Please Don't Follow Me.

lost my pfp a while ago (like a couple months i think?). not sure why or when exactly it happened. still weird. i haven't opted to replace it because i don't really have anything good to replace it with atm.

minecraft bedrock edition feels like a skinwalker version of minecraft. you know what i mean? like it looks like minecraft, but it just feels wrong. and not even in a fun surreal way. like a corporate skinwalker.

i fucking hate sonic.exe and any sort of creepypasta that takes some form of kid's media and royally fucks it up in a similar way.

i saw sonic.exe and the tails doll shit when i was little and that shit scared me so bad i didn't play a sonic game for a couple of years. even just looking at the normal versions of the characters spurred those memories of the stupid fucking creepypastas in my head.

words cannot describe the sheer extent, to which i wish to absolutely tear myself apart and reduce myself to nothing.

i am horrified to be myself

i am scared of what others would think of me

i am holding so much of myself back, and i've been doing so for so long

trying to break that fear, i feel like there came a point where i was no longer keeping things hidden, but actively forgetting them

how do i regain what i've lost?

i envy other people's childhoods

that's not to say there were some good bits to my own, but those good bits could have still existed anyway.

and i know a 'normal' childhood still wouldn't have been possible, given my autism and all.

but at least there would have been an attempt where i didn't live sheltered in constant fear of everything and maybe people cared for my disability (and even knew of it) instead of yelling at me.

i'm still scared.

i have made the realization that i occasionally forget to breathe

not in a "take deep breaths to calm down" kind of way. more in a general sense.

i am 100% aware of the fact that i hate myself.

if you think self-awareness is going to encourage me to actually do something about it you are very very

wrong.

i know things i could do to make myself happier, but i won't. even attempts at removing things from my life i actively dislike, i still feel a desire to go back to them.

i've found that pain is a lot easier of a feeling to maintain. happiness always feels fleeting. i just want to feel something. there's nothing here for me besides the same collection of walls i've known for my whole life.

hopefully i can sleep tonight.

last night i kept waking up like, every 15-30 minutes. to be quite honest, i'm not sure if i ever did go to sleep in the first place. not seeing anything for a period of time could just mean my eyes were closed.

i do think however i did dream a couple of times...i think? maybe?

i just want to sleep and feel well rested for once. nothing seems to help.

what is the most 'nothing' you can be? human is too much, animal is still something, a robot would be neat, but those are manmade and would be bound to have issues of their own.

i guess there's ghosts, but who knows how that works. it'd be nice if you could just endlessly wander like a spectator mode for life. just observe everything.

although, you might get bored of that eventually.