This Is Not A Cry For Help - Blog Posts

A Reflective Poem on Mamá Filled with What I Wish I Could Say

TW: Grafic Topics

Growing up is so weird because what do you mean my mother is a bio essentialist.

Granted I should’ve seen that coming with the Wicca stuff and the “divine feminine” and the needing to know all my friend’s bio genders and blatant misogyny to other women but like, I’m trans. She named me Sean because it’s my dead uncle’s middle name. She helped me learn how to dress masculinely. Why is it now I’m getting told to “ditch the facial hair” and that I “shouldn’t start testosterone now” and I “should tone down the eyeliner”.

Mamá you filled my head with stories of you being goth in the 90s and showed me the metal cds you got then. Why can’t I do that? Why do you have to look and me and see nothing but a mess of emotions? Will it still be that way when my voice drops? When my facial hair grows in? When my name is changed? How “inate” are these traits you’ve put on me? And why do you keep them there? You don’t even know who I am and you act like you know everything. You don’t.

Growing up is weird bc what do you mean my mom is a narcissist?

Everyone said my dad was one, and they were right, because I ended up being one too. The all-importance, the thinking you can do no wrong, that masculine snark that everyone takes as confidence, I thought it was his, and it is his, it’s mine. It’s the one connection I still have with my dad, my window of understanding of who he is and was, and why he made those decisions at my age. Why I’m never going to be like him

But Mamá what you have is worse. Your narcissism says you can never be wrong. That I in my 19 years of life can never know as much as you do. But if I told you of the clubs and the drugs and the queers I love and the friendships that I hold dearest to my heart you’d never trust me ever again. The shame you carry with you is harder than any shoe thrown in a frightening joke. Mamá I know you lie about my dead uncle. And I know it’s not on purpose, he was absolutely like me. He partied so hard and loved so feverishly that you didn’t know the full extent until he died. He had to die for you to know him. I know he hid from you the way I hide from you, out of self preservation because your way is the all knowing, the divine, and god forbid you learn the nuance of life

Growing up is weird because what do you mean my mom is bisexual

She told me about it when I was 12 and came out to her. She was the first person to explain trans people to me. Maybe that’s why she hates me being trans, I don’t do it in her definition. I was too young, I was too feminine, and even now the heels and the skirts and the wigs and the endless eyeshadow pallets are a testament to how I’m not the “right kind” of trans. Does she know it’s not because I’m secretly going to “switch back” to being a girl. Does she know that I do drag. Does she know about my three drag dads. Does she know about the trans women I cry to when she says I don’t have my life together. Does she know why.

Mamá I will never tell you why. I will never tell you about being groomed and trafficked and drugged with a fake prescription and doing all the house work for a woman I was terrified of. You met that woman. I said she was my roommate. But even if you knew the truth you wouldn’t have helped me. You would’ve shamed me. That’s all you ever do, that’s all you’re ever filled with, and no matter what happens to me it’s all you have to offer now. The shame for my clothes for my hair for my body if you ever saw it for the parts of me you can’t see and never ever will

Growing up is strange

Because what do you mean my mom is abusive too

She was never supposed to be that

Mamá do you know that I want to die?

Nighthaunt - Official Lyrics

by Levi Robinheart

[V1]: The trees make me whisper A spir’t of remorse The branches are careless and course The kings have all heralded A maim for my form The Cherrys’ll wait for the storm The people are pushin And cursin each other The love and indifference For dearest old mother The Sun puts me down With a wave of its breath I wish he would put me to death The vengeance of flowers The clock of the world The jigsawmill powers The tails getting curled It makes me feel passion But heavy with gears I wish I could say you’re my dear

[V2]: No rocks that will travel With wind made to mourn A voice becomes dead when they’re born A mutagen prosp’rous The hands-on relief A cure that they’ll curse in their sleep The sound of dear gunfire A panic is torn A feud between brainwire A side in his thorn The big fest is happenin But no one’s arrived The kid’s servin coffee inside A stairwell is breakin It creaks on the floor A hellwind is howlin Her thoughts get ignored The pangolin’s frownin A god’s smokin beer I wish that your harvest was near

[V3]: The forest got older The hills can’t explain There’s emptiness that falls with the rain The habits are circlin The train’s gone away There’s no one to see you today The mermaids are restless The fog’s swimmin north The spills come relentless A voice it comes forth And if your old waters Put off the same heat Condemn me for love in your seat You carried this travesty Guitars in your face I howl at your majesty A centaur’s in space And if you were cold By the warrior’s stand I wish you would play with my hands

[V4]: The Sun’s killing berries And shoes left to waste The setting’s lost all of its taste And if there is magma Awake in its hate Until it comes frozen, I’ll wait Cause now in this summit The tarot cards fold The businessmen plummet A moth turns to mold The bell’s on probation The dragon is stayed I’ll hate me for all that I’ve made I found your addiction It’s made with amends I’ll hold their afflictions If gravity bends I wish I could meet you And sell our mistakes I wish for this nighthaunt to break

I wish I could see you And kiss your green face but I’ll wait for the nighthaunt to break