he is slowly losing himself.

I wouldn’t want that happening to you.

-🐺

I’m not sure if I know you. You seem to know me, or maybe you don’t and are just acting weirdly without being prompted. I’m willing to consider either possibility.

I actually got a great job offer in Maryland! I haven’t told Beth about it yet. I’m not sure if she’d want to move there or if she’d consider staying together if I lived further from New York.

So, I might have to decline the offer anyway…, though I’ve often thought about moving out of the city since my dad passed away.

Have you taken any photos of raccoons? And if so, which is your favourite? I hope your having a good day :D

Hello!,

Yes, I have.

I recently took this picture. It isn’t really good, you can barely see the Raccoons due to the bright city lights. But that day was really precious because the Raccoon family stayed for so long.

I spent almost the entire night there.

Do you have a favorite planet Adam? I feel like nobody asks you about your interests anymore

I am always happy when I can answer questions that relate to my life or interests!. Maybe even more these days than ever, it sort of calms me down, talking about things I know.

If we’re being technical, Pluto doesn’t qualify as an answer. It was reclassified as a ‘dwarf planet’ in 2006, which means it no longer holds planetary status. That being said, when I was younger, it was my favorite—small, distant, and debated over by scientists who couldn’t quite decide where it belonged. It might be irrational but i always thought there was something unfair about that. If something existed, if it mattered for years, how could people just decide it didn’t count anymore?

Neptune is my usual answer. Its winds are the fastest in the solar system, yet it remains so far away that people rarely think about it. It exists in quiet extremes.

Venus also comes to mind… It’s hostile to life, and most people don’t think much of it beyond its brightness in the sky. But I’ve learned that brightness can be deceptive. Just because something appears beautiful doesn’t mean it isn’t dangerous, and just because something is dangerous doesn’t mean it isn’t worth understanding.

hi adam! i hope you’re well :) i just got a late diagnosis of autism (i’m 23!) and i was wondering if you had any advice for self care and such after a diagnosis? i’m totally comfortable with who i am and how my brain works, it’s still just lots to process !!

Hello. First of all, congratulations on your diagnosis. I assume that might seem like an odd thing to say, but I mean it sincerely—understanding yourself better is always a good thing, even if it takes time to process.

I know it did for me.

I was diagnosed early in childhood, so I can’t speak to the exact experience of learning this about yourself as an adult. But I do understand what it’s like to examine yourself through a new lens and to realize that the way you interact with the world—things you may have once thought were simply personal quirks or unexplained difficulties—actually has a name. It can be both validating and overwhelming.

You say you’re comfortable with who you are, which is already more than many people can say. But if I had any advice, it would be this: be patient with yourself. It’s easy to look back on past experiences and wonder how differently things could have gone had you known then what you know now. But you were always you, diagnosis or not. That hasn’t changed—only your understanding has. The most important thing is using that understanding to advocate for yourself, to make your life easier where possible rather than forcing yourself into spaces or habits that were never designed for you in the first place.

Practically speaking, self-care depends on what you need. If sensory issues are something you struggle with, don’t ignore them—accommodate them in whatever ways you can. If you experience burnout, learn to recognize the signs before it happens and give yourself time to recover. If you mask heavily in social situations, make sure you also allow yourself environments where you don’t have to. The world doesn’t always adapt to us, so we have to be intentional about carving out spaces where we can exist comfortably as ourselves.

Most of all, remember that there is no ‘correct’ way to process something like this. No rush, no expectation—just time. I hope that time is kind to you.

My father once told me that understanding yourself is like learning a language—you’ll always be discovering new words, new meanings, new ways to express things you never quite knew how to before. I think he was right.

Everything is too loud today. My skin feels too tight. My head won’t stop running in circles.

I wish it was possible to turn everything off for a while.

tbh with all this chaotic back and forth I think you and Will should just say ‘fuck it’s and get together.

You’d at least make a pretty couple.

I am unsure whether this was meant as a joke or a serious proposition. If it was a joke, I have to admit—

it was actually quite funny.

I have memorized every possible answer. I have practiced in the mirror. I know the words. But my hands still shake when I think about it.

I don’t understand why. If I know what I need to say, why is my heart racing? Why does my throat close? Why does my body not listen to logic?.

Are you a jealous person?

Jealousy is irrational. It serves no practical function, and yet, I think if I care about someone enough, I might experience a version of it.

Not in an aggressive way, but… I wouldn’t like the idea of being replaceable. I‘ve been told I get ‘sulky‘.

No raccoons, but you have uninterrupted access to the stars. That’s something worth envying. Light pollution makes it nearly impossible to see anything clearly here—our atmosphere scatters artificial light, washing out all but the brightest celestial objects. Even planets struggle to compete. It’s especially difficult in a city like New York.

I would love to go to a place like that sometime.

Hello, Adam. I was wondering if you have a favorite flower or plant or a favorite animal?

-Duncan.

Good evening Duncan!.

I do have a favorite animal.

Raccoons. Definitely raccoons. They’re highly intelligent, their problem-solving skills are impressive, and they have these incredibly dexterous little hands. Did you know that they can remember solutions to tasks for years? And they wash their food before eating it, which is both practical and oddly endearing. I often go to watch a family of raccoons at a park near me. They bring me joy.

As for plants, I think carnivorous plants are fascinating. They literally evolved to defy the usual order of things—plants aren’t supposed to consume animals, and yet, here they are. The Venus flytrap, for example, counts the number of times its trigger hairs are touched before closing, like it’s verifying the presence of prey. That kind of adaptation is remarkable. If find that they have a philosophical aspect to them.

Hello, Adam. I was wondering if you have a favorite flower or plant or a favorite animal?

-Duncan.

Good evening Duncan!.

I do have a favorite animal.

Raccoons. Definitely raccoons. They’re highly intelligent, their problem-solving skills are impressive, and they have these incredibly dexterous little hands. Did you know that they can remember solutions to tasks for years? And they wash their food before eating it, which is both practical and oddly endearing. I often go to watch a family of raccoons at a park near me. They bring me joy.

As for plants, I think carnivorous plants are fascinating. They literally evolved to defy the usual order of things—plants aren’t supposed to consume animals, and yet, here they are. The Venus flytrap, for example, counts the number of times its trigger hairs are touched before closing, like it’s verifying the presence of prey. That kind of adaptation is remarkable. If find that they have a philosophical aspect to them.

I saw a guy today wearing sunglasses indoors. The sun wasn’t out.

Neither was common sense, apparently.

do beth know u behave like a harlot online ?

I don’t think that’s an accurate description of my character..

Normally I’m a spacekaiser shipper but I love your interactions with Nigel sm I kinda hope he’ll stop obsessing over Will. Especially because that’s a losing game once Hannibal is involved.

I am afraid I did not understand the context for half of what you wrote. But I am glad that you seem happy with the status quo of this blog.

I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that.

I feel like I walked into an entire play where everyone else had the script but me. And now the show’s over, the audience has left, and I’m just standing here, still trying to understand the plot.

Intuition is mostly irrational, but if I were to believe in that sort of thing, I would describe having a strange feeling about tonight.

Beth was over today. She took this picture while I was reading and said I should post it.

So I am.

Hello, Adam. I saw your blog through Nigels and wanted to say hi. You’re a gorgeous boy, Adam. :)

-Duncan.

Hello, Duncan.

I wasn’t expecting you to message me. Thank you.

I don’t know what to say when people call me that.

You saw my blog through Nigel’s? Are you two friends? Or are you one of his brothers, like Dr. Lecter is?.

Everyone keeps telling me to sell my house. I won’t. No matter what happens. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to lose something else again.

Beth and I will head to the Museum in 33 minutes.

I feel nervous.

The winter air is good for stargazing. Less humidity means clearer skies. If you stayed out longer, you might have seen more. Smokers often feel temperature differently because of circulation changes. I wonder if that affects how long you would’ve stayed otherwise.

@parallaxshift-raki stars were pretty last night :)