Good Omens + Hozier

Watched Star trek tos episode 25 "This side of paradise" recently, and I am still thinking about how after Kirk manages to snap Spock out of the spore's influence, Spock says: "The spores are gone... I don't belong anymore."

And I don't see anybody talk about this part because it gets overshadowed by the part at the end where Spock says the has a responsibility to the man on the bridge (Kirk). And I also loved that part, but as an autistic women that really relates to Spock, this one line hit me so hard. Spock never feels like he belongs, not with the humans, not with the vulcans, and because of the spores he finally fit in with everybody. He is not his real self here, and it's good that the influence of the spores is eventually broken, but I understand so well how sad he is at losing that feeling of belonging.

zephram cochrane in metamorphosis is a weak ass bitch. if i found out a telepathic gaseus alien being was in love with me i would simply love and cherish it in return send post

my favourite thing about the perfect court is how they are all parallels of each other - each person could have ended up like one of the others, but they didn’t.

neil could’ve ended up like jean, if his mother hadn’t taken him and run. neil could’ve ended up like riko, if he’d internalised his father’s abuse and tried to earn his affection instead of fearing it. if he’d tried to become someone his father would be proud of - like riko does - he would’ve become heartlessly violent. but he doesn’t.

jean could’ve been like neil, if he’d had just one family member care about him enough to run. he could’ve ended up like kevin, if he’d gone with him when kevin ran. he could’ve been like riko, if he’d taken everything that had been done to him and inflicted it on the world/people around him, but he doesn’t.

kevin could’ve ended up like riko, if he’d twisted tetsuji’s abuse enough to believe that the things he deserved were taken from him. he could’ve ended up like jean, if he’d refused to run after his hand was broken.

riko could’ve ended up like any of them. if an adult had cared about him enough to save him, he could’ve ended up like neil. if he’d hated his father instead of fighting for his attention, or if he internalised the abuse he faced instead of inflicting the same abuse on others, he’d have been more like jean or neil. if he’d accepted his place and decided to fight for the things he did have - exy, kevin - he’d have been more like kevin. but he doesn’t.

yes, their situations are largely shaped by the people around them - riko, jean, and kevin (until he learns about wymack) do not have an adult in their lives that cares about them enough to change their situation. but it’s also their individual responses to their abuse that shapes how they act. i’m not trying to say that people get to choose their trauma response, but it’s important that riko and neil parallel each other because we’re shown the could have beens. it shows you that it really only takes one person to change everything - mary taking neil and running is so so so important for how neil’s character and personality and trauma response turns out.

neil could’ve ended up like riko, but he doesn’t. riko could’ve ended up like neil, but he doesn’t.

Kirk: You mean to tell me your people just walk into a disintegration machine when they're told to?

Don't make comparisons to Tarsus IV, don't make comparisons to Tarsus IV, don't make comparisons to Tarsus IV

Is this why Kirk is so instantly, adamantly, ready to disrupt this entire culture?

He's the survivor of a genocide, and I can't imagine that the thousands of people murdered by Kodos walked quietly, willingly, obediently to their deaths. Like those who walk into the disintegration machines, their deaths were painless, but they are all still dead.

And now Kirk is watching the same thing happen, only on a much larger scale. And it lacks the terror, the fighting, the starvation, the horrors that stain his early childhood, and because of that it continues.

No wonder he's almost gleeful when he threatens to give them the horrors of war - because he knows from personal experience that even the threat of that, even the memory of that, even the echo of what was or what might be - it's enough to make it stop.

How fucking distraught must Pike have been, to see Spock going against everything, risking his life, seeing how thoroughly Spock had this thought out…

The depth of that love Spock has for him.

the devil in the dark is a great episode for sooooo many reasons but something i particularly love is its characterization of kirk & spock, especially how the story juxtaposes their initial attitudes vs. their actions as well as juxtaposing them against one another. for most of the episode, kirk is very firmly situated in the command role: he’s laser-focused on his goal of eliminating whatever has been killing the miners. he has a plan & he sticks to it. he can’t afford to entertain ideas about capturing the creature for scientific study rather than killing it, because that introduces more risk to his crew. his mission is to protect as many lives as possible, full stop.

however, when he sees the horta in that cave, his first instinct isn’t to shoot. he’s wary of course, brandishing a phaser for his own safety, but he’s also curious & gentle. he studies her with wonder shining in his eyes. his movements mirror her own—he immediately picks up on the fact that she isn’t necessarily hostile towards him, & in response, he slowly, carefully, sets aside his own hostility as well. he speaks to her, makes little jokes. he watches her in perpetual amazement & intrigue, very cautiously extending a metaphorical hand to say, i don’t want to hurt you. it’s a big leap from “your orders are shoot to kill,” & that reveals a lot about kirk. he’s a good commander, he knows how to handle a dangerous situation while minimizing risk to his crew, but he’s also curious. kind. optimistic. gentle. in the heat of the moment, when he’s the only one at risk, his basic instinct doesn’t say fight, it says listen.

meanwhile, spock is immensely intrigued by the horta; he regrets that it will most likely be necessary to kill her in order to protect themselves. he spends most of the episode speculating on the fascinating science of a silicone-based life form. he even (very subtly) challenges kirk’s order by telling the security team to capture the creature if possible. he isn’t eager to use force, because he simply isn’t that kind of person—he’s curious by nature, like kirk. so it seems a great shift when, upon hearing that the horta is near kirk, he shouts through the communicator, “kill it, captain! kill it!”

realizing that kirk is in danger is like flipping a switch. the way he carries himself changes in an instant. urgency flares to life in his eyes & voice. as wild with it as a vulcan can get. freezing in place, then breaking into a run, calling out, forgetting rank. to him, the most preferable—the most logical—course of action is not to explore why the horta has not attacked the captain yet; rather, it is to eliminate the threat to kirk as soon as possible.

in a way, they represent both a reversal & a mirror of each other in this episode. kirk is a decisive & capable fighter, but his instincts steer him towards gentler things. spock prioritizes scientific inquiry & discovery, but it all appears inconsequential when his friend’s life is on the line. they balance each other, complement each other. it’s why they’re such a good command team. it’s why they fall so easily into such a deep bond. both of them, ultimately, act from a place of love.

My heart hurts so bad for Aziraphale because I can honestly just relate to him so, so, so much.

(not putting this one under a cut so warning season 2 ahead, I'll tag it at the bottom too)

Aziraphale says, "Nothing lasts forever," but I don't believe for a second he doesn't wish that it did.

He WANTS things to go back to how they used to be. He WANTS the seraphic Crowley squealing with joy as he cranks up the universal machine and sets the stars aflame. He WANTS there to be no sides, he WANTS to believe in the idea of the host united, he WANTS to go back before Crowley got himself in trouble by asking questions. He wants, I think, to be in that moment of creation and adoration forever.

Change seems to frighten him. There's an aspect of uncertainty. There's an element of chaos, the loss of control. I understand this deeply. And what the Metatron offered him was just that: certainty, control, the ability to dictate his own narrative.

I used to be in a toxic job. On top of it, I had intense anxiety and other undiagnosed neurodivergencies that made it even harder to fit in and understand the untold rules I was supposed to follow to get along. When I first got there, it wasn't so bad -- perhaps I was, like Aziraphale, also a bit idealistic. Then there were some changes that brought instability, significant more anxiety, and a lot of nights spent agonizing over my lack of control over it all.

My friends and significant other tried to convince me to leave, but I didn't want to. I didn't know what else was out there. I didn't know if it would be worse. I didn't know what kind of stability it would have.

Then my manager left, so that spot opened up. I had worked there for a long time, and honestly, I never saw myself going into management. I didn't think I could. I wasn't sure I even wanted to. All of that extra stress, on me? Not to mention, getting FURTHER into the job that was taking a massive toll on me? But then...

Then I would have control. Then I could run things the way *I* had always thought they should run. I wouldn't need to worry about who would replace my manager and whether my life would be a living hell -- I would make it what I wanted it to be. Upper management was really pushing for it, so I applied.

To make a long story short: I don't think it went very well. I didn't have the support I needed. I didn't have the emotional skills I needed. I think I did my best, but I'm not fond of those times. At the time, I was SURE that I wanted to move up even more, I was SURE this would make it all better. I thought this was what I REALLY wanted.

But that's not what I needed. What I needed was to get out, and eventually I did. Even as ready as I was to leave, it was absolutely agonizing. I could barely stand to handle the unknown. I was going to work together with my spouse, actually, and I was so excited for that, but I still... I still was upset and worried sick over the dramatic change that would befall my life, after I had made the decision to leave.

That's where I can relate to Aziraphale. I wonder what would've happened if, before I had actually left for good, the head honchos had come up to me and said, "We want to keep you -- how about we offer you (an even higher position)?" -- would I have said no, or would I have wanted to make a difference?

Funny, I said exactly that, too. That's almost why I didn't change jobs in the first place. I said, "But I feel like I'm really making a difference with what I'm doing now." But what pushed me over the edge was realizing that none of that mattered to them, it was all about THEIR control of ME, not the other way around.

I'm so intensely curious to see what happens with Aziraphale next, but I'm sure he will learn what Crowley understands: nothing lasts forever, and sometimes it's good that it doesn't -- even if sometimes we wish it did.

Same vibes

This scene is always in my mind

They make me sick get them out of my head NOW!

I need to start doing things I want to do instead of spending all my time thinking about what I should be doing, or everything will lose its meaning again.